No one saw her.1
She was sitting alone on a park bench, her dark hair contrasting sharply with her fair skin, causing her to fit in with the stark landscape behind her. Light gray sky, dark feathery trees, white blossoming weeds adorning dark green grasses, a dark lake reflecting a light sky. She sat with her back to it all, not seeing. People passed her by, not seeing.2
She felt as low as she had ever been. She was a naturally dramatic person with distinct ups and downs, but in all of her dark times, she had always know that she would surface back into herself. But now she was out of touch with herself, and she felt as if she might never come back.3
How come no one noticed? The people who loved her, who saw her everyday, who knew her. No one saw, no one noticed, no one cared. She was tired of it all. Of caring that they didn't care, of noticing all the people in the world who did care, but not about her, of her own self-pity. She was ready for a change but she couldn't make it herself. It was all out of her hands and she hated the feeling.4
"What's wrong?"5
She looked up at the speaker, then immediately away, annoyed. He was a charming boy with dark hair and dark eyes, a ready smile, and a bright coffee cup with the Starbucks lady smiling down benevolently from its surface.6
He sat down next to her, ignoring her hostile look. He didn't sit too close, but draped his arm over the back of the bench, briefly patting her shoulder before dropping his hand behind the bench.7
She shifted forward, irritated by his familiarity, British accent, and audacity to add to the population of this earth.8
"If it's boy problems, love, I can end them right now."9
She finally looked out him, her temper evident in her eyes. He wasn't fazed, only serving to piss her off more. "Boys are the least of my problems."10
He nodded, and settled himself against the bench. "Good to know."11
She sighed; he wasn't going anywhere. She didn't know why she was so put off by him. Hadn't she wanted someone to notice? Someone she cared about, not some desperate stranger in need of a booty call. "Do you ever feel ignored?"12
He chuckled. "Yeah, just about a moment ago."13
She looked at him again. He put his hands up in surrender, sloshing brown liquid out of his cup. "Sorry. Go ahead."14
"Like when you really really need someone to see you?"15
He studied her. "Who are we talking about here, love?"16
She sighed resignedly and examined her fingernails. "My mom."17
There was silence. She looked up and almost laughed at the look on his face. That was clearly not the answer he expected.18
"Your mum?"19
"No. Mom. In America, we say, 'mom'."20
"Oh, piss off," he waved this away, spilling more coffee. "Why do you need her to notice you?"21
She suddenly realized how stupid she sounded and pursed her lips. Why had she bothered to come? Why had he bothered to join her? Why had she opened her mouth? Why did she care if she looked stupid in front of him?22
He sensed her withdrawal and put his hand on her shoulder again. "It doesn't matter anyway. I see you."23
She looked at him closely, wishing she could see deeper inside him. He looked back and she felt like he could see deep inside her. She moved slowly, shifting closer until she leaned lightly against him. They sat, seeing.
Author notes
Oranges are orange. (=
http://www.capturethisphotography.com/Photos/Mohawk_Park_bench_bw_2.jpg
A contest entry
- Prompt Anyone? by Mel-the-Believer.
100 points, ended April 14, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Two Days Only! Hit me with your best prewrite!!! by Princess Peaches.
111 points, ended April 28, 28 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Almost Anything Goes! by toolenduso.
450 points, ended July 13, 46 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Gah, that ending!
Very well-written. Good characters, great emotions, good description of back-story, good dialogue.
My biggest qualm is that ending! I think you should have taken this farther, it just seemed to seriously lack closure.
Other than that, however, very good job.
Funny thing, this is actually the second story I've had in the contest where a girl sitting on a bench is approached by a stranger. Thanks for entering!
Style: 9/10
Flow: 9/10
Uniqueness: 4/5
Readability: 7/7
Effect: 6/10
Lack of Errors: 3/3
Personal Score: 3/5
Total: 41/50 -
The description of the main character is more by her thoughts than anything else in the story. "No one saw her" is how the character feels. But it is presented as if the narrator is telling us literally that no one saw her. It would help the readability of the story if the narrator's voice and the voice of the character were distinct. Currently the reader has to do a little extra work interpreting to separate the two as they read.
. Rewarded 8
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that was very sweet and emotional. good job and characterization!
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awww, that was sweet
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Very nice piece - shows extreme sensitivity to human relationships. I liked it a lot. Your character's correction of "mom" and "mum" was funny, and you got the British accent down pat (although perhaps caricatured - not a negative statement, by the way). You have a nice mastery of dialogue, and also a fine sense of narrative. You don't overdo adjectives/adverbs or metaphors.
I have a few minor grammatical/style suggestions - hope you don't mind (see my profile why I do it).
para 2 - nice descriptions - you do mention "light sky" in two places in the same sentence - you might want to consider removing the first reference and adding "gray" to the latter.
para 3 - don't need a comma after "times". "know" should be "known" - a typo.
para 6 - just my suggestion - separate "annoyed" with a semi-colon. Try to avoid repeating the same words in a sentence - "dark" twice - try to substitute one of them with something else.
para 7 - same again with "bench".
Overall, I think a wonderful short! Well done!btw, I use Australian spelling (very close to British), but fortunately I didn't have to use the word "mum"!!!
. Rewarded 8
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That was way cute! Keep writing, I want more!
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I liked your word usage a lot - very picturesque. just one thing - your second sentence. i understand what you're doing but either rewrite it or rephrase it cos it's not a sentence and that kinda put me off for a second. overall though, great short story. i liked it a lot.
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Lovely story ^_^ It took me in from the first bit, wonderful job.
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Awww. I wish it wouldn't end! This was so sweet and simple, yet deep all the same. What a pleasure to read!
. Rewarded 4
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Good story, good visualizatio
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A sweet little story!
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Wow, that was good. =]
It made me laugh, and at the end it made me smile.
I wish there was more to it.
Keep writing! -
I seriously laughed out LOUD when she was saying "No. Mom. In America, we say, 'mom" . It was just hilarious, and I totally have that in my head when some English person says mum. Haah. Great story, i liked it a lot!
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I love this story!!! It is so real! Is it??? I love it!!! Great job!!!! Keep writing!!!
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Wow, this was so serene and pretty! I loved it! Especially how much of the main character's thoughts you show. The scene really moves in my mind, your flow in the story is amazing. I really liked the tone, and the setting was fabulous, especially the way you made the main character match it. Wonderful job!
. Rewarded 6
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Very nice. Stark, simple, elegant. I honestly enjoyed this. Great last line, too.
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This was really good. I like where you took the prompt. Sometimes it just takes one person to notice us too. Nice story. I really liked it. God Bless!
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