Fuck it all. I don't care anymore. You all care, but do you really? You will always be here for me but will you really? I don't have your phone numbers when I sit in tears. I can't call you in the middle of the night and cry my eyes out. My life may not be as bad as yours but what if it is? I am awake at night, when you all sleep. Sitting in the darkness of my computer room, wanting to die. Nothing helps me inside. And none of you are here, not when I need you the most and I can't see the light. So I try to bleed but can't. I'm a failure at that too. I can't even cut right I can't even bleed. I can't stop the hurt inside that no one sees. If I came up missing would you even know? If I died tonight because I had no way to stop the pain, who would tell you? No one. I would just be another lost soul. A kid who took the easy way out. I am now labeled a freak by my own parents just because I dyed my hair black. I scare people at wal-mart (which is kinda funny, until no one will help you find box blades) I am who I am but all you see is the sweet Crystal who cares about everyone. Who has a big enough heart to remember to say good morning or hi or how is your day. That's all I am or at least all you want to see. But that isn't really me. Just remember, I have no one. My mom doesn't even want me. If I died tomorrow would you even care? Really care, or just say "She was an awesome person, It's such a shame, What went wrong, Why didn't I see it" You seen it you just never looked. Good night all. Don't worry I'll be fine. I will still be here tomorrow to tell you good morning, but just know I am dead inside. One day my body will catch up with me. 1
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yeah....
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I can relate to this. I remember sleepless nights where I wish I could die, but I was a coward and couldn't make myself bleed at all. This story has a profound message. And if you died, even though I don't know you very well, I would care.
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OMG!!!
OMG!!!! THIS IS SOO GOOD I LUV IT!!
I agree with this comment:
I somewhat understand how it feels, Crys, and I'm sorry. It hurts to feel like this. People say they understand how it feels... they don't really. Its not a comfort to be told that you're loved anymore... its doesnt make it go away. I know. And about not bleeding right? Hon, I'm not going to tell you how to cut correctly, because i dont want you to cut. It hurts. It's addicting... trust me. I used to say I'd never cut, and look at me now. My upper arm's so effing sore that I have to remind people not to even lean on me.
I wish I knew what to tell you, but I cant. I dont know.
Remember that I love you. We all do.
-Adam
very very true!
GREAT WRITE!! I LUV IT!!!!!
LUV IT VERY MUCH!!
KEEP WRITING!!
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yea im reading this a month later than when you wrote it, so hopefully your not feeling the same still, but you read my own story and so you know i understand how you feel to an extent at least, cuttings no good, i almost did this weekend, but yea um im willing to listen if you ever want me to
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what war?
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I somewhat understand how it feels, Crys, and I'm sorry. It hurts to feel like this. People say they understand how it feels... they don't really. Its not a comfort to be told that you're loved anymore... its doesnt make it go away. I know. And about not bleeding right? Hon, I'm not going to tell you how to cut correctly, because i dont want you to cut. It hurts. It's addicting... trust me. I used to say I'd never cut, and look at me now. My upper arm's so effing sore that I have to remind people not to even lean on me.
I wish I knew what to tell you, but I cant. I dont know.
Remember that I love you. We all do.
-Adam -
Crystal i love you hunni.. If you needa talk you can call me.. just reverse charges. I'd pay ANY amount to make you smile..
I hate this.. You shouldn't have to hurt.. U mean so much to me.. Don't wanna lose my mom.. 
Seriously i'll give u my number next time wer both on.. U have to be okay, i love u too much to just give up on you..
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You read my poem, so you know my anquish. Why I am on your favorites, I have no idea. Maybe because I have similar poetry of anguish.
When I came home from the war, missing a leg I just wanted to put a bullet to my head and die. I spent 6 months at the Walter Reed Hospital outside Washington D.C. No family or loved ones. Only other men who were dying of injuries and but worst their souls were dying.
Don't let your soul die, dear girl.
Edited on Dec 15, 1:08 p.m. because ''. -
Crystal, I had to come back in here. I forgot to leave a comment since I Instant Messaged you one about this. I meant everything I said and is why I gave you my phone number as well. So PLEASE use it if you want to and email also. I will reply to every email I get as I do with everyone. I hope you are feeling a little bit more loved by now with these responses.
s
Ted E.
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Ya know... we all leave a mark on those around us Crystal. We might not see it and we might not ever realize. but we do. You have no idea who os watching you. You do not see the little eyes that see you and imitate you. That soul in the shadows that looks up to you and imitates you. Trust me... there is someone there... not just for you... for all of us. You have a sphere of influence. The people around you whose lives you touch every single day. You may not even realize. You talk about saying hello and wishing someone a good day. Do you know how you make my face light up when I see you IM's? It means a great deal to me that this young girl takes time from her day, her family, her studies and friends her own age, just to say hello to ME! I value you more than you obviously know Crystal and I am sorry if I have failed to show you or make you feel important to me because you are. I love you Crystal!!
~Momma Kimberly
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crystal, I love you so much and you know I do. You are by far my best friend, if you want my number I would be more than glad to give it to you. Hell, you can call me at 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12 and so on and so on in the morning, day or night. I dont care. you are my best friend and I hate to see you hurt like this. You know I love you and you know I really listen to you, at least I hope you do. i love you so much and i never want to lose you. you have to go to my wedding and see my kids grow up and i want to go to yours and see your kids grow up. Together. You and I. Dont leave me crystal. I love you. If you ever need me, write me, call me, anything. Heres my number ~ 5018357894. i love you
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CJ, I know how you feel, or at least I know how it feels on my side when I have those thoughts. I used to wonder who would cry at or even come to my funeral. There are a lot of things in this world that are so worth living for. I mean if you were to leave us, who would I have to bug me with questions, call me moonpie or just ask me how my day is doing? It’s kind of selfish on my part, but at least I do think about that. The last couple days have been crappy for me too, so you’re not alone. I love ya sweetie.
Moonpie
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Crystal....
I LOVE YOU!
Don't die on me, please! I need you to talk to when boys are stupid! Is this what was wrong with you?!?!?!?! sadness! I love you! hopefully this is just a bunch of ranting and your not soo serious!
XoXo
NiKKi -
Oh, this is soo sad. I'm sorry, that really sucks. Great emotion, I liked the walmart part. I just wanna let you know that I'm hear to listen if you wanna ramble. Last two sentances are powerful, like, really powerful. I like the title too. I'm sorry. I don't really know what else to say, just great job, and if you ever need to talk, I'll listen.
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