SR Murders1
By Andy Stephenson and Geri Fitzsimmons 2
Chapter Five3
Dr. Neil Harris had been shocked when he read the newspaper article concerning the suicide of Michelle Baine. Since her death came the morning after a Michelle called the show, the name sparked a memory making him feel disgusted with himself. He also felt a pang of guilt that stayed with him through four hours of catering to the mostly manufactured complaints of his wealthy patients.4
He managed to cut his usual fifty-minute appointments to forty-five without attracting any rancor for the shortened sessions. Having strung together twenty extra minutes in his busy schedule, he combined them with a skipped lunch and settled at his desk before noon. His monitor was soon flashing the news’ stories and he honed in on ‘Young woman found dead in Westside apartment identified as Michelle Blaine…’5
Following the reporter’s progression of events backwards Neil was immersed in tales of other recent New York suicides, when his secretary interrupted to inform him, today last appointment had arrived.6
Dr. Harris spent his full fifty minutes with the young professional, who assured him nearly all the males were harassing her in her firm, because none of them was her equal. Now and then she resorted to quiet tears to further impresses the Doctor of her abuse.7
Neil was sympathetic and tried to remain attentive but the story of Michelle kept invading his mind. It stayed with him when he tried for his usual late afternoon nap. He didn’t sleep a wink. 8
So he had unburdened his soul to Joe Farley. Spent the remainder of his time in a pleasant climate, comfortable in familiar surroundings.9
Then as he left Mallory’s pub and started for the station, the memory of Michelle rejoined him.10
The girl needed help and he had known it. Helping tormented minds was what he’d been trained to do. However, the station policy was to refer such callers to the Crisis Line. “Damn it!” the heel of his right palm hit the steering wheel. She had called him…not some poorly trained volunteer. 11
He swung the BMW into his parking space at the rear of the studio. Of the night crew only Mark Gheil’s space was closer to the entrance. Neil acknowledged the security guard’s “Evening Doc.” And moved down the carpeted hallway to the producer’s office.12
The door was ajar and he pushed it open.13
Mark Gheil was edging into the middle of his thirtieth year of life. The cherry wood desk he was parked behind, camouflaged part of a two hundred pound hard body, distributed on a six-three frame. His mahogany hair was extra rich in copper so it glittered in the overhead light. “Neil?” He made it a question as he glanced up.14
“Got a minute, Mark?” Neil stepped rapidly into the room. His five foot ten body preferred to have Mark remain seated.15
“Five minutes is about all we got.”16
“I’ll make it quick.” Neil leaned on the desk. His face stiff, his brown eyes gone black with growing anger. “A girl called the other night. Michelle Baine. We pawned her off to the Crisis Center. She killed herself.” His tone reflected his bitterness. “Committed suicide that morning. I should have talked with her…”17
“Hold on.” Mark snapped. “I already heard. Now listen to me. There’s no connection with the show. It’s got to stay that way. Damn it. We don’t need that kind of publicity.” 18
“Publicity? Christ! A girl is dead.”19
“Just you wait!” Mark rose quickly to confront Neil. “ We got trouble enough. Your show isn’t exactly a headliner. Connelly would like an excuse to replace you with another generic talk show.”20
Neil pushed back from the desk to step back stiffly. His features seemed to dissolve in disbelief. “Connelly offered me this show. I didn’t come looking for it.”21
“That’s the boss.” Mark slumped back down in his chair. “He comes up with ideas, but somebody else has to make them profitable. So give me a break Neil. I’m jiggling three shows, trying to keep everyone happy.” He finger combed his thick hair. “The girl’s suicide is a tragedy. Still, tying her to the show could open up the station to a potential lawsuit.”22
Neil sat on the edge of the desk. His anger faded and his eyes couldn’t hold Mark’s stare as he said, “There is more than just one.” 23
“What?” 24
“I’m fairly certain there’s been a few others in the past several months.”25
Mark’s tanned face seemed to gray as he sharply said, “You’re wrong—you have to be wrong.”26
“After Michelle’s death, I started remembering. There were a few others who might have called the program. I wasn’t sure so I went online. I only had first names but I did find six suicides. I discussed it with a detective friend of mine…”27
“You did what?” Mark was on his feet again. 28
“Don’t flip. Joe will be discreet. I’ll tell him to try and keep my name and the show out of it.”29
“In what universe? If he finds the slightest hint of a connection between any death and our show, it’ll go in his reports.” Mark never hid angry well. 30
Neil knew his producer was royally pissed at him. He made a quick excuse, “It’s getting late.” and a fast exit. 31
In a list
A bit of editing would help along with opinions [Reward: double points]
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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ooooooo
That was the most awesome mystery thing i've read since sherlock holms and dr. watson. Where did you get the Idea. Ingenious, It was a very fun read i'll have to tell my friend about it. on a emotional level it gave me the heebee geebeeies the good ones though. I just wanted to curl up with my iMac and a flash light. Hee hee. Keep it up I'll read your other ones cause your writing has awesome flow to it.
*bows down on knees"unworthy*
. Rewarded 8
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Thank you so much for picking something of ours to comment on. The novel is our first attempt at working together
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We've been creating this novel since March, so there's 30 chapters already in the file and more coming.
So far it has received pretty incouraging reviews. I'm glad you like it and do hope you will continue to read and comment.
Geri
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Thank You
Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. We appreciate it. I'm glad you like our story. Nice of you to read us. I hope you'll enjoy it as you go on with it.
I'm not exactly certain how the idea came about. The story from which we based this novel was a contest entry.
Andy
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Poor guy went through the day aimlessly. Poor Mark is about to catch a stroke when Harris tells him about Joe...another good chapter
. Rewarded 4
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Thank You
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. We are very glad that you've started our story. We hope that you will continue with it and enjoy it as you go.
Andy
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A good chapter again. Neil has a lot of guilt on his mind about the girls death, doesn't he. Just wondering if you deliberately spelt Michelle Baine as Michelle Blaine in paragraph 5. Might have been the newspapers i guess. Anyway. I don't much like Mark. He seems to be a very insensitive prick. Just worried about his own skin really, not others.
Paragraph 30....I think it would sound better if you said 'Mark never hid anger well' rather than 'Mark never hid angry well' Sorry, but it doesn't sound right and pulled me up abruptly.A good job all the same.
. Rewarded 8
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'Blaine'
is it--I thought we caught all those. Oh Andy...
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You are certainly following the plot and getting everything we hoped for out of the words, characters and activity.
Ouch! Anger-Angry and you are so right--thanks.
Geri
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Very Good
This is a great chapter that moves the plot forward. Showing other side of the characters, nice job authors!
You take it look at this sentence:
Neil knew his producer was royally pissed at him. He made a quick excuse, “It’s getting late.” (and a fast exit.)
and a fast exit does not sound right to me.
Thought:
When I was reading you refer males and females for people. Since the women are victims, so call people men and women. When I read male and female i feel disattach from the story. This novel about feeling attach with all the characters
Lynn
. Rewarded 8
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Been here...still digging it...read this, people!
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Something about angry bosses is always amusing.
I did find myself wondering why you had gone back in time a pace, though. In the last scene, Neil already knew about the suicides and had told Joe, and now you're telling us how he spent his time digging though files. Doesn't flow quite right, in my head - I actually wonder if you need half so much of the first part of this as you have. Just a thought... Also, didn't he tell Joe that he had checked call logs to confirm first names? But here says it was all memory? Or is my own memory going...(I'm too young for Alzheimers... ). Anyways, not a whole lot new in this chapter except for the angry producer, but still very well written. I can't wait to see how they solve this.
Notes:
* Para 4: Hm...I don't like the second sentence in this paragraph... I don't know if it's disorganized or something else, though. *laughs*
* Para 6: Oy vey, commas...hm, I think you need a comma after "backwards" but don't need one after "suicides," and I think the comma after "inform him" should be taken out and replaced with "that" - what do you think? Also, I think it should be "today's last appointment."
* Para 7: "none of them WERE," since them is plural. Do you mean "impress" instead of "impresses"? Also, you don't usually "impress abuse," do you? Maybe something like "impress the state of her abuse on the doctor." Which reminds me - doctor doesn't need to be capitalized unless you're using it as a direct title - thus Doctor Neil, or just the doctor.
* Para 9: The second sentence here isn't actually a sentence - it's a fragment.
* Para 11: I think you need to capitalize the word "the" in "The heel of his right palm."
* Para 12: Here's what I think: Neil acknowledged the security guard's, "Evening, doc," and moved down the carpeted hallway..." What do you think?
* Para 14: No need for the comma just before "camouflaged" and "two-hundred-pound" should be hyphenated, like so.
* Para 17: The sentence starting with "his face stiff" is actually a fragment - I think you could tack it onto the end of the previous sentence with no harm incurred. And I wonder if "the next morning" would sound better than "that morning" - course, that could just be personal preference.
* Para 18: A comma instead of a period after "Hold on" please.
* Para 22: Well, "jiggling" works, but I can't help but wonder if you actually meant "juggling." *laughs*
* Para 31: Try a comma instead of a period after "getting late."
. Rewarded 8
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Looks like the editing mistakes have been beaten to death so I'll focus on the story.
Pretty ballsy of Neil to confide in the cop, first, then to Mark. Damn lucky not to be fired...
Dr. Neil has a pretty good memory since he remembered a few others that called and seemingly ended up killing themselves. This should make for interesting plot movement. Eagerly looking forward to the next installment.
. Rewarded 8
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Ok, so first off Blondie caught everything I saw except in 5.
'..interrupted to inform him, today last appointment...'
Needs to lose the comma and today is today's.
' ..interrupted to inform him that today's last appointment...'
In 12 I think you could get away with changing '..acknowledged the security guard's "Evening Doc." And moved down the hall...' to:
'...acknowledged the security guard's "Evening Doc," as he moved down the hall..'
Just some thoughts.
As for the chapter itself I find it interesting that Mark is telling him to keep quite about what he's found out. Also that Connelly is the head man of the station, which explains Marks reaction.
It will be interesting to see what Joe finds out and just how much he does give to the media.
Very interesting story here and I look forward to seeing how the pieces fall together.
Greg
. Rewarded 8
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Some quick spelling/punctuation/grammer errors;
[7] 'impress' not 'impresses' In this first half of this paragraph the use of 'assured' doesn't appear to be the right word to use in this context, and the rest of the sentence is awkward. Try re-writing as; "Dr. Harris spent his full fifty minutes with the young professional. She gave assurances that she felt the only reason all of the males in her firm were harassing her, was that none of them were her equal." This flows better.
[8] Misuse of 'sympathetic' - you can show sympathy, but you need to be empathetic.
[12] The last sentence doesn't seem to sequence properly from the last. You haven't given a relative position of the security guard. Where is he located? Try maybe; "Neil acknowledged the security guard’s greeting as he entered the foyer. Turning a corner, he moved down the carpeted hallway to the producer’s office."
[14] Rewrite this; "The cherry wood desk he was parked behind, camouflaged part of a two hundred pound hard body, distributed on a six-three frame." Perhaps try "His six-three frame, upon which two hundred pounds of hardened muscle hung, was somewhat camoflaged by the cherrywood desk he sat behind" works better as you set the precedent in the previous sentence of describing him (and not the desk), thus the emphasis of the following sentence should be on his body first rather than a piece of furniture.
[15] Don't personify in the last sentence. Simply state "As a mere five foot ten - short in comparison - he preferred Mark remain seated.
[18] "Hold on," rather than "Hold on."
[20] close the gap between the inverted commas and your statement.
[30] 'hid anger' not 'hid angry'
[31] 'followed by a fast exit' rather than 'and a fast exit'
Apart from those edits, another good chapter.
. Rewarded 8
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You know I really appriciate all this editing. Now I'll go clubber Andy for missing so much
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