Five Minute Moment


1

Rush, rush. Navy blue surrounded the ongoing precipitation. Rain slid down rooftops, chasing pipes to the underground. 2

"This strange monotony... it isn't worth thinking over. And here I am, thinking it over."3

He loved to count the number of the ants that worked upon the brick, where he chose to rest his feet. This alley was his. He owned it. Everything. A possession. The trash that fell off apartment 13's window, into his alleyway. That was his. The cat that came by to feed. She had little red spots, followed by gray and black. What did they call those? Calicos, right? Little Calico. My little calico..4

He never knew if it was a she. The cat never cared about those things. Why should he? She went about the day in her rusty coat, concerning herself with various bits of trash. Simple indifference. How nice. 5

During times like this, he remained silent, talking to the friends while ignoring passerby. Their names never mattered, but sometimes he wondered. 6

"This isn't right. You're doing it all wrong. Sit down."7

Fumbling through the bits, he found a half-decent slice of combination pizza in the trash bin. He gave some to the calico. It was nice to find things like this. Such a luxury. Such freedom. They never noticed this. Always preoccupied with their ongoing notions and vague ambitions. Senseless dealings with the inanimate. I pitied them. 8

It was this alleyway. This moment. This cat. And this half-decent piece of combination pizza. The rest lived on meaning and difference. Success and solid morality going hand in hand. The rest viewed the rapid chaos as intelligence. An ideal way of living. 9

The rest never cared about the rest. Why should he. 10

As he sat his feet upon the brick, a rare thought interrupted his conversation. 11

"Sarah.. I wonder if she remembered to pick her up.."12

Five minutes passed.
Standing up, he brushed the bits of crust off his suit. He picked up the cat, set her in the backseat. Drove home in his Cadillac. 13

The rain followed in brief gusts. He decided he would call Sarah.  14

 15

Author notes

The theme of my story involved the many layers we put onto our lives. It makes things so complicated; I can't help but burn out sometimes.

The man appears to be a homeless at first. That was my intention. But I was trying to write a little more indirectly. I like abstract... that's what I want to improve on.

However, I'm not really satisfied with this. Please tell me what you think.

Should I add more to it?

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Comments


  • Prim-Rose
    June 24

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    It was a bit too abstract, though I liked where you started it from. The ending was a bit surprising and it almost made him seem as if he might be a touch mental. Other than that it was pretty good. Nice job.


  • Sveva gold member
    June 18

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    I would love to leave a shining comment, but I'm afraid your story may have ended up far too abstract. The inconstancies of the man claiming the alley way as his and then driving home in a Cadillac seems rather far off. And I get that you wished to involve many thoughtful layers into this story, but they seem to be under a shroud.

    It would seem more likely if the now, richly suited man had been observing something in the alley - even from his car - which would allow him to reflect on the idiosyncrasies of life.

    You do have a very good writing ability you just need to keep writing and I'm sure you'll get there.


  • April 3

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    The boys never noticed this. Too busy handling taxes and financial aid. Stocks and gambles, obligations through vague ambitions. He decided long ago what was important.



    this paragraph to me was saying a little too much and not leaving enough to the imagination. it could be more abstract- cos the story is going in that direction really well. i got that he was homeless and i love how you never say 'the man was homeless living in empty boxes'. that would have totally killed the story. but the paragraph i pasted- i think this needs to be more consistant with the rest of the flow to the story. in my opinion, obviously. you can totally disagree.

    as far as thinking to add more- i'm not sure on this. i love open ended stories. but for this one i feel like it may be too open ended and it would be really nice to read more about this story.

    nice work!