I promised you that if you decided to leave I would forget about you. I swore on my knees, tears rolling down my face that I wouldn’t hold it against you. I never expected you to do it.1
There was not a trace of our torrid love affair, not even a note to tell me that you’d gone back to her, but I knew that was where you were. I curled up in a ball under an old quilt that smelled of pancakes and summer mornings in bed to try and wish you away. I quietly imploded, trying my hardest to stay loyal to the promise. The ghost of you curled up in my heart and I was aware of every memory I would have to give up for me to fulfill what I’d sworn to you. I didn’t want to.2
There were sweet times that passed too quickly, lengthy mornings in bed while people made their way through the snow outside. Champagne kisses and John Lennon songs sang at the top of our lungs. Somewhere along the line it had crashed, probably because of me. You weren’t happy. You left me because you weren’t happy. The boy who had once loved my eccentricities and wild ideas grew to resent my unpredictability and instability. You were the sun that I spun around. I was the asteroid that disappeared into your bright surface. I gave you all of me, every magical cell and wink I presented to you through phone lines at five am. I took your worry and advice and hung them on my walls in the form of chalk dust drawings and transparent poetry. We lived on orange juice and Andes mints. We loved each other. What happened?3
You weren’t happy. You went back to her because of a gold band you’d never share with me, a bond that is supposed to last through life but can be terminated with paper. You went back to her because she was safe to love. She never curled up in the fetal position in the bathroom and waited for death. She never came home covered in paint and words expecting you to understand earth-shattering madness. She never asked too much of you. She loved you with a love that was correct and standard. She could have come out of a plastic box at a toy store. I thought you wanted more than that. Apparently I was wrong.4
Once you told me that I was exotic and you liked that I was slightly off-kilter. I was destructive and you liked to look at the flames as they rose and danced like a girl at a bar. You were mesmerized by my uncontrollable madness, my flagrant disregard for rules and authority. When you were with me you were someone else. You could be whoever you wanted to be. We accepted each other. I told you I had always been rejected, you told me you had always been loved. We put the two together and watched the chemical explosion in our stolen kisses. The flame turned blue with the heat as I pulled you into my beautiful wretched world. It was different from the inside.5
I am still rejected, you are still loved, nothing at all has changed. But it hurts more. My twisted sense of self can no longer hold out now that I know what I’m missing. I swear to stalk to streets looking for you. I can’t. My guilt won’t let me. This was a role I was never meant to play. I knew that from the first time my palm touched yours, when ours hearts beat in our mouths and our eyes told separate stories of love and desire. I knew that you were meant for her and I was meant for oblivion. 6
I do everything in my power to quench the fire in my soul, the passion that blazes for you. I close my eyes and focus on my breathing; I go to ridiculous yoga classes where they tell me to relax. I’ve never been good at calm, I laugh and the instructor throws me out. I sit on the floor of the loft we shared and sketch angels and laughter on the floor with pastels. They mock me as I sleep so I destroy them with the might of a goddess. I can’t stand myself any longer. I want to peel off my skin and find a different me underneath. A me that people will be able to relate to and understand. I walk out into the streets and I feel as if I’m on a planet I don’t belong in. Lost in translation I cover ground to nowhere fast and throw myself into the first body of water I see.7
I pretend that I am a mermaid and you will save me. You never come. I float on the surface and contemplate what it means to be burnt, to destroy, to live, to love. I see the sun high overhead and I think of you. I feel the water ripple under me and I think of you. I climb onto the beach and I think of you.8
The overwhelming grief living in my abdomen clutches my stomach, my heart, my brain. I submit to it lying on the beach, the sun bleaching my hair. I try to cry out all of you that is left in me. When my eyes are empty I walk back into the water and nature embraces me the way you wanted to all along. I dive into my own little mermaid world where I’m not a desperate princess child who needs a prince to save her. I take deep breaths and leave the memory of you in the water. When I slip out and into my life again I have kept my promise to you. I look away and decide never to look back. 9
Author notes
my name is Gibson and my username is fallingforever5. I chose option 1
if anyone is interested, I actually wrote a sequel to this, it's called sunburnt days in the city and it's from the guys p.o.v
In a list
A contest entry
- don't stop now ... [♥] by always feel pretty.
450 points, ended May 13, 2008, 38 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - love, dreams, wishes, and kisses ♥ by miles of smiles.
1225 points, ended June 30, 2008, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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OHMYFREAKINGGOD, this is amaaazing. I see what you mean by flash fiction now, yeah. I kind of do it myself without realising, when I get a thought in my head and write random prose XD
Now I can give it a name
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this!!
Its so intense and thoughtful and brilliant. I have the feeling I know you better through it, that even though its 'fiction' theres a peice of you inside it.
'The boy who had once loved my eccentricities and wild ideas grew to resent my unpredictability and instability' I could relate to that, and most of this. Trying to forget someone and really not wanting to be in the situation where you have to...and yet knowing it would be that way all along. Being the one full of life and randomness and spontenaety, and knowing that in the end people will retreat from that to something more stable.
Loved the way you described things in this. About being a mermaid. The references to drawing and chalk and pastels. How you described the other as being safe, made in a box, comforting.
I've always been out of kilter, as you put it.
Some people are afraid you'll explode in their face I guess. Losers! lol.
Loved this! XD
xxxx
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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Powerful and strong, even though the speaker seems to give up in the beginnnig, she comes through. And that makes it beautiful. Paragraph four was definitely my favorite...It was reallyreallyreally amazing.
Good luck!
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thank you so much!
if you're interested I also wrote a kind of sequel to this story from the guy's p.o.v, it's called sunburnt days in the city.
thanks again for your comment, it made my day
-gibson
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nice
This was good but sadly I can only pick three finalists, so sorry. -
This didn't quite meet the length requirement, and to be quite honest it didn't fall under the absolutely amazing catagory either. Please consider submitting something else or else i will have to DQ in two days.
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Brilliant. Beautiful. Sweet. Heartbreaking. Absolutely goose-bump worthy? Hell yush.
It's scary how close this made me cry. Don't change a thing.
erica
xoxo
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I enjoyed the analogy you applied as regards to their love and attraction, as well as your artful evocation of emotion in this piece. Much of how this was wrtten matched your character's personality - chaotic and intense.
Well done! Thank you for your entry and good luck!
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"The boy who had once loved my eccentricities and wild ideas grew to resent my unpredictability and instability." Whoa.... that made me feel like shit right now. Hit a little too close to home? I think so.
I've drunk too much from this. I'm hungover and the despair is hitting me right in the fucking gut.
I don't know about the end though. Um... OK, it progresses into a sort of frazzled, chaotic desperation... which is interesting to the structure, I like it, you should keep that
but I think those last few lines jump around a little too much, and personally, I would like to see more that connects to the mermaid. I thought that was gorgeous. The last line doesn't relate to anything, in my opinion. (I like that song though, if you even know what I'm talking about) Because she can't just walk away, you see... not emotionally, anyway.
Although there's room that I see for improvement, I enjoyed it still.
Well, except for the first paragraph on down to like... the eighth? Yeah, no room for improvement there.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, characters: 5.
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yeah, I wrote it based off of how I feel when I listen to the song 'land locked blues' by bright eyes, so if that was what song you were referring to you were right on the money. and thank you for the advice. my ends are always a little rocky, it's something I need to work on.
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Hmmm, thought it was Oh, also I wanted to say that I forgot earlier: "I walk back into the water and nature embraces me the way you wanted to all along," is beautiful beautiful beautiful... just so ya know... so if you do end up editing the end, pleeeeeaaaase don't take that out!
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well noted, I'm going to revise the end but I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it yet so I'll let you know.
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Anyone who can use oblivion well is okay in my book. It was well written, the emotions just leaped off of the "page". It made me sad even though I know the guy needed to go back to his wife. That's just personal though. The writing kept me drawn in though, great job!
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that was a very strong peice alot of emotion. sometimes people just think they love each other but they dont. im not really into emotional stuff like this but it really got me
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Wonderfully written, but there were definately some places that could have been de-cheesied.
"I wasn’t sure where it had gone wrong"
The oldest one in the book. Try avoiding phrases like that, that have been used too much.
But other than that, a great read. I especially loved the ending line.
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Breathtaking and heartfelt
"She could have come out of a plastic box at a toy store. I thought you wanted more than that. Apparently I was wrong."
I love that line, it's simple yet effective. This entire piece was well thought out, flowed beautifully, and radiated the emotions of love, betrayl, and sorrow. I loved this, it was gorgeous. The language was just fantastic. Wonderful job.
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Wow, I believe that is brilliantly written. That was the most beautiful imagery I think I have ever seen. You could just feel the happiness vibrating off of the screen. The love that was once there and ceased to exist, it was all wonderful. You're choice of words I thought was pretty nice too. You're metaphors were absolutely amazing. I like the overall theme of the story. I really don't know what else to say besides the fact that this is an amazing piece of work. I wish you the very best. =]
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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