“Touchdown”! I yelled jumping up and down. My team, the Patriots had just scored, now all they had to do was score the extra point and it would tie up the game, with two minutes remaining. I continued to dance as the teams lined up and the kicker prepared to kick the field goal, stretching the muscles in his legs. He looked really nervous, the game was on the line and the outcome depended on him. The crowd was noisier than ever as he backed up preparing to kick, then as the kicker ran forward and the crowd was noisier than ever, the doorbell rang.1
I diverted my attention from the T.V., “who could that be?” I said aloud. I started to get up but then the crowd on T.V. went haywire. I glanced at the T.V. I had missed it. The commentators were screaming, “Oh my God, what a game, that was amazing!” “Damn it!” I yelled, I had just missed, what must have been an amazing play.2
Once more I heard the doorbell ring and I hurried to the door, not wanting to miss anything more. I sprinted into the hallway and opened the door. I started, for there upon threshold, stood an old man cloaked and hooded, with a long grey beard trailing down to his waist, holding a wooden staff. “Hello.” I said hesitantly. The man ignored me, pushing past me without even a glance and preceeded into the hall. “Wait, what are you doing?” I asked, feeling more than a little scared, after all wouldn’t you be scared if a man wearing a cloak and sporting a long grey beard walked into your house without any kind of explanation what so ever. The man bent down and began tapping the walls with his staff. He methodically searched every inch of the wall murmuring under his breath, then, he proceeded to the other side of the hall and continued on tapping the walls. It looks as though he was looking for something I thought, but what? “Excuse me.” I said meekly. He paid no attention to me what so ever. “Excuse me.” I said louder this time. He said nothing. I was still wondering what to do, when, with youthful vigor, the old man got up and strode out of the door which I had neglected to close.3
I stood there staring after the old man. The he had acted as though nothing was strange about walking into a stranger’s house without a word of explanation and to tap on the walls with a staff. I stood there wondering about the old man. Who he was, I wondered to myself. A wizard, came an answering voice in my head. I laughed out loud, for the notion that the man was a wizard, was ridiculous. But now that I thought about it he did look how he’d expect a wizard to look, and of course I’d seen movies with wizards who fit that description, who hadn’t. 4
I began to search the walls like the old man, prodding and tapping. I had forgotten about the football game, all my attention was focused on discovering what the mysterious old man was about. Then suddenly, to my surprise, a panel in the wall popped open, revealing a rusty latch. I stared at it for a few seconds wondering what was behind the door. 5
Maybe it was a vault of gold and silver, and id become rich… or maybe it was something much more sinister. I considered getting my parents, but that was out of the question, they were across town at a friend’s house, and I had left in charge. I took a deep breath and gripped the latch and tugged. But it was old and rusty and wouldn’t easily open. I braced myself against the wall and tugged with all my might. Slowly a crack in the wall appeared revealing the outline of a door. The door began to crack open until at last I could squeeze through.6
I entered through the doorway. It was dark and I felt the walls for a switch but felt none. Then my hand touched something metal and I tugged at it. The room brightened instantly. I found myself on a landing connected to a stair case, which descended into the depths.
Author notes
im looking for feedback.This is a very good story worth reading. if you read and comment ill do the same.
- Writing Review group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Fantasy captivates by ForestFaery.
130 points, ended April 21, 2008, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Look + See by NinjaMegami.
130 points, ended May 21, 2008, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Desperate for a bit of -- fantasy? by Asfand.
350 points, ended July 5, 2008, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 40 of 40
-
nice story, I'm not a big fan of the patriots (lol) but other than that the story was great! I have to admitI'd be like beyong kreeped out if some wizaed dude just like walked in my house=] Nice write
-
Good start - a few errors, but nothing too big. It had a good flow and was well written. With an edit and more being added to it with more parts, it'll be an even better story. Good job.
-
nice
This was good but sadly I can only pick three finalists, so sorry. -
in paragraph 3, did u mean upon threshold or upon the threshold? in paragraph 4, i'm a bit confused by the sentence beginning with the he had. also, u don't need the comma behind the man was a wizard.in paragraph 6, i had left should be i had been left.
Now for my review. I think this is a very good story so far. You should definately continue it rubix. I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this. It is very interesting so far. I most definately want to read more of it. Please continue.Ice :f *wolf*
-
-
thanks for your comment. yes i have alot of mistakes, but i have been aware of them for some time, i just havnt gotten around to editing. as for continuing i all ready have part 2 and 3. thanks
-rubix-
-
-
yeah....
it's good, though! -
Paragraph Two is a bit sloppy. Misplaced puntuation, a few grammatical errors, and too much shifting dialogue all rolled into one paragraph. Try separating dialogue by paragraphs.
It's a very interesting story, I must admit. But the presentation is still a bit messy. When using punctuation with dialogue, the punctuation is always inside the quotation marks, not outside.
But I still got the overall idea, it was just easy to be distracted by the typos. No big deal. Just keep working and editing and it'll be fine. Let's see where it all goes. -
sori but i dont notice the errors unless there real bad.
that was kewl. -
mmmmm......
it was cool, though there were erorrs, and something more could have been added. though, it was an enjoyable read.
-
Ok I'm doing quick comment to help you out. Remember I don't want to be harsh and mean and I won't, just helping a fellow writer out. I will do the mistakes then say what I think of the story.
~On paragraph two you put "and the outcome Depended on him." the d in depended doesn't need to be capatalized.
~Again in paragraph two. The last sentence, maybe instead of saying "the kicker backed up, preparing to kick, then as the kicker...." I see too many kicks and it could get repetitive. Maybe you can say, as the kicker backed up, preparing to kick the hopefully winning goal. Then as he ran foward.... What I changed was I ended the sentence and changed it up a bit. And started a new one.
~In pararaph 3, when someone speaks you start a new line. Such as:
(the beginning is here) The commentators were screaming, "Oh my God, what a game, that was amazing!"
"Damn!" I yelled,......
~Paragraph 4, third sentence. You put I started. Is that supposed to mean I startled or I got startled or one of those?
~Para 4 again with the talking. Start like a new line when someone talks. And also when someone talks like in you example. You say "Hello." I said hesitantly. You put a comma after hello so it'll be "Hello," I said hesitantly. You always put a comma unless you Hello! Hello? Or someone cuts you off and it's Hel-
~Para 4 "after all wouldn’t you be scared If a man wearing a cloak and sporting" In If the I should be lowercase: if
~In paragraph 5, last sentence you put "course i'd seen movies with wizards who fit that description, who hadn't." at the end of who hadn't add a question mark: who hadn't? and also i'd looks kind of weird. Something about it doesn't look right. Maybe I have. Lol that's why it's supposed to be I've with a capatilized I. lol
~Para 7 instead of id put I would
~Para 7 "and I had left in charge." should be and I had been left in charge.
~Para 7 "Slowly a crack in the was appeared revealing the outline of a door." Lol I can see you just want to finish the story. That should be, "Slowly a crack in the wall began to appear, revealing an outline of a door."
~Para 7, you're using crack a bit to much lol. Maybe in the last sentence you can put The door began to creep open until at last I could squeeze through.
Overall I like the idea of the story. It's making me wonder who that old man is and what he wants. How did that door get in your house? Maybe that used to be the old mans house way way way way back. I like it and I hope you continue. Good Job!
-
-
thank you for the helpfull comments. So far i have three parts to this story
-
-
great
just a few corrections... six lines down on paragraph 7 it says
"Slowly a crack in the was"
Was should be wall so you need to fix that other than that it was great!
-
It's good, but it needs a little work.
This is interesting, I'll give you that. However, you need a little work on your structure. There is a bit too much repitition in some parts. The end needs a bit more detail, and the beginning and middle didn't flow as well as the end.
I think attention to detail is greatly needed. There are parts that simply left me a little blank.
Other than that, it makes me curious to see what will happen next... it's not every day that a man in a cloak taps things on your walls.
-
Interesting beginning. I almost didn't read it. (Patriots...
) But I'm glad I forced my way through that.
I think it might flow better if you broke up what little talking there is and the thoughts as well, maybe italcs?
Weird Gandolf dude would def. creep me out too.
I hope you continue this.
Jack
-
-
ive done three so far
-
-
Very cleverly written, I'm intrigued and want to read the rest. I'm not really sure that the way he reacted to the old man is how most people would, maybe give it a bit more emotion or detail in that particular area.
Very interesting story though, can't wait to read more!
Good Write!
-
Haha. I loved the beginning. I'd just like to make a comment that I'm from Boston as well and grew up watching the Patriots. Whoo!
"after all wouldn’t you be scared If a man wearing a cloak and sporting a long grey beard walked into your house without any kind of explanation what so ever." I loved that line.
I really like the main character. Great job developing him/her and bringing the character out.
Keep Writing!!
-
this is really cool. it caught my attention from the beginning. You're right. This is a story worth reading! great job, keep it up, and all that other jazz!
-Evan -
this was pretty good, excusing a few grammatical errors I saw, and even though I'm no sports fan I found this interesting
Just one little thing thats annoying me though is that I don't know if the narrator is a girl or a boy >.< lol, I guess that'll come in later chapters 
And, holy shiz, how in storywrite's name did you manage to get so many comments?
-
Descriptive
This story held my attention, although I'm not much of a sports fan, although I found the wizard thing rather cliche the rest was very well written. Vivid pictures were created in my head as I read further into it and the descriptions were outstanding. Your grammar could use a bit of improving but otherwise its a wonderful start to a story! -
The young man held my attention, I’m a sports fan and I could kill when someone interrupts a game I’m watching—especially a Yankee game
.
You are in luck, it’s raining in Boston
.
This is a good start and I’m curious to see what develops. If I can I’ll read the other chapters you have posted.
You are talented young storyteller, you build a plot perfectly, the character came alive and we could see the activity taking place.
Great tension, I loved the part where he entered the strange place in the wall—I don’t see myself doing it.
You do need some careful editing (we all do
). Watch using small I for a capital I.
Check the meaning of words you’re unsure of—don’t just put it there because you like it
.
I didn’t edit this because I believe it is a first draft. As such, people have already pointed out things that need correcting.
beginning: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5.
-
It was a good beginning. I am agreeing with Twighlight angel, I did notice a few grammatical errors. Good suspense though I definately want to read part two!
-
That was a very good begnning, but there were a few spelling and grammer errors in it. Like in the beginning of paragraph 4, when it said. "I started, for there on threshold, stood an old man cloaked and hooded, with a long grey beard trailing down to his waist, holding a wooden staff."
I think it sounds better like this: I stared, for on the threshold, stood an old mad with a hooded cloak, and a long grey beard trailing down to his waist. He was holding a wooden staff.
I hope my comment helps, but it was good anyway. That was just the most prominant error I caught, and I thought that I'd tell you. I'm off to read part two, just like you asked!
-
this is really good. the second paragraph was a bit cliched but none the less, over all, a really good write. the "wizard reminded me of gandalf and dumbledore. lol. and the fact that he jus came in the house and started tapping the walls, and then yousearching the walls and finding the panel, makes one wonder and ask many questioins, which i hope are answered in the other parts. i'm really curious as to what happens next, this has really got my attention and has me wanting to read more. don't let me down.
-
Wow... That is one of the best stories that I have read in a long time. But there is only one thing that was bothering me
stretching the muscles should be flexed the muscles. You usually don't strech your muscles during a physical activity unless it is the stretch that tears your muscles.
Sorry if I sound like I am ranting but those tiny things just bother me.
Christa -
very iteresting, it kept me wondering what happens next. keep up the writting.
-
This is an intresting beggining. The wizard tapping on the wall is similar to the start of the hobbit. The story shows promise and I will try to read any following chapters.
I've picked out every typing error I could find and listed it here. Hpe this helps.
The title has been written twice, this isn't really a problem but I thought I should point it out
'and the outcome Depended on him.' depended shouldn't have a capital D
'I diverted my attention from the T.V. “, who could that be?”' remove the comma and capitalise the 'w' in who.
'he did look how he’d expect a wizard to look, and of course i’d seen movies with wizards who fit that description, who hadn’t.' I think this sentence needs some work as it is a bit unclear
'and id become' change id to I'd
beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
-
This is a very intriquing story. Keep writing and add more. I liked it, but watch your grammar and spelling though.
-
Interesting story so far. I wonder how the wizard-like man knew the doorway was there, but why it seemed that he wasn't able to find it even though the narrator did. Anyways...Keep writing! ^.^
-
-
for those of you who are wondering why the old man couldnt find it before narrator check out the second part i hope to write soon
-
-
Okay ^^
-
-
-
I thought this was a really interesting and imaginative story. The first paragraph really captured my attention, and so did the last paragraph. This had mystery, and a well-established and well written storyline behind it as well. A few mistakes in grammar and stuff, but mainly this was really enjoyable and interesting to read. I haven't read anything this imaginative in a long time... Great job, and keep writing!
-
This was a really cool story ^^
This person is very brave O.o I would be so hesitant to go down there, but this person is like, 'Woo! Stairs leading into darkness! Alright!' That's a good thing. I like the character
Good progression, tension, etc. I loved it when the old dude just came in and started prodding the walls with his stick. You could tell that the narrator was weirded out by it.
So: The old dude couldn't find the door, but the narrator could. My theory on this is... The narrator is just naturally more magical than the old dude (or) just good old fashioned fate
This was a great read; good work!
Eph
-
-
read the second part and find out or maybe the thrird part i dont plan out books i just write
-
-
I'm sorry, but I cannot accept your entry. I clearly stated that I want prewrites - those that existed before the inception of my contest (Mid March), not stories that have been prewritten only minutes before before entered into my contest.
-
a pretty good beginning for a story. Though I wonder why the old man couldn't find it though the main character could find it easily. Maybe you could explain how he had a hard time finding it or something.
-
Pretty good. There isn't really that much more to point out after those other two comment. One thing that bugs me, The W in ",who could that be?" should be capitalized and the comma should be at the other end. The story is overall good and well planned out, although it was a bit predictable. Keep going with this! I wanna see what happens next!
-
Not bad. there are a few things that could be smoothed out. What MurderousGamer pointed out for starters.
" “, who could that be?” " Small typo there, I think the comma should prolly be behind the quotation marks
In Paragraphs 4, 5 and 6, you use the line "The old man" a lot, I personally think that a few less, might make it flow better, using "he", or "him" instead might work? An example below of what I mean.
"I stood there staring after the him. He had acted as though nothing was strange about walking into a stranger’s house without a word of explanation, and to tap on the walls with a staff. I stood there wondering about the man; who was he? I thought to myself. A wizard? came an answering voice in my head. I laughed out loud, for the notion that the man was a wizard, was ridiculous. But now that I thought about it he did look how he’d expect a wizard to look, and of course I’d seen movies with wizards who fit that description, who hadn’t"
And in paragraph 7, you have a couple of little "i" in there.
One last thing, I think it would be nice if you could find a way of slipping the main characters name in there, so we can get to know him better.
Think that's about it, don't take what I say as law, it's all just my opinion; but I hope that there is something in there that can help you.
Nice read, and I'm curious as to what happens next.
-
Few quick pointers:
When naming a team, use Capital Letters in their Name.
Uh...shouldn't they want a not-tie? Cos if they tie,they won't win. So they want more than one point.
Use commas when describing actions like in here:
" “Touchdown”! I yelled jumping up and down..."
Insert a comma between "yelled" and "jumping".
Use "really" instead of "real nervous".
"...the kicked backed...". "Kicker"?
Rephrase Para. 3 to:
"I glanced away from the television screen, distractedly.
"Who could that be?" I asked aloud.
Just as I got to my feet, a sudden outburst of cheering from the screen caught my attention. I glanced back at the screen;I had missed it!
"Oh my God, what a game! That was amazing!" greeted me from the commentators' booth. I swore vehemently. I'd missed what must have been an amazing play."
Um...you get the idea.
Generally good,but small issues, like technicality.
I'll comment fully later, cos I have a little work to do right now.
-
very intersing. the characters were really realistic and it felt like i was watching a little mini movie. there were some miss spellings i came across but their really little and small mistakes. i would recomend a different backround though for your page. it was kind of hard to read with the words bright red. all together it was pretty good. tell me when part 2 comes out ;]
Adding your comment:
1 - 40 of 40
