Old Betty Henderson: She's Got Mail

Old Betty Henderson looked down at her desk. On the old, wooden table lay her brand new, cyan computer. She didn't really want the thing, but her grandson said that she needed to catch up with technology. Since it was no cost to her, she decided to go shopping with him. When she was at the store, she spotted the blue beauty. Even though it had the worse performance, the color was beautiful. 1

The computer just sort of rested where it was. In a strange way, it seemed as if it was calling Betty towards it. She really didn't want to mess around with the hunk of metal, but she wanted to make her grandson happy. "Here's to you Peter," she whispered to herself.2

With all her force, she opened up the nearby window. She set her hands on the edge and looked far down below. She was on the fourth floor of her apartment complex. Sometimes she questioned as to whether or not she should have moved to the crappy condo, but she had little money so the decision seemed wise.3

She took a deep breath and went over to the new computer. Now was going to be her chance to play around with it. She plopped her old butt into the cheap lawn chair that stood before her desk. (She lived in an apartment for goodness sake. She didn't have the money for grand furniture and a royal ball).4

She pushed the clear button in the front of the iMac. The button lit up in a bright yellow. The computer began to make a humming sound and the screen flashed on. A message popped up saying that the computer was loading, so Mrs. Henderson leaned back and waited.5

As she sat in boredom, her mind began to wander. She started thinking about Peter and how he had spent the entire day working on the computer. He had spent so much time making sure that Betty had the Internet. All day he typed away; setting up her AOL account.6

In her opinion, he was a young Einstein. He was such a wizard when it came to computers. Although she had no real clue as to what he was doing, she was thankful that he cared.7

The computer was still loading. "What is this crud?" she said. "This isn't an iMac. This is iCrap!" 8

She took her hand and hit the side of the computer. Amazingly, it finished loading. "Much better," she confirmed. "In my day, good service cost a nickel."9

Old Betty put her hand on her mouse. In complete shock, she glared down at the small, white chunk of plastic. "Wow fella... you don't even look like a mouse. They sure worked hard on you. I bet a cat wouldn't even try to eat you any more!"10

After realizing that the mouse was paralyzed, she dragged it towards the AOL icon. She double clicked the button. About sixty-seven seconds later (the poor woman counted), the program finally opened. She selected her screenname, OldHag12, and typed in her password. She clicked submit and was now ready for the World Wide Web!11

The process was a slow one. As the screen dialed away, an error occurred because the local number could not be found. As she tried a second time, an unknown error occurred. On the third try, everything worked perfectly, but she had typed the wrong password and had to redo everything. Thirteen minutes and 9 tries later, she finally logged onto AOL. "Good lord," she commented. "AOL must stand for Aren't OnLine!"12

As the process continued, the word "welcome" could be heard from the speakers. "Oh thanks," she said. "Hello to you to!" She smiled at the computer and stared into the screen. This was followed by a friendly wave.13

As the messages continued, the computer announced: "You've got mail!"14

Betty freaked out. How on Earth did the computer known that? It was so bizarre, because coincidentially, she hadn't checked her mail when she was downstairs. "Thanks, I'll go check it," she said. The tone in her voice made it seem like she treated the iMac like a deaf mute. "Did you hear me? I said ttt-h-a-n-k yyy-o-u!"15

She got up from her chair and opened the front door. She walked outside and headed down the stairs. When she finally got down from the fourth floor, she walked on over to her mailbox. Being at her old age, she got exhausted easily. As she took a deep breath, she opened up the box. To her surprise, there was nothing inside.16

"Damn shit argh grrr ahh uh arg grr crap poop ack!" she screamed. "There's nothing here. My damn computer was wrong! I walked all this way for nothing!"17

She walked back up the four flights of stairs. When she got all the way back up, she felt like passing out. Luckily, the sweet old woman made it back to her computer desk safely. She sat back down.18

"You were wrong, you stupid computer," she mocked. "Oh, I hate you."19

After getting no response, she started playing around with her computer some more. She placed her hand back on her newly gained pet mouse and started scrolling around. "Oh look, I think I see some chatrooms!"20

Unbelievably, Betty had actually made her way to something. She was gazing upon a list of possible places to chat. She scrolled down the list and was not satisfied. "Suicide Party? Lesbian Love? Evil Poptarts? What the hell are these rooms about... goodness, the day that mice started being slaughtered, the world turned to chaos!"21

She closed the chat window. She assumed that she could do something else. But as she tried to drag her mouse over an icon, nothing happened. Her computer was completely frozen. "Gosh damn this shit! Looks like I'm gonna have to do my nickel treatment."22

Mrs. Henderson balled up a fist and slammed it into the side of the computer. The computer shook and buzzed. After that, it was no longer frozen. "Some things never change," she said with a smile.23

As she began to proceed with her Internet voyage, her speakers went off again. "You've got mail!" they said. Betty made an angry face and crossed her arms. "I'm not falling for that shit again." She looked into the computer screen. To her, it looked sad. Betty began to feel bad for yelling. "Fine, I'll go down and check my mailbox. Something better be in it though."24

She grabbed her cane and went back out of the room. It took her much longer to get downstairs. When she finally got to the last painstaking step, she was breathing heavily. She made her way over to her mailbox and slid in the key. As the panel slid open, Betty found herself staring at an empty box.25

"Crap biotch shit grr grrr GRRRRR ahh poop butt munch fried chicken!" she screamed. She was now really pissed. "I can't believe that nothing is in here!"26

She walked back upstairs in about a fourth of her original speed. She was so exhausted and old. She fell down about half way up and a man had to help her finish her quest. When she got back to her room, she sat down in front of the iMac.27

"You are evil!" she screamed. "I went downstairs twice and I have no damn mail. You are wrong and you are unsuccessful at everything!"28

As she screamed at her computer, an instant message popped up. Betty quit yelling at her new hardware, and began to read the message.29

crazyted213: Would you like to gain five inches?30

Mrs. Henderson was in shock. This guy was a pervert. But being the nice and loving person that she was, she tried to not be insulting. (Keep in mind that this was not a quick response).31

OldHag12: Sorry. I'm content right now. My ruler already goes to twelve. Anyway, I uhh... I need some help with something. Would you mind?32

crazyted213: Ugh fine, what's the problem?33

Betty jumped up with joy. Perhaps the Internet wasn't such a bad thing.34

OldHag12: Well, my computer keeps telling me that I have mail. I continue to go downstairs to my mailbox but it is always empty.35

crazyted213: LMAO! Are you joking? It's not in your mailbox numbnuts. It's in your computer! Look, I g2g. Good luck finding it.36

Betty got confused. Her mail was inside the computer. With amazement, she put her face up to the side of the monitor. She looked in an air hole to see if she could find anything. Sadly, it was only wires.37

She continued to search all along the ends of the computer. She tried continuously to find the opening that the mail came out of. She pushed all the buttons and flipped all the switches, but nothing opened up the compartment with her letter.38

Finally, she backed off from the box of metal crap. She couldn't figure out how to open it up and get her message. After giving up, she put her hand back on her mouse and tried to browse again.39

As her hand slid to the left, the arrow on the screen did not. The computer had froze again. "Damn this piece of poo!" she yelled.40

She grabbed the cane that was still in her hand from her adventure to the mailbox. Instantly, she began applying her nickel treatment. She took the cane and smashed it into the side of the modem. Another hit smacked the top. One hit made a dent and another made a strange burping sound.41

Once again she tried to move her mouse. It was still unsuccessful. Betty realized that she must have messed it up with all the buttons she pressed. She continued to beat it up. "Stupid crap... I'll show ya!"42

She stood up and grabbed the cane in both hands. She let out a giant battle cry and swung at the monitor. A large dent went into the top as a smacking roar was heard. She screamed once again and hit the computer right in the center. It slid back into the wall.43

The iMac had unleashed the monster within Betty. She grabbed the inexpensive lawn chair with her old, feeble hands and raised it above her head. With her legs shaking, she lauched the chair down and smacked the left side of the computer. The monitor started sliding across the desk, spinning around in a hectic fashion. As it continued to slide on its path of doom, Betty stood in awe.44

"Oh shit!" she screamed. The computer was out of control. Where the wooden table ended, the opened window began. As if the computer were angry at Betty's insults, it jumped out the window. As it tumbled down the four stories of doom, Betty's hands covered her mouth. She ran up to the window and looked far down below.45

"Shit ass cock ass argh ahhh oh oooo biotch crap cranberry arghet pineapple poopbutt cider nipplets biscuit ack milkshake!" she screamed. The fear put random words into her mouth. "Oh my gosh... I... damn it... I destroyed my grandson's gift. Peter is going to be pissed. Shit. Look at all those damn pieces."46

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~47

In a very tragic accident, the poor old lady lost her computer. After finding out what happened, her grandson quit talking to her. It was a horrible occurrence for Old Lady Henderson, but one good thing did occur. With iMac pieces scattered all about in the mud, Betty got to see the mail that was sent to her - what was inside the computer.48

An expert told her that it was a chip. She didn't think it tasted that good.