If Only I Could Tell You...

Have you ever wanted to tell the person you were in love with that you loved them? That they were the very air you breathed, that their very smile caused your legs to turn to jelly beneath you? That the very thought of them with anyone else absolutely KILLED you, but that you would be happy for them anyway just because you wanted them to be happy? That's how I felt when I set out to write this originally.1

My name is Aven Daae. Please don't start on all those Phantom of the Opera jokes. They get old pretty fast. For a year now, I have been in love with my best friend, Seth Adamson. For the past year, I had watched him date and be hurt by many a girl. For the past year I had wanted to tell him how I feel about him. Every time I got close to telling him, something erupted in my face. Writing always helps me work out my feelings, so I thought writing about it would help me erase the pain I felt inside.2

You see, every time I write about something I wish to happen or something I see myself doing, I lose it. I have written about past boyfriends, and I lose them. Maybe writing about Seth would help me lose this pain I felt inside. Maybe the dull knife twisting in my heart would finally stop. Maybe my heart would stop beating and I wouldn't have to feel anymore. I preferred the latter.3

Seth is one of those guys that you can't get to know and NOT love him. At least in my eyes, he is that way. But for some reason he has problems with every girl he tries to date. They seem perfectly happy for awhile, but then something goes horribly wrong. Seth gets hurt, and who is there to pick up the pieces? Moi.4

Seth and I sort of fell out of touch when we went off to college. We had met in forensics my senior year. We were both competitive in Prose Interp. The moment I saw him I knew that he would be a fun guy. A lanky six foot guy with the darkest brown eyes I had ever seen, and a mop of dark brown hair to match. As for me, I'm five nine with jet black hair and green eyes. But that is beside the point. Any competition we were at, we talked. We hung out with the same crowd. 5

At State, we had made a promise to keep in touch. I gave him my email, trusting that he would email me back. Before he boarded his bus, he started to sing one of my favorite songs: Don't You Forget About Me. I never did. I would check my email from time to time, a little bit disapointed that he never emailed me, but I didn't read too much into it. One day I recieved a friend invite over facebook. It was Seth Adamson! We caught up quickly. Almost immediately we were on each other's messenger contact lists talking til the wee hours of the morning. 6

Seth and I had a lot in common. We both loved comedy, 80s music, and Sound of Music. I began liking him quite a bit. In fact, I dreamed about him....something that never ever happens with any of the other guys I had liked. The most unnerving thing about it was that it was the wedding dream I have. My groom had always been faceless- even when I was dating! But with Seth...I could picture him at the end of the aisle. That scared the CRAP out of me. I did not like the intensity of my feelings at all. I tried to push him aside and concentrate on other decent guys. It wouldn't work.7

I tried to reason with myself. "He's a little too emotional for your taste," I would tell myself. "He's no athelete. How are you going to lose all that wieght by yourself after having kids?" Or I would think, "How do you know that he isn't going to use you like all the others?"8

The fact was, that it didn't matter. I didn't care that he wasn't the athlete that I had imagined. So what if he was more emotional? He wasn't like the other guys at all. Maybe it would be different. Maybe what I had been searching for had been wrong all along. Maybe Seth was "The One".9

I knew I could not deny what I was feeling for Seth, but literally the moment I decided to tell him how I felt, he told me he had a girlfriend. I slapped myself in the face several times to make myself believe that I was not dreaming. I knew the painful truth: I was not dreaming. CURSES!10

As much as I wanted to not be happy for him, I was. It made me happy to see Seth happy. Soon I was happy on my own. I had acquired a new boyfriend myself, named Braxton Skyles. Braxton and I had a great relationship for two months. In fact, it had been going so well that I had written a poem about him. The very day I wrote the poem we had a date. I planned on reading it to him then, but I never got the chance. Braxton stood me up. He stopped talking to me completely. Wouldn't even look at me in passing. It hurt bad.11

Seth got his own hurt two weeks later. He and Cassandra broke it off. We helped each other through that time. During that period the dreams came back full force. They hadn't really left while I was dating Braxton, which was wierd. As much as I didn't want to let Seth back in...I couldn't help it. Seth seemed as though he wanted something more. He constantly told me how much I meant to him. We even discussed dating a few times. I struggled with whether or not to say anything. I didn't want him to freak out if I told him that I was falling hardcore for him. But what if he felt the same? I decided to let go once more....and once more God threw me a curve. The day I decided to tell Seth he got another girlfriend.12

I wanted to hate Seth. I wanted to hate him with every fiber of my being. They had been getting closer and closer as time wore painfully on. 13

And then came the turning point.14

It was the day I was supposed to be leaving on a chior trip. We were both online and he told me that he and his girlfriend were having problems. Those problems were because of me and my friendship with him. Zoey did not like the fact that Seth had another girl for a best friend, and pretty much gave him an ultimatum: It was her or it was me. 15

Seth began telling me that he may have made a mistake in Zoey. She was turning out to be something he didn't want. Taking a deep breath, hands shaking, I laid my feelings for him out on the table:16

Seth, this is really hard for me to do....but I have to tell you that ever since we reconnected I have not been able to stop thinking about you. I have fallen for you completely. This isn't just some girly crush. I completely love you. I love you so much that when you told me about both Cassandra and Zoey....I couldn't help but be happy for you because I love you so much. Seth, I know you have things you have to figure out, but I want you to know that I will wait as long as it takes for you, because I know in the end I want to be with you.17

I left it at that because I had to leave for my trip. I went through the whole thing so nervous about what would come of what I told him. Almost as soon as I got back and signed in on messenger, Seth was on. And almost immediatley he sent a message to me. It made me smile....it looked as though he was so excited to have me back home! He then asked if he could call me, and I gave him the go ahead. What he said changed my life.18

"Aven....Aven I have been thinking about what you said. And this week I realized just how much I feel for you. I love you, Aven Renea Daae. Would you please forgive me for being such a fool and not realizing what I had right in front of me? Would you please say you'll be mine?"19

All I said was "Do you even need to ask?"