Sam lied death like still, his body and hospital gowns where drenched with sweat and his fist would occasionally tighten and then relax. Gentle tears, gone unnoticed by the nurse, would often roll down his face, dampening the pillow beneath. He had remained, in what the doctors had confirmed, a suspended consciousness, in which his body is almost completely dead besides heart, lungs, brain, and the occasional muscle spasm for 12 hours.1
“Miss Riley,” said the nurse. “There’s nothing more we can do.” 2
Ms. Riley didn’t respond, she had heard all she need to hear and was ready to rip her ears off. She simply moved her hand from the edge of the bed and on to his chest, and kissed his wet forehead, wetting it more with her tears. She then removed a hidden handkerchief from her sleeve, and patted away her tears as she left the room. Sam stayed still, his mind was a whirl wind of spinning thoughts and emotions that formed storm clouds in his head. They rained and thundered like hell as Sam’s mind began to do nothing but dream… dream subconscious thoughts. Deep within these thoughts, hidden memories and unknown perceptions formed, human and some other instinct form to show him a slide show of thought which he would comprehend to be the future 3
Sam entered the dream quite pleasantly as his forehead was thrown into the side of boat. He sat up rubbing his head and steadying him self by forcing down the other hand. The boat he was on was small, but big enough to have two layers. In the interior decorations and furniture were tossed about, shattering on walls and finally flying out a window to the angry sea. He stood up, almost loosing his balance and falling. The sky seemed dyed black as bolts of blinding lighting struck uncomfortably and rolling thunder further shook the boat. In the distance trumpets sounded and white figures swarmed around him. Sam new this day… It was Judgment day. He quickly grabbed the latter next to him and held with all his might as he slowly climbed toward something he heard as a voice. He threw himself onto the upper platform only to be hoisted up by a mysterious hand. He opened his eyes to come face to face with his uncle. 4
“Hold on Sam!” He hollered over the rushing water, and the cries of angles from up above. “This is about to get a little bumpy.”5
He looked before him only to be horrified by a ungodly hole in the sea that spanned at least a mile and would soon plunge him and his uncle into the very bowels of oblivion. 6
“Are you completely insane,” said Sam attempting to apprehend the wheel. 7
“I have to be,” he replied goosing the throttle. “Besides this is the only way to get to her.”8
“Get to whom?”9
“Not who Sam, it… The Origin.”10
“Sam, wake up! Sam this is not your time,” said his uncle. 11
He stopped yelling, smoothing his light hair with his hand. He breathed easy, gently cupping his head in his palms. He closed his eyes and imagined peace, and serenity. He felt a cool summer’s breeze and the warmth of the sun. But then he lost these as they vanished through his hands and into the panicked and agitated state of Sam’s mind. They seeped in, calming the whirl wind in his mind and settling the violent storms clouds that polluted his usual relaxed mind. Sam’s spasm’s reduced, the sweat began to stop and slowly but definitely his brain began to reanimate the seemingly dead parts of his body. His heart rate increased pumping vital blood and oxygen to every part of his body. He had just recovered from something that all would have failed to, all humans that is. 12
“Thank god Sam isn’t human,” his uncle whispered under his breath. 13
“Um, excuse me,” said a young girl as she attempted to pass him into Sam’s room.14
The girl was young, maybe just older than Sam. Her hair was nothing special brown with the every so often streak of blond. He skin seemed darker than usual in that part of the country and would reveal a small blemish or birth mark. Her legs were short but her body was long. Her long, almost foreign looking, pony tail reached all the way to her waist. She wore a short jean skirt and a pink shirk with the words “Abercrombie and Fitch” printed on the front. 15
“Now wait just a second, I believe that he is only to be seen by family only.”16
“Ohhh, well tell him Shelby was here would you?”17
He looked back at Sam, now stirring more like a human and less like a broken toy dog. His breathing was leveling out, and he wasn’t entirely covered in sweat anymore. 18
“Screw it,” he said opening the door for her. She gave him a faint smile and then passed into the room; disappearing as he shut the door.19
He made a quick glance to check if anyone had seen her invasion and then ventured on to find his sister-in-law and tell her the news of his recovery.20
“Sam? Baby?” Whispered Shelby faintly as she approached his body.21
He opened his eyes, just above squinting. He was confused, somewhat dazed, his head, even though cured, was still trying to sort out what has happened. He couldn't tell who Shelby was, even her voice was hard for his ears to comprehend.22
“Sam,” she whispered again, this time touching his arm.23
He didn’t respond to that. He sat quietly trying to figure out who this was and what was happening. He moaned, his mind already exhausted was forced to do more work, and then fell back onto his pillow and passed out. Shelby sat down on the bed kissing his lips lightly before lying almost entirely on top of him and falling asleep too. 24
“Unna,” said Sam’s uncle quietly as he found her, with her head between her knees in the waiting room.25
She didn’t look up, obviously not hearing or caring about her brother-in-laws greeting. 26
“Unna,” he said less enthusiastic and touching her shoulder.27
She shot up instantly pushing him away, her pale face was red with tears, her hair, now easier to see, was messy and un-kept.28
“Greg,” she said her voice raspy from obvious hours of sobbing. 29
She arose coming into his arms and releasing a truck load of tears. 30
“Shhhh,” Greg said smoothing her wild red hair and rocking her slightly until she slumped back into her seat. 31
He sat next to her, at a loss for words, holding her hand and still rocking.32
“Don’t worry, ‘bout a thing, cause every little thing is gonna be alright. Don’t worry, ‘ bout a thing, cause every little thing is gonna be alright,” he sang softly in her ear. 33
She looked up at him with a mixed face. Then she once again embraced him and continued to cry in his arms. They remained in silence, absorbing this awkward feeling that floated around them like a heavy fog. The hospital waiting room fell into total silence; it was never easy for on lookers to watch someone break down like that. Her cry’s filled the wing, making everyone just a little more uncomfortable. 34
“Shhhhh, Unna? Listen,” he said softly in her ear. “He’s going to be alright.”35
“How do you know that,” she screamed lifting her head up and pushing him away.36
Greg stood up. Giving her a sideways look.37
"Will you calm down for one five hundredth of a second to let me explain," said Greg with equal intensity. 38
Unna stood up, clenching her fist, making some people in the waiting stand up or leave. 39
"Oh excuse me for having the slightest mood today, I mean Sam is just lying half lifeless, in a hospital bed. No my mood is just out of fucking hand!," she screamed bring all activity in the hospital to a stop.40
Greg stood with his hand just in front of his chest, smiling lightly out of the right side of his mouth.41
"Quite done?" He asked.42
She ran at him, swinging her fist wildly, only to have both arms apprehended. He squirmed wildly, screaming and kick before coming to rest on her knee's, sniffing lightly, obviously crying again. He lifted her up, holding her tightly again. 43
"Common," he said, I want you to see something," He said taking her hand and leading her to Sam's room. 44
She resisted a little but then came with him, eager to see what he ment by saying "He's going to be alright." With Greg leading the way, they entered the room, seeing Shelby almost completely on top of Sam.45
"That was not what I wanted you to see," said Greg as Shelby awoke and removed her self.46
"Hi Mrs. Lupa," said Shelby nervously.47
Unna didn't even seem to be affected by Shelby's appearance. She was completely immersed in the fact that Sam was looking at her.48
"M-mom," he said quietly, just barely audible.49
She walked slowly to Sam, her bottom lip quivering.50
"Sam," she wailed, grabbing him and holding him so tightly. "Oh Sam your alive!" 51
Greg looked at her, sniffing a bit as a tear worked it's way out of him. 52
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I clicked on this link with every intention of leaving a long, in-depth, critique and my thoughts on the piece. But I was literally stumped by the first sentence. The beginning of a piece should be the strongest part of the story.
The beginning is one of the most important parts of the story. This is where you convince the reader that it's worth reading all five-ten-howevermany pages. If a story doesn't have a hook and doesn't advertise the story with some catchy beginning, the reader is as likely to move along after the first couple paragraphs as to read on. Readers are picky and fickle critters. This story's first sentence is just confusing to be honest.
"Sam lied death like still, his body and hospital gowns where drenched with sweat and his fist would occasionally tighten and then relax."
More specifically, the bit "Sam lied death like still," makes no sense -
Oh. I just looked at your profile. If English is your second language, I can understand the grammatical errors. "Lied" comes form the verb "to lie" (to tell an untruth). You probably want "Sam lay as if dead" or "Sam was lying as if dead".
"where" should be "were". "Where" is an adverb which means "in, or at, or to what place". "Were" is a conjugation of "To be".
On general, these may seem relatively small, but they seriously affect the read. You story's pretty good so it's a shame that these little errors weaken it.
Overall, I think you have something great working here. The story works on creating a tone and narrator's semi-formal voice that really allows the reader to feel a connection. It's a great foundation and a solid story.
I wish you the best of luck writing (and revising if you chose to)!
Nocturne -
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Thanks, i suck at grammar and such, i really do try though so thanks.
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"He stood up, almost loosing his balance and falling."
"loosing" should be "losing", when spelled with two O's it's pronounced like "your tooth is loose."
"Sam new this day… It was Judgment day"
"new" should be "knew", when spelled "new" it means "new" in the sense "I have new shoes."
"He quickly grabbed the latter next to him and held with all his might as he slowly climbed toward something he heard as a voice. "
"Latter" should be "Ladder".
"Are you completely insane,” said Sam attempting to apprehend the wheel."
insane should have a question mark after it, not a comma.
“I have to be,” he replied goosing the throttle. “Besides this is the only way to get to her.”
"Besides" should have a comma after it.
“Sam, wake up! Sam this is not your time,” said his uncle.
The second "sam" should have a comma after it, and the sentence would have better flow if you said "isn't" instead of "is not".\
"Her hair was nothing special brown with the every so often streak of blond."
"Nothing special" should have a comma after it, otherwise it makes it sound like your saying the color of her hair was "nothing special brown".
"He skin seemed darker than usual in that part of the country and would reveal a small blemish or birth mark."
"he" should be "her" (just a typo), there should be a comma after usual, and "that part of the country" should have something added after it, like "people's skin wasn't usually so light" or something.
“How do you know that,” she screamed lifting her head up and pushing him away.
"how do you know that" should have a question mark after it, and "screamed" should have a comma after it.

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no one loves me.... some one please comment.




