Pale Rider 2 1
In Deaths grasp I was forever lost. 2
I watched as the lights on the streets flickered out; His mask like cape surrounding my stubborn, helpless body. 3
Black, murky; he hid me in a shadow of darkness until I could do nothing but wait, and breath, and hope that his plans were nothing too sinister. 4
I wondered desperately what it felt like to be him. To feel some hope of human compassion, some freeing feeling that he would not hurt me, that I would be safe.5
Though I had not seen his face fully,I had seen enough, enough to make me scream in a wretched fear of loss, or unforgiving hope. I dared not to open my eyes once I had closed them tightly, with not even a blink, or a batter of my eyelashes. Too frightened of what was to come.6
I felt frozen, tense; stuck in time. My bodily fluid beginning felt like a drip, leaving me limpid, lifeless and partially drained from the inside out. It left me feeling as light as a feather and yet, my blood seemed to run thick through my veins. Pulsating through them, tearing and burning my flesh from the inside. Ripping shreds through my tainted marks.7
I wasn't as all dead as I thought I was. More to the fact I was more alive then ever before. Though I knew for sure he had taken something from me. There had been something about his lips, the way they had trapped mine, locking me in a delusional fashion. It was almost as if I didn't even feel him take anything from me. As if I was numb , sheltered, consumed...yet utterly useless to move. 8
Then suddenly I could feel it in the midst of my Arteries and Organs. Through my pulsating veins, and through the nerves that seems to flash and slash throughout my entire body like electrical sparks , making me spasm into a fit of hallucinations. All of them blood splattered memories of his previous killings.9
He had taken my heart. 10
Though as my mind sorted the images he was feeding me like a index file in a library; None of his victims had, had their heart ripped out. None of them had lost their heart without firstly ripping through the flesh they called their chest. 11
Mine was still in tact, Bringing my own hand to it, I could not find a heart beat. There was nothing, not even a ticker, just blood, and I could taste it; Bitter it was.12
I felt the wind flutter, grasping for forgiveness, it howled bitterly as The Grim Reaper carried me in the air, high above the earth. Levitating us as our bodies collided. It was almost sensual, like a dance. As he twirled and kept his cloak wrapped tightly around me, in an almost suffocating fashion; I could breath.. 13
He could hear me, his moans of terror, my nightmare. It seemed almost beautiful, like a haunting melody, piercing my ears ever so lightly, vibrations drifting through ever core, hollow hole in my body 14
Soaring through I heard almost silent screams of the terror his victims had encountered, like their souls were crying; seeking to be free. He was a malicious source of pain and suffering; I bled to know the truth of his actions.15
As we drifted, landing on once again, roughly on solid ground. Immediately I felt my body shaking furiously. Fitting, like an epileptic, yet his figurer was keeping me warm.16
It was a love much like winter. When I had always thought he would be burning up in an abyss, surrounded by the flickering desire of naked virgins, and the tortures flames that would lap at their skin; a place to dwell in the underground after life of Hades himself. 17
Was this myth? Or was he another kinds of death.18
I opened my eyes, to see that we were in an ice caped cave, typically below the surface of the earth. I could see mounds of dirt and tufts of sinewy roots, scaling the area, much like that of a vine. All tangled together with the frost, ice caped ceiling, where daggers of particles hung dripping. Soaking my face,as they melted away in the heat of his presence.19
I looked around me, using my humanly based instincts of left and right, in front of me and behind me, but there seemed to be no entrance; neither an exit, and it began to raise the question in my mind how he got us both under here in the first place.20
He opened his swarthy cape, releasing the conditional gloom, letting the small feather like partials fall and land on my skin.21
Had he wings underneath his merciless masquerade of lightness?22
Slowly with great intricacy he turned towards me, his eyes flashing a horrible crimson glow, picking the feather like particles of my clothing, with great diligence and intricacy. Paying extra special attention to the ones dangling like petals a weltering rose upon my firmly shaped breast.23
Then without a word of warning, his gentleness deteriorated, into the sullen, sickly death that he was. Booming, an echoed laugh, he lowered his ghastly bone like fingers around them, squeezing them tightly. One by one his fingers working like clock work, in a rhythmic fashion of indulgence, stimulation, and immense pain.24
I watched as he sliced through my blouse, popping each button with his sharpened, razor blade fingernails, slicing through my snow, white skin. The flesh, my flesh; The material ripping tearing away and yet I could not feel a god damn thing for it. I could see but not feel, hear but not touch, and that was what frightened me to the utter core of my heartless soul.25
His fingers glided across my bloody wounded flesh, as the material from my blouse fell in tatters, almost like dust drifting through the air, it meant nothing. I had felt my blood pour onto every inch of my blouse, it still didn't matter. That was my mothers blouse. She had long on passed away and that was a generational blouse. 26
Why Did I not feel remorse? Why could I not scream?
Author notes
DO YOU DARE...
Lola not much to dare...
But I worked of this for a few hours...I stopped at 300 words then came back and reworked it a few times. I really love this..I really do and there was more.. I just deleted it my accident...almost cried and realised that's just life and it was meant to stop here obviously.
UNEDITED
http://storywrite.com/story/148510 {link to one}
Blair
In a list
A contest entry
- Make me Feel by SympatheticMisery.
167 points, ended May 18, 2008, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
honest opinions
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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For some odd reason that I can not yet explain, I find this style of writing quite captivating. You describe everything so well, it leaves me breathless. It's like, you can feel everything that she should be feeling but doesn't. You can just picture her fear and her excitement all at once. Her wonder is understandable. No human being would be able to do such a thing but to be able to see such power, evil and pain in one thing would leave anybody terrified for their life. I really want to know what happens next, but I suppose I will just have to sit here and hope that you continue writing this. I think you have something wonderful started here hun. I really think you should just lay back and see where it takes you. I know you're interested in it, else it wouldn't have ben so grat. Keep it going babe. You'll have my support! <3
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Luvyas
Are you sure everyone commented ??? -
This one was good. I loved your discriptions of the place, and how she felt as the Reaper slived her chest open. Beautifully gorry :3
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wow you write so pretty, this was a great read, I like line 13, line 17 well i like the whole thing but I really liked those lines. Your descriptive writing is a treat for my eyes, and a great escape for my mind. I once lost a whole story so I feel for you.
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Beautifully morbid
In one word...exhilarating.
Minor proofreading errors:
" like a index file i" needs an "an".
"Though as my mind sorted the images he was feeding me like a index file in a library; None of his victims had, had their heart ripped out."
Sentence fragment. The semi-colon signifies the end of a complete clause. The "as" removed might fix this error.
"He could hear me, his moans of terror, my nightmare." Shouldn't it be "my moans", as it is the protagonist who is scared.
Beautiful phrase "his merciless masquerade of lightness"
"... attention to the ones dangling like petals a weltering rose..." Maybe "petals from a weltering"?
" The material ripping tearing away " needs commas to stem and control the flow.
In the last line, "Did" needs a lower-case "d".
Your wording simply blows me away. Perfect and rich vocabulary depicts the setting and emotions of both protagonist and antagonist splendidly. The illusions and attention to detail, like mourning victims, is just...*tries to think of a word* "stunning", is the only thing that my stunned mind can come up with right now.
HT
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A few grammar mistakes, but an otherwise gripping read. Where you left us didn't seem like an ending though. It seemed like perhaps the development, or maybe the climax, but you never really concluded anything... but that's my opinion.
You described everything very well and brought the reader into the situation. Very nice ^^
Eph -
Yiu have done it again my little vampire qeeun sirprise me with your very creative talant
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loved i
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for you to be able to use such detail and have such a skill to pull other writers in i am suprised i do not see a book by you on this library's shelf
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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WOW!! Yet again, (And as always) SPEECHLESS!!
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Good use of alliteration in [5]
The cadance of this paragraph [6] struck me, in particular the first half;
"Though I had not seen his face fully,I had seen enough, enough to make me scream in a wretched fear of loss, or unforgiving hope. I dared not to open my eyes once I had closed them tightly, with not even a blink, or a batter of my eyelashes. Too frightened of what was to come."
The second half, however, did not have the impact or rythmn of the first. Read, and feel the flow in this instead;
"Though I had not seen his face fully, I had seen enough, enough to make me scream in a wretched fear of loss, or unforgiving hope. I dared not open my eyes once I had them tightly closed; not even a blink, nor batter of my eyelashes. I remained too frightened of what was to come."
This is more of a stylistic suggestion, but I feel that it improves this paragraph, so that it packs a punch - the sort of thing that leaves a reader dazed.
Apart from that, there are places in this piece where your grammer/spelling/punctuation and word choice let you down. The following is a list; (I realise you mentioned that it is unedited, so these are your 'edits')
[3] 'mask-like' misuse of 'surrounding', try 'enveloping' instead.
[4] 'breathe' not 'breath'
[7] "My bodily fluid beginning felt like a drip,.." awkward, rephrase. 'from the inside out' is an idiom, try replacing with something unique to your piece and your style. You are quite talented; do not allow yourself to fall back on common phrases.
'seemed to' is a common word crutch, try leaving it out - 'my blood ran thick and sluggishly' - the last added as a affirmation of the fact that she is bleeding heavily.
[8] 'at all as dead' not 'as all as dead'.
[9] 'arteries' and 'organs' should not be capitalized. This sentence too long and somewhat awkward; "Through my pulsating veins, and through the nerves that seems to flash and slash throughout my entire body like electrical sparks , making me spasm into a fit of hallucinations." consider revising and re-writing.
[12]'bitter' not 'Bitter' Break this up; "There was nothing, not even a ticker, just blood[, and] I could taste it; Bitter it was." replace the contents of [] with a full stop - it has more impact.
[14] 'my moans' not 'his moans' Again, you are relying on 'seemed'. You have the talent to develop past relying on words such as 'like', 'seems', 'as if' to draw comparisons and similarities. You will find that it is possible to do so wihtout using these words.
Another word you use too much is 'almost' - try instead to expand your vocabulary to finds words that do mean what you are trying to put across, and not just 'almost' or 'a little'.
[16] Rephrase; "As we drifted, landing on once again, roughly on solid ground." 'figure' (no extra 'r')
[18] Needs a question mark at the end.
[19] 'capped' not 'caped' or if you meant 'caped', then use 'draped' instead.
Misuse of 'particles' try 'icicles' instead.
[20] "using my humanly based instincts of left and right, in front of me and behind me" rephrase using an economy of words - 'perception of depth' could be one phrase you could try.
[21-23] 'feather-like', 'particles' not 'partials'
Misuse of 'intricacy', perhaps you meant 'precision'
'of a wilting rose' not 'a weltering rose'
[24] no comma after deteriorated. 'An echoed laugh boomed,', not 'Booming, an echoed laugh,' 'bone-like'.
Again don't use idioms 'like clockwork' should be replaced with something unique or even removed entirely.
[25] No comma after 'snow' just 'snow-white'. 'could not do a god damned..' 'feel' is not the right word to use here.
[26] 'a generational blouse' why use such an academic decription?
Overall, an emotive piece. Good flow, except in parts where your grammer/punctuation let you down. Good grasp of descriptive language and imagery, though you have not consistently maintained the same level throughout the piece.
It is truly disappointing when stuff gets deleted, so I congratulate you for perservering.
Well done and keep writing!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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vivid imagination....
...with startling and unusual descriptions. Feels like you are trying to harness your obvious talent and direct it, focus it to a central point. Interesting.
There is a humorous television show, now cancelled, called, "Dead Like Me" about grim reapers, but with a tremendous sense of humor and irony...dark but funny, that perhaps you might enjoy should you notice a rerun somewhere.
Keep writing and exploring...well done!
Amicus...
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I think you need to re read over it, there are a few mistakes that can easily be picked up once you read it again.
Other then that it was very very good. I enjoyed it and it was dark and disturbing but also very interesting.
Keep it up
<3
Angel
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I have to say that your story is intense and had me stuck to it. At first, I thought your character had gotten bitten by a vampire and felt the turning from life to undead. Then it was about the grim reaper and I thought he was just going to take you away. I didn't expect such a descriptive ending. Nice work and well written.
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ooohhhh... moremore!
good work. this story is a hook.
you rock Blair! well done!
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Twisted is good, and this one definitely had it's moments... Some punctuation might have helped, but other than that, it was really good! Well done
Laura xxx
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God Blair you are so dark and twisted ina good way . I just love this and you my dark little vampire queen.
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You really had me until about halfway through when you began to describe the cave. Then I came down here to tell you that, then I went back up and read the rest... I'm glad I did. It was well worth the read. I don't even usually like stories like this, but it was just so vivid and interesting. The best stories I had ever written got deleted by accident too, and it killed me. Now all I have are the crappy ones posted on this site. So I know how you felt, lol. What you have is just fine though, anymore and it probably would've been too long.
I think you should find a dark contest to enter this in.
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what to say.....
Sometimes I have to read other peoples stories, just so I can come back and continue to be amazed and see that imagination work in your mind.
I had to shake my head yes in agrement, when you shared about accidently eraseing your story...for your not alone, like everyone else-its beyond fustrating when your typing and sharing your heart when the pc freezes or makes some funky noises and a chunk of what was written dissapears !
great story Prodigious !
-Hismercy
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Nicely done
Given that it was unedited; It was nearly flawless. A few typos I am sure since I could not get the full meaning of a couple sentences. Your sentence structure is much improved [from prior works] and filled with good imagery [not overdone] and suspense. One of your best written pieces.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Wow! That is written just beautifully in a twisted sorta dark manner. I love it! The emotions that come across in this piece are filled with such intense depth and leave me wanting to read more.
Awww sorry about what happened. I have did that before myself. Sucks when it happens. I think you have an amazing ending here though and this is so well written! Amazing work Blair!
~Joann
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I love the imagery. the wording of each sentence. It was really... solemn and very well written.
I love the whole idea of it... the whole concept and how you described the grim reaper. it was great.
Good job =] -
Mmm, the imagery in this was awesome. I could feel myself being pulled into the storyline. I was wrapped from the first paragraph. You had me well enthralled.
"I felt the wind flutter, grasping for forgiveness, it howled bitterly as The Grim Reaper carried me in the air, high above the earth. Levitating us as our bodies collided. It was almost sensual, like a dance. As he twirled and kept his cloak wrapped tightly around me, in an almost suffocating fashion; I could breath.." Mmm, great paragraph. Described things in an awesome manner.
Well done ^_^
Mal.
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wow....I really liked this Blair! Really good! The details you but into it were just absolutely stunning! I love it! Can't wait to read more of it! Woot woot!
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Gorgeous!!!
Oh, wow! I've been waiting FOREVER to read something exactly like this! This is the kind of writing I so intensly crave! Oh, god! The imagery was breath-taking, and the words! The words had me holding my breath! I especially loved the end! THAT, that's the writing thaty sates my rising hunger! Excellent job!
-Lissy
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