Alice the Untalented

Once upon a time in a land where fairytales were reality and adventure was ever-present, there was a simple girl named Alice. She was an ordinary teenage girl with bright green eyes and light brown hair. Not a beauty and yet not ugly. 1

Alice would seem to be the epitome of an average teenage girl by convention, but indeed she was not, for in this land of fairytales and adventures, Alice was most extraordinarily ungifted. She lived in the Kingdom of Canaria, a kingdom very famous for its talented magicians of all sorts: court magicians, elemental magicians, theoretical research magicians, and, most famously of all, its enchanters. (They often specialized in enchanting specific objects, such as hair brushes or dishes.) However, despite her land’s grand lineage, she was, as one might say, a flop. A genetic fluke, perhaps, but nonetheless she seemed to possess no magical ability 2

whatsoever. 3

Alice was quite a disappointment to her relatives. Her uncle was especially vexed because he was the village’s most talented plate enchanter. He had high aspirations that he would raise his family to the upper class by becoming famous, but he could never do that without help. Alice, being the only relative young enough to assist him in his (what many deemed) fantastical quest, was unceremoniously dumped at his door as a young child after her parents died in a magical accident. However, in contrast with Alice’s other relatives (who wanted nothing to do with her and her embarrassing lack of talent), her uncle believed that she was merely hiding her ability as opposed to having none at all. After countless exasperating years of failures, he sent her forth into the nearby Vermillion Forest to enchant a simple clay plate. Until it was enchanted, she would not be allowed to return home. This, he was sure, would clear her silly head of its teenage drama and force her to accept her talents.4

Alice just wished he’d given up on her. That way, she wouldn’t have to prove that she was something she was not. She was not gifted and never would be, as far as she was concerned. She had long since accepted this. Why would she pretend she had no magical talent? It was not as if she was desperate to be different, as she became anxious when people stared at her too long. If she could have her way, she would be perfectly ordinary and completely unnoticed by others.5

She sighed, looking at the dark forest looming in front of her. It was like a green sea, and full of living creatures she had probably never seen before. Alice was a little scared; the forest seemed a little scary from here. She had never been outside her village before today, and certainly not all alone. It was improper for a lady of her age to be unattended so. Had she been a peasant girl, perhaps this might have been the norm. However, she was of the respectable middle class, not that most acknowledged it now that her parents were both deceased and she lived with her strange, ambitious uncle.6

She held out the boring clay plate in front of her pessimistically and said, “Well, we might as well give this a go.”7

As Alice walked into the forest, she noticed a drastic change in her mood. For the first time in a while, she felt peaceful, even a little relaxed. She hadn’t noticed before in her busy life just how tense she had been until that burden had been lifted from her shoulders. At home it had been disappointment upon disappointment… and now she was, in a way, free. There was nobody here that would look at her with a pitying glance or lecture her on her silly teenage ways. Here, Alice was all alone, surrounded by plants that were practically singing with life around her. She smiled at the flowers: violets, daisies, lilies… even the dandelions were making her smile. Cedar trees, willow trees, crab apple, and maple – everything was so alive! Small herbs such as mint, thyme, and basil littered the forest floor with their green vibrancy, adding their unique additions to the rich earthy tones of the forest. They all danced in the wind harmoniously, as if to a merry jig, each adding their own variations in the dance. It seemed like nothing could ruin her mood, so excited and exuberant was she. 8

Unfortunately, the weight of the irritating plate brought her back to reality. “Oh yes, quite right. I have a plate to enchant! Could there possibly be someone in the forest with enchanting abilities? But never mind that for the moment. Perhaps I should try by myself one last time, if simply to be able to say that I tried my best.” Alice was certain she had no enchanting abilities, but she would have felt guilty if she had not even tried.9

Setting it down on the ground, she towered over the uninteresting dish, as if staring it into enchantment. “Be… enchanted!” she said, pointing her hands towards it in what she assumed to be a magical manner. Alice was only slightly disappointed when absolutely nothing changed. She hadn’t exactly been expecting it to work, but it definitely would have been convenient.10

Truth be told, Alice was quite disappointed herself that she displayed no sign of talent, resigned to it though she may be. She had been left out of all sorts of games when she was a child, as well as being subjected to much horrible name-calling (some of the gentler ones being “freak” and “unsightly, talent-less monster”). She had no way of avenging herself of these insults, which only made things worse.11

“Oh, stop thinking on the past – it will only make you feel worse. Calm, calm – all will be well,” she murmured to herself. Alice closed her eyes, taking a deep breath to clear her mind of its emotional baggage. She needed to concentrate here; the Vermillion Forest was said to be dangerous for the unwary.12

“What can I do next? I will never be able to return home if I do not find a way for this plate to be enchanted! But what a conundrum this is, for if I find another to enchant it, then my uncle will assume ‘twas I and will expect further results and proofs!” she exclaimed unhappily. “Perhaps I should resign myself to living in this forest. It really isn’t so bad here, I guess, but I’d really rather live at home. But how would I eat? I do not know what is poisonous and what is not. How will I live?” she continued.13

“Oh quit your crying.”14

Alice flinched upon hearing the voice. “Hello?” she asked tentatively. Her slim figure tensed as her eyes quested out the source of the sound. “Who is it?” 15

“It’s me, you idiot,” replied something below her. Alice looked down, confused. “Who is speaking to me?” she asked again. “Me! The plate! The one you’re grasping as if to strangle!”16

Alice gasped, dropping the plate on the forest floor, miraculously not breaking it. “You are already enchanted! How is this possible?” she gasped. Her hands flew to her cheeks, framing them in shock. “I could not have enchanted you earlier. Why is it that you only appear enchanted now?”17

“It is true; I was already enchanted,” it replied as it picked itself up from the ground. “You merely woke me up with your incessant moaning and complaining. I had been dreaming, you know. What do you want, anyway?”18

Alice’s mind was frozen in a shocked silence. How had it already been enchanted? Her uncle surely would not have given her a plate that was already enchanted, would he? No, he couldn’t have. Previously enchanted plates cannot be re-enchanted – at least, that’s what her uncle always said. He would never have set her up to fail, right?19

“Hello? Are you still there?” the plate interrupted, knocking against her shins. “I am talking to you. Polite girls pay attention.” 20

Alice nodded shakily, stammering, “Um… um, I’m sorry… oh, so sorry! Um… I was supposed to enchant you.”21

The plate laughed; an unpleasant crackly sound. “You aren’t serious, are you? Well what a shame for you. Too bad I’m already enchanted! Ahahaha!” He chortled away, obviously amused at her discomfort. 22

“You are horrible!” she retorted, “How can you chuckle away without a care in the world? If I do not enchant you, then I am to remain forever outcast from the only place I have ever called home! In what world could that ever be funny?” She stomped her foot childishly in irritation. 23

“Aha! But why should I care about your life, you selfish little girl? I am but an enchanted plate, with no need to pay attention to the world of mortals. However, I guess I’ll take pity on you. I will tell you a way to get out of your uncomfortable talent-oriented arrangement if you will do me a favour…”24

“Oh, but how? I cannot lie about your enchantment! My uncle might ask me to do so again, only with his observation!” Alice exclaimed quasi-theatrically.25

The plate sighed, rolling its eyes. “Just trust me. Do we have a deal or no?” Alice nodded, hesitant to consent to such a vague agreement but eager to find a way out of this unpalatable mess. The plate grinned evilly in satisfaction. 26

“Alright then. The fact is that although you did not enchant me, you did happen to modify my enchantment. As a result, you’ve allowed me to speak,” the plate grinned. “Your uncle isn’t all that talented an enchanter, you know. All he did was produce an enchantment that made me glow blue when someone wished him ill, which is really boring, truth be told. Your town is so peaceful that I have never even glowed once. He probably forgot I was even enchanted. Now, what I’d like you to do is take me away from that god-awful place. I want to adventure the world, and what better company than with someone who can enchant me whenever the need arises!”27

Alice was excited at this awe-inspiring news, but her loyalties were torn. “Oh, but I can’t very well abandon my uncle! He has given me the only home I have ever known. If I left, it would be a betrayal of so many years of trust and… oh, nobody else would take me because they thought I was void of magic! I cannot betray my uncle’s faith in me, oh no, I cannot,” Alice sobbed.28

“Ah! But you promised. You promised me. Besides, do you really think your uncle will even notice? I heard everything in that house… He was always complaining, his favourite phrases being - ‘You’re not concentrating enough. Try harder!’ and ‘Oh Alice, stop being such an unruly teenager!’” the plate mocked, using a highly exaggerated whiny tone to imitate her uncle’s distress. 29

Alice grimaced at the memory. He certainly had been complaining about her “hidden” abilities ever since she could remember. The teenage-drama argument was only a recent addition to his arsenal. But could she betray him like this? Would he even notice that she had left? 30

Alice looked around her, thoughtful. Being outside made her smile, she reflected. All these flowers and greenery… it was so free out here. Growing willy-nilly and paying no heed to the demands of others. Not every flower was so lucky to have its own patch of sunshine. There were some dying flowers underneath the trees. Those poor lilacs, once so vibrant and so energetic, now wilted from lack of sunlight. Was she fated to become like that? Perhaps there was a world outside of her small community that would accept her for who she was…31

“Well,” Alice finally replied, “you do make a valid point. Uncle will probably not even notice my absence. Besides, I don’t really have much choice in the matter, having agreed to aforementioned promise. So adventure it is! Oh, now that I think of it, it sounds positively thrilling! Certainly something I’m bound to enjoy. Let’s go! Perhaps I can even find you a mate!”32