No Justice

Some people just think too goddamn much. There are times in life when you just gotta cut and run. Ain’t no time for philosophizing when you’re staring down the barrel of a gun, or the light of an oncoming train. But there’s some people was born to try. They’re the type who’d try to reason with their executioner. But most times, you might as well try an’ make a deal with a tornado. 1

My daughter, Allie May, she’s one a them intellectual types. She tells me I ain’t no fool, neither, but I tell her right back that I’m too damn old to be chasing down an education. Well, this ain’t a story about Allie May, but someone much like her. In fact, it’s about her mother, Susan. Me and Allie May, we know she would of wanted her story told, so maybe other people won’t make the same mistakes.2

--- 3

Susan’s Diary. February 29.4

Today does not exist. I know in my mind that I am living in reality, but the date is all wrong. No one should have to endure one more day of February. It is dismal, windy, bleak. February is the unwanted child you can’t say no to; the unavoidable but detested aunt at Christmas. February is never invited to the party. It’s funny, because it’s Daniel’s favorite month. When we were dating, he loved it because there was Valentine’s Day and also because since it was so short, being together through it made you seem like you’d been dating longer than you had. It was always a point of pride with him, how many months he’d had me. I never cared, I just wanted him in my life forever. And we were lucky. I got out of our marital bed to type this. Our 16 year old daughter, Allie May, is upstairs. We have learned how to still be a couple in love and raise a daughter at the same time. 5

Tomorrow I have a job interview. I needed a change; something new. We’ll see if it works out. God, I hope so.6

---7

It ain’t every day you set out to tell a story ‘bout how your wife died. This ain’t gonna be easy. You’ll have to bear with me, I’m afraid. I might have to pause ever once in a while to collect m’self. Allie May tells me I should just start from the beginning. But how do I pick where the beginning is? When she was born? Nah, I weren’t there. That’s it – from when we met.8

Susan was a college girl. I never did go past high school. I was a simple mechanic who just happened to work on her car once. She was a junior, studying to be a lawyer. I remember thinking how this beautiful woman would never think a me as any more than her mechanic. I was far too simple for her tastes, or so I thought. Turns out she had a thing for country boys. I was in luck. She had been lookin’ for a fling, and I was just her type. It was that smile that took me. I ain’t never blushed at a woman before. I didn’t know what college kids did for dates, but back home we went for drives. I knew that would be below her, so I asked her to dinner instead.9

Five months later we was runnin to the church. Not cause I got her pregnant – no, sir, I may be country but I know about birth control. Because we couldn’t keep our hands off’n each other, and didn’t have no good place to go for it. We got us a little apartment and been doin fine ever since. Married life ain’t always no picnic, you know. But Susan was always worth it. She was… oh God…10

---11

Susan’s Diary. March 1.12

What would my mother think of me now? Let me preface that with some information – I failed miserably in my job interview. They just didn’t want to hire me. I came home sobbing, and Daniel took me into his arms and assured me that everything would be fine, his shop was doing really well. It’s not the money I’m worried about, I said, it’s just that I want to feel like I’m worth something. Of course you’re worth something, he said, you’re worth everything to me. He told me they were probably just sexist. In this day and age? Lord help us. Allie May was out and so he held me close and kissed me softly. Those soothing tones of his soon made me put the interview out of my mind, and I was fully focused on him. His raw masculinity. His tenderness, his sexiness. We made love right then and there on the couch. Thank God Allie May didn’t walk in. I don’t want my girl to think of sex as disgusting because she saw her parents doing it. It is a beautiful, God-given gift. 13

Anyway, diary, I haven’t given up hope about a new job. I truly believe we make our own fates. So I will persevere.14

---15

It was nigh on three years fore we even talked about havin kids. Susan thought she wanted about three lil rascals runnin around, and I jus aimed to please her. But gettin pregnant weren’t no picnic for us. It took longer than we thought, and we got worried and saw the doc. But he said there weren’t a damn thing wrong, we just had to try more. Now most people would think that would be a barrel of fun, a doctor tellin you ya gotta have more sex. But when it’s not just for the fun of it, it’s kinda stressful. It took about 6 months but finally there it was. Allie May was a bright spot after all that nonsense. She was a great kid, always has been. We decided then she would be our only, cuz we were damn content. And Susan was the greatest mother I ever did see…16

---17

Susan’s Diary. March 2.18

I knew I shouldn’t give up hope! Today I had a breakthrough. A college friend called me up. At first he sounded a little bit drunk, like maybe he was going to ask me out again… but it turned out he just wanted to meet up and catch up, and that he’s been really tired lately. He mentioned he knows of a great job and had heard I was on the market. This could be great! The guy, I’ll admit, always creeped me out a little, but hey, we’re just grabbing coffee at a popular café in the middle of the day. No big deal, right? And think of the possibilities! Daniel won’t like it, of course. He never liked the guy. Oh well, I’ll just keep it a surprise until I see what it’s about.19

---20

Me and Susan, we done tried our best to raise Allie May right. It ain’t always easy with kids. You try to show em good and bad but then they ask you bout in between. Ain’t much of an answer to that. Don’t talk to strangers, can’t trust everbody. Allie May was born a smart one, though. Never had to really teach her a lot of things, she just knew em. Smart like her momma. I dunno what I gave her – good looks I’d say, but surely her momma has those too. Or had those…21

---22

Susan’s Diary. March 323

Met with Jim at the local Starbuck’s today. Funny in this modern age that there is still only one local Starbuck’s. It’ll change soon, I’m sure. Jim is just as odd as I remembered. But he has a good contact in a local law firm. I hadn’t considered them before because they’re way too prestigious for me. I studied law in college, but didn’t go into it right away. Now I’m interested in breaking into the field, but haven’t had much luck – I guess many think I’m too old to learn new tricks. But Jim seems to think this law firm will give me a chance. More likely, they just need anyone and aren’t too picky. He makes it out like I’m someone special that they handwrote a request for. I know him, though – he’s given to flattery. I know partially he was trying to hit on me. He tried to ask me to dinner, I didn’t think it was a good idea. Then he mentioned who else would be present at the dinner, and I accepted. I’m going to tell Daniel that I’m meeting with one of the higher-ups, but I still think I should leave Jim out of it. Daniel will protest, tell me not to trust him. And maybe I shouldn’t, but can’t I give a guy the benefit of the doubt?24

---25

Y’know, ya never realize what you take fer granted til you lose it. People’ll tell you that a lot, but you won’t never listen, til it happens to you. Then all of a sudden everthing has meaning, everthing is special, and you never want to let it go. I took her smile fer granted. Just lips and teeth, sure, but I miss feelin it in my soul. She got to me that deep, y’know. It’s why it hurts so damn much now. She was my life. Ain’t nothin can replace that. So hold the one you love. You never know about tomorrow.26

---27

Susan’s Diary. March 428

The fated meeting went down today. I was so nervous. My hands were shaking as I held the menu and I didn’t know what would be proper to order. Jim and the boss man just grinned at me – they knew how nervous I really was. It hurt to see they were laughing at me, but I guess getting where I want to go will be worth it. Sometimes you just have to deal with unsavory characters. Something really struck me about the big guy. He was just like Jim. Is that how it’s going to be? Will I have to interact with vaguely creepy schmucks the rest of my life? Do I want that?29

Anyway, the guy seemed to like me. Which is what’s important, I guess. He wants to come meet the family. I don’t know how that will go over. I need to talk to Daniel about it.30

---31

Susan was always so trusting. Sometimes that does not pay. You’ll see that it did not for her. I can’t begrudge her none, who am I to judge the dead. I just wish she had told me bout it first, is all. Things mighta been different.32

She never did nothin bad in her life, at least not nothin too bad. Nothin damning, I’d say. But what she did do was trust a man who she shouldn’t’ve. He’s in jail now, but it’s too late for her.33

---34

Susan’s Diary. March 535

Had a talk with Daniel. Just about the boss-man coming over. He doesn’t like it. But he’s kind of paranoid. So I’m going to tell him to come at a time when it’ll just be me and Allie May. It should be alright, and then I might be a step closer to the career of my dreams!36

---37

I guess it’s about time I get into what happened. See, Susan’d been thinkin on gettin a new job for awhile. She never had gone into law yet. Out of the blue a friend from college called her. He was a law dude too. I never liked the man. Guess that’s why Susan didn’t tell me she heard from him. Only reason I know is cuz during the investigation… the police asked me did I know about it, and I said I reckon I didn’t. Still hurts that she would keep it from me. I can make guesses why, but I will not read her diary. I found it, y’know. But even know I respect her privacy. Part of me’s afraid to, anyhow, cuz she may of written somethin negative that I don’t wanna hear. I know she loved me. But everone has there bad days. And it’s no sense cryin over something she might of wrote that she never meant. Susan thought she could trust the man, I suppose. If I had to guess I’d say she felt she couldn’t trust him but thought it’d be okay since she might of gotten a good thing out of it. I could keep sayin if only, but what of it?38

---39

Daniel drives the Pontiac up the street, thinking about his day and how he’s going to make Susan laugh with a story about work. The cell phone makes him jump. It’s Allie May, she needs to stay after school for a project. It’s alright, now he and Susan will have a few hours in the house alone. He thinks of her stripping seductively for him, and it’s all he can do not to burn rubber to the driveway. He clicks down the turn signal, and wheels into the gravel lane in front of the house. Halfway out of the car, he notices the front door. It’s cracked a bit. He freezes, and his vision narrows on that crack. Nothing else exists but the front door, which shouldn’t be open like this. Susan never leaves it open. She’s very particular about keeping the door locked, even though this is a nice neighborhood. He takes a second to decide whether to run or walk slowly to the door, but then he’s just suddenly there, staring at the crack up close and personal. Scuff marks on the floor just inside glare up at him. His heart pounds and blood is all he can hear, pumping mightily and beating on his eardrums. Suddenly he’s in the hall, and it’s a total mess. He shuts out the thoughts banging on the door to his consciousness, and just takes it in. Everything is on the floor: a broken lamp, a fallen table, and a red trail that he hopes is not blood. Hesitantly, he follows it, realizing he might be in danger but not caring. 40

He rounds the corner into the kitchen, and it is there that his heart seems to stop. He can feel his face drain of blood and color as he sees a pool of someone else’s blood on the floor. But that is not the biggest shock. There is his beloved wife, lying broken on the floor. She looks so beaten and terrible, his lips begin to quiver. He is brought to his knees beside her, unknowingly kneeling in her blood. He feels for a pulse: it’s there, but so weak. He leans down and kisses her cheek, leaving tears that he can no longer help. She is looking at him, he thinks, and she opens her mouth and he thinks he hears “…never raped me…” and he sobs and holds her. One more time her lips part and he hears “I l-" and it is broken by a rattling exhale. He knows it is her last. He falls apart in her unfeeling arms.41

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LOCAL WOMAN MURDERED IN HOME42

Yesterday a local woman, Susan Jennings, was killed in her own home. She was found by her husband at 5:30 PM and died shortly thereafter. She had been beaten with a blunt object and then stabbed four times. Police arrived upon the scene and saw signs of forced entry. The killer has not been found.43

Police chief William Bristol says that the investigation is ongoing. "From Mrs. Jennings' diary, we know this is a middle-aged man who is associated with James Miller." Miller is being held in police custody under charges of accomplice to first degree murder.

---44

I won’t never know why she chose to tell me she weren’t raped. That don’t matter now, and it didn’t help much then. I reckon it would’ve been better had she said “I love you” first. But she never said it. I never heard it again in that voice. Life has gone on, sure, but it ain’t no picnic. I don’t believe I’ll ever love again. And they ain’t never caught the bastard that done it. 45