Funeral services were Not held for Allie (Twitch) Cooley, because that is what she requested. Rather, a raucus party was held Monday, March 31, 2008, at the North Star Saloon, for Allie, 17, who died of mysteriously unknown causes(probably boredom) in front of her computer on her fathers farm a few miles north of Academy, South Dakota. 1
The Venerable Mike (Custer) Shea officiated by handing her father the first bottle of beer. Burial shall commence once the stupor initiated by the heavy drinking wears off, as none of those present seem to know a shovel from a lampshade, which is on most of the heads present.2
Music was provided by the Nobody You Wanna Know Band, who reunited with each other in order to play at this most especial party. The only of the band that knew Allie was Dan Cool, lead guitarist. 3
Casket bearers were not necessary as Allie was propped up against the Jukebox, per one of her favorite country hits, which is as follows "Prop me up against the jukebox when I die..." 4
Allie Rose Cooley, better known as Twitch, was born July 25, 1990, on a hotter than hell summer afternoon, to Dwayne (bleu) and Julieanne (Jewel) Cooley, in the backseat of their '84 Ford Bronco outside of the Platte Community Hospital. She was due to graduate Platte-Geddes High School this May, although many doubted that she would pass Senior English. She planned on going to Black Hills State University, although many doubted that, too. After graduating from college, although many doubted that would ever happen, she planned on marrying Scott Louis Walters. She had odd jobs in High School, but had much trouble staying at them, prefering higher pay at a shittier job. 5
Allie was a lifetime resident of the Platte area, which she reminded many people as being the 9th gate of Hell. She was a member of the Platte-Geddes FFA Chapter, never amounting to much either. She enjoyed reading, writing, bullshitting, messing around, ignoring people, annoying people, and getting into fights. Many people find it amazing that someone with so little coordination survived this long. Allie was known to fall down at every possible moment. 6
She wasn't much for working, nor was she very talented in anything except screwing up. She did love to read books, and to learn about history, which made her High School Loser numero uno. Her favorite moments were spent with her fiancee, who was not allowed to attend the drunken party, due to her parents hating him. 7
She is survived by her father: Dwayne (bleu) Cooley, the farm, SD, two brothers: Jedediah (brat) Cooley, in front of his Playstation 2, SD, and Jezeriah (Big Jezz) Cooley, Somewhere this side of the Mississippi, two sisters: Hannah (Bubbles) Cooley, Got her panties in a bunch, SD, Sadie (Slim Sadie) Whaley, on some random Military Base, several aunts, uncles, cousins, et cetera, spread throughout the Midwest. 8
She was preceded in death by: Her mother, Julieann (jewel) Cooley on August 22, 1999.9
Allie, we wish you a wonderful trip, and pray that hell isn't quite as hot as that sweltering summer day you were born on, nor quite as boring as you found this world.
Author notes
yeah, I actually grabbed our local newspaper to find the obituary section. Only one person croaked this week! amazing!
everything in here is pretty much true. I don't want a funeral if I die, I'd rather everyone get drunk and then bury me. everyone in this is real, and as for all the "places" where the people who "survived" me(literally, they had to put up with me for 17 years, they have survived!) were all puns on the people they are. I couldn't come up with anything for my dad, so I put him as the farm, because, yeah, he hates this stupid piece of dirt. my brother Jezeriah, yeah, i have no clue where he technically lives. Yeah. oh well.
Enjoy, this was fun to write!
A contest entry
- OBITUARY HAVEN by paperacid.
290 points, ended June 2, 2008, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
I went for the sarcastic/funny side...
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I tried reading it but I couldn't go on. It lacks finesses. You are rushing though the story too much. The jokes you tried to pull went over my head like a rocket. i would say sit back, relax and take word by word. It's not what you're writing that's important, it's how you write it. And please never try to write a comedy again. you'll be doing everyone a favor. Best of luck!
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1. its an obituary. Check out a paper, does it have finesse? its not a story, its an obituary.
2. You are the first person to read it that didn't find it hilarious. I've had people in stitches over it. people that hardly know me or my family.
3. this is my second comedy piece. both are hilarious
4. don't judge my story until you read it all the way through. thats like judging a book by only its cover and the summary on the back.
and, if I may be so bold, I point out to you the gold trophy. -
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I am trying.
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You need to respect each reader's opinion. Learn to accept it. If I disregarded the rules, why was I DQ'ed?
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learn english too while you are at it, bud. Disregarding the rules, gets you DQ'ed, aka DISQUALIFIED!!!
If you are going to write in english, learn the language completely and understand its grammatics.
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Gold trophy! yah right! And may I ask the credibility of the person that gave you the trophy. This is unreadable and it's not all funny. As simple as that.
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this is coming from someone who can't follow the simple rules of a contest. interesting. The credibility? prove your own credibility and then we will talk. You are the ONLY negative comment I've received on this piece. it is very readable. its mildly chaotic, which was the effect I was going for, for it was describing my life at the time. I'd like to see you write a funny obituary. I doubt its in your repetoire.
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gettin drunk after funerals is the best part!
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Haha! This is great, I love it! Seems like you were having one of those kinds of days.
Kudos on picking up the paper as well, hope it wasn't too painful of a read...(as it usually is now days)
Exellent! -
Some bits were unbelievably cheesy, and others were pretty funny. I wish I could site some examples but I can't really distinguish which was which. There used to be a kid at my old highschool named "Twitch", or had the misfortune of getting dubbed that anyway. I'm sort of curious about what kind of contest you're in, but it was an entertaining read. Anyway, I'm spacing out... it was relief to read something on here that deals with death in a light manner.
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