Prayer (8April 08)

Hi, God. 1

Well...so, I guess I've been an idiot recently. But there are two kinds of idiots: those that see that they should talk with you but don't, and those that don't see any reason to talk to you in the first place. I'm not sure which is more foolish. You must think I'm a really big fool, God. ...Why is it so hard for me to fall from my pedestal and admit it as well? 2

I'll admit I've got a pride thing. I want to find a good excuse for it, but really, there isn't any good one. I can say I'm an only child, that selfishness has subliminally fostered. I can Say I went to private school, which (attempted to) fill my mind with a knowledge forgotten in this present age. I can say that I've been praised by friends and family for all the insignificant little accomplishments of my life, like painting a picture, or writing a book, or getting As and Bs on my report card. But really, when I stand before you, those all sound really lame. Really, it sounds like I"m the very person (if not worse) I complain against. 3

I complain against every person who gets honored and recognized for some "amazing ability", some nonexistent ability the government invents to make these lands sound so wonderful. Every person who gets As when they never learned a thing. Every person who is listened to by hundreds when their words are empty, meaningless, useless. 4

God, I know I'm not great. I like to think i am, but I guess I'm not. But I have something to say. Something with meaning, thought, at times--I want to dare say a tint of wisdom. Its better than whatever the heck they have to say, at least. 5

God, I know its ruled by pride. I want attention. I want honor, praise, glory. 6

...I want to be god?7

I'm sorry God, I really am--but when I evaluate myself, throw my heart naked to the ground, that's what I find. I want to be an Earthly god. I want attention, fame, praise, laughs, awe, everything. I want...I want...8

Maybe I should stop . Really, when I let it out, it sounds so dumb. I want to write. I want to paint. I want to sing. And I want everyone to hear. But doesn't everyone want that? For some reason, I feel like I deserve it, like I've crawled around the ground of inconspicuousness, that I've waited it out. Like I've learned something. That in my own way, I'm a prodigy. 9

I've always wanted to be a prodigy, God. You've known it. So why you created me in this level of normalcy, I don't understand. I wish it was different....10

But you know what you're doing. 11

I've also learned that life isn't fair. The fool is honored, the wise thrown to the dirt. But that's only in life. You lift up the righteous, you condemn the fool, your name gets glory! 12

And that is the day I await. 13

Please let me never forget three things. 1) I see myself too highly. 2) I am nothing without you 3) You are all that matters. 14

God....15

Thank you. 16

Pegleg