Taking the bullets together to embrace this love

I remember once, just shortly before I turned Eighteen that I had this dream I was in a blur paddock, covered in grass with a transparent sky, and the sky was raining crimson droplets all over my naked skin. In the center of the paddock in the swaying turquoise grass an old woman who stood with her head hung low, her fifties style dress swaying in the breeze.1

I was alone, the paddock was wide, and I could see no other way around it but to move forward. 2

So I did, I waded my way though the grass, the thistles. I scraped my feet along the haggard edges along the path. I could see nothing below me, but I could fee it. Gradually my skin was torn piece my piece, till my feet remained a mangled mess of scars and open wounds.3

I stood before the woman, whose head hung low, and placed a hand on her shoulder, sparking her alive. As if my fingertips were filled with an energetic force of power. She had come alive. As she raised her head, the crimson blood like droplets stopped; And I looked into the woman's face to see an older version of me.4

Startled I fuel back into the grass. My naked body now exposed to her. I was more than vulnerable. I was etched in pain. Every muscle and bone in my body ached with the need to be let go, to die to have someone pick me up and dust me of; To have someone attend to my many wounds.5

The woman smiled, a peaceful smile, and extended her long crooked hand towards me. Lifting me to my feet she pulled me towards her, closer, so that my ear was firmly pressed against her lips, and she whispered something to me.6

“They told me love is like a shotgun, you load it up with ammunition to protect yourself, but nine times out of ten in the end you're the one who ends up taking those bullets. You don't need one hundred men to admire you, or to love you to know that you are loved; You have to take what is starting you right in the face my dear for even if you are scared I can promise you he's a keeper.”7

Confused I watched as she slowly let me mover away. Her clothes had now changed, and her face had become younger. Much smarter. Like she had worked hard to become who she was, but you could see it in her eyes that she was happy, and yet the face was clearly still mine.8

Taking a risk I looked into the woman's eyes. Wondering whether to speak my mind or not. Surely this was not the same person, surely this was not me, but I took the risk of looking, or sounding stupid and opened my lips to free my chest of congested thoughts.9

“How do you know that?” I asked her, watching her eyes flicker, yet they never moved from my own.10

She smiled, holding out her hand, and pressed it against my chest, reaching for my heart.11

“Because I am you, I am your future self, and I am here to tell you this nonsense has to stop right now.”12

Bewildered I searched her face, I knew this was a dream. I could very well wake up any time I wanted, and yet something compelled me to stay here in this world, and to listen to what she had to say.13

“Nonsense?” I asked, scratching my head. My blood stained skin was starting to grate on my nerves.14

“Yes nonsense my dear why must you keep doing this to yourself, why must you keep seeking these men who don't love you when you have a loving man, we have a loving man who loves you unconditionally, one that would never leave you, has never left us. One that has stuck by you, and stuck around through every train wreck of a ride you have been through up until this point in time and still is by my side, by our side as we speak. Why?”15

I felt small tears swelling inside my eyes, inside they burned my skin, as they fell quickly down my swollen cheeks.16

I shook my head.17

“I don't know,” I whispered felling sorry for myself.” I have no idea.”18

My future self shook her head, as if solemnly disgusted with my response.19

“Lies, you have never lied before so do not begin to start now; Be the person that you are and open up. Be not afraid and tell me why do you do this? Why?20

I shook my head. I knew why, I was to afraid to say it, to afraid to let her know that I knew the real reasons why; But I would not lie, there was no point. After all she was me, she would know.21

“Because...,” I took a deep breath in, letting the pain escape my tender lungs. “Because it is the only way I have ever known. To let these men in, open myself to be vulnerable, to let them in because they fool me. They play me like a fiddle, they tell me lies, and only when it is to late for me to get out do I realize they never really loved me at all, and I guess in the end I am the one left broken while they leave scoot free with a piece of my heart; And a piece of my strength.”22

My future self smiled, extending her hand in a slender, graceful manner.23

“My dear, you maybe scared, and frightened that the one you truly love, the man we truly love could leave you, that he could be just another man among many, that he would one day be tired of the train wreck that you are , and he would up and leave you. After all I should know I felt that to. But the truth of the matter is that you know, and I know that, that is just not true. It never was and never could be, will be, and you know deep down inside your heart that he feels so strongly about you that he could, and would never even bare the thought of not having you, having us in his his life.24

I nodded, knowing what she was saying was true, but not being able to muster the right words for a response.25

“ My dear, has he not loved you from the start, how many bullets have you loaded into the damn freaking gun of yours only to have it be turned against you? How many bullets have you taken? Tell me my dear, How many times have you been left there on the ground to bleed to death, to suffer for what you thought was right, for making someones life happier, only for them to destroy everything you worked for? Now tell me this; How many times has he been by your side, through sickness and health, through the death like times, and the heavenly glory, through the funny and the sad, and how many times have you messed up, and thought that you were a monster only for him to turn around, to pick you up and dust you of and hold you so tenderly in his arms, to cry and to tell you that everything would be alright, because you aren't a monster, you are human, and to move along, to learn you have to fall down flat on your face first?He knows where you have been, He knows the pain of pressure, he knows the fear of people not accepting him for who he is, he knows the pain of family, and love. He knows this and he still does. You have to let him in deeper, you have to going deep and look inside yourself, because if you look deep enough I can guarantee that you will find a piece of him within your heart. It has always been there from the very start. You just need to have faith that it is not something anyone can just carve right out of you; That piece is there to stay, okay?26

Pulling me close into an embrace, I held onto my future self, crying the final tears of desertion I would ever let myself feel. She was right. I had been so weak, so afraid. Every man in my life had instilled it upon me that he would up, and walk away just when the going got bad, just when things looked like they were heading for a breakdown. I was only human to think that this would happen to me, but to move on I needed to look forward. I needed to stare what was looking me straight in the face, and grasp it with both hands for all it was worth;for all he was worth.27

Letting go of my Future self, I looked to see a man walking across the paddock. His strong hands wading through the grass with grace. He strode along, until he met with my eyes, and flashed a dazzling smile across my way.28

I knew that face anywhere, though it had aged, just like mine, and even with every wrinkle he still looked as beautiful as the first day I had ever laid eyes on him.29

“Hello Blair,” he said in the most well mannered, elegant voice I had ever heard. It almost brought me to my knees, as I watched him wrap his arms ever so tightly around My future self's waist.30

“Hi Ben,” I whispered, edging towards him. I wanted to touch him to feel him, to know that it was real. I had no fear that he could see my naked body for it belonged to him, not in a domination sense, but it belonged to him in the art of love. That's the way it should have been from the start.31

“I love you Blair,” he whispered, as the grass swayed in the breeze, and my eyes began to blur, I noticed a ring flashing in my eyes, as he held her hand in his. “I will always love you,” he whispered as my future started to faze away, and I opened my eyes to the present. I32

I sat up in my bed, clutching the necklace he had given me. I closed my eyes, thinking back to the dream and I remembered the last thing I seen before I had returned my reality. That love, so strong, so beautiful that nothing could ever replace it.33

I knew deep in my heart that they had to go through a lot together to get to were they were. That was just it though, love was not a walk in the park, real love was not a fleeting kiss, a fleeting chance for happiness. Love was forever, love was life, Love was two souls intertwined to make one whole. Love was about loading that gun together, taking each and every last shot with both your hands on the trigger, it was about taking the shot for both of you. And in the end, when everything was said and done, no matter what happened, through everything that you had been though. You could die, taking that final shot together, knowing that you did everything in your mind to make that love unconditional, to make that love true. For you would know, when two have become one.

Author notes

FAVORITE ANIMAL : Elephant


This is a Piece, written from fragments of a dream I had this afternoon, and real feelings and emotions, about the man I love; and why I keep letting myself falter.

I did have a dream I was in a Field, and those things were said, most of them I could not remember clearly, so I put myself into that piece fully.

I have come to realize; and yes death can do this to you... That there comes a time in life were you have to let go of a self- destructive path and embrace what is in front of you fully.

I always have embraced and loved my boyfriend, for everything he is; for who he is, inside and out. My love for his is so strong, and so powerful I would kill for him. Like it has been said I would take the bullet for him, and with him. Never just for myself.

I have always taken the bullet for others. That is who I am. I learnt to trust to easily. i let people ride me down into the ground. I know I am not a bad person. The people who love me know that.

It is people like My boyfriend Ben,Cathy,Herm,Nate, Selene, Bec, Kody ... so many people on here I love and call my family; because they know who I am, I have never lied or been dishonest to the,They know I would never intentionally hurt anyone. I do not get jealous, or even as a matter of fact. That I strive to love, to make people happy and to inspire people with my words.

I have been through some shit times... mostly thanks to men I have met on this site; who fool me into a dull sense of security, only to be tortured emotionally. Left to take the shot. And despite all that I have made it through each time.

I don't want to have to make it through another time. I have hurt to many people. I have made myself weak. I am afraid, and scared and I have opened myself up to a part of me that I should never have let so many people see. Not so people; but the wrong people.

And despite the so many fuck ups I have made, in the name of friendship, happiness and love. These loving, caring people all of them who without I would probably not be standing here today... have stood by me, and made me realise I am not the villain, I am just a person, trying my best to move through life the best I can.. I am human, I am one of those humans who is so filled with compassion I let myself falter time and time again.

Well not this time. I have taken my last bite at these kinds of train-wrecks.

I hope that this would explain my fears. Some of my feelings about men and my past; and how I really feel about my boyfriend, and will probably always feel. Because He for me if the one. Through and through. I don't need to tell him, though I often to, because he knows me, and he knows that my love for him is so much more than what I may show sometimes in my times of weakness.

I can never thank him enough, Only provide him with the love, respect, friendship and support I have shown him, and he has shown me despite everything I have been through, everything we have been though.

I love you Ben... always...

To conclude this piece and I apologise for it being so long, but honesty is not a swift thing. Lies are made for sweet talk, a good old honest approach takes time.

I conclude with saying many thanks for everyone on this site; who has stood my me no matter how bad the times were, just as I will always stand by them, no matter what the issue.

I love you all unconditionally, with every inch of my heart and soul... *giggles* but you all know that.

Thank you for everything, and thank you for taking the time to read this. It means so very much to me.

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Comments

1 - 21 of 21

  • Avalanche.
    April 21
    Edit | Reply
    great


  • Reaver Greeters member
    May 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Loved reading this. IT was very well written. When using a ';', you do not capitalize the word just after the mark. You did this in Para twenty. The capital is not necissary. Para twenty-one 1st sentence is a run-on. Try breaking it into two. In fact, you create many run-on's throughout. You can fix this by doing a read through and when the concept of the sentence is over, break it. Please don't take this as critism. That is not how i mean it. I loved your hook...it made me want to find out what was doing in the story. And your descriptions were brilliant. You held strong emotional and environmental ties, showing your care with this story. Dreams create the best stories...don't they.. Some of your paragraphs are very long. You should concider breaking them to better suit the reader. Often more than not, alot of readers will lose interest in longer paragraphs, unfortunately missign what you have written. I loved your authors note. Showed how emotially connected a person you are. Shows your personality with the little thing.


  • Starlight-Kisses
    April 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    deep very deep it was really good 8drys a tear from eye* this wa a very good piece and i liked it very much but you forgot to put your favorite animal in your author notes when you do that i can accept you as an entry i won't dq you because many people have made the same mistake so just fix that and i will look again later


  • Mieta
    March 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I still love this piece and I meant what I said down there! I was glad I was the first to comment it...


  • DarkOneShadow
    March 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Deep, moving piece

    I found myself touched and humbled by this piece that you have created. That you had a dream about this and came to this realization on your own shows the steps that you have taken to better yourself. While I have been there through thick and thin, it wouldn't have been possible if you didn't let me help you. And in a way we helped each other.

    I look forward to more days by your side, even if our situations are reversed and it's you picking me up off the floor.

    With lots of love,
    DarkOne


  • asthray.heart
    March 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Well first thing is, your Authors Notes are becoming your story slowly as you post every now and then,.

    I said I will help you with a rather long number 26 in this peice, which was alot of emotion you felt piled into one large, full stop lacking chunk of writing. It was a good peice but needed cut down into smaller parts. I'll send it when your home okies.? =D

    I think the ending was my favorite part. I don't have anything towards emotion when it comes to love, im just a blank uncaring sheet of paper, but you highlight the good parts and the bad parts with the bullet. I must ask where you drew that from, it was a pretty comparison.

    Im listening to a song called Breathe Me by Sai while reading this and it made the story even more wonderful. It seemed to link in with what this dream scape was intending (well I thought so)

    Work on spelling grammar a little but, I know it's just a matter of gettting it down but every now and then there are some parts that throw you off.

    Was it the dream also, that gave you the concept of this story, and has this Ben read this and seen how much you love him? He's a lucky guy for you to have written and dreamed something so indepth and caring, showing a great amount of love and gratitude for him.

    Lovely, keep it up hun Ily.!
    xoxox
    ebunni
    (fuck this is long)


    • Prodigious.Mirth
      March 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Ebb

      thanks hun...
      Ben hasnt read it yet ^.^ but I hope he will..LOl or ill kick him bum with love of course..yes parts were a dream and parts were inside my head as a story you know...

      oh man grammar and spelling i shuld have subbed my first draft... lol now that was a laugh..in one of the senteces i wrote he held him.... it sounded kinda man on man

      i was drinking coffee and thinking about how love feels and how it doesnt feel and I though well what if i needed a gun..love would be that gun then that love and gun part just came...

      =D ,,, i know there so long

      thanks for ur comment and ur help

      much appreciated
      love blair


  • Hermanator1 silver member
    March 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Well written and well said

    Happy to be on your "list" and happy that we collective souls have encouraged you to be yourself and to love yourself...no matter what. we have all faced the asses that try to lift themselves by bringing us down and your refusal to ever be lowered again should imspire many others. Too bad new members cannot see how far you have moved from the painful girl to the powerful woman.
    Glad Ben has been the rock. We all need one... as long as it is not bouncing off our head! LOL
    Good is a little inadequate to describe this! And see...you can write positive pieces that do not deal with dark disasters. Scientific proof that you are a "Lover" not a vampire!

    beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • Prodigious.Mirth
      March 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Herm

      Well I was gunna leave you of the loist cause you know.... OF COURSE YOUR IN THE LIST... you my dad *SMILES*
      I think in reading and writing that It kinda made me see how far I have come; and that is the truth... I was such a dark tormented teenager girl, and while it has been a hell of a bloody ride getting here I can see in myself that I have changed... maybe not so strong, but stronger in some aspects...

      Removes fangs NOOO well maybe I can keep the fangs..just not feed so much xoxox

      Thank you for reading ~
      I appreciate it a lot
      *Love*
      Blair


  • FantasyFable
    March 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    awww!!

    aw! sweetie this was beautiful. I love the crimson rain and the imagery was supurb - Me and ben and all the rest all know you love us lots and thank you for the mention I was dead touched *wipes tear* it was a beautiful piece so full of honest full on emotion that everyone should be touched by it was excellent - fair enough there are spelling mistakes but this is more of a speech from the heart instead of an actual written story so it doesn't matter - excellent sweetie is was really something!! well done and I hope you feel better for getting that all off your chest in such a sweet way.

    Cathy

    (C.E)

    • Prodigious.Mirth
      March 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      C.E

      awww you makes tears swell in my eyes babe you mean so much to me hun ..never forget that ^.^ *huggs*.. thank you so much for your kind comments, and for taking the time to read something I poured every inch of my heart into..LOL..I need to learn to proof read better

      Oh I feel so much better now



      Blaie ~~

  • Mreynolds058
    March 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow...

    ...wow.

    I'm actually speechless. The emotion in this piece is so tortuously beautiful that it feels like a crime to try and rationalise it. Well done.

    • Prodigious.Mirth
      March 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      mey

      Thanks a bunch and so much more.... i hope the emotions and the love drove this peice

      thank you for commenting


  • Missi
    March 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this was a really nice peice, it all went togethere and had a really nice catch
    i hope this 'ben' understands your love


  • Fizbop
    March 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    very lovely peice it is brilliant and well worded a fantastic write it flows very well and has a nice theme to it way to go.

  • Mieta
    March 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow this piece is amazing...I believe you have been inspired by a new source perhaps? Like in that old song from the 70s Love is a battlefield and in my own words you need to take that battlefield and look at it from high above examine and move the pawns of your army to take on anything that comes your way. I know your life has been hard Blair and so has mine but I learned what you did in this story and I fight every day to keep my love going. Though hard and stressful at times it is worth it in the end. I've stopped letting people control me and with the strength I have derived from my Faith and God I know I can overcome anything life throws my way. Sometimes I want to cry, sometimes I can't help but laugh until I cry, and sometimes I get infuriated but in the end it is the strength I have to control myself that keeps me going strong. You can become so much more then you are. You have so much talent and so much drive. NEVER let ANYONE hold you back.

    • Prodigious.Mirth
      March 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Mieta

      Thanks for you in depth comment: Lol I kinda hate it when I spen hours even days on a peice for someone to tell me "oh it was good"... I wanna know how my work makes people feel... thanska bunch really it made my day <3 blair

  • HoneyAngel
    March 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think you need to read over this a few times to pick up the little mistakes that are around.

    I'm glad you've found a love like that. It is fantastic and I hope that you'll always know that feeling.

    <3

    Angel

    • Prodigious.Mirth
      March 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Angel

      Blair must teach herself to proof read and not depend on spell-checker

      Thank-you for reading this peice... And understanding my love...

      Sometimes in life you just have to really just move on with tha patterns you are used to; not entirely. Just the ones that you know aren't going to do you any favors at all... and learn to embrace love, for you never know what eh future holds.

      For me..I hope it is many long loving years spent with the man I love ... I wish the same for you

      <3 blair

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