Images. Teens hugging each other, weeping over loss of life, white crosses adorned with pictures, in front of a high school. Where crosses should never be. But this isn’t about the Jocks and Preps who die. This is Jake, and this is his story.1
Jake was born in 1992, to rather rich parents. He was an outdoorsman from the beginning, and he loved nothing more than being outside. Like most kids Elementary went really well for Jake. All until 7th grade things were great, then his parents divorced, and he lived with his dad, now that he had little money. Kids started picking on him. Seeing that he no longer fit in. Now most people would blame Jake for what happened on that cold December day. I don’t, unlike most people that know about these things, blame Jake. I blame the people who now lie six feet underground. They make his life hell and all he did was pay them back. If you push an animal, especially a frightened animal, into a corner they will retaliate, very violently. Jake was cornered. Now, allow me to paint you a picture. Of the Day it happened.2
It was any normal December day, cold, bleak and dull. The school had cameras in every hallway, at all Exits and Entrances But, on that day the system was down. Jake’s one friend Bob was a hacker and had downed the system. Gunfire rent the hallways, the first; a tall football player went down. My guess is that’s when someone screamed. Images. People running out of the school, being chased by bullets, a teen holding his side, Blood and other matter sliding out between his fingers, Cops hiding behind dumpsters. They told me, Later, after it was over that Jake had over two thousand rounds in his backpack all in a complex feed mechanism leading to the AK-47. The AK-47 now resides behind me. Many people have offered me money to destroy it, but it still remains whole. Perhaps they want me to destroy it because they wish to forget. Perhaps they want to forget because they or someone they know has done wrong to Jake and they don’t feel comfortable with the weapon that destroyed their friends around. Most people are so caught up with the sadness of losing so many young people, that they forget what caused it. The same young people that are now dead cause one person to snap, they teased him without mercy, made him feel worthless and stupid. All Jake did was pay them back. So, now that Jake himself is dead, and his story is told. Don’t you need to make someone feel Loved? 3
A contest entry
- CLOSED FOR JUDGIND AND FIREFIGHTING by Shah Z.
130 points, ended April 23, 2008, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - MAKE ME DEPRESSED by Springs.
235 points, ended June 4, 2008, 52 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Calling all fictioneers! by DarkestPassion.
127 points, ended April 28, 2008, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Any and All welcome by Reaver.
160 points, ended May 26, 2008, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Surprise Me! by Shadow-Kissed.
300 points, ended May 28, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - "Hold onto your hats!" I yell. "It's gonna be a wild ride!!!!" by Namoopf.
100 points, ended June 12, 2008, 24 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Well what do you think?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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You deserve a congrats. You are making me cry =/
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Amazing
I was drawn in to your story. It's something that happens all of the time and people don't understand how it feels. You really captivated a new prospective that many have tried to express, but have never succeeded. Wish you the best of luck in my contest. :
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Well done!
You sort of made the killer sound like a victim. Which is a hard thing to actaully do. This was a very thoughtful peice that could expand into a full-lenght story. Watch capitals and structure (paragraph size) Very well done!! Durian. -
This was great, very emotionally moving. I think I have three suggestions: separate it into smaller paragraphs - makes it easier on the eyes; try using striking imagry, metaphors and descriptions to make what is a great story extraordinary; uh, nope I was wrong...only had two
Other than the imagry suggestion, the grammar/phrasing/spelling was pretty good
An interesting take; I've always had a similar view: the media instinctivly protrays these kids in a bad light, when in SOME cases they are only reacting to what they see as a situation with no right answer. That doesn't excuse them, of course, but your piece was closer to the truth.
Hope to read more,
Jac
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ermm scary.. but good
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This was good, I have a story similiar, it's called the last day of connie duvall.
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to all with questions:
No this did not really happen, though i am surrpised that some think it did. As for the fog surrounding this story... I did that on purpouse. Like in the Lady and the Tiger you will have to draw your own conulions.
Skimboarddude23 -
That was a good short story. It was insightful enough as to what had happened but it leaves the readers with many unanswered questions. One thing that I would take into consideration though is the syntax of your stories. True, you do have many different styles which is good but there are alot of fragments and unecessary commas in some places and too many in others. Sometimes, breaking up sentences helps the reader understand your emotions or the character's emotions alot more. Otherwise, it was a good read and thanks for entering Hitman's Nothing Holding You Contest!
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I love it!
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I felt compassion for Jake. It sucks that he was pushed to that. I wish there was more details to the shooting though. How was Jake killed? By himself or the police? Was there one specific person that he wanted to kill and did he kill them?
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Great!!! I love it!!!! Is it true??? Good job!!! Keep writing!!!!
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this was good. did this happen in real life?
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