Imogen2077- Introduction


My eyes were attatched to the screen. The slight fuzzy tint was boring my eyes however i was fixated on the content. 1

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ValentineBoy455: So immy, darling when are we going to meet up?3

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I was excited as ever, I contained myself and drew in a deep breath. I began to type.5

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Immy2077: I am down by the meadow tomorrow night? Perhaps then babe? x7

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I tapped my fingers nervously, anxiously waiting for a reply. He always took long to reply and I was starting to feel like he just didn't care.9

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ValentineBoy455: Well i can meet you there at 7ish baby girl. You want me to bring anything, you know, to help us pass the time? Wink 11

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I looked at the screen puzzled and a fragment of my imagination was feeling shocked, a little frightened.13

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ValentineBoy455: Don't worry baby I am just joking with you x15

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I switched off the computer without even saying "Goodbye Babe". I thought over what he was saying. I had never met Peter before, I had never seen many pictures really. Even though he was extremely lovely, perhaps I shouldn't go to the meadows. How wrong was I?17

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My phone rang however I did not pick up because I was walking in the dark alleyway beside my house. The trees were being swayed by the gusty wind but this didn't stop me. I had a burning ambition to go and meet Peter, I needed to see him, in real. I stepped over the rusting, slippery metal gate which led into a giant field where a few foxes scattered away into the wilderness. I perched my bottom on the middle of the green, damp grass and pulled out my phone. I had one missed call and a text.21

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Hey Baby, it's Jake from yesterday night. You gave me your number so i guessed i could text you. What you up to tonight babe?23

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I pressed cancel, Jake was a boy you didn't want to get on the wrong side of, however, as soon as I had Peter by my side I would be safe from all my worries. I looked up at the stars it was only 6:45 and a slight chill ran down my spine. It was ridiculously quiet apart from the whistle of the wind once in a while. My phone buzzed once again in my pocket; this time it was also a text. I checked the number but I did not recognise it. 25

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Girls like you shouldn't be playing out on fields at this time of night. Have a good night.27

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I looked up in fright. Instantly, I covered my mouth before my whole world just came crashing down. 29

Author notes

to be carried on perhaps?

In a list

Should I continue this on?

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    May 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Hmm.

    This has the makings of of a good mystery/suspense story. You left us with a cliffhanger. She seems to be courting trouble. Is she going to be harmed? Somebody is at least trying to frighten her.

    Thanks for joining Storywrite. I hope that you'll enjoy it here.

    Andy


  • NiceGirl
    April 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    The idea is a good one. And it makes the reader wonder what will happen to the girl next. But if you do not mind I have some suggestions for the style:
    1. spelling mistakes and grammar, you should really pay some more attention to it because it is something that can annoy the reader and no matter how good the plot is one will leave without going to the end of it.
    2. Sentence structure. There are too many short sentences with "I", you could combine them. For example:
    you write "I was excited as ever, I contained myself and drew in a deep breath. I began to type." It can be changed to "Excited as ever i contained myself, drew in a deep breath and began to type"

    There are other sentences like that and i hope you got the idea.

    3. Word choice. Be careful when choosing words, some are not necessary, some are clishees, you should find your unique style. 

    And then considering the plot idea and if you make some changes you will do great in story writing. 

    Because you sure have sense for good topics to write on!

    Keep up a good work!! :)

    Good luck! 

    beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 3.


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    April 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You've gotten some really good advice on this story from some really good writers here. Listen to them, they will help you grow.

    As to your question, yes, you need to keep this going. Not only is it a good write, besides the typos, but a really good subject. One that I hope my daughters will read and learn from.

    Keep it up and welcome to SW
    Brooke
    co-head greeter


  • loyda
    April 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    keep on writting! i really want to know how this carries on, how it finishes!

    actually i was reading some 'safety precautions' about internet people a minute ago, so this was even more creepy

    one thing though, in the girl's firt text message it says 'perhaps then'. i dont really think a naive girl would even know how to write 'perhaps', so i guess it would be more realistic if the text was all miswritten and such

    like 'mabe thn' or something like that, you know, how kids write nowadays.

    but besides that, please keep on writting! i want to know the ending


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    April 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I don't know what it is about internet stalkers, but they are one of the top ten creepiest things I can think of. *laughs* You built up the atmosphere and the tension really well - I hope you do continue it, or you will have a lot of people wondering what happened to her! It's kind of a cliffhanger ending. A couple of rough grammar places and/or typos, but overall pretty good. A real mystery! Best of luck with all of your writing, and welcome to Storywrite!


  • Rosen Rot
    April 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh WOW!
    Pleaaase keep going!
    It really drew your reader into the story from the first paragraph.
    i spotted a few spelling and grammer errors, but overall, your writing style is great, and the story has alot of potential.
    Nice work so far ^_^


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    April 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Should I continue? In answer to that question, I think you better .

    I do want to know what happened to her.

    This is very well writen story, that with a bit of editing and some more work should sell to a teen magazine.

    You are a talented storyteller, you created a good plot and it flowed smoothly.

    You use your words effectively and build a bond between your character and the reader. I will keep my eyes open for more of your work

    Welcome to SW if we can help in any way, olease let us know.


  • tallblondie gold member
    April 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Good integration of the text messages and IM's into your piece. I liked how you built atmosphere in the piece.

    Your grammer needs work in places, but the flow of the story isn't disrupted by it much.

    Good grasp of language and spelling, and I definitely would like to see this story expanded. You have a solid basis for something larger.

    Good work!

    Keep writing and welcome to Storywrite!

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