the man looked up,the sun baking the desert that would one day become the american southwest. the sky was a deep blue,not a cloud in the sky. in the distance,he saw a single line of black smoke,a camp of strange men with white skin and clubs that strike like thunder. he approched the camp,a morbid curiousity at the creatures these men rode. he had never seen such animals,these hornless deer. he turned to see one of the white men standing behind him,speaking in a strange tongue. he wore object around his neck that shone the same color of the sun. he pointed a small stick,and moved his hand at the base,a thunderous boom sounding as the man fell dead,his eyes looking toward the sun once more.
Comments
-
Dude, your fuggin amazing, bro, really. I truly love your work!
-
Oh sad day. Good discriptions though. I liked this. It was short but you could sence the whole story. I think you did very well.
Elli -
You use such wonderful imagery! You are a fantastic writer! That is brilliantly written! Sorry, I got a bit excited for a moment there. Wow....
-
First of all, I love your picture!
I actually gave my professor a t-shirt with that same picture on it, after he took our class on a month of hiking in the southwest! For your story: I really like the way you give this story from the point of view of the native, seeing a white man for the first time. The confusion is well-played - I imagine it would be kind of like seeing aliens! Confusion, not really know what things are...good job! And I love the last line: "his eyes looking toward the sun once more." Great ending! You might want to try using capitalization, and spaces after your commas to give this a bit of polish and help it look more professional. Just a thought. Best of luck with all of your writing, and welcome to Storywrite! 
Adding your comment:
