SR Murders1
By Andy Stephenson and Geri Fitzsimmons2
Chapter Six 3
Desk Sergeant Patrick Moran looked up at the sound of the doors swinging in. The weary frown that settled on his young face after seven hours of responding to the City’s problems lifted and he grinned. He watched Detective Sergeant Joseph Farley step lively through the officer’s gate at the side of the metal detector into the hallowed housing of the 61st precinct. “You working for a promotion?” He said.24
“Time waits for no one,” Joe answered. He picked up the next shift’s duty roster and scanned it. “When Hamlin and Hayes report in send them to my office. In the meantime call up any suicides of young women in the last three months.”35
“In all five boroughs?”46
“We’ll start there. Send their files through to my office. As soon as the clock strikes seven, call Detective Benson at the 66th and patch him through to me.”57
Twenty five-year-old Moran watched the receding backside of the middle-aged officer and silently mouthed, “Screw it.” There was no out loud complaint as he attacked his keyboard. He thought, ‘Not even sixty minutes left and Farley’s got to put him to work. Just ‘cause the bastard has no life—he assumed nobody else does.’ 68
A few minutes later Joe was at his desk, sipping coffee and starting to read the statements he’d called up from the Blaine File.79
It had been Beverly Oleander’s birthday and though she and Michelle Blaine were not really close any more, they had lunch on their birthdays. It was unlike Michelle not to have called or written if she couldn’t make it. 810
Desk Sergeant: When did you talk to her last?911
Beverly: A week ago Monday, she called me to confirm the date. When she didn’t show yesterday I called a couple of times and got no answer. So I took this morning off and went to her place. Something just didn’t seem right so I’m calling the police. 1012
A squad car had been sent to check on Ms. Michelle Blaine. The two patrolmen had been unable to gain access to the apartment.1113
Meanwhile Detective Benson of the 66th had called Michelle’s work place and discovered she hadn’t shown up nor called in. This was completely unlike their conscientious employee.1214
The order went out, ‘Open the door.’ 1315
Detective Sergeant Joe Farley had no problem sitting at his desk and conjuring up the scenario that took place in Michelle’s apartment when her body was found. Years of experience made him an expert. 1416
The patrolmen rousted the Apartment Manger from his bed and together they entered Michelle’s domicile. 1517
They entered the small front room. There was nothing in disarray—rather it was meticulously clean and neat. 1618
“Nothing wrong here, Miss Baine must have taken off for a few days.”1719
“Think you’re right.” One patrolman answered the apartment manger. He could see the fellow was nervous about invading a rental property. “Brad,” he said to his partner. “You check the bedroom. I’ll give the kitchen and bath the once over. We’ll be out of here in five, Mr. Atkins.”1820
Brad moved quickly down the small hall. “Nothing! Bed’s still made.” He called back just as the other patrolman stepped across the threshold of the kitchen.1921
The door on the cheap clock swung open at the sound of a single gong, but the little plastic bird didn’t come out. No one noticed.2022
The officer cursed. “Son of a bitch!” and knelt down carefully to test the beat in the artery of Michelle’s neck. “Call in a 169.” He called to his partner. “She’s dead. Looks like suicide.” 2123
Everything certainly points to suicide, Joe Farley thought as he finished the ME’s report.2224
He let the phone buzz a couple of times before he picked up. "Detective Farley," he said into the receiver.2325
"Hi Joe, Benson here. What can I do for you?"2426
"You handled the investigation of Michelle Baine's death? Were there any unusual circumstances?"2527
"Baine…No," Benson answered. "Suicide, plain and simple. Everything seemed straight up. Was there something we missed?"2628
"Probably not. Would you mind walking me through the scene this afternoon?"2729
"Something's got your curiosity going. Want to tell me what you've got?"2830
"Nothing really," answered Farley. "Just a feeling."2931
"Ah. I've heard about your hunches. Would 2:00pm work for you?"3032
"That will be great. I'll meet you at her apartment."3133
Joe disconnected and returned to his computer. In three months in the five boroughs there had been ten women’s deaths ruled as suicides. Eight were young women who had apparently overdosed, four from cocaine, one from a common type of sleeping pill and three listed as substance unknown. 3234
Joe dialed the medical examiner's office and a bright cheerful voice answered, "Janet Marshall, M. E’s office. May I help you?"3335
"Hi Janet, there have been three suicides recently in which the cause has been listed as substance unknown. Would it be possible for you to retest evidence samples and see if we might be able to identify the drugs? Or see how many were the same drug?"3436
"I can't make you any promises, but we can try. What are their case numbers?"3537
Joe gave her the case numbers, thanked her, and rang off as his door rattled slightly from a rap.3638
Detectives Hamlin and Hayes walked up to Joe's desk. Hamlin held a can of Dr. Pepper in his hand. "You wanted to see us?" asked Hamlin almost too casually. Hamlin was young for a detective and Joe felt that he didn't show appropriate respect for his position yet.3739
That caused a bite to enter Joe’s voice. "I have some work for you. I want you to go to the Crisis Center and get a list of callers for the last six months. Then compile a list for me of those who actually committed suicide. I also want a comparison made up and referenced with the callers who were referred by KJAB to the Crisis Line."3840
"Not enough murders in the city, and you want us to look into suicides?" Hamlin sounded incredulous.3941
Joe stared him to silence and Hayes said, "Never mind him Sarge, is there anything else?" 4042
"No, that should do it for now."4143
Detective Hamlin dared no more than a mumble under his breath his as they left.4244
At 2:00pm Farley and Benson met at Michelle Baine's apartment. "It's going to be another hot one," said Benson.4345
"It's all the concrete and asphalt," remarked Farley. "It just traps the heat."4446
After the police had released the apartment, believing Michelle's death to be a suicide, the apartment was returned to the care of the manager. Farley hoped that her things had not been disturbed.4547
"I'm going to have to move her things into storage if someone doesn't show up to claim them soon," said the manager.4648
"We've notified next of kin," said Benson. "They are coming in from Maine. They should be in touch with you."4749
"So, nothing's been touched since the body was discovered?" asked Farley. 4850
"No, honestly I don't look forward to it and the rent was paid to the end of the month."4951
"Well, let us in, if you would," said Benson. "We want another look around."5052
"Sure thing."5153
The manager opened the door and left.5254
"She was found lying on the floor by the dinette table,” began Benson as he motioned towards the chalked image on the floor. "The unlabeled prescription bottle which contained the drug was next to her on the floor. It had only her fingerprints."5355
Wearing latex gloves, the two detectives moved carefully around the apartment. "Nothing appears out of order or missing," offered Benson. “There were no signs of a struggle or that anyone else was here.”5456
"She was extremely neat," observed Joe.5557
In the kitchen on the counter was a cup holder. There were two empty spaces. The cup she had been drinking from had broken when she fell and had been bagged and removed for evidence.5658
Joe opened each of the two cupboard doors. In one, with bowls, plates, and drinking glasses, was a lone cup. He bagged it to take back to the station to be printed.5759
"You think that cup has some significance?" asked Benson.5860
"It just seems out of place. Michelle didn’t put things out of place."5961
They continued the search. In the hall closet they located three neatly packed boxes labeled ‘Hal’ in magic marker. Inside one they found a few movies, DVDs, some CDs, a laptop. One held only a heavy jean jacket and another some men’s clothing.6062
“Odds and ends,” Joe said. “Must belong to an ex. Did you check out her romantic interests?”6163
“Naturally. She had a boyfriend living here for a few months. Guess he wasn’t the friendly type, neighbors say he must have moved out—they hadn’t seen him in weeks. None of them knew his name.”6264
“Hal…I‘d say,” Joe made a mental note to find out more about him. 6365
The cheap little clock on the wall sang twice, Joe glanced at it. The door opened but nothing came out. Joe stepped over to it. There was an empty arm that slid back in as the door closed.6466
Farley and Benson returned to their respective precincts. Joe dropped the cup off at forensics. 6567
A few hours later when Joe was deep in his hunt for Hal, Forensics called to say that there were absolutely no prints on the cup. That seemed especially odd to Joe.6668
In a list
A bit of editing would help along with opinions [Reward: double points]
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Seeing as to which all the editing is taken up
I'll just say I enjoyed it thoroughly and can't wait for more
. Rewarded 4
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Okay. Finished reading this one and found it quite intriguing and had to read it a couple of times. (I wanted to catch the atmasphere of the two detectives going through the apartment.) I thought they worked well together. The introduction of the other characters at the precinct was good, but you didn't dwell on the for too long, which worked well. A few minor errors.
There are still numbers at the end of the paragraphs. Any reason for this so i can shut up about it?
Paragraph 17....Ms Baine
Paragraph 9.....Ms Blaine
Paragraph 13....Ms Blaine
Paragraph 19....Ms Baine
Need to correct her name here somewhere. Not sure what is really her real name.
Paragraph 17/line 1....Manager, not manger
Paragraph 20/line 1....Manager, not Manger
Paragraph 44....'his breath his' Lose the second 'his'
Paragraph 23....Seems the officer here speculated a little too quickly, but i guess it would probably happen in real life. It's just that it stood out to me. (was waving madly-hey, look at me!)
Apart from these, i thought this whole chapter was great and am looking forward to heading off to the next one. Go Guys!
. Rewarded 8
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You are still reading. Thank you so much, I'm going to return the favor soom 
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The darn names
I had Blaine and Andy had Baine and we just can't get together. We will run a 'search and rescue' before the next draft. But keep pointing the goofs out it makes them stay out there and get cleaned up.
So you like Joe and Brad working together. The minute I met Brad, I just knew he would be the perfect mate for Joe. I'm so glad you agree.
Geri
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Good, but needs bit of work
You are bring in the good guys. Yay!
It was a good read, but it can be better. Maybe fousc on the problem in the police station about a younger guy being a boss of an older guy. Really bring out the hidden feelings in the workplace as the hero is trying to find this killer.
Leaving a scence and going into a new scence needs work. Those were the times where I got confused.
I loved the dialogue which showed off your characters very well.
My suggestions:
(Desk Sergeant When did you talk to her last?9
I don't understand why :? I am not sure who is talking and to whom.
(Beverly A week ago Monday, she called me to confirm the date. When she didn’t show yesterday I called a couple of times and got no answer. So I took this morning off and went to her place. Something just didn’t seem right so I’m calling the police. 10
Again with :
(The order went out, ‘Open the door.’ 13)
I don't get this sentence at all.
(Joe dialed the medical examiner's office and a bright cheerful voice answered,) "Janet Marshall, M. E’s office. May I help you?"33
This is a action sentence and needs a period at the end.
(At 2:00pm Farley and Benson met at Michelle Baine's apartment. )"It's going to be another hot one," said Benson.43
Moving into this scence needs some work.
"She was extremely (neat," observed Joe.)55
Action sentence here again.
neat." Joe observed.
Doing a great job!
Lynn
. Rewarded 8
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Been here...done it...still diggin' it...
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Oooh, now we're getting into the investigation! I like all of the subtle interplay between even the secondary characters, especially at the police station. It gives this an authentic air. This is progressing well - I can't wait to see the progression of clues that finally leads him to the murderer! Nicely done!
Notes:
* You have numbers at the ends of your paragraphs... *scratches head*
* Para 4: "He said" doesn't need to be capitalized.
* Para 8: "Twenty-five-year-old" needs just one more hyphen. Also, "Just ‘cause the bastard has no life—he assumed nobody else does" switches tense halfway through, from present "has" to past "assumed."
* Para 10: *is confused* Where did Beverly come from? Or is this the actual statement? If so, you might want to designate that somehow - I might suggest a colon at the end of the previous paragraph and maybe putting the statement in itallics. What do you think?
* This section (describing the statements and getting into the apartment) seems really confusing and disorganized to me. I can't tell what he's reading directly and what is just a summary and it's making my head spin a little... *laughs*
* Para 20: "One patrolman answered" doesn't need to be capitalized.
* Para 22: If no one noticed the bird missing, how do we know now, since this is all coming from the report that Farley is reading?
* Para 32: You need a space between 2:00 and pm.
* Para 35: Before you used "ME" and here you use "M.E" - try to keep it consistent, maybe?
* Para 40: So much for not telling anyone else that there might be a connection to the radio station! *laughs*
* Para 42: Punctuation...try this: Joe stared him to silence. Hayes said, "Never mind him, Sarge. Is there anything else?"
* Para 45: "2:00 pm"
* Para 55: I thought she had had her head on the table when she died? Or did she fall out of the chair? I don't remember now...
Either way, I would think the prescription bottle would have stayed on the table.
* Para 59: In my mind, drinking glasses are cups.
Maybe "a lone coffee mug" might work?
* Para 68: Odd indeed. Also, my amateur sleuthing skills (haha, there's a reason I don't write mysteries ) make me wonder why they haven't noticed anything funny about the prescription bottle yet. First, that it's not her prescription and second, that obtaining a prescription that is not hers would take time and planning beforehand. Why would she spend the time finding and obtaining prescription drugs when there are easier ways to kill yourself? And why would she call the radio show and talk to the crisis line? In my mind, that kind of call implies that it was a spur-of-the-moment consideration of suicide, not the kind that requires previous thought and the collection of prescription drugs... Does that make sense? *laughs* Like I said, I'm no PI.
. Rewarded 8
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Wow you are going to have me working overtime.
Thanks so much...I'll be filing this with the chapter for the next draft.
I have to do something about those darn numbers. It happens sometimes when Andy and I send the text back and forth
Geri
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Well I wouldn't want you getting too complacent... *laughs*
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Aw, yes...another good chapter. I'm interested in the mentioning of the clock. Twice you referenced it in this chapter...so, I'm thinking that has some significance.
Joe seems like he will obsess over this case which should make the chase even more interesting. I'm going forego the grammar mistakes since I trust you will find them in revision. I like this character of Joe...he seems like a stand-up guy. I dig how he continues to go over this case even though it's been labeled as a suicide.
I'm just curious about the killer--waiting to see more of him--and how he will foul up and get up....damn, I love a good murder mystery! Nice job, Geri and Andy!
--Phil
. Rewarded 8
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Oh yes. 'morning Phil...your right he may become sorry he mudered that little cheap bird?
Or it might just be his nasty personality showing
Nah, we wouldn't do that to you.
Thanks for continuing to read and comment.
Geri -
Thanks very much for following this story.
I'm torn between having the killer get caught or escape. I think Geri probably wants him to be caught. Joe is hard to shake when he is on to something. I hope we keep you entertained. You think the killer should be caught?
Andy -
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By all means...he must be caught!
Now, don't string the reader along and not let the bad guy get caught! I remember seeing The Pledge a few years ago with Jack Nicholson. He was a retired cop who vowed to catch this killer. In the end, the killer is killed in a car accident without anyone knowing he was the killer. Nicholson's character went crazy trying to figure out who did it since the killer never appeared again...don't do that crap to the reader! LOL -
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"Hang 'em" I'm with you Phil.
Andy wants to keep this guy free--I'll shoot him myself--
the killer not Andy
Geri -
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You may have to shoot Andy to get your way! LOL
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What a great segue!
The killer is caught, then it's revealed it was only a story but the author got killed.
They go looking for the author's killer.
Watch out Geri. We know who you are.
(Don't worry Andy. Your not really a dead person. You just play one in a story.)
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Good chapter here.
Joe is on the job noticing things others didn't, apparently from inexperience or laziness with an easy explanation. And he calls in another precinct.
Two things I noticed,
44 '...mumbled under his breath his as they...'
Someone missed the second his.
68 ' ..hunt for Hal, Forensics..'
Does forensics need to be capitalized?
I like how Joe is really looking into things now after late night doc (can't remember his name right now) told him about his thoughts.
Oh, and you left the reference numbers at the end of paragraphs in again.
Let's see what he finds out.
Greg
. Rewarded 8
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Greg, I do appriciate your reading. I wish you would start posting something here so we could return the favor.
You know I think those numbers crop up when Andy and I are sending the work back and forth--I'm going to have to ask him about that. I never use numbers--when in doubt blame it on Andy
Glad you like this story and I hope we can keep you reading.
Geri
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good
Reading through, your story starts off well in the prologue, giving an inside view of your killer. The plot is good, and the ball is rolling, the only thing I'm having trouble with is the killer. I can't tell if he is the same person as the prologue killer, or where the killer from the prologue fits into your main story. Otherwise you have certainly got me intrigued and I can't wait to read more of the story. All the best.
. Rewarded 8
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Some minor grammer/punctuation/spelling errors;
[4] 'swinging open' not 'swinging in', 'he queried, amused.' rather than 'He said'
[7] Detective Benson? (sorry - Law and Order)
[8] The hypens aren't required in; "five-year-old", they ARE however required for the number "twenty-five"
[9] Maybe add an extra space after [8] to designate the change in POV
[11,12] Use italics for the transcript.
[14] Either write 'They had noted that it was completely unlike...' or change the 'their' to 'the', as this sentence is somewhat ambiguous.
[15] I like the use of 'domicile' it fits with the police action.
[17-21] You should do something to these to distinguish them from the 'now' that occurs in the office. Perhaps preceding it with more than just a note from Farley that it is a recreation of the scene. Eg; "Years of experience made him an expert. He closed his eyes and the scene appeared as if he accompanied the officers...
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The patrolmen rousted the Apartment Manger from his bed and together they entered Michelle’s domicile...." and again something at the conclusion of the 'scene' eg;
"...“She’s dead. Looks like suicide.”
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Joe Farley opened his eyes, and shook his head - all the clues certainly pointed towards suicide. He picked up the report..."
[28]' "Baine…No," Benson answered after pausing.' Detectives are busy - it is likely he would have other cases, and an indication that he needed some time to think was needed.
[34] 'Over three months' not 'In three months'
{44,45} Needs a double break between paragraphs as it is a change of scene
[55] Rewrite the last as 'Only her fingerprints were found on it'
[62] Use 'denim' instead of 'jean'
I quite like this chapter - more on the police POV. Be careful with some of your sequencing, this is an area you need to work on.
Good work!
. Rewarded 8
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