Zany Adventure

“The acorn, Porcupus. Where is the golden acorn?”1

“Don’t come into my terrain and demand such things, Squirrelly-boy.”2

“I’ll bust a nut on your spiky spine if you don’t cooperate.”3

“Oh yah? What’s a squirrel with three-legs and a bushy tail going to do? Climb a stump?”4

“The leg remark I can deal with, but the tail? If you must know, the ladies of the forest think my tail is quite cute.”

“There are two types of cute, Squirrelly. The first type means you score about a seven out of ten in the looks department. The second means you’re a silly individual with the appearance of a dragon’s bum. You, my Sciuridae friend, invented the latter category.”5

“Pfft. I get plenty of tail with the ladies.”6

“Not with that bushy thing, you don’t. Now run along, rodent of puns. I don’t have time for your accusations.”7

“I’m not going anywhere, Porcupus. The jig is up. A certain conspicuous raccoon sold you out. It seems you had him do your dirty work.”8

“Can a three-legged squirrel do a jig?”9

“ENOUGH! Your hired help stole valuable property of mine, and gave it to you. I came here to get it back.”10

“Bah. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted a species whose pastime is rolling in and eating garbage. How did you know that he was involved?”

“The filthy scum walked right up to our hollow and peed in it. Of course, the squirrel race takes no humor in having their shelter used as a lavatory.”11

“Could have fooled me, but do go on."12

“He tried to run away, but we caught him with relative ease. That is, my family members caught him. Three-legs are hardly the tools needed in a chase-down.”

“It is unlikely that there will ever be a legend about you circling these woods. ‘Squirrelly: the legless loser who didn’t overcome adversity’ just doesn’t make heroic story-telling.”

“Oh, and your much of a hero. At least I come out here and meet you face to face, rather than hire foul vermin to do my bidding.”13

“No, walking into your enemies’ territory armed only with a slingshot and a bag of nuts to sling is foolish, not heroic. 14

“David the chipmunk slew Goliath in a similar fashion.”15

“Goliath’s forehead is much larger than mine. Now, finish your story briefly. I am interested to know how you acquired the information from my hired thief."

“We dragged the stinky fool to the edge of the forest to a place called ‘Road Kill Alley.’ This time he chose to pee on himself rather than our home. He offered us some valuable information in exchange for his miserable life. Surprisingly, he blurted out your name and the whole stinking operation. On my return to the hollow, I confirmed that the golden acorn had indeed been stolen.”16

“What a fool. He steals from your home for me, then goes back later and relieves himself in the very place he had just broken into. You should have thrown him into ‘Road Kill Alley’ and done the forest a favor."17

“I lost my leg there when I was a young, prominent squirrel. It was dark out, and I wandered accidentally into the forbidden haze of ‘Road Kill Alley’. All I remember was feeling this unknown terrain. It was hard and spongy at the same time. It really gave me the creeps, so I took it nice and easy. I was taking small steps, trying to feel my way around the bleakness. All of a sudden, there were these two approaching lights. I froze with my front-left leg sticking out. I couldn’t move; my body went into shock. There was this gradual rumble that intensified as the lights came closer and closer. The ground beneath me began to shake violently. My body limped. Before my eyes were twin suns of hell, emitting blindness that still obscures my vision today. In the last moments before all was dark, the deafening thunder roared above me. When I regained consciousness the next morning, I was a changed squirrel forever.”18

"B...B...B...Boring."19

“Hey Jerk, do you not have any compassion? Does my terrible story not even tickle the very core of your blackened heart?" 20

 “Sorry. All I heard from your ranting babble was ‘whine whine bitch bitch bitch’.” 21

“You must have bristle on the brain, Porcupus. All you porcupines are the same. Your race is a disgrace to the forest.”22

“Bristle on the brain? Think that one up all by yourself? Oh look, the porcupine has bristles, and what a literary accomplishment that is to add brain to the equation. Witty...”

“I’ve had just about enough of your lip. I’m about to introduce you to the finest sling-squirrel in the forest.”23

“Where? You didn’t tell me that you brought along company, Squirrelly.”24

“I mean me, fool.”25

“Don't make me laugh. I bet you couldn’t hit the side of an Oak Tree from three paces with that measly thing.”26

“This is your last warning. Hand over the Golden Acorn, or I shall enjoy giving you the wrath of my nuts.”27

"I bet you would love that, you flamboyant flake."28

"That's it. TAKE THAT!" 29

"Ow! You dirty little weapon-carrying shrimp. You slung me in the cheek."30

"I told you I had perfect aim, fool."31

"Nonsense, You were aiming for my forehead like your idol David the Panzymunk."

"You're wrong, Porcupus. I just thought you have been acting rather cheeky with me."

"Ohhhhhh. Squirrelly strikes again. Are you using puns to cover your lack of endowment?"32

"Grrr. I should have aimed for your gigantic mouth. You seem to always have it open."33

"I bore of this nuttiness. Dammit, now I'm using puns."34

"Aren't puns hilarious and fun?" 35

"No, they are the lowest form of humor."36

"Lies!" 37

"Yeah whatever. Anyway, what's so special about this golden acorn? It obviously has more value than I originally thought, or you wouldn't have made this uninspiring journey of false heroism to retrieve it."38

"It was the first acorn I ever collected as a youth. I was afraid another squirrel would steal it from me, so I peed on it. That's what gave it that golden hue. I have kept it with me ever since as my good luck charm."

"That's disgusting! You nasty crippled beast!”39

"I never said it was actually made of gold, Porcupus."

"Oh...dear. We used it as flavoring for our stew earlier. Take it and never mention this again."40

"Thanks. I'm going to whiz off now."41

"The agony of it all..." 42

***43