Kisses of Pain: Part One

I stood in the middle of the room, knife in hand.  Someone at Jefferson High told me that cutting yourself somehow took away pain and suffering. My life was so fucking painful, I didn’t know if it would help or not.
‘Drew, do it. Do it, Drew. What are you waiting for. You’ve suffered too long. It’s time to end your pain. Do it now before your sister finds you,’ I thought to myself.
   I put the blade of the knife to my wrist. Pressing softly, I felt the blade sink slightly into my skin. I felt a twinge of something, pain trickling out in red blood. I watched the blood, smelled it’s rusty scent. Then I put the red tip of the knife onto the other wrist. Since I was righted handed and I was holding the blade in my left hand, the cut was a little bigger than I had anticipated. Blood flowed freely now. I smiled.
   I put my wrist up to my face and smelled the blood. The red in the dim lighting in the room looked black.
I thought to myself, ‘What does pain taste like? What does pain taste like after being held in for so long?’ Curious, I licked the blood. It taste heavily of salt. When it hit my back of my throat, I heard my mom’s dieing scream.
Tears streamed out of my eyes. I have not cried for years. I didn’t even cry at the funeral.
   I looked around my dark room. Then I walked over to my nightstand. I placed the blood stained knife on it and grabbed the tissue box off it.
I walked over to a corner in the room, I dropped the box and sank to the floor. I gentle wrapped my arms in tissues to stop the bleeding.
   After an hour just staring at the wall, I took the red tissues off the cuts. There was a new scab over the self-inflicted wound. I let lose the tension in my shoulders. That guy was right, cutting does help.
   Just then I heard the front door open and footsteps downstairs. Afraid that it might be Leah, or worse, I pulled my black sweatshirt down over my hands.
   My door to my room opened and in stepped Leah. She looked around my room and spotted the knife. Afraid she might suspect something I cleared my throat.
   Leah looked at me, “Drew. Good, your home. Dad’s and Mike are on their way home. Dad’s drunk and Mike has his little gang with him. What are you going…” She didn’t finish. There was a gunshot and we both knew that dad was home and he had a gun.
   Leah was the youngest in the family. She was a year younger than me and she was abused by Mike and his gang. Mike was our older brother. He always hangs with guys that like to have sex with girls and guys for pleasure. Mike’s gang was composed of all strong grown men. I wasn’t just beat up by Mike and his damn gang, I was beat up by my own father, too.
Leah looked terrified as she heard the multiple voices. Leah was fifteen. She told me last night that she was going to run away to her boyfriend’s house.
The voices grew louder and louder. I stood up and walked over to the nightstand where the knife lay. I grabbed the knife and opened a hidden door and pulled out four loaded guns. I cocked the guns and handed two out of the three handguns. I took the other handgun and the nine gage pistil.
   I put the pistil up to my shoulder, the knife on my belt, and the handgun in my pocket. I walked ahead of Leah, we were both ready for a fight.
I opened the front door and saw what we had to face. There were ten members of Mike’s gang, not including Mike and my drunk father. Each and everyone of them had some kind of weapon in their hands.
   The first shot was shot by my dad. It missed me by a foot. Dad didn’t stay and fight. He ran to his truck and drove away.
That left the gang. I shoot the pistil three times, hitting three guys. Not killing them, but putting them out of the fight. Then the rest of the gang charged at us. I took down two more and then I heard Leah scream. I turned around to see what they were doing to her.
   She lay on the ground, her clothes were laying next to her. A strong man was stroking her bare chest. I stared in horror.
“Well, well, well. Lets see. Should I be merciful to the little she git or should I let Johnny here have a fun time raping her?” I pointed my gun at Mike’s head.
   I dropped my gun as a bullet shoot my shoulder, “Fine. What do I got to do so you’ll leave Leah alone?” My voice was filled with pain and malice.
Mike smiled, “That’s a good little brother. Do as your older brother says to save the young bitch of a sister. You, my fine friend. Must take her place. Drew. You must do it with the meanest and roughest guy of our gang. Alex.” The tallest, strongest man came out from the crowd. I was too weak to resist.
   “Fine,” I said in a dry tone.
   Mike smiled, “Alex. Go have sex with Drew in my room. It’s by the living room.” Then Mike turned to Leah, “As for you, sis. You’ll be in the living room, where anyone can rape you if they want.”
I glared at Mike, too weak to resist the strong arms of Alex.
Once in Mike’s room, Alex threw me on the bed. He looked at my weak form with pity.
   I glared at him, to me he was the bad guy, “Well then. Get it over with, you fag.” Alex winced as if what I said hit him like a bullet. I pressed my free hand against my shoulder.
   “I may be gay, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to rape you. I want to help. I’m a friend of the family. I don’t want to hurt you. Now, where is something I can use to bind that wound. It probably has the bullet still in it,” Alex looked around the room. He found some pliers and cloth.
   My breathing got heavier as I said through gritted teeth, “You want… To help… Me and… Leah?” I was weak. After this, I would have lost a lot of blood.
   Alex came back and knelt by the bed, “Yes I do want to help you two. Are you ok?”
   I tried to say yes, but then Alex started to take out the bullet. I screamed.
   Once the bullet was out, more blood came gushing out. Alex worked quickly and carefully. He wrapped my shoulder up tightly and then pressed his hand gently against the wound.
   “You’re going to need some more blood. What are these cut marks? Are they from the gang or your dad?” Alex asked.
   I moaned, “Yeah… I’ll need more… blood… No the cuts… are from me… cutting myself… I don’t plan… to do it…again.” A scream came from the living room. Alex looked at the door.
   “Are you… Going to help… her?” I asked Alex.
   He looked back at my face, his eyes filed with tears, “I’ll try, but she will never be the same.” The room started to go black around the edges.
Alex could tell I was fighting to stay conscious, “Drew. I’m so sorry.I should have came early to help. Please forgive me.”
   “Alex… There’s nothing… to forgive… You tried… to save me…” Was all I said before I lost consciousness.
                                                    ****
   I woke up staring at a white ceiling. I was in the hospital, I knew that. Leah was in a bed next to mine, unconscious. I was hooked up to too many fucking machines. I could tell that I had gotten a blood transfusion, I just didn’t know who gave me their blood. I turned my head, not trying to unplug the breathing tube.
   Alex sat in a chair, asleep, between both beds. Dark circles under his eyes told me that he was truly worried about us and would do anything in his power to keep us safe.
   I yawned loudly, and Alex stirred.
   In the light, Alex looked handsome. He had black hair, that was just long enough to fall over his light blue eyes. He had perfect lips and stubble covered his chin. If I was gay, I’d be all over him. Something inside me unlocked. He was handsome and nice… And I was in love with him. Was I gay, or just confused. No, I couldn’t be confused, could I?
   “You’re awake. Good,” Alex smiled tiredly.
   I feebly tried to smile, “Yeah I am. I’m sorry… Did I wake you?” Alex got up and moved the chair closer to me so I could smell him. He smelled dimly of sweat and cologne. I took a deep breath, breathing in that scent.
Alex stroked my light brown hair and looked into my green eyes, “No you didn’t. I wasn’t even sleeping. I was dozing.”
   I looked from Alex entrancing blue eyes over to the form of my sister, “How’s Leah?”
   Alex followed my gaze, “She’s stunned. She’s woke up a few times. God she must have been scared to death. Your brother almost killed her by raping her over and over again. The doctors say she should wake up again soon. They also say, that when you can walk, you can go home. You might not want to go to your home, home. I thought that maybe… You’d like to stay with me. I’ll make sure nothing hurts you or Leah.”
   I sighed, “Alex.”
   Alex looked back into my eyes, “Yes?”
   “So… When did you decide you were… gay?” I asked, hoping that it wouldn’t offend him.
   Alex laughed in a nice, low tone, “I was about 10. Well so, 16... That is how old you are?” I nodded and he continued. “Your dad and I meant in high school. Man, he looked just like you at your age. Your dad and mom already were going to have you. I was 10. Started high school early. Anyhow, your father got drunk at a party and we ended up kissing. That’s when I decide I was gay. Why do you ask?”
   I looked away and Alex guessed, “You wouldn’t be happen to be turning gay on me?”
   I gave a little chuckle. Alex smiled, “No need to choose now. There will be plenty of time, little rascal.” Alex ruffled my hair. My face turned bright red and Alex laughed harder.
   I sighed as the pain in my shoulder told me that I was permanently scarred, “Alex. How old are you know?”
   Alex looked confused by the question, but answered anyway, “26 in June… Why?” I looked at the calendar, 20th of July.
   “When’s your birthday?” I asked, very interested. I was now starting to believe that I am gay.
   Alex seemed unperturbed by the odd number of questions I was asking him, “Umm… The 18th.”
   I looked dumbly at Alex, He looked back, “Why? Is it a bad thing that my birthday’s the 18th?” I collected myself.
   “No. I just find it weird… My birthday’s the 18th of July, too,” I stated. Alex laughed. I sighed painfully.
   A groan from Leah made us stop. Alex and my eyes went to the other bed in the room. Leah stirred and sat up, dazed.
   “Where am I?” she asked, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
   Alex looked at me and then walked over to Leah, “Your at the hospital. You’ve been out for about five days. It would have been six, but you woke up a couple of times. Drew’s been asleep for six days straight.”
   Leah looked at Alex confused and scared, “Who are you. Aren’t you one of Mike’s gang members?”
   Alex’s eyes filled with tears, I looked stunned, “My name’s Alex. No, I was apart of Mike’s gang, but that’s because I’m a friend of the family and I was appointed to watch over your two. So far I have done a poor job. For that I’m sorry. I never intended for any of this to happen, but things happen weather you will them to or not. I’ve already promised Drew that I would keep you two from harms way from now on. You can come live with me if you would like.”
   I looked at Leah’s pale face, “Would you like to live with Alex. I’m going to. You can live with your boyfriend if you want.” I was very surprised. My voice had much more intensity then I had anticipated. Alex started to laugh.
   The doctor came in and said that when we were ready, we could go home. So Alex got up and told us to stay here… Like we had any choice.