Will you marry me?

“Will you marry me?” Those four words, every girl wants to hear. Even me. I’ve been searching practically my whole life, and now… I’ve finally found the poor sap that thinks he wants to spend an awful lot of time with me, an entire lifetime. He’s basically perfect. I mean, tall, dark, AND handsome. He even has a perfectly manly name. Chuck has a lush brown head of hair, just enough muscles, perfect white smile; the works. And all I have to do to make him all mine is say one word. Yes. It’s as easy as that, except I’ve always had to make things difficult. 1

“Well…?” He pushes the opened black velvet box nearer my face. The diamond shines brightly, just like his smile. 2

“Will you marry me?” Chuck repeats uneasily. I want to say yes, and just jump into his arms. Have myself a happily ever after, except my mouth won’t let me. 3

“Uhm . . .” I’m trying to get it out.4

“You okay babe?” He asks with a worried look in his brilliant cobalt-colored eyes. I nod my head up and down fiercely. Yes, I want to say. “Yes, I’m okay, and yes I’ll marry you.” 5

Instead, I blurt out “I gotta pee.” and scurry off to the restaurant’s bathroom. It appears empty, but I go into gigantic handicapped stall. The orange-ish marble is immaculately clean, and I sink into a corner opposite of the toilet. I sit; tears just rush out of my eyes like they’ve been waiting forever to be free. It feels good too, but this is nonsense. I’ve got a gorgeous guy out there waiting to be my fiancé. I can’t muster up enough energy to get back out there and catch a hold of what might be the rest of my life though.6

Mrs. Lilly Zierenberg. God, that sounds dumb. Lilly and Chuck. It just doesn’t click. It shouldn’t matter though. I love him, and that’s all that matters. Wait, I love him? He’s cute, understanding, polite. I don’t even think he has any flaws, or at least I haven’t found any yet. It’s not like I’m out looking for them either. But wait, wasn’t part of loving someone accepting their flaws? How could I love someone with none to accept? Plenty of questions were swirling in my head.7

I take out my slim red cell phone out of my black shimmering clutch, and flip it open. The background image is none other than Chuck himself. Flashing his dazzling white smile. I click menu, and go to my received texts. Most of them are from my best friend, Allie and Chuck. I scroll down to my oldest messages. The very last one is from Eli. I could have sworn I deleted him entirely from my phone. Book-worm cute French-speaking shaggy-hair, quiet Eli. How I’d grown so fond over him those six months. Was he the reason I couldn’t say yes to Chuck? He couldn’t be though, because I was the one that left him behind. I made him disappear for the Doctor. Doctor Chuck Zierenberg. 8

The message seems like it’s flashing at me and I click on it. ‘I hope your day is as lovely as you are. Je t’aime’ (French for I love you) it read. It seemed a little corny but I knew I loved the message when I’d first received it. I knew I should delete it right here, right now. I’d essentially deleted him from every aspect of my life, so why couldn’t I delete the last evidence I had of him? 9

I flip my phone shut, and shove it back into my clutch. I ease myself up from the floor, and walk over to the long mirror. My eye make-up is a bit smudged, and I fix that. I crease my dress out, and walk back out to Chuck, not sure what I’ll do next. 10

Each step towards him seems harder to take than the last. Finally, I get there and sit down in the chair across the circular table from him. He’s no longer showing off his smile. 11

“How about that answer Lilly?” He says and winks. He is still expecting a yes.12

I just stare at him, not knowing what my life will turn into if I say yes. Or if I say no. 13

He takes my hands and says “ Hun, I love you. I really do. Even though it’s only been six months I already know you’re the one I’m going to end up with. I love you with my whole being. I can’t ever stop thinking of you, and I’m always terrified some other guy is going to snatch you away from me. I just want you to be mine. We could have a small wedding, or a big elaborate one. I don’t care. I just want to spend the rest of my life with you. So, what do you say? I’m not asking for a fourth time, Will you marry me?” The moment of truth.14

I gently take my hands out of his and say “I need time to think.” He gulps and takes his smooth hands away from mine. I can’t bear to look at him for another second. I need figure everything out. If I really love Chuck. The reason why I was with him in the first place. What Eli means to me. 15

“I’m going to go.” I say to him. 16

“Yeah , bye.” He tells me, and I really notice the anger and disappointment in his eyes.17

“And chuck, don’t call me.” He nods his head and I walk away. 18

***19

My first thought of how to get to Eli is by phone, I still have that last text message. I can’t do that though, I’ll chicken out or he’ll reject me. I have to talk to him in person, now. My first thought is the bookstore he works at. 20

The first emotions that are displayed on his face when he sets his eyes on me are dismay, wonder, and surprise. I march right up to the counter and kiss him. At first he doesn’t get it, but plays along. His hand goes through my golden brown hair; that makes me shiver. 21

His kisses have always been incredible. It’s always been lightly and sweet, or hard and passionate. Somehow , this time it’s different. Somewhere in the middle. I’ve forgotten how his kisses felt. Wonderful, charming, heavenly, yet I still can’t explain it. 22

We break out of the short momentarily kiss. My lips feel tender. There’s a mix of emotions on his face, confused, but not quite happy to see me. 23

“What are you doing Lil’?” He asks, and steps out from behind the counter. “I’m closing up soon. You want to sit over there?” He motions to some leather sofa chairs by a crackling fire place. 24

“I miss you.” I simply say as we sit down, across from each other. There’s a glass coffee table with golden legs piled with writing magazines in between us. There is also an old bookcase by the chairs. 25

“I miss you too.”26

“Chuck proposed to me.” 27

“That’s great. Congrats! When?” He says and gives me a genuine crooked smile.28

“Fifteen minutes ago.” I mumble.29

He looks at me worried and says “ Why are you here Lilly?” and sighs.30

“I can’t marry him. You’re ... I love you.” I blurt out. I can’t marry one person, when I love the other. It’s just not right.31

“Why?” Why do I love Eli? Why can’t I accept Chuck in all his perfection? Why do I always have to make things so god damn difficult? 32

I stare blankly at him. “Why do you think you need me, instead of Chuck?” I don’t know, I just do.33

“I can’t explain it. You always understood me.” I pause and stand up. “Your kisses are perfect. I’ve never stopped loving you…” I trail off. 34

“I never stopped loving you either, but you left me. It was your choice. Another man loves you now, and it will never be the same if you leave him behind like you did me.” I sink back into my chair. If I am really back with Eli will I want to be with Chuck again, five months later? Will I regret my decision? 35

“You’ll regret it.” Did he just read my mind? “He’s the better man. Maybe now you think you want to be with me, but tomorrow? Who knows? Chuck, he’s the guy for you. I know the way you look at each other and that just explains all the love that’s going on between you two. I’m always going to be the friend Lilly.” A single tear slid down my cheek. I couldn’t help it. I knew he was right. He reached across the table and wiped my tear away. 36

“You’re just nervous.” I nod sadly. 37

“One kiss, for old time’s sake.” I ask him. His lips curved into a smile. He gets up and sits by me in the huge chair I’m sitting in. 38

“Babe, I’ve always loved you. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. I just want you to be happy, and with him I know you will be.” As he finishes he caresses my face and pulls me in for the last kiss. And god, did he decide to make this a memorable last kiss. All the disappointment, sadness, anger, and happiness we ever felt for each other are in that kiss. It’s hard and passionate but tender at the same time. His hand is in my hair again, it gives me shiver and goose bumps shoot straight down my arm. His tongue is exploring my mouth like it’s the first time we’ve ever kissed. It’s one of those earth-shattering-heat-of-the-moment kisses. And then it stops. 39

I just stare at him for a moment, hoping I’ll never forget the best last kiss I’ll ever have. I just want to soak it all up. 40

“Now go find your prince charming.” 41

Walking out that door was one of the hardest, but best things I’ve ever done.