It was the time of day when the world takes on many colors, transitioning from sunshine to twilight. She swayed slowly back and forth in a woven hammock, contemplatively watching the wind. It created tiny, triangular waves in the ocean and teased the palm fronds above her into movement. The tone of her brown skin had been deepened by a day in the sun, and it was strikingly contrasted with a red string bikini and yellow trunks. On the ground near the hammock was a checkered blanket, nostalgic wicker picnic basket, two wineglasses, an empty bottle of vino, and a platter of half-eaten fruits and cheeses.1
Tonight was her last in paradise. The picnic was over. The man she had shared it with was in the air somewhere over the Pacific, returning home. The sun was leaving. Tomorrow, so would she.2
She closed her eyes, letting her hand dangle loosely, fingering grains of sand. She didn't want to go home. The place she was in seemed detached from reality; she liked it there.3
Just one more night of paradise...
Author notes
This is my little gem because I like the imagery I wrote in it...imagery is something I always look for in a story and finally I wrote some that I liked.
845 comments
Don't know why I wrote this. It started off being about imagery and then digressed.
I know a lot of you are going to be annoyed that she doesn't have a name. I hate creating names for characters; none ever seem to fit properly. So I skipped that part and I hope you won't be too peeved.
(=
A contest entry
- Contest with a twist by Token Massacre.
350 points, ended April 28, 2008, 4 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Your Favorite by SigningOff.ImOnline.
200 points, ended December 2, 2008, 22 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - My Little Gem by Yeshua.
175 points, ended January 9, 25 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Beach by flowerbee1234.
153 points, ended February 17, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short Stuff by DarkWizzard.
150 points, ended February 21, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Welcome to my world by Vampiric souls.
350 points, ended March 21, 86 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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This is really really well written and thoughtful thankyou for entering it
Souls
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You write good imagery. It makes it seem very, very real. My sister recently went to the bahamas and she wrote a story about it with very good imagery, just like yours. Very nice
Beautifully done
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I ♥ the islands (:
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Thanks for entering my contest!
Fantastic imagery, I could see everything in my mind, and that is just what I'm looking for. Thankyou for entering my contest and
Good luck.
Mikaela
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Simplicity & Beauty
I loved the simplicity of this short sweet story. The imagery is what made it. This story embodied the saying "Less is better." Thank You for the contest entry. And thank you for keeping it clean. Sorry I couldn't give a more detailed comment. I got an inhumane influx of entries! Good luck in your writing endevors.
God Bless,
Yeshua
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SUPER GOOD!
it was great..very descriptive and great adjectived...you didnt tell me you SHOWED ME! and i liked it ALOT!
the only thing i may have changed to fit the contest (i realizie it was a pre write) was the last sentence "The place she was in seemed detached from reality; she liked it there.3"
It shows what is in her mind, which doesnt really fit in with the contest.
I still loved it though, you have a good chance
GOOD LUCK!
~salsa
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this is a great start
i am excited to leave the people in suspense and will do the best i can if i create a story out of it. You all write great things down and i am so excited to read them. Once i am done looking at everything i will add people to my finalists lists and things. -
a good start
Sometimes it is not necessary for your character to have a name. she can be nameless, and if you added other characters they could be nameless, too. You'd have to find ways to make them vivid. I read one story recently that had no names; the speaker referred to her ex, as "the poet". In my "Dark Thoughts..." only the cats have names.
Generally, this is a well-developed image, but needs more to make it a story.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 1, ending: 2, characters: 2.
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The main idea for this was just to do a short piece with good imagery, sort of a brief peek into a world. Then I posted a contest for others to develop it, but I think I like it best as a quick look. (= Thanks for your comment!
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I'm actually glad you didn't give your character a name. It leaves more to the imagination, and people tend to judge characters by their name. Good job. A little short, and I was left wondering what the relationship was between the two chraracters, or if she was going to follow him back on a different flight.
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As Promised...
Here's what I love about your writing....
1) You care about imagery and making the reader SEE what's going on, not just simply reading about it.
2) You have a very romantic tone that sets up your characters beautifully in a way that reminds me of some very famous authors. You introduce your characters without INTRODUCING them. Brilliant. I don't feel that this short exerpt needed to establish a name for your character whatsoever. Her name could be figured out in other ways besides saying "Annie did __________ (fill in interesting thoughts here). So I am one of your fans that is not upset by the lack of name
3) You always put a lot of yourself into what you're writing, which is good. It makes everything seem just as real as you are
What I could live without....
1) The urge to eat whatever you are writing about in your stories, LOL The fruit, cheese and wine sound delicious right now....
Okay, and my overall thoughts about this very short 200 word dealio...
a ) You should definately write more and continue on with this, because I find it interesting.
b ) Your descriptions are wonderful... I especially like, "It created tiny, triangular waves in the ocean and teased the palm fronds above her into movement. The tone of her brown skin had been deepened by a day in the sun, and it was strikingly contrasted with a red string bikini and yellow trunks." Then of course the picnic description... Yum!
c) I sooo badly want to know more about the guy she seemingly had some sort of affair with. Who was he? Did she know him before hand? Did she intentionally got to Jamaica to meet him? WHAT'S THE DEAL WOMAN??? hahha
d) You've come a long way from your first stories.. Congratulations!
Ttyl, ily!!
Ana
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Thanks so much!! You don't know how happy review made me (=
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Nicely written.
It may only be a short piece but it paints a vivid picture in my mind.
Considered expanding this?
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Yeah, I have considered expanding it...I'm not so good with the expansions though. (= I'm working on it. Thanks for the read! (=
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Good
Kind of depressing mad eme thinkreminds me of vacation, the last day of itliked it good job on winning the contesti didn't catch any punctuation errors but im not exactly the most punctual personoverall not the best read but reminds you of vacation to beaches and makes you want to go back thereat least i want to go back to vacation nowbadly
sad...........................................................stick person >->-osee it on its side >->oim done now
sorry had to add thati love that emoticon
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Who doesn't miss vacation, right? (= That is a cool emoticon.
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this was fantastic...you could go in so many directions from here...i love the description and the imagery, it's like i can read her thoughts
great job
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Oh, god. This was lovely. It's short and lovely...usually depth = lovely, but not this time. I don't mind that she doesn't have a name. This character's inner turmoil is well worth not knowing who she is. We know her through this turmoil. We don't need a name. I really do like the scenery, too...and do hope (fingers crossed) that you write more of this. Well done indeed.
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okay
I love the descriptions in this piece but I don't like how little detail it has. I think you should at least have told us how long she had been in "Paradise" and a little about her man and if she would see him again. I didn't like the ending-it doesn't finish it up enough. very good descriptions!!! Sorry I change mine a bit-I read the title and it makes a whole lot more sense (duh!) so anyways good story would like a little more detail -
The only thing I would change is repeating 'in reality' it takes away from what you're trying to say here. I think you should expand on this too. You start out with one story line and quickly change into her family life. I understand the imagery you're looking for from it, but expanding it would be able to make the flow work better. This is a great start. Keep up the good work.
Punctuation was fine that I saw, nothing stood out. Very well done. -
i cannot read and comment on your story until you put your comment count into your author notes. If you don't put it in i'll have to remove you from the contest, sorry
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I liked that a lot Actually, I write a lot of stories where my characters don't have names because I'm too lazy to come up with them and I think it suited this story very well. Great imagery, great write
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I liked that she didn't have a name, it made her mysterious. This was really interesting. I could picture the scene perfectly. It was also a look into this character's world. How she felt about things. Very nicely done. I think you did a marvelous job with this piece. Good job. Keep up the writing. God Bless!
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Hmmm.
This is good! And I don't think it matters that I don't know her name. It's still pretty good. Anyways, good job and I'm off to read some more stories :]
KEEP.WRITING.
-Melli<33
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