Dark Obession (Part One)

Some suicides are never recorded, especially suicides of the heart. The body continues to wander through life, but the true essence of a person is lost forever. 1

Six feet under in a cold grave, my shattered heart lay. It’s a grave I could never visit. For even in the afterlife, I wouldn’t be whole. Forever a shell was my fate, and I did it all for her.2

When I closed my eyes, her smiling face played upon my lids. It’s an agonizing reminder of what I had to lose, of what I gave so she could be free from the cage I put her in. Her face would forever be with me, and my love, she would forever have.3

Our story started out as so many do, a chance meeting bringing two hearts together. Forever intertwining two lives in a web of love and misery. Somewhere along the path, that we had both hoped would be bliss, darkness took over. 4

They say hindsight is 20/20, but in this case, I truly don’t know when things started to change. Looking back, it seemed that one day I was holding her in my arms as we laughed together, our hearts whole and bright. Then the next, we could hardly look at each other. I ached for her touch and in my tears, I longed to hear her laugher. 5

She had become a stranger to me, and I to her. We forgot the person we fell in love with, or maybe we weren’t those people anymore. 6

We tried to hang onto our love for as long as we could…too long really. We didn’t let go before love turned to bitterness and bitterness to hate. With passion came a dark side, a side that could consume you. 7

She decided to take a few classes at the university to ‘try to expand her mind.’ I knew it was just to get some time away from me. I couldn’t blame her really. In my desperate desire to be the most important person to her, I smothered her. I didn’t know why I felt she had to prove something that was right in front of my face. I was always the most important person to her, at least until I pushed her away.8

I lost everyone who ever got close to me, and in that pain I attached myself to her. She was my life force. Without her, I felt I would die. 9

Again, I had no idea how things became that way with me. I knew I use to be independent, but in her, something hit me telling me she was the best thing I’d ever have happen to me, and I should never let her go. I clung to her desperately and the more I clung the more she pulled back. It was a vicious cycle.10

She made new friends at the university and began spending more and more time with them. At first, I was included in these gatherings, but when it became apparent that I was the third wheel, I stopped going. It hurt too much to see her laughing and happy with others, then come home and see all that change. 11

My jealousy and paranoia began to set in. I felt justified for what I was feeling. After all, I was being excluded. Never did it occur to me that I was the reason for the exclusion. I had brought it upon myself. I blamed her for all the pain, all the tears, all the nights I sat awake feeling alone.12

When one had so many powerful emotions pushed so far down, it was bound to explode. A person could only hold onto so much for so long. I just never thought it would get as bad as it did.13

I fell asleep on the couch while waiting for her to come home. The creak of the door woke me. Wiping the sleep from my eyes, I looked up to see her tiptoeing past me.14

“Where have you been?” I asked, my voice hoarse from the tears I had shed hours earlier.15

“Great! Do I get interrogated now? I was at the library with Jessie and Amanda. I told you we have that Biology test Monday,” she said, placing her hands on her hips and sighing.16

“You were at the library until 2 in the morning?” I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes again. Every fiber of my being told me she was lying, so did the smoke I could smell from her clothes.17

“Yes! It’s a big test. Damn it, why do we always have to do this?” she said, glaring at me.18

“We don’t have to do anything,” I whispered, closing my eyes and hoping she couldn’t see the teardrops as they slowly fell down my swollen cheeks.19

“Is it alright with you if I go change? It’s been a long day,” she said, already walking down the hall.20

I said nothing, just sat there, but my mind was working. Thoughts flew so fast I couldn’t make out what they were, but it all added up to one thing. I had to let her go. She needed to be free, and I was holding her back.21

The problem was I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t just walk away from her. That would be like asking someone to rip out their heart, yet go on living. I simply could not do it but I had to do something.22

I walked into the kitchen and put the kettle on. I thought maybe if I brought her a cup of her favorite tea it would settle things over some. I hated when she was mad at me, even if the questions I asked were valid. 23

I’m not sure where the thought came from, but as the kettle was warming, I found myself going out the backdoor toward the garden shed. I grabbed the bottle of insecticide and brought it back in with me. 24

Placing the bottle in a cabinet, I took the kettle off the stove before it began to make noise. I fixed her cup of tea as I normally would, only I added an extra ingredient…the insecticide.25

I hid the bottle again and grabbed a spoon to stir her tea. Trying to keep my hands steady, I walked down the hallway to our bedroom. She had just finished a shower and was getting dressed for bed.26

“I-I brought you some tea. I thought it might help you get to sleep,” I said, forcing a smile. All I wanted to do was fall at her feet and cry out ‘why’ but I held myself together.27

She took the cup without saying a word. As she sipped it, I noticed a single tear roll down her face.28

“What happened to us?” she said without looking up from her cup.29

I wasn’t sure how to reply. That one question brought a flood of words into my mind. I decided to go with a safe answer, “I don’t know.”30

She looked up at me with eyes I had never seen before. I could see no love in them…only pain and anger. She gulped down the rest of her tea.31

“You and your ‘I don’t knows’. Here,” she said, handing me the cup. “I’m going to bed.”32

I took the cup back to the kitchen and washed it out. I was tempted to go back to the bedroom. I longed to be near her, feel her body lying next to me but I knew tonight it would be best if I slept on the couch.33

Grabbing a pillow and blanket from the linen closet, I made myself as comfortable as I could and cried myself to sleep. 34