I looked around and could not find the source of the light, it seemed to emanate from the walls and to come from down below, bathing the room in an unearthly glow. I cautiously tested the stairs to see if they could hold my weight and began my descent. I began my descent cautiously at first, fearing that the stairs might give way to my weight, but I was not so. The only noise that broke the silence was the sound of my sneakers treading upon the dust covered stairs, which it appeared, had not been touched in many years. I walked for what seemed like hours, but, I noticed that as I walked, the light began to grow stronger as I preceded deep in the bowels of… what? I stopped, wondering now if it had been a good idea to come down here in the first place. I had no idea of what awaited me once I reached the bottom.1
I hesitated now, wondering what to do. I looked back at the way I had come, to safety and the familiarity of my home, then downward towards discovery and possibilities.2
I stood there trying to decide what to do. I amused myself for a few seconds picturing myself with an angel on my right shoulder and the devil on the left, the angel telling me to do the right thing and go back up, and the devil telling me to give into my curiosities and follow the stairs. I gave in to the devil.3
I continued on down the stairs for what must have been another hour when, at last I reached the bottom. Whatever I had expected to be at the bottom, it wasn’t what I found.4
I gasped as I took in the site, for it was like nothing I had ever seen before in my life. It was large room, with a low black ceiling and a black and white checkerboard colored floor made from materials I didn’t recognize. The room was cluttered with many chests, drawers, cabinets, tables and many strange objects littered the room. Some were small and shiny, some were big and rusty, others had many strange knobs and devices attached. I couldn’t discern the nature of any of these objects
Then as I looked around I noticed a small doorway at the far side of the room. I navigated my way around the room towards the doorway all the time studying the strange devises that litter the room. A couple things I recognized as I navigated through the maze of strange machines, like, a large clock, only this clock had numerous hands and seemed to be counting time backwards.5
I noticed a large basin towards the center of the room. I stooped down to look into the basin, and I saw my reflection staring back at me, then I started suddenly and pulled my head away from the basin as fasted as I could, for as I had stared at my reflection it had suddenly distorted into a hideous, grinning, demonic face leering at me. I looked over my shoulder as though expecting to find someone there, but I saw no one. 6
I grew frightened and panicky, and I ran as fast as I could the way I had come, only once I got there I realized I had ran the wrong way and I was now standing opposite the way I had come in.7
Oh God what did I get myself into I thought. I began to tremble and tears seeped through my closed eyelids. No! I told myself. No, I need to be a man, and face my fears. I stemmed the flow of tears and took a deep breath. I entered through the doorway, from which I now realized the light came from behind the doorway was not another room but a stone passageway that led on as far as I could see. As I followed the passageway I pondered the reflection I had seen in the basin. Was it magic? What had that old man been after? Not an old man I corrected myself for now after what I had seen in the basin it seemed easier to except the possibility that he was a wizard. 8
I continued to think about it as I followed the path, and, as I walked along many more passageways branched off from it. I followed this passageway for a while until it split into three separate paths. Seeing that the light seemed to come from the middle path I chose to follow it.9
I had only walked for a little while when the passage took a sharp turn. I rounded the corner and was nearly blinded by a bright light and I stumble back as though I had been hit with a sack of bricks.10
It took a few seconds to get used to the light and when I finally had I gasped. The passageway ended suddenly with a small dais, from which the light seemed to come. On either side of the dais sat two evil looking gargoyles with evil grins to match. Upon the dais sat a ruby, the color of blood red. I walked forward and hesitantly picked it up, recalling from the Indiana Jones and the Lost Ark, when he had tried to steal a treasure and the place had collapsed around him. None of this happened of course; after all it’s just a story. I held the ruby to my face and examined it. It hadn’t been shaped in any way by man, but it was the most beautiful stone I had ever set eyes on. “What’s this all about?” I said aloud, but before I had time to ponder the mysteries of the stone I heard a rumbling sound from deep below me .My eyes widened and for a split second wondered what that sound was, then without thinking about it I slipped the ruby into my pocked and sprinted back down the hall.
I was running down the passageway, when, a dark shape launched itself from an intersecting passageway. I ducked just in time to avoid the dark shape. I spun around searching for my attacker, and there, crouched low for another attack, was the most horrible sight I had ever set eyes on. It was a massive creature shaped like a human but, standing much taller than I, even in its crouched position, its sickly grey skin was bulging with muscles, and most frightening of all was its eyes, dark red eyes, they were the eyes of a creature driven mad.
The creature let out a scream of rage and dove at me. I dove out of the way and sprinted in the direction of my home, not looking back to see if it was still behind me. As I ran I could hear the creature creature’s footsteps growing ever closer. As I was nearing the antechamber the creature was so close I could smell its foul breath.
Then I burst into the room at full speed, weaving in and out of obstacles and I made my way through the center of the room. Suddenly I heard a cry and I felt the rush of air as it leapt over me blocking by path. I stepped backward and bumped into the basin into which I had looked upon entering. The creature stared at me with its maddened eyes, making one final roar of triumph and launched itself ate me.
At the last moment I dropped to the floor and it soared over me and collided with the basin, knocking it over. Water pooled about the creature before it could get up and it cried out in agony. The water hissed as it made contact with the skin and vapor rose about it and began to glow incandescently. As it swirled about the creature I could see horrible, convoluted creatures, with evil grinning faces. Then they were gone vanishing into the air.
There was no sign of the creature that had been pursuing me. I stood there staring at the spot where the creature had been before turning and running up the stairs, and into my house, closed the secret door and slumped against the wall overtaken by weariness.
A contest entry
- Fantasy captivates by ForestFaery.
130 points, ended April 21, 2008, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Desperate for a bit of -- fantasy? by Asfand.
350 points, ended July 5, 2008, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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This is just getting better and better. Moving on to the next chapter now. ^_^
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kool you shuld add on the last few lines from before so that we can rember what it said!!!!!!!!!!
beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Since I'm so tired of already editing I will edit this later. Lol, right now I just want to read and enjoy and comment lol.
Okay just finished reading and WHOA!!!!!!!!! That caught my attention so good. Wow! lol. I did see a few errors which i will say later on. But so far nothing major just some repitition. Otherwise I'm loving the story. I was scared for the kids life and it's very hard to connect with the character in such a short amount of time. Good Job with this story. On to part THREE!!!!!!!!
By the way, Rubies rock lol that's my birthstone. And I must confess I only chose to read it because it said Ruby and I was like YAY my birthstone and now I know I should have read it regardless the title. This is really good.
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great
again love horror so wonderful story! good luck! if you are one of the finalists i'll choose which part i liked the most! thaks and good luck -
when is say im began my dscent cautiously at firs, fearing that the stairs my give way to my wight, but it was not so; im saying that he was afraid that he was scared the stairs might break but that it didnt happen and if anyone else is confused about that let me know
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Again it was very decriptive
But has a few flaws...
"I began my descent cautiously at first, fearing that the stairs might give way to my weight, but I was not so." First off, I think you meant descend and not descent... also I can't really understand what this sentence means.. What does "fearing that the stairs might give way to my weight, but I was not so" mean exactly? You need to work on your spelling, because there are numerous spelling mistakes. Also in parts I feel you were being way too repetitive and should have used more pronouns to fix that. These are the cons...
As it goes for the pros (hey look I rhymed!) the story grabs the reader's attention and makes them read on until it ends... It is well written and very descriptive! You can see the happenings clearly in your mind! It is easy to put yourself in the main character's position, ^^. Good job with this! -
This is a pretty good story so far. It's caught my interest. ^^ Keep writing!
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It was a bit choppy in the beginning due to a few grammatical errors, and seeing as I am not perfect myself, I won't hold that against you. Overall, I thought the plot was interesting, and the descriptions of the creature and the ruby were good. I liked that you tried this. It's pretty good. I like it. Hopefully you will continue it.
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Paragraph 16 ' stepped backward and bumped into the basin into which I had looked upon entering.' should be... 'I took a step backwards and bumped into the basin of which I had looked into previously'
Paragraph 17 'There was no sign of the creature that had been pursuing me. I stood there staring at the spot where it had been before turning and running up the stairs, and into my house, closed the secret door and slumped against the wall overtaken by weariness' that's how it should be x
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Change 'I' to 'it' in first sentence also 'preceded' should be 'proceeded' it seems to suggest someone is following behind you. There are quite a lot of grammatical errors in this too a few too many to list (I feel horrible) paragraph 15 stands out 'the creature creature's' Make sure you proof read before you post or get someone to help. Other than that good plot
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for those of you who are wondering the same as doozerdan i said it felt like hours, but it wasnt
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Awesome! You've got a not only beautiful but fairly comeplete story are you looking to submit! it just might be ready. I love the way the story forms as a cunondrum in his head absorbing the doldrum of the passing time and making it balance yet not wit
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 5, characters: 2.
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Okies Spadokies.
Pretty good, taken the right way, you could have a very good story here
But, being fantasy, you have to tread very carefully to keep away from the over clichéd... *forgets word he was going to use* stuff... Haha. Anyway, I like how you dealt with removing the Ruby, the mention of Indiana Jones, and then the ominous rumble, I was expecting that to happen, and the place to fall down, but, you turn it round on me, and bam, monster instead! So good work there!
Now, a few little things that jumped out at me.
First up, with your mention of it feeling like hours to descend the stairs, that's fine, still could have been a few minutes, but your later comment about the fact that he continued down for what must have been another hour. So it took him say, at least an hour to get down the toe bottom? Am I on the right track? Anyway, if this is the case, then in my mind, it raises a few qustions.
1: How old is he?(Funny question, but you'll see why I wonder) I get the impression that he's probably mid teens? If that is the case, then he would still live with his parents. Which brings me to question two...
2: In the case of the first question being what I think it is, where are his parents? Are they out? How long are they out for? Gone for the weekend? This would be something to mention in the first chapter, I reckon. Indeed, you may have already, but I forget.
3: Ok, that brings me to why I asked those questions. Ok, as near as I can work out, he was prolly down there for, 6+ hours? (I may be way of there, but that's the impression I get from the story. Now that sort of time could pose some problems, A: his parents might get back, see the open door, then what? B: He'd be completely exhausted by the time he got back, not just weary. I mean, he'd have to have been running for something like an hour to get back? That's a loooong time to run (for me at least, but I'm unfit as)
So yeah, for the sake of finky people like me, might I suggest saying how long his parents are away for?
Second, in paragraph 5, you have the description of the room, then "I gasped I as I took in the sight, it was like nothing I had ever seen." To me, having him gasp -after- you describe the room, feels a little funny to me. Might I suggest this:
"Gasping, I surveyed the room; it was like nothing I had ever seen before: Large, with a low black ceiling and a black and white checkerboard colored floor, made from materials that I didn’t recognize. It was cluttered with many chests, drawers, cabinets, and tables. Many strange objects were strewn about; some were small and shiny, some were big and rusty, others had many knobs and devices attached. I couldn’t discern the nature of any of these objects."
I think that was about it... Once again, everything said is my opinion, and you are free to take it or leave it... or pick bits and pieces out of it.
Hope that there is something of use in there!
Be sure to let me know when the next chapter is out.
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So interesting, with such great detail. Though it seemed to me as though the mood and theme of the story shifted and changed from the first chaptet, but that could just be me... I liked how it had a slow pace at the beginning, but then increased pace as the suspense and story built. Also, the action and the thrill of this was really good. Great story, and I hope you write more to this. Be careful about typos and grammar though- there were a few issues with that in there, but apart from that this was really good.
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That was good! I have read all of the comments, and it doesn't sound like they don't like your story. I liked it, and you definately are a very talented writer!
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Ohhhhhhh....
I like the adjectives....... incandescently ... It takes alot to come up with words like that!!!!
Good job! Keep writing!!
Christa -
wow. you have such a vivid imaginationi! can't wait to read the next part!
one correction tho, paragraph 10, "except" to either "accept" or "expect". (preferably "accept")
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Be Careful...Try to HEAR what I'm saying to you here!
Not too bad, Rubix! I notice though (and this is just something you must become aware of...not a big thing...you tend to repeat words within one or two lines within certain paragraphs...such as: (in paragraph 1 "Stairs"...par 2 - "I"...par 3 - "myself"..."right"...par 4 - "bottom"...par 5 - "room" "many" "strange" par 6- "room" (AGAIN)(this time three times!) par 7 - "basin" (3 times!)
"reflection" "stared"...par 8 - "I had come" "way" (three times!)P9 -"tears" P10 -"passageway!" "basin"
P11 - "passageway" (again!)..."path" (3 times!)
Get the idea? this becomes very tedious and amateur SOUNDING...But...remember, it's a LEARNING thing! Just become aware of this. Don't REPEAT words!...particularly so CLOSELY SPACED!
READ WHAT YOU WRITE...ALOUD TO YOURSELF! LISTEN TO IT! Pick out these repeated duplicates! Get rid of them. Weed them out. Find new words...other words. It'll do wonders for what you write. Otherwise what you write is doomed to sound silly and droning. Otherwise...a decent effort. But, learn from your little flaws here. Progit by this. Don't be discouraged. IT IS ALL A LEARNING PROCESS!
Good luck,
GA -
i want to know what happenes next
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I like the stone passageway that goes on forever... The basement seems very creepy... ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... (creepy voice chimes in right about now)
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its actually not a basement but call it what you want
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AWESOME FANTASY STORY!
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