a love story?

A flash of flaming curls, a glint of emerald eyes and maybe, just maybe, a hint of a smile? Yes! It was a smile! It was a real smile, more than a grin, rows of milk-white teeth, perfectly straight, so perfectly Perfect. That brilliant smile lit up the room like a new sun after a spring rain. My heart didn’t skip a beat; rather I’m certain it must have stopped altogether. Soon I would die from it, but happy if I did. I had made her smile. My life was as good as complete. To illicit that angelic smirk -- the head held high, the eyes squinted, but only just barely so -- was more than I had ever dared to dream of. Einstein could keep his theorems, Nostradamus could keep his book, and Da Vinci his Mona Lisa, for such accomplishments were now insignificant. I had made her smile! Surely years, decades and centuries from now students of the fine arts would learn not of Monet and Gauguin, but of the day she smiled. My life was complete. The way I figured it, this was the best thing that had ever happened to me, or ever would. With my luck, it could only get worse from there.1

But it didn’t.2

I was still struck dumb. I tried to tell her how beautiful she was, how I loved her. I wanted to ask her to marry me. If only I could tell her I wanted kids, a minivan, and a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence. I could spend the rest of my life searching the world for the words, the language, to tell her how perfect she was, without ever succeeding. 3

My mouth wouldn't work. My jaw, my face, my entire body was frozen in place ... 4

...5

... And then she moved.6

The Moscow Ballet, a gazelle in full sprint, a falcon on the hunt, and all of the world's grace were described in her first step.7

For the second step, no words suffice.8

My brain reeled, shocked. Why was she moving? Towards me? Why was she looking at me? Surely, surely, she realized that the smile alone was an undeserved grace for one such as me. Yet even still, she moved towards me.9

Her eyes -- pools of emerald mixed with a hint of sunlight through the trees -- locked onto mine. In her eyes, I saw a treasure to satisfy the world. I saw kindness, love, and wisdom enough to cure the world’s ills. I saw dreams and hopes, a glimpse of sadness, and grief that pierced my heart. I saw laughter in the sun. I saw peace.10

Then she wrapped her arms around me. Every point of contact sent a bolt of electricity surging through me. My heart sprang from stopped cold to racing like a Thoroughbred. I was dead. I had to be. This wasn’t possible in the real world. The laws of physics, gravity, space and time; this had to be in direct defiance.11

And then …12

And then she kissed me. 13

It felt like being struck by lightning in the middle of a pool. It was like jumping off a cliff, no pain, but that sudden feeling that I’d forgotten my stomach somewhere “back there.” It hit me like a truck. At the same time it was so delicate, so faint, that it could easily have been a dream that would be forgotten as soon as it ended. Like a trace of a memory in my mind. Her lips -- softer than a bed on a rainy morning, fragile and slight as a memory -- brushed my cheek, and warmly lingered for an eternal instant.14

Then she spoke. Her words rang as clearly as a church bell on an autumn morning, despite their whispered refrain.15

“I missed you.”16

In that moment, my mouth and thoughts were emancipated. As she took the bouquet, it dulled to dinginess by her mere proximity. Everything I wanted to say came tumbling out with the eagerness and anxiousness of a child on Christmas morn.17

I told her how much I loved her. (More than time is long or the sky is wide) I stumbled over the words telling her how beautiful she was. I told her I wanted to spend my life with her, and grow to old age without ever leaving her side.18

Before I had time to consider the fact that she would likely say no, I found myself on one knee before her. I held the ring (nowhere near as big as it should have been) out towards her. My hands trembled only slightly more violently than the rest of me, threatening to drop the gold and diamond band.19

Of course, there was absolutely no way that -- "Yes." -- she'd ever even think for a moment about...20

I blinked.
“What’d you say?”21

She laughed miraculously, and in that instant it all dawned upon me. I felt like I was standing in an open field watching the most incredible storm ever witnessed. The sky sphered out above and around me, painted with thunderclouds and rain and lightning. That’s about how massive the realization was.22

She held out one hand and I clumsily slipped the ring onto her finger ...23

... wrong finger ...24

I did, however, get it right the second time.2625

As I stood there, tears streaming down my face, staring at her, I wanted to say something to tell her that I would take care of her forever, protect her from anything bad, and provide all she could want. Instead, I just kissed her.26

Author notes

for the contest, this pretty much fits option #1, or so i thought. if not, let me know, and thanks.


well, many people have told me a should try and branch out (my mother and sisters mainly, they worry about my reading habits (clancy and ludlum)) so to stay awake through texas government this morning, i wrote this. it's pretty much pure fiction, i've practically no experience in this department. but to tell you the truth, i like this piece. (this ^ was around 2005-2006 ish, i think.)

Postscript:

well, some time after the original writing, i've finally come back for grammar and spell checking, as well as some very limited editing (the thunderstorm part is the only non-original portion.) i feel it's very important that i maintain this piece's original form, because it is pure that way. this is basically just me sitting down and pouring out my hopes and dreams for my future, in a story form. don't get me wrong, these people still aren't based on real people in any way whatsoever. and i wrote this from a position of never having been in any kind of serious relationship at all. honestly, when i wrote this, i'd never even been on a date. and i think that's what defines this piece, the sense of anticipation i poured into it at the time of writing. i will always treasure this piece because it represented a time before i knew what to expect, before any of the magic had been replaced by boringness or everyday elements. this is an image of an innocent view of true love.

and that's what it is folks. enjoy if you can, and let me know what you think please.

Post-Postscript Script:

after an intensive overhaul with the help of my wonderful editor tonialoise, here is the story again. a lot has been changed, in my opinion for the better, and some may still be changed. so there.


(this is the contest section

umm... favorite movie... either "shooter" or "The Third Man."

In a list

A contest entry

what did you think of this honestly?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 31 of 31

  • Love Dreamer
    November 13
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    It was honestly awesome, I loved it great work


  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    October 29

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    Wow! I think that this was a beautiful write! I really like this and you did an outstanding job with emotion and detail I felt like I was there watching the scene play out... like I was the narrator. Great work indeed, truly. Thank you for entering the contest

    Pixie


  • twilight2411
    October 14
    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful story and well written. Thank you for entering!


  • Sheilasbabygal4life
    October 9
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    Amazing. enjoyed it. Thank you for entering and bes tof luck!


  • RedHearts
    September 15
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    This was really good.. the descriptions were awesome This story is beautiful.


  • Neolittlefish
    May 21

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    That was lovley and romantic, I loved the beginning and the way he is immediately so infatuated with her. Well done and thanks for entering.


  • hyperactive1344
    May 13
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    This was beautiful and very poetic, I liked it alot! Thanks for entering

    Good luck!


  • HaydenLautner
    May 4

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    This was beautiful, such a romantic love story. I love how he descibes her. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck


  • Valkyrie silver member
    April 30

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    Very well emoted. Every move She makes is ringed with angels singing and flowers blooming... At first, I assumed he did not know her very well, because of the "it'll go downhill from here" comment, so that kinda ended up being a bit misleading. But I like the thrill of hope and rampant rapture that pervades this piece. It's sadly a fleeting portion, IMO, of love, but it's nice to read such a well-captured description of it.


  • caitecola
    February 27

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    Well, this is very good.... but you didn't put in the requirement of tea or coffee in your others notes. You can comment back and say if you like because I LOVE THIS PIECE and do not want to disqualify you as something as silly as that. This, is, in fact one of the truest stories of fiction that I've ever read. It's so true, so perfect, in all sense... It's beautiful. You're a talented writer. Thank you for entering.


  • Lady Kay
    February 27

    Edit | Reply

    Thank You

    Thank you for entering my contest. Your words are beautiful. Descriptive and stunning for every letter. However, you must proofread your work.

    2: Capitalize But

    That's all I can find. I loved this story. It's soooooo touching! I can feel the guys nervousness. I can feel the characters emotions! Amazing job. Absolutely amazing!



    Your Rating: 95 out of 100
    Ratings might change, but this is the last one until judging.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.


  • Bernice DeLucchi gold member
    February 17
    Edit | Reply
    What a wonderful way you have with words! Your descriptions and the pace you set with this story was terrific! There are some corrections needed, but at the moment, I am a bit pressed for time. However, if you'd like my suggestions, just let me know.
    Regards
    Bernic


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    February 16

    Edit | Reply

    Hi McKenzie!

    This story has been recommended for a Storywrite anthology we hope to publish soon. If you'd like it to be included in the anthology, please apply to this group:

    http://storywrite.com/group/show/Storywrite+Anthology+Volume+One

    Andy


  • Sgs
    November 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This was awesome, very well done. Keep on writing!


  • tonialoise
    November 19, 2008

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    Wow!

    I have to tell you I was simply mesmerized while reading this. Oh, I saw a bunch of things that I would normally stop reading and correct but I just couldn't. I couldn't leave the beauty of the description.

    For that reason I can't really go into a detailed critique (if you really want one message me and I'll go over it in detail)
    Generally I'll just point out there were a few little things that obviously didn't distract from the piece but could be fixed if you wanted to polish it.

    The first couple paragraphs, while beautifully stunning in their descriptions had some redundancies which almost made me give up thinking it would be just the same thing over and over. However, you moved on which was quite nicely done.

    Grammar wise, it seems you use a lot of commas and hardly and conjunctions so the sentences become a bit run on. Also there's some capitalization needed for the first word in some of the sentences, especially towards the end. There were also a few words you capitalized that generally aren't. I understand you may have done this for emphasis and without being able to use italics this is probably ok.

    So otherwise it was quite lovingly written and I hope your future proposal (when you find someone deserving) is as wonderful as this moment you've written.

    This was my favorite line; Einstein could keep his theorems, Nostradamus could keep his book, Da Vinci his Mona Lisa, for such accomplishments paled to insignificance.


  • quicksilver moon
    November 17, 2008

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    The descriptions are so stunningly beautiful. I love how poetic and romantic the whole piece of writing is. Great work, loved it


  • Atticus Unanimous
    November 2, 2008
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    This piece I found was impossibly beautiful and perfect. I read this and from the very beginning I knew I'd found something I'd never even knew I was looking for. You've penned marvelousness here. Your characters were intense and subtly funny. I liked them. I'd love to add this to my finalists list.


  • Artificial.Smiles. gold member
    November 2, 2008

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    awww this was so cute!
    there a few spots that could be improved, but i thought the main concept was adorable! i loved it!

    Good Luck in my contest!


  • Just Falling Apart
    October 3, 2008
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    woah...

    I am absolutly speechless. Great work! Oh my gosh, you could really shock some girls with this peice. You shocked me and I don't even know you! Great peice! I like how detailed it is and how the words are like poerty. If you ever showed this to a girl you liked I'm sure her heart would stop. So good!!! I love it!


  • Cadburry melted
    October 1, 2008

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    since ur a boy, i'm guessing. this is pretty great actually lol. i was really rapped ya kno. how cute it was him fumbling on his words. recheck tho u got letter mixed up.

  • KarlineKelton
    September 30, 2008

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    Incredible!!!

    Oh My GOD! If a man would love me just 1/2 as much as this one loves his woman, I WOULD DIE COMPLETE! Beautiful piece. I love it! The description, the emotions, everything is amazing!
    Comgrats. KK

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.

  • almostemo1
    September 28, 2008
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    im stoned

    i must be stoned for i didn't smile. I laughed...


  • Ssmm silver member
    September 28, 2008
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    ugh, i know. as soon as i get word, and some more time away from colege, i plan to run all these through and edit them. i hate the way these look, but i just haven't had time to edit much lately.


  • Dreama
    September 28, 2008
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    i liked this, and i am a hopeless romantic. i was smiling almost as soon as i started reading it. it was well written as a story, but the punctuation was- well, i'm sorry but- awful. and where are your capital letters? LOL but i did really like this, maybe you should try branching out a bit more often


  • Melancholic Smile
    August 25, 2008

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    You have a great use of imagery and some great and beautiful descriptions in this story. This could be such a great piece but right now it is spoiled because of the grammatical errors making it harder to read and not flow so good. Run spell check there are quite a few errors. Capitalise each sentence, each new sentence starts with a capital letter. I should always be I not i. If you clear up these mistakes this will flow so much nicer Despite the grammatical problems I have to say this is really beautiful.

    • Ssmm silver member
      August 25, 2008
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      yeah, the grammar is pretty much... trashy but hey, i wrote this in a severely sleep deprived state, and i pretty much took it straight from the notebook.


  • WillyLee
    April 26, 2008

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    Pretty good story, kind of poetic, smart, and funny. I think you use "illicit" but you mean "elicit," and "thikn" for "think." Some puctuation errors, but I enjoyed reading.


  • Scop Christiana
    April 18, 2008
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    This is the second time I read this. It is so good.


  • Oddems.
    April 5, 2008

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    The writing was beautiful! You described every thing perfectly and made it seem as if I were the guy who had just had ll his wishes granted. You are an amazing writer, please continue to!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Miss Belligerence
    April 2, 2008

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    this is really pretty. I loved the imagery, it was very original (in my opinion) with the "...and then she moved.6

    The Moscow Ballet, a gazelle in full sprint, a falcon on the hunt, all of the World's grace was described in Her first step.7

    for the second step, there are no words"
    this was just so pretty. I'm glad you did decide to branch out, this is a great piece of work! good job
    -gibson

  • Kalamina
    March 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I liked it too. The lay out of the story made it a little hard to read. Your capitalization needs some work, but your description was really well done, and your idea's well expressed.

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