A flash of flaming curls, a glint of emerald eyes. And maybe, just maybe, a hint of a smile? Yes! It is a smile! A real smile, more than a grin, rows of milk-white teeth, perfectly straight, so perfectly Perfect. That brilliant smile lit up the room like a new sun after a spring rain. My heart didn't skip a beat; rather I’m certain it must have stopped altogether. Soon I would die from it. But happy if I did. I had made her smile. My life was as good as complete. To illicit that angelic smirk, -the head held high, the eyes squinted, but only just barely so, - was more than I had ever dared to dream of. Einstein could keep his theorems, Nostradamus could keep his book, Da Vinci his Mona Lisa, for such accomplishments paled to insignificance. I had made Her smile! Surely years and decades and centuries from now students of finest art would be told not of Monet and Gauguin, but of the day She smiled. My life was complete. The way I figured it, this was the best thing that had ever happened to me, or ever would. With my luck, it could only get worse from there.1
but it didn't.2
I was still struck dumb. I wanted to tell her how beautiful she was. Tell her how I loved her. Ask her to marry me. Tell Her I wanted kids and a minivan, a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence. Tell her that I could spend the rest of my life searching the world for the words, the language to tell her how perfect she was.3
But my mouth wouldn't work. My jaw, my face, my entire body was frozen in place...4
...5
...and then she moved.6
The Moscow Ballet, a gazelle in full sprint, a falcon on the hunt, all of the World's grace was described in her first step.7
For the second step, there are no words.8
My brain was reeling, shocked. Why was she moving? Towards me? Why was she looking at me? Surely, surely she realized that the smile alone was an undeserved grace for one such as me. Yet even still, she moved towards me.9
Her eyes, -deep pools of emerald mixed with a hint of sunlight through the trees, - locked on mine. And in Her eyes, I saw treasure to satisfy the world. I saw kindness, love, and wisdom enough to cure the world's ills. I saw dreams and hopes. A glimpse of sadness and grief that pierced my heart. I saw laughter in the sun. I saw peace.10
And then she wrapped her arms around me. Every point of contact sent a bolt of electricity surging through me. My heart sprang from stopped cold to racing like a Thoroughbred. I was dead. I had to be. This wasn't possible in the real world. The laws of physics, gravity, space and time, this had to be in direct defiance.11
And then…12
And then she kissed me. 13
It felt like being struck by lightning in the middle of a pool. it was like jumping off a cliff, no pain, but that sudden feeling that I’d forgotten my stomach somewhere "back there." it hit me like a truck, but at the same time it was so delicate, so faint that it could easily have been a dream, forgotten as soon as it ended, just a trace of a memory in your mind. her lips, -softer than your bed on a rainy morning, fragile and slight as a memory,- brushed my cheek, warmly lingering for an eternal instant.14
Then she spoke, her words ringing as clearly as a church bell on an autumn morning, despite their whispered refrain.15
"I missed you."16
In that moment, my mouth and thoughts were emancipated. As she took the bouquet, dulling it to dinginess by mere proximity, everything I wanted to say came tumbling out with the eagerness and anxiousness of children on Christmas morn. 17
I told her how much I loved her. (More than time is long or the sky is wide)18
I stumbled over the words telling her how beautiful she was.19
I told her I wanted to spend my life with her, grow to old age without ever leaving her side.20
And before I had time to consider the fact that she was going to say no, I found myself on one knee before her, the ring (nowhere near as big as it should have been), held out towards her, my hands trembling only slightly more violently than the rest of me, threatening to drop the gold and diamond band. 21
Of course, there was absolutely no way that -"yes."- she'd ever even think for a moment about...22
I blinked.
"What’d you say?"23
She laughed miraculously, and in that second, it all dawned upon me. I felt like I was standing in an open field watching the most incredible storm ever witnessed. The sky sphered out above and around me, painted with thunderclouds and rain and lightning. That’s about how massive the realization was.
She held out one hand and I clumsily slipped the ring onto her finger...24
...wrong finger...25
I did, however, get it right the second time.26
As I stood there, tears streaming down my face, staring at her, I wanted to say something to tell her that I would take care of her forever, protect her from anything bad, provide all she could want. But instead, I just kissed her.
Author notes
(for contest: "when the going gets tough, eat bagels!" which is odd for me, seeing as i'm more of a donut person. i love icing... anyways, no one has a real name in this story, thus no starting with the letters you listed. but i did in fact read the rules, and i am pretty certain i comprehended them.)
well, many people have told me a should try and branch out (my mother and sisters mainly, they worry about my reading habits (clancy and ludlum)) so to stay awake through texas government this morning, i wrote this. it's pretty much pure fiction, i've practically no experience in this department. but to tell you the truth, i like this piece.
Postscript:
well, some time after the original writing, i've finally come back for grammar and spell checking, as well as some very limited editing (the thunderstorm part is the only non-original portion.) i feel it's very important that i maintain this piece's original form, because it is pure that way. this is basically just me sitting down and pouring out my hopes and dreams for my future, in a story form. don't get me wrong, these people still aren't based on real people in any way whatsoever. and i wrote this from a position of never having been in any kind of serious relationship at all. honestly, when i wrote this, i'd never even been on a date. and i think that's what defines this piece, the sense of anticipation i poured into it at the time of writing. i will always treasure this piece because it represented a time before i knew what to expect, before any of the magic had been replaced by boringness or everyday elements. this is an image of an innocent view of true love.
and that's what it is folks. enjoy if you can, and let me know what you think please.
In a list
A contest entry
- Touch Me! (Not a erotic type of contest) lol by x3mydarkesthourx3.
100 points, ended November 2, 26 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Where is the love? by Aelphaba Atticus.
325 points, ended November 16, 32 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
what did you think of this honestly?
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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This was awesome, very well done. Keep on writing!
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Wow!
I have to tell you I was simply mesmerized while reading this. Oh, I saw a bunch of things that I would normally stop reading and correct but I just couldn't. I couldn't leave the beauty of the description.
For that reason I can't really go into a detailed critique (if you really want one message me and I'll go over it in detail)
Generally I'll just point out there were a few little things that obviously didn't distract from the piece but could be fixed if you wanted to polish it.
The first couple paragraphs, while beautifully stunning in their descriptions had some redundancies which almost made me give up thinking it would be just the same thing over and over. However, you moved on which was quite nicely done.
Grammar wise, it seems you use a lot of commas and hardly and conjunctions so the sentences become a bit run on. Also there's some capitalization needed for the first word in some of the sentences, especially towards the end. There were also a few words you capitalized that generally aren't. I understand you may have done this for emphasis and without being able to use italics this is probably ok.
So otherwise it was quite lovingly written and I hope your future proposal (when you find someone deserving) is as wonderful as this moment you've written.
This was my favorite line; Einstein could keep his theorems, Nostradamus could keep his book, Da Vinci his Mona Lisa, for such accomplishments paled to insignificance.
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The descriptions are so stunningly beautiful. I love how poetic and romantic the whole piece of writing is. Great work, loved it
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This piece I found was impossibly beautiful and perfect. I read this and from the very beginning I knew I'd found something I'd never even knew I was looking for. You've penned marvelousness here. Your characters were intense and subtly funny. I liked them. I'd love to add this to my finalists list.
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awww this was so cute!
there a few spots that could be improved, but i thought the main concept was adorable! i loved it!
Good Luck in my contest! -
woah...
I am absolutly speechless. Great work! Oh my gosh, you could really shock some girls with this peice. You shocked me and I don't even know you! Great peice! I like how detailed it is and how the words are like poerty. If you ever showed this to a girl you liked I'm sure her heart would stop. So good!!! I love it!
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since ur a boy, i'm guessing. this is pretty great actually lol. i was really rapped ya kno. how cute it was him fumbling on his words. recheck tho u got letter mixed up.
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Incredible!!!
Oh My GOD! If a man would love me just 1/2 as much as this one loves his woman, I WOULD DIE COMPLETE! Beautiful piece. I love it! The description, the emotions, everything is amazing!
Comgrats. KK
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im stoned
i must be stoned for i didn't smile. I laughed... -
ugh, i know. as soon as i get word, and some more time away from colege, i plan to run all these through and edit them. i hate the way these look, but i just haven't had time to edit much lately.
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i liked this, and i am a hopeless romantic. i was smiling almost as soon as i started reading it. it was well written as a story, but the punctuation was- well, i'm sorry but- awful. and where are your capital letters? LOL but i did really like this, maybe you should try branching out a bit more often
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You have a great use of imagery and some great and beautiful descriptions in this story. This could be such a great piece but right now it is spoiled because of the grammatical errors making it harder to read and not flow so good. Run spell check there are quite a few errors. Capitalise each sentence, each new sentence starts with a capital letter. I should always be I not i. If you clear up these mistakes this will flow so much nicer
Despite the grammatical problems I have to say this is really beautiful.
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yeah, the grammar is pretty much... trashy but hey, i wrote this in a severely sleep deprived state, and i pretty much took it straight from the notebook.
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Pretty good story, kind of poetic, smart, and funny. I think you use "illicit" but you mean "elicit," and "thikn" for "think." Some puctuation errors, but I enjoyed reading.
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This is the second time I read this. It is so good.
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The writing was beautiful! You described every thing perfectly and made it seem as if I were the guy who had just had ll his wishes granted. You are an amazing writer, please continue to!
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this is really pretty. I loved the imagery, it was very original (in my opinion) with the "...and then she moved.6
The Moscow Ballet, a gazelle in full sprint, a falcon on the hunt, all of the World's grace was described in Her first step.7
for the second step, there are no words"
this was just so pretty. I'm glad you did decide to branch out, this is a great piece of work! good job
-gibson
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I liked it too. The lay out of the story made it a little hard to read. Your capitalization needs some work, but your description was really well done, and your idea's well expressed.
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