Would I Say Yes?

I had been alive for the Columbine shootings. I remember hearing the story of Cassie Bernall. In fact, her story of standing up for Christ in the face of death has been the subject for many a discussion in my Church's youth group sessions. Her story has inspired songs from artists such as Michael W. Smith and Flyleaf.1

In particular, my youth pastor likes the Flyleaf version because of the part in the song that says "I WILL SAY YES!" He gave a sermon on that song after the Virginia Tech shootings last year. He posed the question: How many of you would say yes? I was the first person to stand up and say "I will! I'll say yes!"2

I never knew that I would have that opporitunity.3

My best friend Katrina and I were in gym class when our gym teacher got a page on his cell. There was a look of fear in his eyes as he read the message. I honestly had never seen the burly ex marine look so scared. I didn't know marines could even BE scared in the first place.4

"Everyone, to the locker rooms NOW! Lock down! This is not a drill, I am being dead serious. We have four shooters in the building, everyone get in the locker rooms! Let's MOVE!" Sarge, as we call him, urged. We just stood there, mouths gaping, not moving. "I said LET'S MOVE! GO!"5

We all ran in a chaotic mob to the far end of the gym where the locker rooms were located. I was the last one in the girls locker room, so it was my duty to shut the door and lock it. I tried to remember everything they taught us about lock downs, but my mind was in confusion. I didn't know what to do or think. There was something about moving to the back of the room, crouching and covering our heads? No, that was tornado drill procedure. "Think, THINK!" I begged myself. Several of the girls were crying. Three of the boys had managed to get in here somehow. Though they tried to look tough, you could see the fear in their eyes, and these were even linemen. We could hear shots, sirens and yelling in the distance.6

"Who could be doing this, Macey?" Katrina's voice dripped with fear.7

"I...I don't know Katrina." I stammered. I had no idea of who this could be. There were four of them? How much damage could four people do? A lot.8

"I'm scared," sobbed Allison Denton, the school's homecoming queen and most popular girl.9

"Shh, Allison. Everything is going to be allright. They aren't going to find us here. Most likely the cops are on their way now, and they will find the guys before they get us." I tried to comfort her. I sat down beside her and put my arm around her shoulders.10

Katrina spoke up. "I think we should pray."11

"You're right," I said, "Anyone else up for it?" Northrock High wasn't exactly a Christian friendly school, so I was surprised when many of them nodded their heads. As we began to pray, shots started firing through the door. Everyone began screaming and ducking under benches, behind lockers, and in shower stalls. Before we knew what was happening, the door was knocked down and there was a someone we all knew standing in the doorway, a huge gun in hand.12

"Clemency Austin?" someone breathed in the back of the room.13

"Daman straight. I'm back for revenge on you little pissants. You made my life a friggin hell! It's time to repay your kindness...."14

Most everyone was crying now. I could hardly breathe. Clemency Austin? She had been one of those really nerdy girls. She used to be pretty cool, but then she had started dating Jaxson Addelmire her junior, my sohpmore, year. She had all the sudden become this goth chick, and people made fun of the goths like none other here. She had graduated last year. High School was over for her. Why was she doing this? My thoughts were interrupted by her yelling at someone.15

"Get your ass up here! MOVE!" She pointed the gun at Ryan Hill, one of the linemen. Ryan reluctantly got up and moved towards her. He was shaking. "Into the hall. Jaxson is there, so you better not try anything stupid." She motioned towards the hall with her head. 16

"Alright Allison, your turn!" Allison screamed. Clemency pointed the gun at her. "Get into the hall or I will shoot you right here, right now!" 17

Allison was sobbing as she made her way to the door. "I'm sorry, Clemency. I'm so sorry. Please don't kill me! I'll do whatever you want...just don't kill me!"18

"Bitch, you had the chance, and you gave it up. Nothing's gonna save you now. You see any mercy in these eyes? There is none.....speaking of mercy, where's our good little Christian?" Clemency's eyes scanned the room.19

"Please don't let her look at me!" I prayed silently without even thinking.20

"You!" she said. As I feared, the gun pointed at me.21

"What are you talking about?" my voice cracked. "I have no idea what you are talking about..."22

"Aren't you a Christian? Don't you try to shove it down everyone's throats? "Jesus loves you! Jesus DIED for you?" What a load off bull! Now YOU get to die for Jesus!" Clemency laughed like a maniac.23

"I don't know what you are talking about, Clemency!" I cried.24

"I'll go." Katrina stood up and made her way to the hall. Katrina shot a look at me as she moved out the door. Clemency followed behind her.25

Suddenly, with a sick feeling in my stomach, I realized what I had just done. I hadn't stood up for Christ like I said I would. I stood up and headed for the door. "Katrina! WAIT!" But as I got to the door......BANG! BANG! BANG! I stopped dead in my tracks. Then I heard two more shots, and cops yelling. One of the cops rounded the corner and nearly bowled me over.26

"Are you alright?" He asked me.27

"I...everyone is fine in here. They just pulled people out...I.." the tears came then. I couldn't stand anymore. As I started to fall to the ground, the cop caught me and held me up while the other cops came in to process the locker room.28

"Shh, you're fine, you're fine." The cop said.29

"I didn't say yes....I didn't say yes.." I mumbled over and over again. The thought made me completely sick. I heard the cop say something to someone about being in shock. Before I knew it, some medics were looking at me and asking me questions. The cop was still standing close by.30

"I'll be needing to talk with you about this later." He told me as he left.31

At home that night, I couldn't eat. I just sat on the couch and stared blankly at the television. 20 people had been killed, Katrina, Allison, and Ryan included. The cops had been able to wound Jaxson and Clemency without killing them. They would be standing trial soon. The other two shooters had been friends of the two, also Northrock High grads. They had managed to escape, at least for awhile, but they were caught eventually that evening.32

Nothing anyone tried to do or say to me helped anything. It wasn't even the fact that Katrina had died, although that was a huge part of it. I had denied Christ. If I hadn't, Katrina would still be alive. Four days after the shootings, I was still at home. I was still sitting on the couch just staring blankly into space, sick to my stomach. My mom came up to me.33

"Macey, Katrina's mother just called. She wants you to speak at Katrina's funeral on tuesday. Are you up for it?" Mom put her hand on my shoulder.34

"Yeah, I can do it." I said numbly. 35

Mom squeezed both of my shoulders, then rubbed my arms up and down. "Is there anything I can do, honey?" she asked against my hair. "You don't have to do this, you know."36

"I can do it. And there isn't anything you can do." I said in a sickeningly placid voice. "I'm fine."37

I could hear the concern in Mom's voice. "Ok, if you say so. I'm praying for you honey." 38

Tuesday approached faster than I thought it would. I had something typed up to say at Katrina's funeral. Happy stuff about happy times we had together growing up. I sat in a pew at the church behind Katrina's parents. I listened to the preacher talk about how valiantly Katrina had lived, what a heart she had for Jesus. Other people gave accounts they remembered about Katrina, usually about something silly that happened in youth group or camp.39

The preacher called me up. I took my place behind the pulpit with my piece of paper. But as I looked at it...I knew that I couldn't say what I had written down. I took a deep breath and began to speak.40

"You know, I had this all written out. I was going to talk about all the good times Katrina and I had together. We did have some good times. Katrina was such a good friend you know? She was always there when you needed her. I only wish I could have been as good of a friend to her as she was to me. But I'm the most horrible friend she could have ever had."41

"You see, it's because of me that Katrina is dead. It's all my fault! I could have stopped this from happening...but I didn't." Gasps arose from the audience. Disbelief was on every face. I took one more shaky breath and continued. "I better explain what I just confessed. I'm sure everyone here knows the Cassie Bernall story, and all the people in my youth group know the song "Cassie" by Flyleaf. Do you remember when Pastor Vaughn asked us if we'd say yes, and I was the first person to stand?"42

My voice broke into tears, but I still continued. "I couldn't say yes...Clemency had the gun pointed at me...and..and I just froze. I said "I don't know what you are talking about" when she labeled me a Christian. I de...denied God! Katrina took my place. By the time I realized what I had done....by the time I made it to the hall...they shot her. It...it should have been me you were all mourning today! It's not Clemency's fault...it's mine and mine alone. I'm sorry, Craig and Deena. I'm sorry I killed your daughter."43

I looked at the beautiful mahagony casket below me. "And...Katrina...I'm so sorry. I did this to you." I looked heavenward. "And God...I'm so sorry for denying you. I'm so sorry. I don't deserve You." With that I ended my speech and ran down the aisle out of the sanctuary. Tears streaming down my face, I leaned up against a wall. My legs would no longer support me and I slumped to the ground. I buried my face in my hands and sobbed. Soon, I felt arms around me. It was Pastor Vaughn. "Ju...Just go away." I managed to choke out.44

"I'm not going anywhere. We're going to talk about this," he said quietly.45

"What more is there to say?" I asked. "If it weren't for me, Katrina would still be alive."46

"Macey....do you remember the disciple Peter? Do you remember that he denied God three times?" I could only nod. "He could have not denied, and possibly have been flogged or something. But he did deny. God had a plan for him, and he has one for you. Katrina's time was up, but you still have something to accomplish here, ok?"47

Again I could only nod. "Don't blame this on yourself, Macey." Vaughn wrapped me up into a hug as my tears flowed again.48

It has been four months since that happened. I still hate myself for doing what I did. I still struggle with it. But now I know beyond a doubt that everyday I will say "Yes, I believe."