The smooth, cold walls resemble milled marble, sanded by the feet of a million worshippers. The dark blue vein throbs with a dull luminosity, guiding the gentle specks of dust in ever decreasing circles.1
There is no seam. There is no cut. There appears to be no edge.2
The wall becomes the floor, but the non-elucidean geometry confuses the eye and it becomes impossible to distinguish the floor from the ceiling, despite the obvious separate presence of the walls.3
The main body of the marble is a mottled green-grey, resembling the bark of a tree gnarled by countless aeons, forgotten in the bleak dullness.4
There are no shadows, only movements; slow and rhythmic, yet chaotic and suggestive of regression. There is no focus, just an expanse that is impossible to truly grasp. It is as if an understanding of the whole is felt before an experience of any aspect of it is felt.5
In the eternity of a moment, measured by the throbbing of the blue vein, a passage becomes apparent. Whether it formed or had previously been unnoticed is unclear, but its presence creates a soft calm against the dull oppression of the bleak surrounding encasement.6
In the distance, echoed from within, comes a solemn deafening whisper.
A contest entry
- March's New Member's Contest by SW Greeters.
350 points, ended April 1, 2008, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
How do you feel about the non-specific protagonist? I wanted to create something that feels almost like a mixture between first and second person perspective.
Comments
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This has a subtle sense of taking place in an alcove away from the regularities of life - as if this place you have described is waiting in the wings for action to burst in upon it.
Interesting use of the narrative POV, and the last line begs for growth of this piece into something larger.
Keep writing and good luck in the contest!
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Well, this is a very nice description of a place, or a moment in time. Not a lot is happening in it so far, but it has the feel of a moment ready to happen, like a runner balanced on the balls of his feet before taking off.
I didn't particularly get a blended first and second person perspective, but that might be because it is hard to have first person perspective without a person... *laughs* I hope you're thinking of continuing this! It has a very interesting and possibly mercurial feel to it, and I think you could mold it into any number of fabulous stories. Best of luck in the contest!
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I understand that the mass of oxymorons and paradoxes create a really strange position at the moment, but I do plan on expanding this story further.
I'm consciously avoiding a protagonist at the moment, and instead using the narration to create a void where the protagonist should be. Later in the story, I feel that a protagonist will emerge from this void: quite possibly Lovecraft's great god itself.
Thanks to everyone for their comments! -
Hmm.
I felt that the description here is interesting, but I was at a loss as to what is being described. I didn't really feel that there was a protagonist. I really needed something solid to grasp.
Thanks for entering the new member contest. I hope you are enjoying Storywrite.
Andy
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I see where you were going with this and I like your description. I just found it to be rather confusing and not sure what route you were taking. Maybe if it was a longer piece so that everything would be brought to light later on in the story. Otherwise, the writing was good.
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You already know what I think of this, but I wanted to be your first comment. I love that you have tried something different with this piece. Good luck on developing this.
xxxxxx
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