Redneck Letter

To Governor of Kentucky:1

We are real sorry about last Friday night. We was just fishin’ in the dark. We have our own strategy of fishin’, you know. It’s called ‘The Redneck Fish-finder”. It’s simple, really. Put a string of dynamite in the crik, and BAM! You know where the fish are. But it really was an accident. When we found the fish, Buford was in the outhouse, which unfortunately was settin’ beside a convenient stack of dynamite. (We were planning to fish all night.) And how were we supposed to know someone kept gasoline tanks there? We blame the burning of the town on Billy Bob. He had hot wired the fire engine two days before and used the ladder to set up his tree stand. It was only after he was halfway up the ladder that poor Billy Bob realized he had forgotten to pull the E-brake. Well, to say the least, the pond at the bottom of the hill rose a few feet. So, as you can see, he was directly the cause of all of this. About the Jumbo Jet you landed on the freeway… we should’ve warned you that Frank is a war vet. 2

As for our other offences, well… I still believe the fine we got for animal abuse was flawed. We was all just having a little fun. We had our still up in the woods, yes. I know making whiskey is illegal, but it was strictly made for family purposes. There was no profit involved, except enough to buy new mud tires for my pickup every month. Tequila, the cat, followed us up to the still that day. Larry was getting’ hitched for the sixth time, and the wedding was held at our still. As I said, strictly for family purposes. When Larry and Luann lit the match to light the candles, Larry missed the candle and lit the whiskey on fire. Tequila should’ve known not to be drinking from the whisky barrel. But we did the right thing: threw the flaming fur ball in the crik. But… apparently… well, we’ll just say that the people who found Tequila at the bottom of the waterfall didn’t know the whole story.3

We were completely uninformed about driver’s license. When was that law put in affect! Charlie is well able to drive my pickup trick. He’s ten years old, for Bud Light’s sake! He’s been driving the tractor since he was eight. 4

Taxes? We have to pay them? I thought they were just for people who cared about the government. I guess that explains the notices we’ve been receiving in the mail for the past 25 years. 5

No four-wheelers on the highway? Well that stinks worse than dead skunk at a church social in the heat of summer. That’s our main way of transportation. Now how am I supposed to get to the National Redneck Association?6

Oh, horse feathers! Bessy the bull got out again. I guess I had better go now, because neighbor Frank just got a new cow named Johnny Bob, and I don’t want a little Bessy Bob. 7

Sincerely,8

An anonymous citizen 9