And the dream from the start was scarred,
The fractured ground already hard,
As you measure the miles, yard by yard
Stay strong my friend, stay strong.1
And you moved out into the sun
Though the dream was damaged before it’d begun
You paced yourself, you did not run
For the journey my friend is long.2
And now the day, it drags its feet,
Your aching body thirsts for sleep
And the sun, it scorches the tears you weep
Walk on my friend, walk on.3
Your blistered feet can walk the mile,
Your sunburned lips can hold their smile,
Your throat force down the stinging bile
You’re strong my friend, so strong.
Author notes
I dont think that this poem is as good as some of my others so I would appriciate your honest oppinion on it. I tried my best with it but I dont know if I got it to flow all that well, what do you think? Also I couldnt think of a decent title so I would be greatful for any suggestions you could make and I hopefully I can change it to something a bit better.
A contest entry
- Sing Me A Song by lexiconsthedevil.
130 points, ended June 13, 13 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please give honest feedback of this poem. I would also like suggestions of a better title if you please.
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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Keep Strong
That is what I would call it... I like this poem; it is descriptive and has wonderful imagery! Good job! -
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Thanks for the title suggestion hun. I am glad you liked this poem as well, I was apprihensive about posting it cos I didnt think it was that good but so far people have been very supportive of it. Thankyou for your comment.
X Amber X
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This is powerful. I think the title suits it.
I also think it flows quite well. Although I'm not a poet nor do I understand a lot of the conventions of good poetry. But I know words, and I know how words can affect people and this works well.
Great job and I really enjoyed the struggle you described but the character was still strong.
Angel.
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Thankyou for reading this. I appriciate the fact that you read it even though you dont really do poetry. You seem to understand perfectly what I was trying to get across.
X Amber X
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If this isn't your best, then I think your best must be absolutely astounding. The flow and timing was smooth, seamless, and perfect. It was interesting and well-written.
The imagery was incredible and the words were powerful. You certainly have a knack for poetry! This is one of the best poems I have ever read. Normally I find poetry a little boring, but there was nothing boring about this incredible poem. To say this poem is amazing is an understatement -
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Well you certainly know how to brighten up my day! Thankyou so much for your wonderful comment, I do not have the best oppinion of my own work sometimes, (self critique is a common fault a lot of people have I think) and so it is always good when someone reasures me that I dont write complete rubbish, and when someone such as yourself tells me Im wonderful... well, what can I say! You have made my day hun, thankyou so much!
X Amber X
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Cool poem. ^^ The imagery is awesome, and I can see it very clearly in my head. It seems like it doesn't have as nice a flow as some of your other poems, but I still like it. The picture goes nicely with the words as well. This rhyming scheme is cool. ^.^ Your poetry is always so vivid and emotional, and this certainly lives up to that. The title goes well with the poem. Keep up the great writing, it really inspires me! <3
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Thankyou as always for such a wonderful comment. I agree that this doesnt have quite the right flow to it and one of these days I will get round to tweaking it to see if I can improve it. I am very glad you enjoyed it though.
X Amber X
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I like this poem! I think the title fits it quite nicely.
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Thankyou for reading this poem and taking the time to comment. I seem to be having a lot of people tell me that they like the title so I think I may keep it as it is.
X Amber X
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Wow Amber! This was really good! Kinda had a good rhythm! really good!
I enjoyed it! i cant really give u any helpful comments cuz im not that great with poetry! x_X
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Well telling me how wonderful I am is helpful enough my dear, lol. I take it you thought this poem was 'good'? Hehe. I appriciate you reading it and thankyou for the comment. It has given my lagging confidence a boost if nothing else so you can leave the constructive critisism thing up to other people and not stress over it. Thanks again my lovely.
X Amber X
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Well, I don't normally read other's poetry, as they are often personal and hard to get inside the writer's head and pull the correct meaning from context. What I can comment on is the great sense of symmetry and flow which you have here. It reads wonderfully, and flows well, and maintains both from beginning to end. The title is more than appropriate, it's simplistic and powerful, just like the poem.
All in all, a very well-done piece of poetry that didn't leave me wondering "What the hell were they talking about?"
Kudos!
. Rewarded 8
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Thankyou so much for reading this poem and commenting on it. I have had a couple of people now tell me that they like this title so I may keep it as it is. Thankyou for telling me what you thought worked with this piece, I wasnt sure had gotten it quite right so I appriciate your feedback.
X Amber X
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You have good rhyme in your poem and thats good!
In a honest way your poem does makes sense. You have a great way of understanding of your surroundings when you imgagining things that are real or not. I think the title "Endurance" fits you poem strongly and I wouldn't change it. Keep writing!!
. Rewarded 6
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Thankyou very much for your comment. It is good to know that people like what I write and it is very encouraging because I dont always have the highest self estime about my work. Thankyou for taking the time to comment (especially because you say such nice things about this poem, lol)
X Amber x
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i'm not usually a big poem person (not because I don't like them, but usually because I just don't get them). But it was easy to admire the artistry and grace with which this poem flows. And also, your color choices for the page are awesome and help add to the power of this piece. Great word choices and great job.
. Rewarded 6
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Oh thankyou my dear, I appriciate your oppinion. I thought carefully about the colour sceme for this poem and tried to pick out a picture that would enhance what I was trying to say in the poem. I take particular pleasure in knowing that you enjoyed this piece if you are not a poem person, thankyou so much for reading and letting me know what you thought.
X Amber X
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The first line caught my attention right away and I knew I had to read this all the way through. Very encouraging, very obviously the thoughts of a friend who would support another through any hardship. The flow of this, to me, seems almost lyrical... I could almost see a lot of these lines as if they should have some sort of music behind them.
. Rewarded 6
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Firstly thanks for commenting. You have really understood what I was trying to get across in this poem and I appriciate you taking the time to tell me what you liked about it.
Secondly you name!!! Raistlin Majere is my all time golden idol!!! I was so jelous of Crysinia when I read the 'Legend' trilogy, what I would have given to be her! lol. I know that is competely off the point but but I thought it worth mentioning.
Thanks again for commenting.
X Amber X -
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Off topic is okay lol... I was jealous of her too, I adore Raistlin. Maybe that's why I grabbed her name, I'm not sure lol. But I've been using this sn for years
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I like the encouraging note to this poem, willing a friend to keep going despite the difficulties is really beautiful. I can agree with you that it needs some work, i think that you could move around the sentences around the phrase, "your throat force down the stinging bile" maybe have that the first phrase in that part of the poem, and then have the other, "your blistered feet" and "sunburned lips" after that. Its just a personal opinion, nothing crucial. As for the title, i like the idea of having "endurance" in there, but maybe something else with it, like, " your enduring walk" or "your enduring steps" or something like that, i don't know, just an idea. Otherwise, good ideas, i liked it!
. Rewarded 8
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Ok, thankyou so much for your help. I will certainly think about what you have said. Like I said, I needed some help with this piece but didnt really know how to improve it so your comment has really helped me out here. Thankyou as well for the title suggestions. When I have a little more time I will sit down and see if I can bash the kinks out of this poem a bit. By the sounds of things you have really understood what I was trying to get across in this poem and I am sure I can imporve it now thanks to your suggestions.
X Amber X
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loved it
i really liked this poem and i think that you're a great poet -
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Thanks hun. I am glad you enjoyed my work. I think some of my other stuff is better though, but I am happy that there are people who appriciate this one.
X Amber X
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Alright, just because you asked for an honest opinion and I love you enough to give you just that. Um, the title... I'm not quite sure how all of that would fit together, but I don't really have a suggestion to offer at the moment. It started off a little, what I would call choppy, but it evened out quite nicely at the end. I love your rhyme scheme and structure. I loved the overall theme of it. I'll admit that it's not one of your many pieces, but by no means does that mean it is not well written. I absolutely love your last two stanzas. I thought they were brilliant. Not a bad piece sweetheart. You're still as amazing as ever love. <3
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I appriciate your honesty my love and your right, it does start off a bit 'choppy' as you call it. When I have the time I may take a look and see if I can smooth it out a bit. I just hadnt posted anything new for a while and was taking a break from doing coursework so I thought I would write something new. I couldnt for the life of me think of a decent title so Im gonna see what people suggest. Thanks for your honesty and for letting me know what I have gotten right about this. Your oppinion mean so much to me.
X Amber X
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I cannot comment on your past work, yet to say this was a great poem ! Do not beat yourself up over something small...The storyline was great as well as the ryhem....as for titles, I have plenty of titles, it should come from the authors heart.I keep your chin up and your poem strong.
-hismercy
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Thankyou so much for taking the time to read this poem and to comment on it. Also thankyou for your vote of confidence for my work. I will keep thinking about the title.
X Amber X
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