The Dark Legacy

Missing image


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Dank stone walls, illuminated with guttering sconces of weak flame, greeted the midwife as she was ushered into the turreted castle. With a firm hand to the small of her back, her host hastened her through the halls and towards the keening cry of a woman in labour. 2

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The sickly orange light flickered as a draft swirled around their ankles. Just as the pair approached their final destination, several of the flames spluttered out with a subdued sizzle. 4

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The wooden door shadowed, the midwife thrust out her hand to push it open. Before her hand could touch the aged mahogany surface, the door swung open with an ominous creak. Clinching her shawl about her throat, the woman strode into the room. No sooner had she crossed the threshold, the door shut with a muffled thump. 6

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Not one to be easily intimidated, she turned her focus to the pale woman on a bed, her face contorted in agony, and coarse cotton sheets crumpled around her ankles. The midwife drew closer, and she could discern that the woman was close to her time - her face and hair slick with the sweat of her labour, and the bed between her thighs dusky with blood. 8

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As she approached, the woman screamed again, the sound torn from the depths of her belly. The midwife placed her soothing hand on the woman’s flushed forehead; whose skin glowed with love and pain. The midwife discreetly checked the woman’s vital signs, before turning to the large, water-filled, enamel washbasin that sat on the low table beside the bed. 10

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The woman screamed ardently through gnashing teeth, her head raised and tense above down-filled pillows. The midwife encouraged her to brace her palms against her knees and bear down. Coming to the front of her, the midwife waited for the final agony, her palms spread in anticipation. 12

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One last excruciating muscle spasm guaranteed the expulsion of the infant into the midwife’s waiting hands. She immediately hoisted the babe by one ankle, and with a resounding slap screams of new life ensued. 14

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As the midwife turned the child to view its screeching face, she gasped. The child’s skin was parchment thin – a tracery of blue veins scrawled across chest and arms. Glancing down at the infant’s face, the midwife dropped her unceremoniously to the bed, whilst hurriedly crossing herself. Further examination revealed additional abominable deformities, and when the child lazily opened her eyes, the midwife stumbled back from the bed. 16

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The child’s soulless eyes regarded her with an evilness that the midwife had only heard told of in the tales of passing journeymen. Rubbing the silver cross at her throat, she whispered. “Het gevallen kind van de Duivel.” 18

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A murmur from the mother summoned the midwife to her duties, and she wrapped the infant in swaddling cloths, her fingers trembling as she tucked the linen around the child’s pale face.
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  As the child was presented, the mother inclined her head over the child, and, unperturbed by the infant’s visage, whispered. “Lilith.” 21

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~~~2~~~ 24


Lilith Abildgaard’s realm of existence was one of darkness. Ignorant of other possibilities, she knew it simply as her world. 25

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Though blind, Lilith perceived her environment vividly. The tips of her fingers taught her the difference between the firm moist walls of her imprisonment, and the silken fragility of the feathers in her quilt. She could discern the subtle variations of the assorted odours that permeated her space - the tallow of the candles as they burnt down the wicks, the fecund stench that wafted from the chamber pots or the delicate scent of Moeder’s talcum powder as she leant toward Lilith to whisper her goodbyes. 27

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Her tongue and nose integrated as one to tell her when her Moeder had prepared her favourite supper, and likewise if her Beschermer had given her rancid milk or watery soup, as she was inclined to do, when Moeder accompanied Vader on his expeditions. 29

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Of these other senses, none approached the aptitude in regards to her range of hearing. She acquired an uncommon skill from an early age; she discovered that by clicking her fingers, the resonance of sound varied depending on the size, composition, and location of objects within her world. She learnt to walk silently, only allowing the constant snap of her fingers to guide her path. 31

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For the first years of her life, she never spoke. Except for faint murmurings, the silent midnight of her world weighed upon her existence. 33

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At four, she received the first of a series of shaped metal plates. The lead plates spanned the gaping cleft that ran from her upper soft palate, through her hard palate and gum, and up to the base of her nose. All her upper front teeth, with the exception of her incisors, had erupted from her gum brittle and deformed. Opposing sides of Lilith’s split lip were drawn together during a horrendous procedure, secured with two thick lengths of wire. 35

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The upper wire served to anchor the front part of the plate, and the rear of the plate wired to her molars. A raised section at the front, between her incisors, served as prosthetic teeth, replacing the teeth that had splintered from her mouth. 37

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Two days ago, at fifteen, Lilith had yet another plate refitted. Despite her protestations and cries, Vader had pinned her down on her cot, and replaced her outgrown plate with one suitable for her age. 39

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Now, as she awaited the arrival of her Beschermer, she tongued the foreign structure in her mouth. 41

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~~~3~~~ 44

Gerda Riis, an aged, barren widow from Greitswald, ambled slowly up the incline to the Abildgaard’s fortified stronghold. Peering ahead with rheumy eyes, she pursed her wrinkly lips with disdain. Had Gerda been able to change her current vocation, she would. However, in this time – 1593 – and place, there were precious few opportunities for a woman of her particular status. Regardless of the marks of rigsdaler that Mijnheer Abildgaard furnished her with, Gerda considered her employer’s child, and thus her charge, a perversion of nature. 45

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In the village the child was referred to as ‘het gevallen kind van de Duivel’; the phrase spoken in hushed whispers around fires in the dead of winter, and accompanied with hooded glances to the west. 47

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The curse suited the child. Lilith Abildgaard should have died at birth, and Gerda, to this day, cursed the midwife for not doing her duty by smothering the abomination. Instead, the cowardly woman had returned to the village, muttering that the Devil had befallen upon Greitswald for the sins of the people. 49

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Monstrous afflictions riddled the child’s mien. The child led a solitary and clandestine life, her parents restricting her to a single bedchamber. The windows of this cavernous room plugged with stone and mortar, so as not a single ray of sunlight ever entered the room. Some light did intrude the space; derived from candles used by either the child’s parents, or Gerda herself. 51

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Of late, Gerda had attempted to convince the child herself of her deformities. A month ago, she had brought a looking glass into the room to encourage the child to despise her own reflection. The child had merely turned her expressionless face to Gerda, and tilting her head, unblinkingly lisped that she did not see a thing. 53

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Finally shuffling the last few feet to the outer walls of the castle, Gerda raised a weary arm to ring the bell pull. Before the echo of the peals could rumble back to haunt the real, the gate opened, revealing the stooped figure of the watchman. A curt nod accompanied a toothless grin, as he admitted her to the inner sanctum. 55

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After a brief acknowledgement, she veered away from where he stood and trudged towards her final destination. The mildewed limestone walls absorbed the meagre light that flickered at intervals along the hall. In places, the canker grew heavily - nurtured by slick patches of moisture that congregated in the mortared seams. 57

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Outside of the girl’s bedchamber, a rickety table set with a freshly filled oil lamp awaited Gerda’s arrival. Without pausing, Gerda lit the wick with the flint she carried, before retrieving a cumbersome brass key from a tiny alcove in the wall. Grasping the lamp tightly with her left hand, she manoeuvred the key into the corresponding lock with her right. 59


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~~~4~~~ 61

Lilith had perceived the heavy-footed woman’s approach long before her fumbled movements at the table. Without straining her hearing, she could hear Gerda’s hitching breath as she shuffled towards the door, as well as the whisper of cold metal sliding across stone that signalled the opening of the door of her confinement. Silently, she swiftly rose from a chair and padded towards left of the door, ceasing her movement within a hairs breadth from the wall. She swivelled her body until she faced the centre of the room, and lingered for the moment it took the door to swing open. 62

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Gerda entered, and Lilith’s nostrils flared as she processed the entire spectrum of scents that clung to the air around her Beschermer, then distinguished them individually - the cloying scent of singed wick and ignited oil, the pungent odour of sour breath and perspiration, a faintly earthy scent, and fear. Lilith’s lips quirked as she identified the last; a strange scent that told her the extent of trepidation the woman felt in her presence. 64

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“Where is the monstrous little beastie?” the woman taunted, and Lilith could hear the faint creak of her neck as she swivelled her head from one side of the room to the other. Lilith could sense the false bravado that dripped from the woman’s words - a faint quiver of her lips as the words formed. 66

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“Show yourself, het gevallen kind van de Duivel!” 68

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Lilith felt the air shiver as her Beschermer spat the insult – a quake of resentful breath forced out with a huff. She caught a snarl as it rose in her throat, repressing it as a hiss. She slid noiselessly from where the door concealed her, pausing where the stench of the woman was the strongest. 70

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“What iss the mathur, Moidur Reess?” Lilith queried awkwardly, the lisp caused by her plate pronounced. 72

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Leaning back, Lilith had heard the subtle rustling of coarse cloth before she sensed the shift in the air caused by her Beschermer’s sudden movement. She avoided what would have been a slap, but a wave of air washed over her face. 74

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“I am not your Moeder, fiend. If I had been, I would have sent you back from where you came!” 76

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Lilith brushed off the insult; having her ears assaulted with the same unimaginative phrases from the same unintelligent individual had grown wearisome. Sneering at her Beschermer maliciously, she replied with her own favourite taunt. 78

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“Iss tha why you hath no offsss’ring, Ger’tha Reess?” 80

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Lilith smirked as the woman erupted into a fit of snarls and shrieks. Distracted, a sharp pain to her legs reminded her that the spiteful woman would kick anything in range. Lilith backed away, hissing in vexation. 82

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“You petulant, ungrateful child!” the woman screamed. “I come here everyday to feed and care for you, and you mock me for my barrenness, and accuse me of ungodly things…” 84

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Lilith barely listened to the woman’s rants, much less responded. Instead, she glided to her bed, picked up her gilded ivory brush and begun combing it over her fragile tresses. Turning her head to where her Beschermer still shrieked, Lilith assumed a serene poise. 86


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~~~5~~~ 88

Gerda Riis raged on the injustices of her life for several moments before she realised that the child had studiously ignored her; sitting on the bed pulling a decadent hairbrush through her stringy, pallid hair. 89

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Apart from the blasphemous mouth, the child’s skin was pasty – the aberrant white unblemished by any smudge of normalcy, her transparent eyelashes and eyebrows framing frightful crimson pupils and irises. The child’s delicate complexion brought to mind another of the child’s defects, and Gerda smiled vindictively. “I’ll take you for a stroll in the lovely sunlight, shall I?” her voice cloyingly sweet. 91

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The reaction from the child was agreeable; Greta watched as the child dropped the hairbrush in fright, and shuffled up the bed, away from her. Greta laughed hollowly. “Your Vader told me of your allergy,” she sneered. “About how I needed to be careful, how I wasn’t to take you on strolls in the garden before sundown. If your Vader loves you so much, why is he not here, Duivel?” 93

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The child jumped up, indignant. “Va’er and Moidur luth mee ’ea’ee…thay arrr dif’er’mathss.” 95

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“Diplomats indeed they are, Duivel,” Gerda replied wryly. “But they spent more time than one does away from their child.” She regarded Lilith with derision. “Though, you are not their child, rather you are a het gevallen kind van de Duivel. The townsfolk all know you are a changeling – unlike a human child, you have no soul,” she crowed. 97

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Gerda curled her lip when the child hissed as Gerda’s contempt visibly infuriated her. She chuckled. “Yes, child, I know what you really are; a foul, loathsome, beastie that crawled from the pits of hell, come to punish us for our sins. Mark my words, I shall send you back.” At the last, Gerda snatched a pillow from the bed and advanced on the cringing child. 99

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~~~6~~~ 102

Pressed against the wooden uprights at the end of her bed, Lilith grasped one of the smooth posts in fear, until her knuckles cracked. Her Bescherner’s ominous voice ringing in her ears, she whimpered as she heard the woman’s soft foot falls approaching. 103

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She had once quizzed Moeder about the phrase, ‘het gevallen kind van de Duivel’ that she heard both her Beschermer, and sometimes Vader, speak of. Her Moeder hushed her, whispering that Lilith was her special angel, as she softly stroked her wispy hair. Touching her distorted mouth, Moeder had assured her that she was not de Duivel, and the cleft in her palate and lip merely an old family trait. 105

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Busy with his diplomatic duties, Vader remained largely absent. Nonetheless, Moeder explained that he cared enough to commission, from across the Scandinavian Empire in Finland, the costly prostheses for Lilith’s mouth. Lilith had nodded with limited understanding; though the plates hurt, they allowed her to eat and speak with relative ease. 107

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Still uneasy, Lilith had played her tongue over the incisors that had grown slightly longer than the rest of her teeth, and unlike her Moeder or Vader’s incisors, tapered to a sharp point. Moeder had scowled and reprimanded her; scolding her for bringing attention to the abnormality. At Lilith’s teary apologies, Moeder had consoled her with the promise of gold crowns for the teeth. 109

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A creak arising from the end of her bed broke Lilith’s fondly reflective reverie. In an effect to locate her Beschermer, she swept her arm before her, clicking her fingers, twice, at intervals along the arc. A change in pitch off centre to her right, fixed the location of her aggressor. A series of rapid clicks in that direction established that the woman sat near the end on the bed. 111

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“Eh em no Du’ell,” she hissed at her Beschemer. 113

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Lilith heard a grunt of throat clearing, followed by the wet retort of spittle ejected from the woman’s mouth. She shrunk back as the aqueous projectile smeared itself across her cheek. 115

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“De Duivel shall welcome you back, child,” the woman snarled as she shifted her weight up the bed towards Lilith. 117

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Before her mind could process a rapid reception of signals, her face registered a soft, downy, pressure that covered her mouth and nose. Lilith struggled as the restriction of her breathing made the first tiny pricks of light burst behind her eyes. She spent a mere second wondering at the marvel, when her heart seized with panic and she thrashed wildly. 119

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Her delicate nails bowed under the pressure as she clawed any expanse of skin not her own. Bony legs and knees flailed in vain hope of relief. As air was denied further entry to her lungs, Lilith saw another darkness approach.   It was fathomless, neither close nor far, but it had come to replace her comfortable darkness with fearful night. 121

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As her body arrested its vigorous struggle, Lilith retreated to her inner inky domain. Oxygen deprived, the damage from the lead in her mouth asserted its corruption on her mind. A spectre of tiny lights danced to a solitary tune, forming and reforming in gusts and whirls. It paused, and whispered to Lilith, its voice maliciously tender. 123

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“Fight back - she is only a craven old crone.” 125

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Lilith’s primal instinct for survival gathered the discarded reins of her feeble life, infusing her cells with adrenalin. As the vital hormone coursed through her, she perceived that her aggressor, presuming that she had triumphed, retracted her instrument of murder. 127

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As she inhaled a lungful of sweet air, her spectre faded as it fought the tendrils of forever night. The auditory hallucination remained. 129

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“She hates you, she has always hated you,”   the comforting voice affirmed. 131

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Lilith breathed, recalling every occasion the woman had tampered with her food, every spiteful word, and every hurt she had visited upon her. 133

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“She is de Duivel, you are an innocent angel.”   The lilting tone soothed Lilith’s racing heart as she remained still. 135

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“You must kill her.”   The voice was now hard and unforgiving. 137

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Lilith blinked; her eyelids fluttering against the pillow. “How?” she whispered steamily. 139

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“Wait until the crone’s curiosity compels her to examine you. Then you must strike – use what you were given through misfortune and fate.” 141

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Lilith explored her mouth again with her tongue, the tip coming to rest where one of her incisors had pierced her bottom lip. 143

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“Yesss,” her consciousness hissed. “Yess.” 145

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~~~7~~~ 148

After suffocating the child, Gerda left the pillow on the child’s face. Lilith’s crimson eyes frightened her badly in life, and she quickly feared what they would hold in death. As she stood by the door, her body quaked – her rapid inhale and exhale fraught with exhilaration and trepidation. 149

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For ten minutes, she alternated between wringing her hands and fidgeting with the golden cross that rested on her clavicle. Still the child did not move; one ashen hand rested limply, palm up on the rumpled sheet, small crescents of blood spotting the fabric under the curled fingers. 151

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Stiffening her resolve, Gerda approached the bed. Leaning over the child, she removed the pillow swiftly, closing her eyes against the horror of the child’s face. 153

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~~~8~~~ 156

Primed for action, Lilith waited patiently, denying her body any relief through movement. Finally, the woman drew near; Lilith could hear her rapid pants. Signalled by a slight twinge, the pillow lifted from her face. As the woman’s rancid breath tickled her eyelids, Lilith launched herself upward. Lunging, with mouth wide open, Lilith sunk her teeth into the woman’s warm skin. 157


Manoeuvring the woman, Lilith brought a hand up, pulling the woman down, and forward. Surprise in her court, she rolled the woman, pinning her to the bed. After scraping her teeth, and ripping through delicate flesh, Lilith pulled back as the woman flailed and screamed in terror. 158

159

Sensing the exact location of her Beschermer's throat, from the vibrations it made as a variety of curses and shrieks coursed from it, Lilith lunged again. As she sunk her teeth into the woman's neck, she felt the quiver of heartbeat tickle her tongue, the vein at the side of the woman’s neck twitching frantically. 160

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After several minutes of frenziedly biting and gnawing, Lilith’s face was abruptly drenched with warm blood. Her madness complete, she swallowed the woman’s life force, continuing to rip and tear at the flesh beneath her mouth. Finally, Lilith’s antagonist ceased her struggle, and unlike Lilith, she succumbed to the darkness. 162

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Her primal desire sated, Lilith sat back on her heels, rocking herself. The voice returned to her. 164

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“You have done well my child, but listen closely, she is not yet dead.” 166

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Lilith strained her ears. Faintly she could hear another whisper. 168

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“Evil child, you are like your Vader de Duivel…”  Lilith wrapped her hands around her ears, moaning. Her Beschermer could not be alive. Despite her lament, her Beschermer spoke, the words eerily ripped from a ruined throat. 170

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“You can not kill me, child.”   The scorn drove Lilith to cry out; she flung her arm to bat away the hateful woman. 172

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The whispered voice laughed as Lilith’s hand hit one of timber uprights at the end of the bed. With a hoarse shout, she wrapped her hands around the bevelled timber. With preternatural strength, she ripped it from the frame. Her spectre returned, shimmering on the peripheral of her closed eyelids. 174

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“Kill her,”  it commanded. 176

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Lilith raised the splintered wooden rod high above her head with two hands. Hissing, she drove it downwards, impaling the body of her deceased Beschermer through the chest. 178

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“Excellent.”  The spectre praised her, before departing and leaving Lilith in bloody silence. 180

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~~~9~~~ 183

Two days later, when Gerda Riis failed to return, several of the township’s men folk stormed the Abildgaard stronghold. They hauled the strange albino girl, filthy with dried blood, back to the village. In the hour it took to bring her there, her skin reddened, hives developed and blisters formed. Shackling her in the village square they listened as she madly raved how her Beschermer had survived her vicious mauling. 184

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Examining the body, they found that the wooden stake pierced her heart. Fearing that the girl spoke the truth; that as a het gevallen kind van de Duivel, her evilness would be inherited by any unfortunate to have been bitten, several of the men folk who had brought her down were killed in like manner. 186

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Finally, at the fall of night, she too was executed. In a fit of fervent enthusiasm, they also decapitated her, keeping her head in a pickling jar - to warn and to ridicule. 188

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~~~10~~~ 190

The gypsies that journeyed through the village repeated the story in their travels throughout Scandinavia; the otherworldly girl with pale skin, red eyes, and pointed incisors. Of how she had killed a woman by savaging her throat to drink her blood and that sunlight burned her skin. Finally, they told of how the villagers laid her to rest without her head and a wooden stake through her heart. 191


She truly was het gevallen kind van de Duivel; the Devil’s fallen child, the first true walker of the dark. 192

193

Author notes

First - the foreign language is Dutch.

'Moeder'='Mother', 'Vader'='Father', 'Beschermer'='Guardian'. The character names are genuine Scandinavian, except for Lilith, which has an Assyrian background. It means 'fallen demon of the night'. The one mention of money, is a currency that was true to the time period.

"Greitswald" is a town (in the country called Yorpommern in the Scandinavian Empire) that existed in the 16th century - in fact, it was the home to a centre of learning

Second - all the deformities that Lilith has are factual medical conditions.

Albinism occurs through every race and culture, but babies born with the genetic fault are prone to other congenital defects such as blindness (especially those with red eyes) and cleft palate/lip(CPL). The CPL in Lilith's case is severe - resulting in in a cleft through both the soft and hard palate, as well as disrupting the natural formation of her teeth.

The lead prosthesis allowed her some normalcy - but remembering that I set this piece in the 16th century, the methods were crude. Humankind did not discover what lead could do to you until a lot later - we still used the heavy metal in paints up until the 1960's. Lead poisoning damages the brain, ergo the madness.

The last medical condition - where she burns instantly within contact to sunlight is called Solar Urticaria - an autoimmune disorder where the body produces antibodies that attack proteins in the skin.

Third - the views expressed by my characters are NOT my views. I merely gave what was the common perception of babies born with deformities and disabilities in those times. Many were killed at birth or abandoned.

Lastly - I don't usually write in this genre. I especially do not proscribe to the romantizism of vampires. However, I fervently believe that all myths and legends had to have started from somewhere - Lilith's conditions are one plausible explanation for vampirism. And who knows... it could be true.

 

Notes for contests:

 My favourite story as it is probably the best I've written so far. And it seems that other people like it too...

SN: tallblondie

Favourites - don't have any.

Ridiculous statements for contests - get over it. I DO read the rules. I am NOT some attention-deficit wannabe emo...

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 99 of 110     1 2  next >  (show all)
  • DUDE THIS WAS LONG!!!! But well worth it. I like it that you researched on this, I would've gotten lazy and just made it all up, so I admire that. ^^ I like the description, the plot, the characters. They all seemed so real. Thanks for the translations, ^^ I would've been REALLY lost. I was all like, "They all sound like scones to me." xD I love it! I like it how you added Gypsies into it, they kinda peek my interest alot. ^^ THey're so cool! I like also how you differed the writing to their different viewpoints. It kept me in suspence guessing at what would happen next and it gave me an idea what was going on through thier head. GREAT WORK!! ^^


  • Valhara
    October 13

    Edit | Reply

    Great Read

    Amazing story. The detailed descriptions were definately something else here as well. I liked the plot, and the research you did, it really gives a more realistic view upon the legends of vampirism.
    Only thing, a few spelling errors, sorry, i'm just OCD over that. lol.
    But good plot, theme, and setting. The research really does add to the reality of the story. Good luck in my contest.^^


  • seasonsoflove silver member
    October 11
    Edit | Reply
    wow. amazing!

    plot: 5
    language: 5
    theme: 4

    total: 14

    Great work here. Truly spectacular
    Keep it up, and thank you so much for entering!!


  • lesbian-in-love
    October 10

    Edit | Reply
    The pic was freaky but goes well with what you have written. I enjoyed reading this. Thanks so much for entering and best of luck to you in the contest.

  • rustic
    September 28
    Edit | Reply

    A creative piece of writing

    I like your explanations and details. And who knows it might of really happen


  • CrystalRoseOfNight
    September 28
    Edit | Reply
    I like the pic, for a start. The start was intersting, and it was........ eh....... anyway. The middle built up, and was very good and btw, WORD LIMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  • tsh369 gold member
    September 1

    Edit | Reply
    It’s amazing how my modern-day sensitivities over load when confronted by old-world thinking. I’m heartbroken for the child. While offering a plausible explanation, you were able to breath life into the character.
    Thank you for entering my contest. Good Luck!!!

    Th.


  • patchy
    July 31

    Edit | Reply
    This. Story. Was. Amazing! you have a great writing style, and it is extremely realistic. your grammar is impecable, as is your spelling. i loved everything about it. lilith and her 'family' fascinated me. great job!


  • Vanilla King
    June 30

    Edit | Reply
    Hmmm...
    I don't really know what to think of this story. There's a bunch of things that I liked, but also quite a few that I didn't like.

    I feel you abuse descriptions. It's okay to sometimes write down a noun without a complementary adjective. It's probably just me that doens't like it, seeing as how there are many positive comments and awards, but just figured I'd give an honest review.

    Another thing that bugged me, is that you put in Dutch words, even though the story is located in Scandinavia. I'm from Holland, and though the languages sound a like, they're definitely not the same. I also don't understand why you use Dutch names such as "het kind van de Duivel" when the characters speak English. Also, since "het" is a definite article, it's weird to say "the het kind" or "a het kind".

    I do however very much like your logical explanation of vampires! If you came up with it yourself, kudos to you! It's a very original way of explaining an ancient myth and a very acceptable explanation too.

    In the context of my contest, I like how Lilith developed sonar-like abilities. There are actually people who can do that in real life, and it's a nice addition to the already 'freaky' girl; it also explains the vampire-bat relations.

    All in all, I'm having mixed feeling about this story. The writing style doesn't appeal to me, but the story itself does.

    Thank you for entering!

  • This story/poem is hereby officially accepted as a nomination for the SW Oscars. Congratulations on your nomination! You will be notified [via IM] to submit this story in its specific category when the contest opens. Congratulations, once again! Keep up the excellent work!

    Admin
    SW Oscars

  • That was a terrific piece of writing and probably my favourite here on SW! The description was great, as a lot of pieces here have no description, but you really took the time to put it in. The first sentence attracted me in as soon as I read the first word and the whole tension of the dying mother and the blind baby is absolutely great! Gawd, wish I could write like you... anyway, more feedback coming: the whole idea that Lilith is certainly a strange character and very secretive and the fact that everyone despises her is very moving and motivating. Perhaps I am too excited by your story? No! It's just terrific and well done!


  • Avalanche.
    April 14
    Edit | Reply
    very very good! good description and use of charactors!


  • paperparadox
    April 3

    Edit | Reply

    Very plausible...

    A great take on an age-old question of origin. Well done! You've got some great vivid imagery here for your reader to ponder regarding Lilith's physical deformities and appearance, and the story is well crafted.

    Just one small thing I have to query: Gerda's name seems to change in Paras 59-62 to Greta. Was this a seperate character, or just a typo?

    Nevertheless, well done indeed. I enjoyed this dark piece.


  • Frozen Angel
    April 2

    Edit | Reply
    This is amazing. The plot development, the plot itself, description, all amazing.

    Thank you for taking the time to enter my oontest.

    *Frozen Angel*

  • I'm not going to bore you by re-stating what others have stated so I will simply say great job.


  • DreamWanderer gold member
    March 24

    Edit | Reply

    Phantasmagorical

    Reads like a folk tale, by design, I suspect. Perhaps a little verbose at the start, but it kept getting better - the ending struck me as a little hasty but it worked. I like the vocabulary, too. No dumbing down here. Overall a nice portrait of the fear and ignorance and darkness of the time; no need for the supernatural here - that Lilith could've existed in the real world adds flavour to the eerie ambiance... Nice to see the proper spellings of "odour" and "meagre" (Has anyone noticed the spell checker on this site is *seriously* lacking?) The Dutch kind of threw me, but that's because Dutch has always looked like a collection of random words. Obviously, that's just my own personal hang-up. Worry not; the story in no way suffered for it.

    Nicely done and good luck
    Dw

    ps - In response to your ridiculous AN statements... you're right. But at least I admitted it was dumb lol Just having a little fun ;-)


  • Lois.Stone
    March 24
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    um, i think that may had been one of the most amazin stories EVER. well done!

  • This was really good!!! I always enjoy reading ur stories. They r all so dark!!! I <3 that!!! Gr8 job with this!! I like how u made it appear as if she were the first vampire.

  • Gosh this story is so good. :


  • Asonine
    March 11
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    Weird as hell mate, but the knowledge in here is good, bravo.


  • Izzles
    March 10

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    Your knowledge of your subject is impressive. I believe that researching your genre and specific subject matter is important and an author who does this shows, in my opinion, that they take their craft seriously.
    Your story was enthralling, I wanted to keep reading to find out what happened to Lilith.
    The way you sectioned your piece was at good intervals, for the reader, and did not halt the flow. The different perspectives helped me to understand each character better and, ultimately, help me empathise with Lilith.
    A truly wonderful read. Well done!


  • Rune Morose
    March 7

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    Such an imaginative tale! You've really done your research for this one. The character of Lillith appears so vividly in the mind, especially in stark contrast to the (let's face it) rather two-dimensional, superstitious folk that populate the landscape. She is certainly painted as a monster, and that is how she looks, yet there is sympathy beneath the horror. I think that could be brought to the surface a little better.

    I say this too often, to too many people; flesh it out! Lillith could be even better if we see signs of lingering childhood innocence. The family could play a larger role to make this story a little more true to the title. Who is this Beschermer, really? Draw these struggles out and give them depth. I also don't think you need the numbered "chapters" so much as the story begins to settle into one specific date.

    Interesting you've chosen the Dutch language to aid in this tale that kills the cliche vampire genre; Dr. Van Helsing was a proud Hollander, after all.

    Like I said, very clever and original; I think you could really take this onto a little darker and a much, much larger scale. Fantastic work.

  • whoa

    Haha, I had a feeling it was in another language
    The words sort of come close to Mother, Father and Devil (the other word, the guardian word, I guessed it was a worker or a nanny ^_^), and while at first, I found it uncomfortable reading it in a sort of different language, as I read on, it kind of made sense, and added to the chilling effect.

    I really had a feeling this was well researched, and I was write *read the author's notes*

    Maybe this is the origin of vampires? People didn't understand much before so... yeah.

    Anyway, before I go on and on, thank you for sharing this. Despite the length (3,000 or more words + the attention span of a 4 year old... ), I enjoyed every bit ^_^

  • Very nice. I do not usually enjoy vampire stories, but this kept well away from the awful cliches that plague the genre; it was more of an origin story than anything else, and an intriguing one, at that. This felt...well, true, for lack of a better word. Your attention to detail (the Dutch, the medical conditions) really fleshed the story out. No wonder this has won so many trophies.

    Thank you for entering, and best of luck with the contest.


  • artaq gold member
    March 5

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    Lovely! There was one point I was wondering where you were going with the story... But I loved the end..

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • DoozerDan silver member
    March 3

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    Interesting, veeeeery interesting. I think I can see why this wins so many golds. Heh. I have to say, my favourite line is in your author notes, *scrolls for half an hour past all the trophies to find the line to copy it* "Ridiculous statements for contests - get over it. I DO read the rules. I am NOT some attention-deficit wannabe emo..." Epic stuff.

    Back to the story...

    I have nothing of any use to say about this, I couldn't pick any mistakes, though, there were a couple of spots that gave me pause, like Para 119:

    "... registered a soft, downy, pressure..."

    Should there be a comma after downy?

    Hmm, the ending seemed a bit fast too, rather like The Value of Death. Story then bam! This is the ending now go comment. Sort of thing.

    *finishes rambling*

  • very, very nice. I likge the way you've spaced this. It definatly blows any of my writing away. anywho, i strive to be a good horror writer, like steven king and alfred hitchcock and william faulkner. It would be awesome if i could learn from an author like steven king, or atleast have him critique my work... well whatever, good write


  • Tricia3 gold member
    March 1

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    This was amazing!

    Every time I start thnking I write pretty good story, I find one like this and it affirms what an amature I am.
    So this is how the legend of the vampire started. This story is much more interesting than Dracula.
    The Dutch language added so much to the tail.
    Thanks for sharing this story.
    Trish

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • SilentMoonDance
    February 28

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    Nice...

    The story was really good and interesting, but I felt as if I needed a translator for all the foreign words. I also felt like I was reading a dictionary. Some advice, less is more. You'd still convey the same message without all the hard work...it can sound overdone, you know what I mean? It was a little rushed towards the end, but overall I enjoyed reading this. It's sad that Lilith was executed, I would've liked her to survive. (I'm a big fan of happy endings)
    Good luck in my contest!


  • Cajun.Lullaby gold member
    February 28

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    This was by far one of the best reads I have encountered in a long time. I have a long standing fascination with albinism, although I'm uncertain where it originated, but it should be noted that MOST humans with albinism do not suffer these deformities, although a quirk in the genetic mutation does occasionally cause it. Albinism alone causes an insufficient amount of melanin in the person's skin, eyes, and hair. The eyes are incapable of magnifying images so their vision isn't totally gone, but enough so to be legally blind. Their eyes and skin are hugely vulnerable to sunlight. You have done a delightful job in describing Lilith.

    That said, I like your take on vampirism. I believe that this combined with the Satanic rituals of Old European Gothic Cults might very well be a reasonable explanation for the myth of a vampire.

    I wonder, though, if you saw in your own writing the so-called "Evil Albino" of Hollywood fiction. So often those with albinism are cast as villains because they are different and to some, frightening, that it has become a stereotype. This I have researched at some length for a paper in college. Let me know if you'd ever like to read that paper (and I have others on the subject) - I'll post them on SW.

    Thank you for writing such a refreshing tale of vampirism. I wish this were published and on my bookshelf already.

    Keep up the great work!!!
    ~Rainy.

  • TheDecree
    February 17

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    THis is a very original take on vampires. There is nothing cliche about it at all. You have astounding vocabulary, and very excellent writing skills. It's really horrific how Lilith died, being decapitated--pretty sad. I really felt for her.

    This was great read. (:

    Good luck in my contest. (:


  • SweeneyTodd-girl
    February 12

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    I liked it. Very unique take on vampires. I didn't quite get it till the end, when it all came together.


  • Toxic Valentine
    February 9
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    Thanks for entering. Good luck in the contest!


  • CrystalTigress
    February 9

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    loved it

    i can't think of any improvment to this story. it was awesome. thanks so much for entering my contest and keep writing it's great. i will be rereading all entries before choosing finalists. so good luck!


  • iliad
    February 8

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    Wow...I don't really know what to say about this one. Your writing is almost too good...and this idea--I loved it. You took a genre that to me always feels so tired and cliche and gave me something new. Thank you for this; you for the moment have restored my faith in the the vampire genre. Your empathy towards these creatures is apparent, and I can tell you are one of those people like me, who would peer into the darkness and be too fascinated by its most horrible inner workings to look away. It is true that the worst kind of monster always is us.

    Your use of vocabulary is amazing. However, I do wish you had put some of these words into a more clear context, so that I would have had at least some idea what you were trying to say without grabbing the dictionary--not that I mind doing that, but in this case I found myself having to stop reading, so I could take in everything you were telling me. It was a little distracting. I wasn't sure if this was just me and I tired, so I had my friend read this, and though he really liked it, he agreed with me.

    I also think that you should flesh out the ending. It ended a little abruptly. There are so many possibilities you opened up, but you kind of shut the door on it right away. Don't think I am being harsh. If I didn't like it my comment would not be so long. You are are truly deserving of all the praise you have so far recieved. There are some spelling errors, and grammatical things here and there, but with a re-write, this is absolutely publishable. Really, really nice work.

    Thank you for entering my contest.

    -iliad-

  • Lois.Stone
    February 2

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    wow! Amazing... thats all I can say. Honestly, I can't think of anything to improve, and I liked everything about it, so, since no one wants to read a long list of why it is so good (because why it is good is so obvious) I'll just thank you so much for entering!

    Loisxx


  • luvme728
    January 21

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    I like how the story is a little medieval. It's very interesting. The characters are unique, the word choice is colorful, and I loved it. Good job! (8


  • LadyLionnir
    January 16

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    You really lived up to your comment about how the word count didn't matter all that much for your story. It didn't bore me at ALL! My attention didn't stray for even the fraction of a second and you wrote this so well. Also, thanks for the information in your authors notes because it really showed how much you worked on the location and language of the story.
    As for the comment you left for 'Human Fruit'...I must say that when you read a story on this site, you REALLY read it and take time to review it. Great work! Thanks for entering my contest and congrats on all those trophies!


  • Bloody-Ink gold member
    January 11

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    Darkly Irresistable

    This was the perfect contrast between the world of fantasy and the tall tales of how the creature known as "vampire" became known. I was captivated by the vocabulary and descriptive context of your story. I absolutely loved it.

  • lovetoloveyou
    January 7

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    This is perfect! If at the least, you ARE definitely a finalist in my contest- great vocabulary and description! GOOD LUCK

  • mihow1
    December 29, 2008

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    Darkly Beautiful

    probably the best story I have read on this site. Your are an impeccable writer, and I can only hope to be as good as you are someday. This was truly amazing


  • Yeshua
    December 23, 2008

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    Simply Amazing

    Dispite yhe fact that it was nearly a tousand words over, I loved it! It never lagged or got boring, and your insight into the character was completely unflawed! Thank You for the contest entry. And thank you for keeping it clean. Good luck in your writing endevors.

    God Bless,
    Yeshua


  • demonp3n
    December 14, 2008
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    I've read this before and it's still astounds me! This is probably one of the most realistic vampire stories I've read, and I absolutely love it! It's so engaging! It sucks you in a keeps you with it til the end! This story is amazing even after a second read!


  • Olinda
    December 14, 2008
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    Wow this was very good! I really loved this! It was... wow. I really liked this...


  • Maui Jane silver member
    December 14, 2008

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    What a fantastic read. I thought this was well written, the setting was marvelously depicted your descriptions were not over done and were exceptionally placed. Everything flowed together spectacularly. This is a wonderful, plausible take on the origins of myth.

    Well Done! I was completely spell bound.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Seshat Kitty
    December 13, 2008

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    This was awesome!
    I'm speechless (well, almost I don't think anything could really silence me ).
    It was long, but worth it. You captured me with this story so much so that nothing existed but the story. A mark of a true writer.
    Thanks for entering and good luck!


  • poetry is soul
    November 29, 2008

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    the imagery in this story is really good, amazing... and its sad that lilith has so much wrong with her, but after reading your author notes, i can see how people can imagine people being vampires with medical conditions such as those she had. i can tell that this story took a lot of thought and imagination, very good.!


  • StarOfDreams23
    November 27, 2008
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    wow it was great, it was so realistic! great write!!!!!


  • MoonRoseWolf gold member
    November 14, 2008

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    Very good!

    This was....an astounding story. It is unbelievably refreshing to find a 'vampire' story that isn't based around romance or 'kicking ass' etc.,....

    I love how you tied superstition to natural causes, you could really tell all of this was very well thought out. You should be very proud of this one.

    I felt sorry for Lilith at the end (although I feel Gerda got what she deserved really),and it would have been lovely for her to have a happier outcome. But of course, this ending is much more realistic, and it would be difficult to write in a romantisied ending as it wouldn't fit with the rest of the story.

    A brilliant story, and definately one of your best, well done!


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    November 8, 2008
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    Hi

    This story is being considered for inclusion in a Storywrite anthology we hope to publish. If you would like this story to be considered, please apply to this group:

    http://storywrite.com/group/info/Storywrite%20Anthology%20Volume%20One?stay=1

    Andy


  • Celestial Rose
    October 22, 2008

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    You sure know how to write. And it seems others think so too! I am caught, you have true talent as an author. I like how you worded some of your sentences, they fit perfectly. Good job, and all in all, a great read!


  • xXSnickiesXx
    October 17, 2008

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    Amazing

    I loved it!

    I was utterly impressed with your use of foreign words.

    I loved that vampires came out into this story LOL.

    There were not any errors as far as grammar and Spelling so that was awesome.

    It was in a word, Extraordinary.

    I liked every last thing about this story...

    I found nothing wrong with the vocabulary, Plot line or the way it was written <33

    Best of luck♥

  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    October 16, 2008

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    Well,

    I didn't like the ending. It could be fleshed out more, but I felt very sorry for Lilith and hoped for her sake that things would turn out better. However, the ending as written is much more realistic. I agree that this may be the best story of yours, which I've read.

    It would be awful to spend your life in darkness, learning to fear anything but that, and to only have the occasional love of your parent. I realize that this sort of treatment or worse was common to the period.

    An exceptional story and one that will probably be included in the anthology if we are successful.

    Thanks for entering Exceptional Stories To Be Published

    Andy


  • Neolittlefish
    October 14, 2008

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    wow, that was fantastic, i loved the character of Lilith and you painted her so vividly in my imagination. I also really liked the Dutch part's, it just made the story that bit more real!


  • JessiesDaughter silver member
    October 10, 2008

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    Fantastic!!

    If not for this group, I would not have read this story. I must continue to broaden my horizons. This was awesome. I am not a fan of Vampire stories but this was so well written and so gripping, that I could not put it down.

    Dutch, though I don't understand a word, added rather than detracted from the story for me. The language set the mood, understanding the words became secondary for me.

    I thought using medical conditions to build a solid case for Lillth being a vampire was very good. The you interjectd the voices that urged her to kill. Was she a medical aonymity or did I witness the birth of a Vampire?

    Great read, I hope plan on doing more.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Fearless.
    September 29, 2008

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    Wow then! That was so good! But it was seriously scary as well...didn't stop me liking it though! Keep it up and good luck!

    ~Devil Angel~


  • Valkyrie silver member
    September 7, 2008

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    Wow...

    Wow...

    Wow.

    Can I get a WOW, people? Let me hear a WOW!

    Did I mention, wow? Cuz, wow.

    My favorite parts were the Dutch-language words you added, and the actual medical conditions. I recognized the Scandinavian-ity of the words, and I thought you might be angling for vampires by the girl's description alone, but I couldn't tell where the story would end up. What an awesome tale. The plausibility factor is what gets the Wow. *shivers with delicious creepiness* And I'm not one for horror and vampires and such. This, though, this is something different, really. Something infinitely more awesome to me.
    One line kind of made me double-take: In P86, poise, did you mean pose? Because poise will work too, but pose is what I first thought you meant.
    Anyway, (add several dozen more wows here) I love it, if you couldn't tell. Thank you SO MUCH for entering this awesome story in my contest. How long might I have been forced to wait to read its brilliance, else?


  • Vampiric souls
    August 26, 2008
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    allready commented and I still think that this is great!!
    Thanks for entering!!!


  • Kagamine Rin
    August 24, 2008

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    This was amazing! I read it all teh way from start to finish! It also helped set the mood while I was lsitening to music in the background. I saw no spelling mistakes whatsoever! None!

    Most of the time while I was reading this, I had no clue what words where rich. The says, "Moeder" and "Beschemer" really surprised me, for, I did not know what it was. XP

    The vocabulary and description blew me away! I loved this story so much. You're truly a great writer.

    This is going on my finalists list. I wish you luck!

    =


  • Night Terrors
    August 19, 2008

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    wow this was extremly creative. I like how you made the Lith so human but so unhumsn st the dame time. I wish you would do more with this. It is so creative I bet it would make a great novel. You have the perfect old world feel to this as well. You make it seem as though this could have actaully been a real myth. I love every part of this. Thanks so much for entering and congrades on becoming a finalist.


  • Myra La-Ryn
    August 3, 2008
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    Really good. The concept as albinos being the foundation for vampirism is great! Really well thought out. Good to see this piece again.

  • Myra La-Ryn
    July 23, 2008

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    Gripping.

    This is really good and well done. You obviously did your research. The characters were well done and developed as was the general disapproval of the townspeople. The Dutch was a nice touch and so was the lead poisoning. Good work.
    If you want to be considered for my contest, please put your favorite movie in the AN as requested. Thanks!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    July 17, 2008

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    This is a wonderful story. I'd figured out the albanism, cleft plate, and sun alergy before reading the A/N (I like to read up on that kind of stuff myself) and I love how you use them to explain the myths beginning of vampires. The lead plates were an amazing stroke of genious as a catalist to set everything in motion. Its kinda sad in a way that they killed off disabled infints, I would have been killed myself (blind as I was and to a degree still am). This has to be one of the most thoughtful and thought provoking stories I have read in a long time. Really will be reading more of your stuff (no I'm not going to say that then not do it, I'm a reader of my word). Happy I decided to read this.

    Phoenix


  • eyeambaldman
    July 10, 2008
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    This story kicked ass! Fantastic prose and flow. You really have an awesome grasp of language in your writing. I loved it from beginning to end. I really think this piece needs to be sen this off somewhere. Fantastic! Excellent work!


  • ainshbu
    July 8, 2008

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    i have no words to express this greatness (bows) it was fexcellently written with a great history very cool

  • sugarrrainbow silver member
    July 7, 2008

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    Woah!
    This is very original and a really, really cool idea!\
    I can't even say how awesome this, there are no words!
    Amazing, great job!


  • Lady-Jane
    July 5, 2008
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    Even though this isn't the normal style i like, i relay enjoyed this Great work!
    -bri

  • demonp3n
    July 4, 2008

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    I loved the imagry in this, and the originality. I love the fact that you used a deformed human to portray the legends of vampires. I agree, this could very well have happened. Amazing, simply and utterly amazing.

    Good luck in the contest!


  • Friesian
    July 4, 2008

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    Wow

    This was very original and gorgeously written! I LOVE how you used actual medical conditions instead of making up your own, plus showing the reader how people treated others with these conditions in the far past. Very disturbing yet beautiful, as an innocent child didn't die and instead, turned to be the killer. Interesting! Excellent job! Very thought-provoking and imaginative!

    -Lissy


  • Drac
    July 2, 2008

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    Not sure what song in my contest this was inspired by, and it probably wasn't inspired by any of them, but one of the songs is named Heart of Lilith, so I can see it ;D I really like this story... It's gruesome and horrific in many ways, but above all it's really well written =)
    Being from Scandinavia myself, I giggled at the mention of rigsdaler (we had those in Norway, but it sounds silly to me for some reason =P) , but apart from that I liked most of the non-English words. The story is well thought of and well written down, and I like it a lot =)
    Very well done here, good job =)

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Naive.
    June 27, 2008

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    You know, I really enjoyed this because it breaks the mold from the typical cliche dark vampire stories and such. This piece was actually original, beautifully written, intriguing, well-thought out, extremely descriptive (I'm a sucker for great description! =]), and creative. The Author Notes helped explain a lot, and I admire your knowledge on the subject you wrote about. Amazing job. =D

    Thanks for entering my contest and good luck!

    -jj


  • Taylor Renee
    June 19, 2008

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    This was absolutely fantastic.

    I loved it. It was written extraordinarily with a great, great plot, and aamzing descriptions.

    I just don't know what to say.

    Amazing.

    Great work, and thank you so much for entering my contest. I wish you the best of luck!

    xoxo
    -♥-
    Tay


  • Vampiric souls
    June 17, 2008
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    woah this is really really good and interesting!!! very descriptive and just great !!!

  • nadalbaby
    June 16, 2008
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    This was really cool!


  • Missi
    June 2, 2008

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    This was a very interesting, I really loved the discriptions they were terrific
    Thanks for entering and good luck

    -Missi


  • ice wolf Greeters member
    May 29, 2008

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    Very good story. Thank you for entering. ^^ Good job. Ai' i'sul nora lanne'lle (May the wind fill your sails.) Keep penning. I loved the descriptions in this. ^_^ Good luck and thanks. Diola lle(Thank you.)
    Ice


  • Reaver Greeters member
    May 20, 2008

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    This was VERY well doen!!! I loved it! Your discriptions are amazing, though sometimes a bit overdone. Your flow adn structure are amazing. You are a rare talent! Thank you for the Authors note. It helped when i went back through again. Again.....VERY WELL DONE!!!!! LOVED IT!!


  • whichcraft Greeters member
    May 12, 2008

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    I liked your description and was drawn into the characters. I thought your story was well written. Good luck in the contest and thank you for entering.


  • Asfand
    May 10, 2008

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    Loved it ....


    i think that this is, over all, a fantastic, thrilling piece. your sense of description is amazing, and the phrasing was excellent throughout. i love how the girl was just misunderstood - and the superstitious people drove her to utter madness.

    despite your descriptions being one of the finest i have read in SW, i found them to be a bit too much at certain points -

    -->she manoeuvred the key into the corresponding lock with her right *instead of just saying she put the key into the lock*

    similiarly in other paragraphs, i found that i had to halt from the emotion and the action of the scene to linger on what you said, thus having a negative effect on even pacing of the story.
    and i do think that flow is really important.

    but as i said, a fine - fine piece.


  • Barbara Moderators member
    May 8, 2008

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    This is good. Chapter nine seemed a little rushed, though, almost like it was tacked on at the ending.
    The description is great, and the 'telling' of the story is enthralling.


  • moonwriter
    April 28, 2008
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    wow. This was amazing.

    Now that I have time to elaborate, I will. The imagery was breathtaking. I could see everything that was happening as it was happening, but it wasn't overdone. The character was really, really interesting. A blind character, huh? That was really original. I like that.

    I think that you have an incredible story here.


  • EphemeralStyle
    April 27, 2008

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    Woah. Very dark. And very educational. I didn't think this was about vampires I thought that Lilith was simply born with deformities until the end, where it said she was definitely 'the Devil's fallen child'. But I take it she really was just a poor kid who got killed because of ill-informed, fearful people. What a sad story.

    Very original, and interesting ^^

    Eph


  • checkmate-
    April 23, 2008

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    Wow. I love the way you describe everything. This is a very well written piece, and is very realistic in terms of vampires, which I usually can't believe. This was an awesome, original read. Good luck, keep writing, and thanks for entering!


  • dark-fantasies
    April 14, 2008

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    Oh, wow this was good. It was gripping and unpredictable, and drew me in right from the start. The details and descriptions were amazing, and your storyline was very interesting. For some odd reason, this didn't strike me as a vampire story till the very end, because it just seemed so believable. Overall, great job with this, and your ending was just fantastic. I also loved your use of foreign language in there- it really helped set the theme for your story. It didn't come across as dark or horror though, but this was still very well written. Fantastic job.

  • Done
    April 11, 2008

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    Okay....

    I generally despise the whole vampire genre, considering it mucho trite and overdone and quite honestly...silly. But I did enjoy this because it told the story about how foolish superstition sprung from ignorance serves to breed supernatural legend. I like that, being as how I'm big on reality. My father always told me that there are two sides to every story, and the truth is somewhere in between. So, you've got the mean-spirited superstitious bastards and the misunderstood throat-ripping pariahs vexing one another...and all because somebody couldn't bother to communicate their issues and meet in the middle of compromise and understanding. It's really quite sad.

    I enjoyed this because it serves to illuminate and educate as to the origin of foolish superstition that so often is simply romanticized ignorance of thick-headed folk.

    The imagery is great. You are a very descriptive writer and that is terrific because visualization is what reading fun is all about. You paint richly with your words. But if I must be honest, and I must, it sometimes(just a little bit) feels like a tad much. At a few points I felt the meticulous descriptions robbed a bit from flow and good pace. Some of it felt extraneous and weighed story movement down a smidge. But only in a few places. In all, I loved the imagery and the clear picture painted in my mind. I enjoyed seeing this story unfold. The use of obscure nomenclature I must say was distracting. I assume you were using such for authenticity and to give the piece a period feel, but I kept wondering again and again what these words were and what was their significance. Maybe a little more background interspersed throughout the storyline on your choice of terminology.

    All together, I enjoyed reading this. The ending seemed hasty in order to wrap it all up, I presume for a deadline?, but it doesn't have the same finesse as the earlier stages of writing, more like it was thrown together to end the story on time. But I did very much enjoy this, not so much for the genre, but for the excellent imagery and good writing. And no, I'm not just stroking you because you've been nice to me. I don't do that.

    Thanks, TB

    al


    • tallblondie gold member
      April 11, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Interestingly enough, I am in the process of rewritting the ending (section 9), to reflect the overall style of the piece. I was working to a deadline, and I took the easy (and thus lazy) way out by completing it in narrative.

      I needed to overuse some descriptive language to demonstrate Lilith's dependancy on only four senses - for someone blind, she would give extra attention to these other four, and thus so did I.

      The foreign words I used as a foil - to convince a reader to continue reading to discover their meanings, and what they meant to the story as a whole.

      Overall, thank you for a heartfelt, meaningful review.


  • Alone And Afraid
    April 10, 2008

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    this was very, very interesting. I think it had a nice plot to it. I was captivated from the start. keep writing, and good luck. *gives a four clover*


  • Immortal Flesh
    April 7, 2008

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    Should be a Movie!

    Wow, I must say you are not a good writer , you are a GREAt writer! This is like, superior work here!
    At first in the beginning when I was reading along, I was saying hmmm....this is like Hungarian or something. But it was just merely guesses in mind. Now I see, tht it is Scandinavian!
    It sounds like, or it is like, you knew what you were writing and describing. The description and your vision is top notch!
    Like I said before, Superior! Thank you for taking me into this dark and wonderful world of Lilith!


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    April 5, 2008

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    Well now, I am suitably impressed. Which isn't the easiest thing to accomplish. As a biologist, I recognized the medical symptoms readily enough, and as someone who is in love with mythology, I saw where you were taking this in the end. The way you've constructed it, however, was absolutely fantastic. I don't know if you need to number the sections (chapters? what would you call them?), but otherwise this entire thing flowed fantastically. It really makes me wonder, too, about the folklore ideal that ugliness is equated with evilness. In this case, how much of her evil qualities was thrust on her by the simple fact that everyone around her believed she was the devil's child? How much of her reactions were conditioned by their scorn and the way they treat here? Certainly some of it is attributable to the lead poisoning craziness, but if she had been treated as an angel, it is very likely that that same craziness could have resulted in a very different outcome. Just thinking. Anyways, this was an excellent read - one of the better ones I've found on SW, I think. Thanks for sharing!


  • Araina
    April 2, 2008

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    Awesome

    This was an amazing write. I loved the research and all the facts you put in your author notes as well. This kind of hit a personal note with me as well, since my father was born with CPL (Severe). After about 28 surgeries, he was able to live a normal life, so this story seemed especially sad to me. Wonderfully done.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Kari gold member
    April 2, 2008

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    Wow! This is very creepy and chilling. I was actually sad when it ended.
    I found myself wanting more!
    I also appreciate your author notes. That helped me to understand some parts I was going to ask about! lol.
    I really think that you did so well with this because of you going out of your norm.
    It's almost like acting. People who stay in their norm don't tend to get special awards etc.
    Those that step out of their norm go very high up mostly.
    Well done

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Audric Beaumont
    April 1, 2008

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    beautifully done.
    Your mastery of English is obvious as your sentences painted a vivid picture of what true vampires are. Alas, I have read only half but I shall save this piece and come back to it when I am less busy. My compliments so far as it is almost too painful to advert my eyes. I shall give you 3 applause for the story so far.

    ~OG


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    April 1, 2008

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    Truly one of the best ones I've read on SW. Beautifully detailed and you are after my onw heart, you used every sense. Not many can do that, but you have done it well.
    Great job.
    Brooke

    • tallblondie gold member
      April 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanx!
      Actually the fact the the character is blind forces the realisation that she must have to rely on her other senses. And as she was blind, all her POV's had to be done without visual references. Quite challenging, but I love challenges.

  • Immortal Flesh
    April 1, 2008
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    I have read a little of the beginning and see that it is a very long story which I have no problems reading. In fact I love reading long stories. Its just at this time it is late and I will be heading to bed soon. I definitely be coming back to this to give my respectful comment to something so grand as this, tht I promise you. and thank you for giving me heads up about it I do appreciate that very much! I look forward to reading it! My best to you tallblondie. I will return with a greater comment. I love to read!!!!!!!!!!!
    will be keeping in touch!
    Immortal Flesh

  • maria070495
    March 31, 2008
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    ths story is good lol i would give u a five 1-5 keep it u

  • Ghost of a Siren
    March 31, 2008

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    Amazing use of language, it gave it an old type of feel. The word useage was absolutely perfect, it conveyed everything wonderfully. I loved the dark feel of this piece.


  • grey2dragon
    March 31, 2008

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    this was very interesting. i love the fact that it was hinted to be a vampire story, but never actually just "spat out". it made the story subtle and dark, and the real Dutch added in gave it an authentic, esoteric feel. very nice job.

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