Addition (II)

∞1

Two days…2

weeks…3

months…4

years…5

forever….passes, 6

and I cut again.7

And god….8

it is so….amazing, miraculous, mind boggling, astounding…9

a thousand adjectives.10

oh….11

I do it again…and…12

Ecstasy blooms white flowers behind closed eyelids13

sighs of bliss14

with every twinge of pain15

every flick of razor…16

oh…god….17

it feels so…goddamn good…18

weak kneed19

I stumble20

against the beautiful21

ache22

hungry, feverish skin begs for more23

I feed it.24

red lines cry25

precious rubies26

oh..27

how wonderful it is…28

…to bleed like this….29

∞30

GODDAMNIT! 31

I gave in. 32

I’m a failure.33

Doesn’t matter if I tried.34

I won’t do better this time.35

I’ll never get this bloody monkey off my back36

I’ll never put the bottle down37

I’ll never stop hearing the cooes of abuse38

I’ll never stop listening to the roars of red eyed beasts in my ears39

I’ll never stop…40

 41

Lance…42

What’s the matter, honey?43

Can I talk to you…44

Of course you can. You can always talk to me. I’ll listen. 45

Lance…baby…I cut again…46

[silence]47

Baby…?48

Why.49

I couldn’t stand it anymore…I needed-50

You don’t NEED IT! 51

Yes…52

NO. You don’t need it. You have me. Come talk to me, please…just talk to me. 53

Its hard…54

What’s hard?55

Its hard to talk. 56

Just…Don’t tell me anymore.57

Don’t tell you?58

Don’t tell me when you cut anymore. 59

Why…?60

Its hard. 61

What’s hard?62

Its hard to hear you say you can’t talk to me, so you hurt yourself. Baby, why can’t you just cry…? Why can’t you? 63

I can’t cry. It shows I’m weak. 64

Who. Taught. You. That?65

I dunno…66

Never think that crying makes you weak. I cry all the time. 67

What do you cry about..?68

I cry about you.69

Don’t cry about me…I’m not worth your tears.70

can’t you see..? can’t you see you are my EVERYTHING? why can’t you see..? 71

I just…72

Do you love me?73

….Of course I love you. 74

Why?75

You…you put up with my shit. You love on me. You listen. You’re there for me. You love me, so I love you. 76

Do you love yourself?77

No. Hell no. 78

Why not? 79

I’m too skinny. 80

You’re beautiful. 81

I have ugly glasses and shit brown eyes and hair82

You’re beautiful. 83

I’m too pale and ugly and I’m an idiot and I’m silly and I’m not worth your kindness. 84

You’re beautiful, the smartest person I know, and you deserve all the kindness I can give. 85

NO I DON’T. And I’m not beautiful.86

Yes you are. Why can’t you SEE?87

I just…can’t.88

Would you ever slit my wrist? 89

NO! Never! 90

Everytime you slit your wrist, it feels like you cut me. If you won’t stop this for yourself…do it for me…please?91

I’ll try. 92

No. You’ll do it. 93

I’ll do it. 94

You’ll talk to me. 95

I’ll talk to you. 96

You won’t hurt yourself. 97

I won’t hurt you. 98

 99

I get a weekly allowance. 100

One cut. One drink per week. 101

My body aches
Pleading.
Just come on, it cooes so seductively from the box under my bed.
Constantly.102

Its a throbbing103

ache.104

that no one can fix.105

over and over106

day in and out107

the throbbing ache continues on and on
in the back of my skull and in my bones.108


four months.109

I caved in again.
And he...he dared to tell my mother.