My love((re edited))

"Please,oh,please,"
Cried the sun,
Bleeding red,
Oh god,
I know I'm dead,
I carved your name into the bullet so everyone will know,
You were the last thing I thought of now ,1

You fucked up my mental health,
Good for you,
You didn't let me be,
You pulled me towards you only to push me back,
You left me dead inside,2

You kissed me,
making my heart beat stumble,
As my empired crumpled.
Your smile was soft and forgiving,
Your eyes were feirce and cold,3

Every thing you do,
Costs me the most,
My only friend is Hate,
you,
You were the fuel to my fire,
You were the love of my life,
You were the bruises to my beatings, 4

It was your daily greating,5

Your lies were the things that

Asphyxiated my words,6

And you were the gun to my head, 7

You saw my corpse,
You saw it blue,
My pale eye's staring at you,
I saw your eye's,
I watched you cry,
And right before I died,
You said goodbye,8

You saw me smile,
To this bleeding sensation,
You made me fall in love with you.
And even in this feild of innocent lies, I lay
I will wait for you, 9

and yet again
my hands with tremble for you,
And once I am in your grasp,
The hells fire will hold me back,10

But still I'll wait for you,11

Trapped in my icy prison for you, 12

Only allow to watch as you pass by, 13

Only allowed to long for your touch,14

Your touch abusive or loving,15

Wishing to hear your words,16

Harsh and agressive or caring and soft,17

as long as it's you.18

 19

This is demons play,20

keeping me from you,  21

Making me lay in my bed of morphine,22

we'll never be happy dead or alive,23

Then I'll wait for you,24

 And only you. 25

 26

To my love,
from the dead.27

Author notes

13,Female, No one can make you feel inferior without your permission

Okie this is sorta what I would imagine a suicide note to be if he victim was from an abusive relationship Dead and alive.

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments


  • On.Cue
    March 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You seemed to be going in and out of the "zone" while writing this. Few stanzas had amazing rhythm to it as well as flow. But many of the stanzas seemed like you were straining to make it work.

    I would suggest you fix up or get rid of the first stanza. Also, be sure to single space the lines in each stanza.

    My rule for a poem is that never try and force yourself to write what isn't engraved deep into your heart. Write only what freely flows out of your heart and it will all work out nicely. =)

    I'll add you to the finalist list, but if you want to place, I suggest that you fix it up as best as you can, whether it be deleting, adding, or editing--if you want to win, that is.

    Good luck =)