Black and White- prologue

Great worlds require great leadership. No matter who takes the task, he must be kind and strict, hard but soft. He must have a heart bolder than that of the mighty dragon, but still as careful and thoughtful as the cautious brownie. His spirit must be full of love and pride for the land they rule and those who inhabit it, and must never overlook any pain that can be consoled. This is the leadership King Nathaniel had to offer to the great land of Mirindia.1

But as do all great leaders, he ruled those whose hearts were full of love, and those full of the deepest contempt, and one can be just as fervent as the other. But there was one, a young witch known as Tamorah, whose heart was full of not only a hatred for the king so passionate that it burnt through her heart and soul every moment of her empty existence, but of envy. Envy for power that devoured any love that her sooty heart could ever posses. Even in her earliest years, she was bitter and cross; she saw and showed only ugliness. By the time she was twenty she had been reduced to naught but a hollow shell. 2

But those years did not pass in vain, for she was not one to spend her days sulking but doing nothing. No. For every day of her wretched life was spent developing her powers, becoming stronger as each day went by. When the day came that she felt her powers had reached their peak, she went to the castle to confront the great king. And when she finally met him face to face, the one whom she most detested, she found that it took little more then a icy glance before he fell to his knees right before her piercing eyes, the room filling with the sweet odor of death. She smiled, and without a word, heart full of a sickening pleasure, she slowly stepped foreword and took the crown from the king’s head, and placing it upon her own, she took a seat on her throne.3

It was at that moment, at the death of the beloved king, that Mirindia began to fall. At the beginning, there were many who joined together, trying to regain what was rightfully theirs, but quickly they learned that any fool who dared question her reign would soon fall into the lap of death itself. The country lost hope, and bent to her will. The once proud country called Mirindia became a lost one.4

But there was one, a sorceress, whose power rivaled that of the queen. Her strength came not from the blackness of her soul and the depth of her hate, but from two stones, one that shone black, the other white. She was Tabitha. But brave as her heart was, and as true her power, Tabitha lacked wisdom. For as she raised her hands in the air, power lighting the night and shining upon her face, that the magic she believed she had control of turned on her and ripped her own soul in half.5

Tabitha’s effort was thought to be yet another failed attempt. But ten long years later an old man stood before her, bitter tears falling upon his wrinkled cheeks his heart full of a broken love that can only be felt by one that has lost a child. Though his tears were filled with sorrow, it was a smile that rested on his lips.6

But before he had stood there long, a massive creature with the body of a lion and the head of an eagle stepped into the room and saw him looking at the girl. The griffon looked at him with pity in his eyes, and cautiously stepped foreword, “Agathor,” he gently murmured, “My friend, you should not be here, it brings you nothing but pain.”7

Without turning around Agathor shook his head, “I must…” he replied, but his words were broken and he found he could say no more.8

“It wasn’t your fault,” the griffon assured him for the hundredth time, “But again I assure you, if you stay here any longer, your days will be numbered. Come with me and…”9

The man turned around, and the griffon stopped at the sight of such a rare smile. A smile that was filled with both pain and love, joy and sorrow.10

“You don’t understand.” Agathor said, “I have foreseen. We thought I had lost my powers but I have not. For I will gladly say, there is one last prophecy to be told.”11

The griffon looked at him for a moment, at first with pity. But when he saw the look on his friend’s face, he recognized it not as the old worn out creature he had been forced to familiarize himself with, but as the man he had known so long ago. “Tell me,” he said, “can it be true, after all these years? What is it you saw?”12

It took but a moment for the answer, during which Agathor turned to face the girl once again. “She will return,” he said quietly, “She will return, not in the form of my Tabitha, but as a girl by the name of Crystel White. She will know nothing of our world, nor of who she is or what she is capable of. Her birth will not occur for many years to come, for it could take hundreds of years for a soul that has been torn in half to truly recover…” 13

The griffon stepped forward and stood next to his friend looking down upon the girl, “but what--“14

“I have not finished,” Agathor interrupted, “Perhaps time has made you forget, but with every prophecy comes an exception…an obstacle of some sort. I told you she will know nothing, so will know nothing of her powers, or the stones she must use to channel them. In order to learn these things, she must travel far and gain knowledge, and experience, for those are what Tabitha had lacked. On this quest, she will travel with two people. One will try to protect her, the other destroy to her. It will be up to them as to whether or not she will make it in the end.” He turned to the griffon, “I am leaving it to you my friend, to spread word of this news. You must bring hope to Mirindia once again. I will hide the stones, and I shall not return. Surely Tamorah will soon discover the truth and when she does she will look for the stones. I will be the only person who knows their whereabouts, and I will not underestimate the extent of her power. I wish to live to see the day of my dearest Tabitha’s… Crystel’s return.”15

Without another word, the sorcerer turned on his heels at an alarming speed and when he turned back around to look at the griffon, it was no longer through the eyes of a man, but through the wide eyes of an owl. Without a sound or hesitation, he flew out the window, and that was the last anyone saw of him.16

But just as the griffon had promised, it was not the last anyone had heard or the great prophet. For the news of the prophecy spread through the nation like a wildfire, bringing hope to the people and giving them confidence they thought they had forever lost. Even as they were terrorized by the witch, and the world seemed to be a hopeless one could keep hope in the bottom of their hearts, that help would soon come. 17

Author notes

This is a new and very much different prologue than the one before. It's different from what I usually write, so please be honest on your opinions so I will know If I should fix anything. Thank you very much for reading. Tell me what you think, and any grammer will soon be fixed.

for the contest:
Yes, Amanda Vampiress I have read the rules for your contest: Anything Fantasy, Mystical, Supernatural goes!!!!!!

My name is silent dances; Ich liebe alles; Magical flying Pigs(for contest)

A contest entry

just tell me if you like it. I understand the grammers not great. knock your self out with that critisism, but I am already working on it.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 28 of 28

  • Valkyrie silver member
    July 3

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    Oooo, a very well-written story by a young author! I love it! And it's even a novel! YAYAYAYAYAYAY!

    Ahem.

    I was drawn into your story right from the start, so I had to come back and give it my full attention. Please don't think that the comments below mean I didn't like the story. I LOVED the story! The more I like a story, the more I want to help it be better, so you get the long critique as you see below. If you're not into that, feel free to ignore it, and just know that I loved your prologue.

    I think, since you have so many chapters up, that I must continue and see what happens next! I really enjoyed your phrasing and description. Your use of words is very capable.

    You've got a good flow in your pacing in the conversation. The narration before that could probably use a little more fleshing out; you've got a lot of information there, and if it ever comes up again in the novel, you'll want to establish it firmly in our minds at the start.

    One thing caught up with me just now, after I made my comments as I read: Tamorah killed the king easily; did he not have any magical people to protect him, like Tabitha? Where was she, or her dad or anyone else, that day? It seemed a little too easy for Tamorah to off the king, is all. (Any chance her name is from Tamora Pierce, the author?)

    Okay, here's what I wrote as I read along:

    p3 days sulking and nothing more.
    heart full of sick pleasure (she's not sickened by it, and no one else knows what's in her heart)
    forward, not foreword (direction vs book section )

    p4 lap of death, oooo nice

    p5 maybe say 'rivaled that of Queen Tamorah', since you didn't say whether Nathaniel had a wife
    You haven't said what Tabitha was trying to do; was she challenging Tamorah in battle? from afar? cooking her stew?

    p6 standing before her - before who? Tabitha? Like, at her grave? Needs clarification there.
    comma after cheeks
    Nice reveal about him being her father.
    oh, there's a room, and an actual girl? There goes my grave theory. At the start of this scene, I'd suggest more clear details to set the scene in our minds.

    p8 comma after around

    p11 last sentence is passive. "For I will gladly say that I have one last prophecy to tell."

    p12 But when he looked more closely, he recognized...
    worn-out

    p13 nice foreshadowing! description of why they need to wait is great!

    p14 girl. "But

    p15 perhaps (lower case)
    the other will try to destroy her
    probably do a new paragraph starting with "He turned..."
    He turned to the griffon [and added], "I am leaving...
    comma after truth, and after does
    Wouldn't she already be looking for the stones, knowing their importance?

    p16 first sentence is a little awkward with all that spinning

    p17 heard of the great
    seems you're missing a couple words: 'and the world seemed to be a hopeless one[, the people] could keep hope in the bottom of their hearts...'

    I'd give you more clappies if I could; your grasp of grammar, punctuation and spelling is exceptional for someone of your age--not to mention your turns of phrase and word use--and you give me hope for the next generation of writers.



    • silent dances
      July 3
      Edit | Reply
      No! Thank you so much! I was delighted at its leagnth.

      Alas! I have set aside this novel for the time being, although, I would be very pleased if you would continue to read dispite this, and perhapes when you catch up (might I be so bold) you could help me continue to the best of your ability. I respect your writing and am in desperate need of help.

      Yes, I agree, I need to go back and edit a bit. Its been a while.

      Great point you brought up there, and I am happy you did. Yes, I'll have to mention somthing about that his gaurds

      I will have to put off the rest of my rply to a later date, I'm afraid I must leave, and may not return for another couple of days. I look foreward to your future comments. ^_^ I'll finish replying as soon as possible.


  • Mistress Cheetah
    July 2
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    i agree, it'd very good. thx for entering!!


  • vamplover22907
    May 2

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    Don't sweat about the grammar I'm not good at it either. This was a cool prologue. When I finish going through the rest. (I've been doing many things that haven't aloud me to judge nd I keep forgetting that I haven't judged). I'll read the rest up to where you have it

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • silent dances
      May 3
      Edit | Reply
      ^_^ thanks for commenting, and take your time. also, thank you for reading the rest, I'm exied to see what you will think.


  • sberendt gold member
    April 27

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    Very creative and original! Definitely along the lines of what I was looking for.

    I loved the storyline and how everything nicely melded together to form a flowing piece. My only suggestion is maybe to lengthen the part about Tabitha; there wasn't really much about her meantioned. That part seemed a bit rushed and not as clear as it could be.

    Is there more, or is this the only piece about this? I know you mentioned a previous prologue....?

    *You get "brownie points" for having magical creatures in your story, and for the prophecy*

    *brownies*

    Thank you for entering in my contest!

    • silent dances
      April 27
      Edit | Reply
      ^_^ thanks for commenting. I'm really glad you liked it. Yes, this is a prologue to a book that I've been working on for quite a while now, although, I'm taking a break to work on somthing else, but I'm not going to post that quite yet. I do have several more chapters up... more then a several, actually. So yes there is more. Like I said, thanks for reading. ^_^


  • comicgirl93
    April 14

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    i loved it. i found it to be very creative. i can't wait 2 read more.


  • Mr Majenta gold member
    April 11

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    my criticism here is simply that your narrative style is too summarized, and you forced events along too quickly, it seemed a bit deus ex.
    i have to remove it from my contest however. sorry, you have too many contest entries on here.

  • DeathByChocolate
    April 5

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    Great! Like it a lot! Hmm, about the first paragraph, it was good, but the sentances were a bit run-onish. Otherwise good.

    GOOD LUCK!


  • Maggie Kay
    March 27

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    this is good. Enjoyable. Most fantisies i get lost lol but this one i understood quite well thanks for entering


  • ice wolf Greeters member
    February 12

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    well amanda, this is pretty nice. the first paragraph was a bit controversial, but i know the effect you were going for. Great write and good luck. I'll be deciding Saturday who wins.


  • nimm
    January 30

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    I shall steal your amazingness of the metaphorical persuasion

    This was great, I definitely couldn't have come up with these on my own. The amount of paradoxical amazingness that you were able to squeeze into even the first paragraph, rivals some of what I have found in the entirety of 200 some odd page novels.

    • silent dances
      January 30
      Edit | Reply
      I'm flattered. 200 pages you say? Surely you fib! All I can say is that Thank you for reading. You are my first comment in forever!


  • amanda vampiress silver member
    December 1, 2008

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    First off let me say, thank you for entering my contest and good luck! Also, I did not find any of the grammar errors that you stated would be somewhere within your story. I'm not complaining either. XD

    The plot structure was very well thought out and detailed. I thought that the witch who ruled the country, the griffin, and the prophet were the most believable throughout the story. I did seem some areas of character development, which is always a plus in my book.

    The transitions between parts was good, I didn't find any problems there. The beginning and the end of the story to me was your strongest points. I think the more you elaborated on certain areas, it came off as stronger in my opinion.

    You had some very well described scenes as well. The details were good, and not too elaborate. You did quite well. Again, thanks for entering!


  • Fearless.
    October 25, 2008
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    OMG that was so good! Everything! You should be lucky right now...

    ~Devil Angel~


  • Gary Alexander silver member
    October 16, 2008

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    NOT SHORT ON IMAGINATION!...(Nor verbiage!)

    OK. Read it.
    I have to say, first, you have a talent...and evidently you are a bright young character.
    I could nit-pick this "to death" as they say, but you will do this yourself in good time. For now, I have to be honest with you and tell you I did NOT find the egregious errors I had anticipated and rarely fail to find on similar pieces around here. Your writing is progressing...just fine! I didn't find horrific misspellings, unspeakable ommisions of punctuations, very poor sentences structures, senseless phrases and improperly used words...and those awful, awful, ubiquitous CLICHES! Congratulations to you. Overused and the dreaded hackneyed cliches were at a MINIMUM! I'm proud of you! Anyway, because of this...I wasn't counting the little errors you made...they are to be expected. BUT...
    My overall feeling of this is something you ought to consider...and think about seriously. I was OVERWHELMED with too much material. You seem to be stuffing fifty pounds of material into the proverbial five pound bag! It's just too much. There are too, too, many details...and particularly in this genre, which seems to lay the road open for just about ANYTHING one's imagination can conjure up. To make this REALLY worthwhile, different, and to have it stand ABOVE all the many, many, others of this genre, you ought NOT to merely infuse the story with witches and sorcerers, and griffons and charms...and powers...and magic...and spells...and amulets...and curses...and on and on! You ought to try to infuse your characters not merely with GOOD and EVIL HEARTS and SOULS...but REASONS why these people have such HUMAN traits. What made them as they are. You can't just PAINT or DRAW characters on your canvas...you must BUILD them...CREATE them slowly and reasonably and carefully. In other words, build EACH character...concentrate on them. Just to plunk down an evil doer or a benevolent soul is not enough. We, the readers must care about them...and identify...and we must understand them...their feelings...their motivations.
    You have shown in your writing, talent. Talent for originality, such as some of your phrases show: "lap of death"..."sooty heart"....These were EXCELLENT. The "smile" that "rested on his lips" was another example...but you see, you didn't even NEED to add the excessive verbiage and adjectives and adverbs around this!(SMALL smile that rested on his WEARY lips!)Save those extras for another place...later on. And this brings me to another point...which would have been nearly impossible to point out or edit on this venue. And that is: EXCESSIVE VERBIAGE. Extraneous words and phrases. Convoluted sentences. Superfluous stuff!
    Again, all in all, it is overwhelming. Nicely done, but TOO MUCH STUFF! Please remember this, if nothing else from me: Brevity (the SOUL of wit)...ECONOMY...be terse, witty, short. LESS IS MORE! Stop loading up the page...the sentence...the phrase! Say what you have to say...make your point...and GET OUT! NEXT! Don't go on and on and on with the same ideas...or even MORE plastic characters and events....don't load up your page.And remember, please, that EVERY event must have a REASON for it. Everything a character does or feels or effects...MUST have a motivating REASON. But also remember, the reader can only hold...just so much in his or her mind. Just a tiny example of your verbosity...in P5 you have:"There was one thing she lacked. That thing was the wisdom." 11 words. Why couldn't you have said: "Tabitha lacked wisdom." 3 words! Same meaning. And...at least...you didn't have to repeat "That thing was the" Do you see? At times this becomes so overwhelming, it can put the reader to sleep. Just MOVE THE STORY ALONG! Don't put us to sleep by OVERLOAD.You are a very energetic, spirited, bright and talented young person. Take it easy...TAKE IT EASY. Calm down. Work on each character...present them slowly, gently, easy. Don't mix it all up like a big "hodge-podge!" Understand? Slow down...start slow...take it easy.
    How about a short story about the DEVELOPMENT...in other words what went into...one character or his relationship to perhaps one other of your people.
    OK?
    Work on it.
    MEanwhile...very good! This shows much promise. But TRIM...TRIM...TRIM...CUT...CUT...CUT!
    Best.
    GA

    • silent dances
      October 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so so so so much for this comment. It means alot. I see what you mean about me having to cut down. This is the first thing in my book that I tried so hard on. I mean, I have tried, but not like this. I was afraid that maybe I tried a bit too hard, and your right, I do need to simple it down a little.

      To be honest, the characters are 80% of what I have been working on the last three years. I didn't think about the plot hardly at all up untill a couple months ago. I do not believe in a villain without a motivation, and I don't think that anyone can possibly be ALL good. Humans are complex, and when you are creating one it is alot of work. But it is also my favorite part.

      again, thank you for this comment, I'll follow your advice. ^_^


  • EphemeralStyle
    September 28, 2008

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    Yes! This is really good; intriguing, descriptive, good pace... Absolutely fantastic! You improve so rapidly that your writing is different every time I see it ^^ Great work!

    Eph


  • Dont Look Down
    August 12, 2008

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    Wow this sounds like something I could really get into. You are an amazing writer. I'm off to read more.

    Sabrina


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    July 29, 2008

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    Actually your grammars not bad in this. I've seen much worse. The story, well its pretty good really. I'm not fond of the prophecy bit becasue it practicly tells the outline of the plot. I tend to proffer stories that leave you guessing to the end. I do love the descriptions in this very much though. I shall read more in a bit, gotta do laundry at the moment


  • Reaver Greeters member
    July 18, 2008

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    Some punctuation stuff/and you are righ tabout the grammar-you did fair. Just some captials should be lowercase ...line nine for instance...She/she.

    As for the story, you did very well with this. I was interested from the beginning and could feel stuggle throughout. I very much look forward to more. THanks for entering! D.


  • Lize
    May 29, 2008

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    I think because of you I won't finish my homework, now I HAVE to read the other chapters. It was a slamming piece of writing, I was sucked into the story and glued to my screen until the last punctuation. It was so amazingly describtive. You managed to give me a great image of the scenery, without giving too much dull details. And now I forgot what I wanted to say, damn it.

    The grammar was fine, as far as I can judge, I'm a sucker for grammar. But I couldn't catch any mistakes.

    A cheer for you!

    "Cross my heart and hope to die." Nailpin. Nailpin. Nailpin. :gets a little over excited: I just l-o-v-e that band.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • ForestFaery
    April 18, 2008

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    Wonderful! beautiful! Enchanting!

    i love it! more then love it i adore it! the best yet! great description.. not much wrong with the grammar though but i hope to read more soon! message me when you ahve more


  • Screaming Silence 13
    April 3, 2008

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    w-o-w!!!

    Dang, girl, I knew you were good, but this good?!? You're amazing, and so is this! And it's just a prologue! I'm going to go read the chapters now. You're doing great, really.

  • EphemeralStyle
    April 2, 2008
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    No, you did do well with the grammar. I think I've read this part of the story before, but there's no comment below, so I guess not O.o *mind is blown*

    Anyways, sorry about not getting to read your work for so long! I'll read as much as I can as soon as can. *Crosses heart and hopes to die*

    I think I've already said this, but I love the prophecy, and the concept of the heroine travelling with a traitor and a protecter. With the suspicion....... Hazzah!

    On to the next post!

    Eph


  • Girl Anachronism
    March 30, 2008
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    Oh, yea. Here are some applause smiles for you.

  • Girl Anachronism
    March 30, 2008
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    WOW!!!

    You've finally started posting again! Woot! Sorry, a little too ecstatic there. Anayways, I love this story absolutely with my soul. And I haven't even read more than like two chapters. You got the sort of otherworld atomosphere down and I could almost feel the power of the storm in my veins and hear the rain beating on my windows. I can't wait to read more. Great Job.

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