These Old Shoes

Anyone can change who they are and what they are meant to be.  Life is a matter of choice and reason.  Sometimes I want to be a jerk or hide in my room - not so others will pity me, but so they will forget me.  That's how I grew up - forgotten and forgetting.  I didn't want to deal with kids with their perfect moms and dads and their rich houses. . .  I was an underdog because I didn't have that and could never have that.1

I was an unknown so kids made fun of me and I fought back.  The world doesn't like outsiders, so it fights back.  It's an aggravating cycle of sharks and fishes.2

I was never rich, or flew a plane, or traveled or dreamed of traveling the whole world.  Home was here and what I made of it.  So, I made something out of it.  I came out of my shell at some point.  I made friends which didn't always stay.  Then I found someone to love who didn't love me.  I found out what family really is though they needed to be reminded of hope.  And at last I replaced the world with God.3

I always had my mind constantly revising, re-planning, rethinking, and reconsidering.  I dreamt of dreaming, but I never lived that dream.  Sometimes that's because of the choices I made.  Sometimes it was the choices I didn't make.  I relied on humanity at far too young an age. . .  Children should never be taught to trust their parents over God, but sadly most are.  Love is not human.  Love is of God.4

Human love is what remains of cobwebs of lust left by a spider long ago.  If the rain and sunlight cause it to shine - it's only for an earthly moment.  Like old decaying flesh it greys, whitens and evaporates in the wind quietly. . .  Not lasting another earthly day.5

And as you live in the world, you find interest in the wonders of mankind.  You're once sure self falls and realizes it has receded back to a previous time.6

It's that walk along the beach when suddenly: deja-vous strikes you.  There's a sharp pain in your heal - a real nasty stone.  But, when you take off your shoe, hold it upside down and give it a shake, an apple falls out.  Puzzled, you wonder how it got there, and if you're hungry, you take a bite.  If not, then you save it for later, because it's just wrong to waste food isn't it?  And if you finish the apple, you're bound to find another apple later on, since you keep putting that same shoe back on.7

I never run out of apples.  They continue to pass through my system.  I'm ashamed to admit how much part of me likes them - because every time I have one I'm forgetting more and more what is important and why I'm here.  Maybe I can't live the dream because I don't know how to, or maybe it's because I don't know how to get new shoes.  I'm just glad Christ wore sandals.8