Why cant we all see, smell, hear the things that we love. why does it always have to be about hate.1
Joey and sam had been dateing for 1 year. happy as could be. ntil sam changed. suddenly she would rush off somewhere, and make up an excuse for it. joey knew she had to was cheating, but his mind couldnt comprehend it. Eventually he broke up with her. He ignored all of her calls, emails and myspace messages. Every Single one. He didnt even open them. He just pressed delete. Sam took her life. Now why would SHE take her life? she was the one who was cheating right?2
Well, she wasnt. joey was an orphan. So sam thought she got a lead on where his mother was. She found his mother, and was planning to surprize him, hense all of the sneaking around. It was all a misconception. 3
When joey found out. He took his life, throught stone cold tears.
why would joey think that she was cheating an jump to conclusions?
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Hi Antaya, thanks for entering the New Member contest with this interesting narrative
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It definitely gives the reader a couple of fine lessons; first never jump quickly to a conclusion; second love and trust go together in a good relationship.
Your story would benefit from further expansion of the ideas. A plot that showed the activity of the two young people; before the crises, during the crises and ending with the boy’s death would allow your reader to empathize with your characters. Some dialogue would give your characters life.
Editing is required (it plagues us all
) Names need to be capitalized and only capital letters begin a sentence.
Welcome to SW and good luck in the contest.
Geri
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Sad
Interesting plot, just as Andy stated below very romeo and juliet. It was a heartbreaking write. Great job.
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Lot's of potential
This story has a lot of potential. It's kind of a Romeo and Juliette type of tale. I would like to see the introduction of a couple of friends of Joey and Sam so they could help carry the story and maybe have some dialogue between them. Also more description and detail could expand this into a more moving story.
You really should capitalize their names. I enjoyed this story, but I think you could turn it into a really powerful write.
Thanks for entering the new member contest
. Welcome to Storywrite.
Andy
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Sad, really sad.
I gotta say the whole cheating thing sucks ass, so I know what Joey must have felt like, but to have found out it wasn't true...well I wouldn't know, but I think it would suck. Good write, can't wait to see more of your work. -
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i just made a new poem in one minute
check it out if u wish i think you may enjoy it
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This was very good. Very well written and extremely emotional.
In regards to cheating:
One should never suspect someone of cheating, if it is suspected the best way to resolve the problem is to ask. Keeping our wits about us is important, and ultimately vital to a healthy relationship.
Taking your own life because someone cheated on you is a bit unorthodox, and extremely depressing. A person has to be very, very depressed to take his own life because of someone cheating on him.
In the end it was all dire, the two had spent whatever amount of time suspecting each other long enough to ruin their relationship. Finding ones mother, though sweet, is not something that should be done alone. Surprises are nice, but something that requires you to sneak around and deceive someone else, isn't really worth discovering... is it?
Overall: This story was very well written, the characters were enchanting and though the storyline was tragic, it made for a tear jerker story. I was impressed and yet, stunned as to why this story hasn't received more reads. : )
You have one typo- [ joey knew she had to was cheating, but his mind couldnt comprehend it. ] Joey/ should be capitalized and [ she had to was cheating] should be [ Joey knew she was cheating, but his mind couldn't comprehend it.]
Wonderful Story! Keep writing!!
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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has potential
It's always easy to assume someone is cheating. I've been accused of it myself when it was untrue. I think Joey should have confronted her about it at least. If this is true (which I hope it's not), then it's a really sad situation. I won't bog you down with the usual "you should fix this, you should fix that". I agree with previous comments. It'd be really interesting if you went back and turned this into an actual story, perhaps in two parts. One could be from his perspective, and the other from hers. I really like the title you have, though. It suits it. You have potential here, I hope you go somewhere with this.
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Me think's me should've conccentrated on the story more! -_-...
Sorry about the bad comment the other day! *laughs nervously*
no really, i really liked your story. It was really good. It was really simple and very realistic. I enjoyed reading it. I hope this comment was far better than the first one. Sorry. =D
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eh baby lmao do u have a msn or myspace or facebook? im not sure if i added u or not lmao *laughs nervously* we havent tlked in forever.
*cries aloud* wahh!!!! hahahaha umm i just wrote a newe poem in one minute hope u like it check it out. its called look at a picture of me
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lol
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idk
pretty good though... Teenage drama, w00t! -
Because Joey's a moron! everyone's a moron!! and the story is pretty interesting! and I like sam! she's nice! the girl did a stupid thing killing herself for a moron like that! :/ i wudve killed him instead! and why did Joey kill himself! god!! the frustration!!!! people are so stupid! :/
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With a house full of boys
To answer your question, young men are often disappointed in relationships with women. People don’t realize just how emotional these fellows can be, if Joey was deprived of his mother, trusting a girl might be difficult for him.
This is a very good plot but would benefit from some action and dialogue scenes and a longer length to carry the interesting idea you have here.
You do require some editing; I usually don’t point out mistakes in punctuation or spelling until I’m better acquainted with the writer. But I would suggest you proofread for both problems, which are the plague
of all writers.
Welcome to SW, you will find many new friends here I’m sure. If we can help in any way please let us know.
Geri
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Hmm......
I think this could really become something good, but you need to tweak this a bit first. You need to spellcheck and capitalise a few things, and it needs to have a lot more description added to it.
Hope it helps!
~Miranda -
Interesting question to ask. With unfaithfulness (not sure that's a word) running rampate in today society it's a prefectly logical assumation.
My suggestion on the story...run it through spell check, capitalize and it needs more description.
Nice start.
Welcome to SW.
Brooke
Co-head greeter
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