The "Great" SW Murder... Mystery?

Beep, beep, beep!1

Like jelly oozing through a sieve, the beeping made its way through my ears and to my brain. Then, with all the speed of a world class racing snail, my brain registered that beeping equalled wake up, and wake up meant open eyes; so I did so. 2

I stared blankly at the alarm clock for a moment, waiting for my brain to get up to speed, and work out what the time was. It was six o-clock it seemed; someone had forgotten to change it to a more respectable time for the weekend. 3

Groaning I pulled my arm from under the pillow, clutching the Desert Eagle I kept under there. 4

Blam! 5

Beep beeeeeweweeeeweeee-6

Blam! 7

-eweee... 8

Oh the beautiful silence. I shut my eyes and tried to go back to sleep; but to no avail.9

Sighing, I flung the covers of my bed, and swung my legs over the side. I sat there a moment, contemplating the meaning of life. I soon came to the conclusion that Douglas Adams was right, 42. So I got up and staggered to the shower to have me a 42 minute long, steaming hot shower. 10

Three minutes later I was standing in front of the mirror in a towel. 11

'Bloody water pump,' I grumbled as I not so carefully shaved. 'Why did it have to break this morning?' 12

Shaving done, I decided breakfast was called for. 13

'Breakfast!' 14

Nothing happened. 15

'Bugger this.' I wandered into the kitchen and pulled the Fruit Loops out of the cupboard. And then proceeded to empty the box as I made my way through the jungle that was called my house. 16

After a journey which put travelling the Amazon to shame; I reached my computer. 17

My hand reached out and pushed the On button. 18

There was an ominous whirr and my computer sprang to life. 19

Soon the semi-dark room was lit by the bright blue of the Macintosh log in screen. Clicking my user account,20

'Enter your text please,' said the mechanical voice of my computer. I was going to have to work out how to turn that off. 21

I typed in the password. And sat swinging my chair round, while eating the Fruit Loops. 22

Eventually my computer finished loading and I opened Firefox to get into Storywrite. 23

That was when things got weird. 24

There was a bright flash, the ground shuddered; my fingerers felt all tingly, and the fruit loop I was holding erupted into flames. 25

'Argh! What the hell...?' 26

Suddenly! It was still going, then slowly petered to nothing. 27

'Whoa...' I was still sitting at my computer, but I was no longer in my house. 28

Staring around me I, at first, thought I was in the Matrix. Green text waterfalling over everything helped with that idea. But soon, I realised I must be inside Storywrite its self! My deduction was confirmed by the fact that all the green text said was: "Storywrite" 29

'Dude, this is hardcore...' I muttered to myself. My brain occupied with trying to work out what was going on, my body decided that it was going to keep eating, and leave it too it. 30

I stuck my hand into the box of Fruit Loops, and sat, with my back to the computer, eating them; whilst staring in wide eyed awe at the site around me. 31

What happened next caused my blood to run cold - but that could be 'cause I only had a towel on, and it was cold in here - without a sound, the text turned from green, to a vivid blood red. 32

'Good Cheese Covered Tasty Chips!' I exclaimed between mouthfuls of Fruit Loops. 33

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a movement; my head snapped round to look where it was. My hand still on automatic released the Fruit Loops where my mouth had been, they tumbled down my bare chest and onto my towel. 34

The movement I'd seen, was caused from, what appeared to be, a trapdoor. Which was, as far as I could make out, suspended in the air. 35

Out of said trapdoor, a figure fell. I could not believe my eyes! It was Guitarshank! 36

Staring dumbfounded at the figure that was Guitarshank, whom it appeared had dyed his hair bright green. My mouth hanging open, and my hand trying to feed my ear Fruit Loops; I sat there. 37

To my even bigger surprise, which rendered me to a state of stupor, Kylia Skydancer fell from the trapdoor (she also had dyed her hair bright green), landing lightly on her feet she turned and started walking after Guitarshank, who was making his way, with the set faced dedication of a lemming walking off a cliff, just 'cause it was the way he'd always gone, toward a rather large drop. 38

Lemming... 39

'Ah-hah! There you are!' a voice boomed in my ear. 40

'Wah!' The box of Fruit Loops flew into the air, spraying its contents everywhere. 41

'Oh, sorry. Did I startle you?' 42

'Yes! You did! I wet my towe-' I screamed, but faded into silence as I realised who was standing before me. It was Kevin! The mighty Kevin himself had deemed me fit to talk too! 43

I sat there, my eyes glowing. 44

'Umm... look, I hate to disturb you, but I really need your help...' said Kevin, his face masked in a concerned frown. 45

'Me? Help you?' I squeaked. 46

'Umm... yeah... look I got this message this morning; said that all the Mods would die; only SW's best comedy writer could save them. And, well, CrazyScott has quite a high opinion of your comedy writing skills, so I figured try you.' 47

I tried, I really did, but nothing could stop the feeling of pride welling in me. 'Aww shucks, I'm not that good,' I muttered only semi-bashfully.48

'Yeah, right. Well, won't dispute the fact; there's no time,' said Kevin, a note of urgency sounding in his voice. 49

Noting the direction of his gaze, I stared at the trapdoor. Four more figures had dropped from it: Cyberartist, Barbara, Yoshi97 and Azaradelle; their hair was also bright green. 50

'What is going on?' I asked. 51

'I don't know. But I think they're going to die if we don't do something! And as you're the best comedy writer, I think that's your job!' 52

'Oh, well... this is interesting.' I stared at the Mods as they wandered their merry way along what looked like a narrow shelf, toward, what look like, a really long drop. A solitary word pottered through my mind: Lemmings. 53

Lemmings... 54

'Lemmings!' I shouted. 'That's it! They're like lemmings!' I waved my arms around to emphasise the point. 'Tell me, did that message you got this morning contain a link, perchance?' 55

After Kevin's mind caught up with what I was saying, and a horrified look plastered its self on his face, he replied, 'Yes, now that you mention it, there was. I didn't follow it though...' 56

'Well come on man! Get into it. Or you will be short quite a few Mods.' 57

I looked back toward the giant game of Lemmings; two more lemm– Mods... had fallen from the trapdoor: Crazy Scott and AnnD. 58

'It's a game of Lemmings Online...' 59

I turned at the sound of Kevin's voice. A smile lit my face. 'Just as I thought, see–' I pointed to the screen, than at the mods– 'They've been made into a game of Lemmings.' I paused and thought. 'But how, I wonder?' 60

I stared at Kevin thoughtfully. 61

His face turned a nice shade a pink. 'Err... do you think it might have anything to do with the microchips I had installed into their heads when they signed up to be Mods? So I could keep track of them.'62

'Wha-? That is sick... I am so not becoming a Mod now!' 63

'But can you save them!' wailed the embarrassed Kevin. 64

'Hmm...' I hmmed thoughtfully. 'I never was very good at Lemmings, always had a high loss to win ratio... oh well!' I finished cheerfully, as I swung my chair round, and got stuck into the game. 65

The last two Mods had joined the game: Electric Sunrise and Symitar. 66

Guitarshank had just almost reached the drop. I clicked on the stair building button and then clicked on the lemming that I figured probably represented Guitarshank. I turned and looked at the life size game of Lemmings going on behind me. 67

'Ah-hah! It worked!' I exclaimed joyfully. Guitarshank had pulled a pack of steps out of nowhere, and was now building steps! 68

Suddenly, like a bolt of lightening hitting me, well, not really, I was hit by a thought: Unless I stopped the other lemm– Mods, they'd all drop off the stairs! Spinning back to the computer, I selected the stop-lemming-from-walking-button-which-I-have-no-idea-what-its-offical-name-is, and hit Kylia Skydancer. She instantly stopped dead in her tracks, and stood there, shaking her hair and tapping her foot, not letting any of the other Mods past. 69

'Ah... You do realise that you have to blow her up later, in order to get the rest of the Mods past?' ventured Kevin. 70

'Hmm... true that. Oh well, what's the loss of one Mod for the life of all the others?' I asked cheerfully. 71

'To much?' suggested Kevin dryly. 72

Unless I was very much mistaken, he sounded a bit annoyed at my nonchalance. I couldn't for the life of me work out why though. 73

Cyberartist was the next to reach Kylia. He bumped into, her turned, and wandered back the way he'd come. 74

That lot safe for now, I turned my attention back to Guitarshank, who was making funny clanking noise which signified he was almost out of steps. But that was okay, 'cause he was now over the next ledge. So I let him run out, and walk off the last step, and onto the ledge, about a metre below. 75

Next obstacle came in the form of a dead end. 76

'Hmm, now what?' I mused. 77

'I'm no expert at the game, but digging might be a useful option,' suggested Kevin snidely. I really don't think he liked me sacrificing one of his Mods. But it was for the greater good. 78

'Well, if you wanna save them, then be my guest! I'm doing my best... hey, I made a rhyme.' I smiled happily too myself, what a day, first a cold shower, and now I get to save the Mods of SW. 79

I was just about to set Guitarshank to dig, when I noticed something. The door was the level below, I'd have to get him to dig down. I did so, and so he dug. 80

'Say, would you happen to have any snacks around here?' I asked. 'I ran out of Fruit Loops,' I explained when Kevin gave me a puzzled stare. 81

'How can you think of eating at a time like this?' he exclaimed, exasperated. 82

'A time like what...?' I asked, puzzled. 83

'A time like: My Mods are going to die if you don't save them!' screamed Kevin, now somewhat red in the head. There was also a funny little V standing out on his bald spot. Strange, I'd never noticed it before, must only appear when he gets stressed. 84

'Ok, Ok. Calm yourself. I will save them!' I finished triumphantly. 85

'Weee!' 86

We both turned to see Guitarshank falling out the bottom of his hole, and land, safely, on the ledge below; then start walking toward the exit. 87

'See?' I said, turning to Kevin. 'Now wasn't that easy, now we just have to... err... blow Kylia up, and everything will be fine.'88

'Iiieeee!' 89

We both spun too see Guitarshank disappear in a shower of red. 90

'Ah... crap?' 91

'What the hell just happened?' screamed Kevin, his V standing out like a... V on his head...92

'Ahh... if I had to guess, I'd say a trap or something that ate him?' I scratched my head thoughtfully. 'Oh well, not to worry, we'll just get the next one to build some stairs over it. 93

'But now I'm going too have lost two Mods!' screamed the irate Kevin. Geez, that man just refused to be calm. 94

Turning back to the computer, I waited till Electric Sunrise had almost reached Kylia, then I set Kylia to explode. 95

Numbers started flashing above the doomed Kylia's shaking green head. 96

5...97

4...98

3...99

Electric reached Kylia, turned, and started walking back the way she came.100

2...101

Now there was only Symitar left in the line, the others wouldn't be back till they completed there circuit. 102

1...103

Kylia put her hands together shook a little, then - Pop! There was a small shower of red. 104

The only thing left too show Kylia had ever been there was a small ditch in the ground. 105

Kevin put his heads in his hands, and started sobbing. The old softy. 106

Symitar walked past the place where Kylia had been, as if nothing had ever happened. 107

She reached the stairs, and mounted them. When she got to the top, she dropped off, and kept walking. 108

'Hmm, you know what? I reckon there's a chance that she might go splat on that drop,' I commented thoughtfully. 109

'What!? Then do something about it!' said Kevin, near panic. I noticed his finger nails looked very... short. 110

'Now, now, no need to panic, I got everything under control,' I said as soothingly as I could. 111

'You've already killed two of them!' screamed Kevin. 112

'Hey, now you look here!' I snapped, turning to face him. 'At least I'm trying, you're just standing there screaming at me. So I'd show a little bit of appreciation if I was you.' 113

'Ok, Ok... I'm sorry, you're right. But could you please get on with it.' 114

'That's better,' I said, turning back to the computer, just in time to see Symitar step into the hole Guitarshank had dug. 115

'Ah crap...' 116

Thank goodness I'd selected the umbrella before Kevin had interrupted me... I quickly clicked on Symitar, and out popped a little blue and white stripped umbrella from her back pocket. She then floated slowly, but safely, to the level below. 117

Once on the ground, the umbrella disappeared into her back pocket, and she wandered in a mindless lemming sort of way toward the exit, and certain death... 118

'Ahh...' 119

'Oh don't worry, I'll get her to build some stairs over it; it'll be fine,' I reassured Kevin. 120

I did just that. 121

'There you see, all good, the other Mods are on there way, stairs over the trap done, all good.' I smiled cheerfully at Kevin. 122

For the first time since this started, Kevin began to relax. 'Oh thank goodness!' 123

However, things were not all fine... 124

'Congratulations, you've managed to find my little puzzle.' 125

Kevin and I spun to face the source of the voice, it was a holographic projector next too the computer, on which a face was visible. 126

'Crazy Scott!' exclaimed Kevin and I in one breath. 127

'Yes, it's me Crazy Scott... though in actual fact, it's just a recording of me, I'm in this little game of Lemmings I arranged for you.' 128

'But Why...? What are you doing Scott?' asked Kevin, scowling at the image of Scott. 129

'Hey, the games paused,' I commented too no one in particular. 130

'By now, you'll be wondering why I'm doing this. Well, I'll tell you: Over the years, Storywrite's quality of writing has slowly slid down the drain. Now all you can ever find on there, is emo, death, depression, soppy love stories, but never comedy!' 131

'I'll say...' I muttered. 132

'And I'm sick of it! SW needs a good kick up the rear, get it back in gear. But that's not happening with these Mods, they all write soppy and trashy stories, we need some real writers in here, writers like DoozerDan, an amazing comedy writer, you can all take a lesson from him!' 133

'Hey, I like the sound of that,' I said, grinning. 134

'Well, I've tried my best too see this happen, but no one will listen, so now it is time to take maters into my own hands.'135

'But I just saved all the Mods. Well, not all...' said I, puzzled by just what he meant. 136

'On the off chance that someone actually solved my little puzzle, I set everyone in this game to self destruct. And that includes you Kevin! You're the worst of them all, because you stood by and let this happen!' 137

'But it's not my fault that is what people want to write!' wailed Kevin. 138

'Hey, but what about me? Do I go boom? I write comedy, I don't want to die!' I wailed with Kevin. 139

'Well, everyone except DoozerDan goes boom, as he's not actually part of the game, and is an awesomely awesome writer. So I would suggest, Kevin, that you hand over the control of SW to him, as he is the only one who is fit to take over the running of it! And now, I bid you all fair well, we go boom now.' 140

With that the projection of Crazy Scott disappeared. 141

'Well, that was strange, what do you make of it Kevin?' I asked, feeling somewhat bemused by the whole ordeal. 142

'I'm going to die...' muttered Kevin, a look of pure terror plastered over his face.143

'Oh don't worry, it can't be as bad as that. I mean, how can Scott really blow you all up? This is just some kind of abstract dream I'm having. 144

Kevin's look of pure terror faded into one of anger. 'What? You think this is a dream? You mean you wasted the lives of my lemm– Mods 'cause you thought it was a dream?' he screamed, now thoroughly enraged. 145

'Well, yeah, course I thought it was a dream, it's not like something like this could really be real... is it?' I said, doubt starting to creep into my mind. 146

'Argh! I'm surrounded by morons!'147

'Say, why do you have a little timer above your head?' I asked, forgetting all about the fact that this wasn't a dream. 148

'Wha-?' said Kevin, his temper stalling at the sudden question. 149

'You have a timer above your head, so do all the other Mods, for that matter; you have six seconds left it seems.' 150

'Crap!' 151

'Yea, I'll say, must be a bummer, about to blow up and all...' I said sympathetically. 152

'Shut up!' snapped Kevin. 'Now listen to me–' he shoved a hand in his pocket, and pulled something out– 'Here is a flash drive, on it is all the passwords, codes, and everything needed to run SW. You must take it, and get together some more Mods, and carry on the work. We can't let the writers down! Also, it contains Barbara's special Drummer Emote, you must guard that with your life, it is very much coveted by certain members of SW, and if they were to get their hands on it, I fear that the Chatter Box will be filled with Drummer Emotes, profiles will have nothing but Drummer Emote's all over them. You can't let that happen!' 153

'Ok,' I said, taking the flash drive. 'Barbara's Drummer Emote, wow, what an honour, I'll guard it with... a pencil. 154

'Good, good. Now, how much time do we have left?' 155

'Ahh... None?' 156

Kevin eyes widened.157

Pop! 158

I sat a moment in silence.159

All the Mods had gone, Kevin was gone, everyone was gone but me... and a few ditches that weren't there before. 160

I put my head in my hands, oh what a morning. 161

After a moment, I lifted my head up again. 162

'Wha-? Crap...' 163

I spun around. Yup, I was back in my own house. 164

Must have been a dream, I thought. 165

But wait! 166

I looked at my hand; after a few more mental commands, my fist opened, and there I saw it, lying in the middle of my palm, as happy as can be, a little 512MB flash drive; the very one Kevin had given me. 167

'Well I'll be damned, it wasn't a dream.' 168

I stood slowly, suddenly feeling very weary. 169

'Oh well, no point crying over split milk,' I muttered to myself. 170

It was still a good weekend, and I was going to get some movies to watch. 171

Five minutes later found me wandering down the street, now with clothes on, still staring at the flash drive in my hand. 172

'Ah-hah!' 173

Oh no, not again... 174

I pivoted on my heel, too see, to late, Star, aka, Dreams Of Insanity hurtling towards me. 175

Thud!176

She slammed into me and sent me flying. 177

My head smacked into the ground first, and I bounced along a bit. 178

Before I could move, Star was on top of me. 179

'Hey Dan! Got my crackers?' she asked, in her usual bouncy way. 180

'Erg...' I erged, wondering vaguely why there were two Stars. 181

'Oooo, what's this?' said Star, sighting the flash drive I was still clutching. 182

She pulled it from my unresisting hand. 'Oh my goodness! Is this what I think it is? This is Kevin's flash drive, with everything for SW on it, including... Oh my! Barbara's Drummer Emote!' Star's eyes lit up at the thought. 183

Standing up, she continued to star at the flash drive. 'This is unbelievable, Barbara's Drummer Emote, and now it's mine! Muwahahahaha!' She wandered off, cackling to herself, and completely forgetting about me. 184

Staring up at the sky, I contemplated my future, and also if there was any chance of me being able to get up again. 185

I tried, and failed, promptly blacking out. 186