The Chattue of the White Lady

The man wore a bowler hat and silver cufflinks. He smoked a pipe when it fancied him and never hesitated to take part when the spirits were passed around the table. He would laugh at jokes that had been told a thousand times, and tell a few old yarns himself. He was quite easy to look at and his face was always clean shaven and splashed with the finest cologne. Often was he seen at many a social occasion at the house of his best friend Oslow Pygess. And it is at one of those parties that our story begins. The man with the bowler hat was having a splendid time drinking wine, laughing at an occasional joke, and being quite flirtatious with the women of the evening. Then when it was almost the witching hour he resolved to leave the party a little early and partake in a nice quiet pipe at the edge of the park. So he began to walk from Oslow’s house down the street toward the park with a new ivory pipe in his left hand and a flask of Bostonian spirits in his right. A car would occasionally pass him by but no other life stirred the streets in the pitch-black of the night.1

He was just about to reach the park when he spotted an odd old house that had never caught his fancy before. The paint was peeling and the shingles were falling from the roof. It was a God forsaken place to be sure. But within it the man could make out a figure. She was clad in white and gifted with long auburn hair. The man with the bowler hat found himself mesmerized by her in an instant; she was beautiful yes, but there was also a connection that he felt within his very soul. The figure turned suddenly and he could feel her gaze upon him. He smiled and tipped his had then lit his pipe and stood there to smoke it. They locked eyes for untold hours, and then she broke the connection and returned to the blackness of the house.2

The man came back the next night and the next. Every night he would lock eyes with this mysterious mistress and every night he would smoke his pipe and leave. He would often see here in different places in the house, and once she came out and swung on the porch swing in front. He learned that her name was Tatia and that she was all alone within the house. He pitied her and often brought her gifts of flowers and wine. Finally he convinced himself that he had to see her in person, and that he would gain entrance to that house the next night. So the day came and went and finally all was silent. He came upon the house with his heart beating loudly in his chest. The man was raw with anticipation and he felt overwhelmed by this sense of shyness.3

It was as if Tatia had been expecting him the entire time. The gate was open and the door to the house was ajar as well. Afire with jovial thoughts the man leapt through the entrance and up the stairs to the porch. His hand moved the door gently aside and he closed it behind him. The entrance was dark and smelt of rotten wood and as he made his way further into the house he noticed that the inside was in as much disrepair as the outside. He tried to figure out where Tatia might be keeping herself and decided the sitting room was the best place. As he sifted through the darkness a steady unease overcame him and as he entered the sitting room it became even heavier. Just then he thought he saw something move out of the corner of his eye, but before he could find out what it was the ax was buried in his back. The man fell to the ground with a loud yell of pain.4

The next thing he knew Tatia was standing over him with a butcher knife. “Tatia!” he gasped. “What are you doing?” “You really don’t recognize me do you? I was the girl that you raped when you and the rest of the Nazi army invaded Poland. You murdered my family and deflowered me. I swore my vengeance upon the men who did this and I have killed every single one, except you. When I saw you in the street that night I could not believe it.” “Tatia!” the man pleaded. “Please don’t kill me.” “Oh I am not going to kill you Heir Dasruin; you spared my life so I will let you have yours. But it will not be a very pleasant one.” Dasruin tried to get up but the pain was excruciating. “Tatia what do you intend to do with that knife?” Tatia smiled malevolently. “You don’t need to see to live do you? Those eyes have got to come out.”5

The man never goes to parties or laughs anymore. He never drinks or smokes. His flirtations are useless and his banter is nonexistent. He sits in a chair in the basement of the abandoned house. Almost all of his extremities have been cut off, and he is spoon fed his meals every mourning, noon, and night. Tatia was true to her word, she didn’t kill him and she does her very best to ensure he stays alive for a long time. And in a way the man got his wish as well. Now he can lock eyes with the mysterious girl for eternity from their place in a glass of bile by her bed.6

Author notes

My first attempt at gothic sort of old world stuff. Love it or hate it. Snuggly Bear?

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Naive.
    July 7, 2008

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    1st Paragrah: I adore how this story began. You started off by describing the man in such a great way that really captured my attention. However, you'll notice that the 1st paragraph is large, probably a little too large because it can get confusing. I suggest that after the sentence "...that our story begins.", you could seperate it into two paragraphs. =] But besides that, I really like how you set the scene.

    2nd Paragraph: Ooooooh! I like how a mysterious woman enters the story. Her unknown identity is certainly intriguing. My only critcism is that the figure is described as being "within" the house, but the paragraph ends with her "returning" to the house. Maybe that was a small mistake, or I could have read it wrong. =] Not sure.

    3rd Paragraph: This paragraph is very nice. You created suspense, and believe it or not, I felt my heart beating faster as you described the man approaching the house. No critcism here.

    4th Paragraph: This paragraph could use some work, I think. I think it would be benefitial to slow down the plot a little and spend more time on description, that way the suspense is increased. It seemed like Tatia's attack on the man was way too fast. It'd help if you spent a little more time setting the mood and possibly adding some foreshadowing. =] Also, the sentences feel very choppy in this. Try and make the prose feel more natural.

    5th Paragraph: I LOVE the twist in this part! It was so unexpected and clever. All that I believe needs to be done is to seperate the dialogue onto different lines. That would make it much easier to read and understand.

    6th Paragraph: Love, love, love the ending! Amazing job. I have NO problems at all with it.

    Overall, GREAT job. I just wanted to take the time to point out some easy fixes because this has loads of potential. =D

    Thanks for entering and good luck!

    -jj


  • Reaver Greeters member
    May 14, 2008

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    Bravo!!

    This was great! I enjoyed it all and loved the last sentence. You should break into new paragraphs for new conversation though...it helps with flow and helps the reader switch his or her mind to the new section. And with keeping two sets of dialogue within one paragraph, you in a way create a bit of confusion. The reader has to think...'who's speaking?'. I loved the way you worded things,,,like: "...and tell a few old yarns himself." That set a good mood. You're a true talent...keep writing

    Very descriptive and well written !! Bravo! ~D


  • tallblondie gold member
    May 2, 2008
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    [5] Needed to be spaced somewhat - each new speech part always goes on a new line, especially so with speech from different characters. Good use of descriptions to build atmosphere, as well as evoking emotion through dialogue.

    Thank you for your entry and good luck!


  • McrSAVEDmyLIFE
    April 25, 2008

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    The spirits part sort of confused me until I realized it was alcohol so maybe you could make it clearer that that is what it is? Holy cow. This was AWESOME!!! I loved the details and the twist is amazing. The one issue I have is that it wasn't really scary. I mean, there were a few parts that made me a bit on edge, but for the most part, I wasn't scared. I do love the incorporation of some history and such though. Good job.


  • Mallig
    April 5, 2008

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    Good twist ending, very powerful story. The twist works well because the man is portrayed as being ordinary and the girl almost supernatural, and then when he is revealed as a monster and she is an ordinary young woman, with the power of her emotions, it has a lot of impact. The characters were quite compelling, the bowler hat and pipe added a lot to the visual for me. There are a couple of things that gave me pause while reading, and I may just be weird (well, I am definitely weird), but I thought I would share them. I wondered why the man was referred to as "the man" or "he" when everyone else had a name, it seemed a little awkward because "the man" had to be repeated several times... but I wasn't sure if his name was purposely hidden to make the ending more surprising. Also I had to pause after "He learned that her name was Tatia" because I thought he had spoken to her, then realized he had not... maybe it could be stated that learned her name by asking someone else? Also, the glass of water by the bed for eternity, I was thinking they might decay into an icky mess pretty fast in a glass of water... maybe a jar with some preservative? Just my two cents, or less depending on the exchange rate. Great story, thanks for this entry!


  • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
    March 31, 2008

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    Oh my gosh! Wow!! I loved this. The meaning behind it is... Wow! This really did blow me away and it is so well written. Fabulous job you have done on this piece of work and good luck in that contest this is a truly masterful piece of work. I love that name you used. Its so pretty.
    ~Joann


  • Miss Hanako Cullen
    March 29, 2008
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    The jibe about "Spirits" is wonderful, I like old words like that.

    Beautiful name.. "Tatia" where were you lucky to find that? lol.
    Wonderful names, detail and storyline. Just awesome!!

    Loved It!! Loved It!! Loved It!! Loved It!! (Did I say it enough?? ha ha )

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

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