Michael and Jamie walked down the hallway together in the Grand Hotel. Michael took out his key for their suite. He unlocked the door, they entered the suite and Jamie turned on the lights.
“Michael, your room is to the left. Chloe and I have the joining bathroom to our bedrooms. So you'll have a private bathroom.” 1
“Chloe told me that earlier in the evening.” “Sorry,” Jamie said. 2
He grabbed her arm. “It’s all right to cry or scream.” 3
She patted on his hand and he let go of her. Jamie moseyed over to the sofa, she sat down, and began taking off her boots. Michael took off his black leather jacket and walked to the sofa. He laid it on the sofa as he headed for the windows. Jamie watched him closed the curtains. He headed for the mini refrigerator. 4
“Could you please pour me some water, Michael?” 5
Michael grabbed the pitcher and reached for the glasses on the cart. He poured some water for her and himself; walked over to her. 6
“Thank you,” she said gazing into his eyes. 7
“Your welcome and nice boots,” Michael said. 8
“My feet are telling me that they are new.” She sip on her water and rubbed her feet. 9
Michael's feelings were all over the place as he sat down in the overstuff recliner. He took a sip of the cool and refreshing water as it went down his dry and hot throat. His eyes wandered back to Jamie. 10
“Have you wondered why people kill and steal?” she asked. 11
Michael got up from the chair and walked over to her. He set his glass on the coffee table in front of them. 12
“Many times. I’ve learn trying to answer that question would make a person go insane.” He rubbed her back. 13
“There are many times, I want to go hide in a cave.” She leaned back on the sofa. “My knight blood doesn’t want any part with that nonsense.” She grabbed his hand that was around her shoulder. 14
“I think that I’ve inherit that gift too.” His thumb stroked the top of her hand. 15
She put her head on his shoulder. “Devon seemed to be worried while you talk to him in KITT.” He looked down at her. “He cares about you and so do I.” 16
“I know.” 17
“Where’s Chloe?” “Out doing her thing, I’ll call her.” Jamie started to get up from the sofa. 18
He placed his hand on her face. “Don’t,” he whispered. 19
She waited for his move. Michael knew when a woman wanted him and Jamie gave him all the signs. She was not a passing love. She would always be in and out of his life. The woman he wanted sat next to him, who was Wilton Knight's niece. Right now, he did not care about her past. 20
Jamie leaned back in the sofa and she rested her head on his shoulder. He stroked her ear as she grabbed his other hand. Michael tilted his head. She closed her eyes as his warm breath touched her skin. His hand went under her hair on the back of her head. She moved closer to him. Michael was about to reach her lips. 21
The door opened and closed as they heard footsteps in the foyer of the suite. Jamie sat back down in the sofa as Michael’s arm was around her neck. 22
“Hello, loves. I’m back,” Chloe yelled as she walked into the living room of the suite as Jamie and Michael sat on the sofa. “I think my timing is off tonight.” 23
“Chloe, your timing is perfect. I’ve to meet Devon in a couple of hours and I need to make a stop first,” Michael explained as he rose from the sofa. 24
“It seems that I broke up a party for two,” Chloe replied. 25
“No you didn’t. Could you get my file off my desk in my room?” Jamie asked. 26
“Sure.” Chloe walked to Jamie’s bedroom. 27
“Michael, I’ve a file that I need you to give Devon for me.” 28
“Not a problem.” He grabbed his leather jacket. 29
Chloe walked over to Michael and gave him the file. 30
“You two ladies keep this door locked while I am gone.” 31
Michael leaned down kissed Jamie on her forehead. He walked over to the foyer, went to the door, and left the suite.32
Author notes
base on the tv show Knight Rider
In a list
If you find any nits in this chapter, please give me examples so I can understand what you are trying to tell me, Thank you
Comments
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"She patted on his hand" --she patted his hand
Jamie moseyed over to the sofa, she sat down, and began taking off her boots. --separate by periods or replace with "sat down"
vary word choice of the verb take off.
I would say your describing too many of the nuances of their actions. You don't have to describe EVERYTHING a character does.
I haven't read the previous chapters, but their dialog seems...strict. is this intended?
gazing doesn't seem to fit "gazing into his eyes"
she sip on her water? she sipped?
vary word choice: sip.
how do you take a sip as it moves down ur throat?
I've learn? i'ved learned?
Show more of the character's facial emotions maybe?? It seems like you say alot of action but not always build character
"was about to when the door opened?" maybe
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Hi Voldo,
Thank you for reading this chapter.
Have you noticed when person want to say something but not sure how the other person going to take. When they are stuck in the same room, they keep themselves busy by doing things. That is what going on here.
the dialogue was inteneded to be strict.
This is chapter 5, Michael and Jamie characters are set and this was not a chapter to build on them but showing their relationship.
lynn
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This is a good linking chapter.
Are you having a nice leisurely roll in the sun; my kitkats are
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Sorry I missed last weeks. I’ll catch up one of these days—had to clean the dust bunnies out of the playpen, Greg couldn’t find his way out
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This is a good linking chapter. You put just enough into the activity to keep the plot moving along but didn’t overwrite.
You might want to check how many times (She put her head on his shoulder.)
Here are a few other things to look at:
“My feet are telling me that they are new.” She sip (sips or siped)on her water and rubbed her feet. 9
He took a sip (here sip echoes with the one above why not just use drink). of the cool and refreshing water as (and) it went down his dry and hot throat.
“Many times. I’ve learn (learned) trying to answer that question would make a person go insane.”
She put her head on his shoulder. “Devon seemed to be worried while (when?) you talk (talked) to him in KITT.”
“Where’s Chloe?” “Out doing her thing, I’ll call her.” Jamie started to get up from the sofa. 18 Need separate paragraphs for these two lines.
Jamie sat back down in the sofa as Michael’s arm was (went) around her neck. 22
“Chloe, your timing is perfect. I’ve (got or have) to meet Devon in a couple of hours and I need to make a stop first,”
Geri
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Paragraph 10: "Michael's feelings...(et al)" To me, the phrase "all over the place" doesn't fit anywhere in any narrative. In diagloue of certain characters maybe.
Knight Rider was a show a tad before my time, so I've no emotional connection to it. But it seems good from what I can tell. You have a certain way with words, and for that I applaud you. Good characters, good details, and good descriptions. Admittedly I haven't read the other chapters yet, but this one is still good. Good job.
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