i'm not sure yet...

She sits alone on the footsteps of a porch reminincing on the memories of her past friendships. Thinking of how much they've changed over the past few years, shes very nostalgic. One particular friendship stands out from the rest. One that hasn't ended but comes and goes as the years wear on. One that meanst he world to her, even it doesn't to him.1

As the sky turns grey and it starts to rain she remembers all the times that he's suddenly disappeared from her life leaving her to wonder what she'd done wrong. She'd been there as much as she could, tried to pick him up when he was down. It hdn't always worked and in fact, probably never helped him, but she tried. That was what counted. She hated to see him down. He was a great guy, one that a person was able to count on, and it meant that she'd have to act like a fool, she'd do it just to see him smile. Of course, the sentimental jabs he made at her always brought her to the brink of tears with laughter and he'd been there or her when no one else was, but that wasn't often anymore. Lately they never really talked. In fact, neither of them really had much to say. They'd make up random comments and jokes but they weren't the friends they used to be. She often wondered if it was even worth trying to get close again because she never knew when he was goin to walk out on her.2

Recalling their latest conversation, she was still in turmoil on what to do next. He had a problem that she couldn't help with and she wasn't in a state to help him through it mentally. Shed become too emotionally attached to him to be able to talk him through it, and it hurt to see him so worried and helpless. This one he'd just have to do on his own. Maybe next time she'd be able to stand with him, but she wasn't so sure. Some of the things they'd talked about had really hurt her. She wasn't sure she even knew him at all, or ever had. She wasn't sure she wanted to. She loved him to death and adored him like no other but a part of her still wanted something much different. A part of her was much more than just a friend to him, it was somehow close to being in love. Of course, he'd never know that, she hadn't wanted him to. She recollected the one point when she'd told him about that small part of her. He'd practically laughed in her face, told her it was impossible. She known that though, she'd only wanted him to know how she truly felt about him. He'd hurt her that night too and that small part of her deminished down to almost nothing. It was long after that when he'd taken a leave of absence. 3

A leave of absence, he was famous for those. He'd done it on many occasions throughout the past three years and she'd started coming to the conclusion that it as his own defense mechanism. He'd recently accused her of not caring and pushing him away when she had those exact feelings about him. She wondered how he could care and walk away for close to a year. Then he'd come back and it was supposed to be fine with her. This time he'd somehow managed to root those old feelings back to the surface and no matter how hard she'd fought it, she had eventually had to admit how she felt if only to keep her from going insane. This time though, she wasn't going to let him know and he couldn't read her well enough to find out. He didn't care to find out either, that as made clear by the way he consistently blew off her attempts to have a conversation and get to know each other again. They weren't friends anymore, she realized. She was merely a way for him to time and avoid his boredom.4

As the rain started to slack off and the day turned into night her thoughts turned to how the two of them first met and the way they'd gotten so close. She remembered now things that she hadn't been able to only a few weeks ago. She recalled how he'd left comments on her writing and times when he'd pop into the chatterbox and make random comments about how great her poems were. They weren't, but to him they were grand. They'd gone from chatting on the site to messenger and then calling each other. They'd talk for hours about nothing and everything all in the same. those were the good days. She laughed when she remembered how they'd text each other all night and the end results of bills that were between three and five hundred dollars. Her mom still wouldn't let her live that down. Running through her memories she recalled the jokes about how they were soulmates and they'd get married or the times when she'd call and end up talking to his brother because he asn't home from work yet.5

As the night grew long she decided that no matter how much she hurt, she'd be there for him. He as truely one of her best friends and there was no way he was going through this without her. Shed continue to stick by side as best she could but she'd open her mouth about all the things she felt they needed to discuss. He was a great person and she cared about him. The times they had were much to great to simply toss out like they meant nothing. She just hoped things turned out the best for him and they were able to get back on track be he disappeared for good.