Allie (Twitch) Cooley

Funeral services were Not held for Allie (Twitch) Cooley, because that is what she requested. Rather, a raucus party was held Monday, March 31, 2008, at the North Star Saloon, for Allie, 17, who died of mysteriously unknown causes(probably boredom) in front of her computer on her fathers farm a few miles north of Academy, South Dakota. 1

The Venerable Mike (Custer) Shea officiated by handing her father the first bottle of beer. Burial shall commence once the stupor initiated by the heavy drinking wears off, as none of those present seem to know a shovel from a lampshade, which is on most of the heads present.2

Music was provided by the Nobody You Wanna Know Band, who reunited with each other in order to play at this most especial party. The only of the band that knew Allie was Dan Cool, lead guitarist. 3

Casket bearers were not necessary as Allie was propped up against the Jukebox, per one of her favorite country hits, which is as follows "Prop me up against the jukebox when I die..." 4

Allie Rose Cooley, better known as Twitch, was born July 25, 1990, on a hotter than hell summer afternoon, to Dwayne (bleu) and Julieanne (Jewel) Cooley, in the backseat of their '84 Ford Bronco outside of the Platte Community Hospital. She was due to graduate Platte-Geddes High School this May, although many doubted that she would pass Senior English. She planned on going to Black Hills State University, although many doubted that, too. After graduating from college, although many doubted that would ever happen, she planned on marrying Scott Louis Walters. She had odd jobs in High School, but had much trouble staying at them, prefering higher pay at a shittier job. 5

Allie was a lifetime resident of the Platte area, which she reminded many people as being the 9th gate of Hell. She was a member of the Platte-Geddes FFA Chapter, never amounting to much either. She enjoyed reading, writing, bullshitting, messing around, ignoring people, annoying people, and getting into fights. Many people find it amazing that someone with so little coordination survived this long. Allie was known to fall down at every possible moment. 6

She wasn't much for working, nor was she very talented in anything except screwing up. She did love to read books, and to learn about history, which made her High School Loser numero uno. Her favorite moments were spent with her fiancee, who was not allowed to attend the drunken party, due to her parents hating him. 7

She is survived by her father: Dwayne (bleu) Cooley, the farm, SD, two brothers: Jedediah (brat) Cooley, in front of his Playstation 2, SD, and Jezeriah (Big Jezz) Cooley, Somewhere this side of the Mississippi, two sisters: Hannah (Bubbles) Cooley, Got her panties in a bunch, SD, Sadie (Slim Sadie) Whaley, on some random Military Base, several aunts, uncles, cousins, et cetera, spread throughout the Midwest. 8

She was preceded in death by: Her mother, Julieann (jewel) Cooley on August 22, 1999.9

Allie, we wish you a wonderful trip, and pray that hell isn't quite as hot as that sweltering summer day you were born on, nor quite as boring as you found this world.