Here Lies the Lies of Lissa

(Associated Press of Virginia)1

Melissa Kellum (somewhere around the age of old enough too know better but too young to care), also known as "AllOuta, Lis, Bubbles, Teftlonika, and PiC", was tragically killed when she proved that the human anatomy does not play well with gravity fueled impacts onto concrete when she performed a nearly graceful, and what is presumed to be completely accidental, swan dive off the roof of her extended stay hotel while in a vain attempt to get better reception on her television so she could enjoy the Sci-Fi marathon of "Quantum Leap." 2

Ms. Kellum is survived by her emotionally starved mother, Carmen, and her sixth step-father, Ed, both of whom were too drunk to identify the body. She also had one sister, Julia, and a nephew, Julius, who were unable to be reached as they are buried under five feet in snow in Wisconsin. The police had to rely on Ms. Kellum's oldest friend, one Leigh S., who was overheard complaining how her weekend plans of knitting and smoking were ruined by Ms. Kellum's demise. Her ex husband, Christopher, was unreachable at the time of the release of this column though his roommate, Bryan, could be heard laughing when he heard the news. 3

Ms. Kellum was an alum of Granby High School of Norfolk, Va where she was known as 'that loud, frizzy haired girl', as stated by one Chris S. He also stated that Ms.Kellum was prominent in the Drama Club, NJROTC, and could be found drooling over cafeteria fish sandwiches with the same enthusiasm as she did the school's male soccer team. She had completed one semester of general studies at the well known Old Dominion University, where she could have been found skipping her anthropology class to play pin ball at the student center. Ms. Kellum had a bad reputation for being a job hopper, more than a little too spastic to stick with any job for a year, and most of the time only lasting eight months, before becoming bored and quitting in some overly dramatic, and yet completely forgettable way. Although she had graduated from the massage therapy program at Kee Business College of Chesapeake, Va with a fairly high GPA, she never got around to taking her final exams to attain her certification at the time of her death.4

Ms. Kellum was slightly infamous on the internet's well known StoryWrite.com where she penned fifty stories in seven months, earning twenty awards. Her family has decided to send her stories out to a unknown local press in the hopes that the local literary scene might make the cult classics; or at least but the book so that they could burn it in outrage for the slaughtering of the modern word.5

As per her last will and testament the people closest to Ms. Kellum will be instructed to plant a tree in her honor in a rain forest of their choice. After Ms. Kellum has been cremated, her ashes shall be placed into sugar shakers and then passed out to her closest friends and family so that they may spread them where they have their fondest memories of Ms. Kellum. Her family requests that you don't send flowers, and instead give the money in donations in Ms. Kellum's name to either the Hospital of the Kings Daughters, or to the Panda Rescue of Northern China. 6

Author notes

Thanks for the contest!

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • paperacid
    June 2, 2008
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    Very interesting and humorous as well. Good job and thanks for entering!!


  • stalkerfuni
    April 30, 2008

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    comically funerary

    I laughed, I cried, I felt oddly the same inside on many accounts... I am terribly sorry I have no Quantum Quotes to banter with.

    • AllOuta
      June 2, 2008
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      Sorry it took me so long to reply- I feel like a heel.

      Thanks for the tears- they were probably they only ones shed. And I feel heartbroken over the lack of QL banter... perhaps we should rectify that with a marathon?

      Thanks for the kind words!


  • Paragonz Shadow
    April 25, 2008

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    Huh, darkly amusing and very well written. It was very good, and I won't say I enjoyed reading it, that's a bit morbid, but it was definitely WORTH reading. Good luck in the contest; you deserve to do well.


    • AllOuta
      April 25, 2008
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      Worthy is hearty praise indeed. THANKS!

      And thanks for the well wishes.


  • Gary Alexander silver member
    March 31, 2008

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    Before this clever and somewhat darkly amusing, although grimly sad, piece of finality was inscribed, (showcasing her extensive creative talents and journalistic grasp) Ms. Kellum should have contacted us!
    Kavorkian


  • StarDragon
    March 30, 2008
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    "One friend was heard to reply 'I just don't understand, she had most the series on DVD'."

    • AllOuta
      March 30, 2008
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      But I really needed to see this episode because it was the special edition one where Sam and Al switch places and Sam discovers he's married to that flat chested bimbo.

      • StarDragon
        March 30, 2008

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        Which made it onto it's very own DVD complete with commentary and director's cut. Plus the first ten thousand come with an autographed lithograph.


  • Mel-the-Believer
    March 30, 2008

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    Very interesting. I like this idea for the contest of writing your own obits. This was a very interesting obituary. Nicely written. Love the title of it by the way. Keep on writing. God Bless!


    • AllOuta
      March 30, 2008
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      Thanks! And thanks for the read. I'll keep spilling them if you keep reading them!

      ~L~

1 - 13 of 13