Ch. 1: The beginning...1
Sweat wafted into Jerry's face as he began to set-up for his interview with Lady Merianna. Although this was not his first interview, it was not an usual account of one's life. This was an interview with a real, living vampire. As he clumsily fumbled with his equipment, the inquisitor nervously prepared for what could be a race to death- or worse. Maybe the thought of a real vampire was too much for Jerry, or the time restraint was so small. He was only allowed three hours to get a whole life of two thousand years onto a tape that ran only two, very miniscule hours. So with this knowledge, and a sudden dread, Jerry had begun to plan an escape route.2
It was only then that the elven vampire entered the room. Jerry was awestruck. Not only did the black and red trimmed corset dress accent her figure, but it accented her eyes and her most valuable attribute: her fangs. Her fangs glistened in the room like polished ivory in sunlight and that was enough to make anyone grimace.3
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Lady Merianna leaned forward toward the journalist, while Jerry leaned back on instinct, "Don't worry, young one... You are extremely too young for my taste. See me when you're older if you wish to die."4
"Never..." Jerry shivered, "not in a million years."5
The vampiress laughed. "Bold move, for one so weak. I admire you quite a bit, but you're on a schedule. You wanted an interview, not a bedroom courtship..."6
"Yes, yes, of course," Jerry began the tape. "Why did you want to come out? Why did you let yourself be recreated?"7
"Must we start like this? It gets so boring."8
Jerry paused the tape. "How would you like to start then?"9
Merianna eyed him with great discontent. "You still are too young to understand, but I'm forced to do it."10
"Do what?!?" In a rushed panic, Jerry began to creep towards the bedroom door of Merianna's nineteenth century mansion, "what are you planning to do to me?"11
"Don't worry, you'll be okay if you only hold on." With that, Merianna opened a window while snatching Jerry into her arms, "You might hurt a bit after this, but that feeling is only mortal."
Author notes
Still a WIP (work in progress). I just need some more ideas to follow up on for her life or this chapter.
Also, I would like to improve my descriptions, flow and diction because it's supposed to be written past tense, third-person view: the hardest way for me to write.
A contest entry
- Room for Improvement by tallblondie.
450 points, ended June 4, 2008, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Spelling/grammer/punctuation;
[2] "Sweat wafted" - awkward phrasing - 'wafted' refers to air movement, is he smelling sweat or is it rolling down his face? Use a phrase that more accurately portrays what your are trying to say.
[3] "anyone grimace" try just referring to your character here - for atmosphere of how they make him feel 'make him grimace'
[5] "Jerry shivered[.] "Not in a million years."" Action followed by a speech statement. Use a full stop and not a comma
[6] "on a schedule" is the wrong phrase to use here. Rephrase.
[11] Another example of action followed by a speech statement.
"...century mansion[.] "[W]hat are you planning to do to me?""
Overall, an interesting start to something longer. I was struck, however, with deja vu at the start - it came across with striking similarity to "Interview with a Vampire". You could perhaps expand on why he felt he needed an escape route apart from the fact that two hours of interview time was not enough.
Add three dimensionality to the piece by describing his environment, as well as answering the questions who? (describe his characteristics), what?, why? (is this just an interview, what are his motivations), when? (what point in time is this set - this may give your piece uniqueness), and how (like how did he know who to contact, how is he feeling?
Map out what you want to accomplish in telling the story - is it going to be about the vampire, or will the reader discover more of his personality through his interactionjs with the Vampire. Give your character motivations and goals. If the vampire is the antagonist - how does her goals differ to that of your main character. What will make them clash? What makes them similar?
Good use of a cliffhanger at the end of the chapter though - it hooks your reader and encourages them to read more.
For the contest, please remember that I will be judging on overall improvements made and not just the story content. Even though I have closed the contest, judging will not take place until 14th April - giving everyone at least a week to make whatever changes/polishing their story needs.
Thank you for your entry and good luck!
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