I Was A Ghost

Mum,1

I hope you will forgive me. I am leaving tonight, and I doubt you will see me again. 2

I really am sorry, but you have left me with no choice. I can’t stay here any longer; I can’t cope anymore.3

You don’t seem to know who I am anymore, it’s like you have forgotten that I exist at all. 4

I kept reminding myself that you have been through a lot. Every time that I spoke and you didn’t hear me, every time that your cold eyes passed right over me I would remind myself that the last four years have been as hard for you as they have for me. 5

I thought it was a phase… that you would get over it.6

You didn’t though, you didn’t get through it. You kept on not hearing me, not seeing me. 7

I was a ghost.8

I started to think up reasons why. Why you ignored me.9

Maybe I had been bad. Maybe I had been so bad that you had disowned me.10

Maybe I had upset you and made you cry. I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone that made me cry.11

Or Maybe you just hated me.12

It’s not just me you look over though, it’s all of us. Sarah, Maggie and I. They are only little. Do you know what this is doing to them? 13

They deserve to know their own mother.14

I am taking them with me, Sarah and Maggie. I have to. You wouldn’t look after them.15

You know, Maggie actually called me ‘Mummy’ the other day. The three of us were in the playroom, sat on the floor with jigsaw pieces surrounding us. She looked up at me, big eyes shining. “I love you Mummy.” Was what she said.16

I bet she’s never said that to you.17

I’m not surprised actually. That she thinks I’m her mother, I mean. I am the one who does everything for her. I am the one who cooks for her, who bathes her, who sits up with her all night when she’s ill. 18

I shouldn’t have to.19

If you ever stop drinking, you might notice. Maybe one day you will notice that the house is silent for once. Maybe you will figure out that we have gone.20

Maybe, if you do stop drinking, we could come back. Maybe. 21

Because you’re not a bad mother, not really. You used to be wonderful; the best mother in the world. Maybe it can go back to being that way, someday.22

For now though, we are leaving. 23

Will you care? Will you even notice?24

I hope so. 25

I know that sounds mean. I don’t want you hurting, but I do hope that you notice our absence.26

I wish I could stay, but I can’t bear to see you like this anymore. It’s too much. 27

I will tell Sarah and Maggie about you. You are their mother after all.28

And I will think of you, often. Not about how you are now, but how you used to be… when you were better. 29

I will still pray for you, every night.30

I love you, Mum.31

And I always will.32

Goodbye.33

Your daughter, Rebecca. x34