Charlie Henderson sat at the edge of the lake that was on the property where she lived at the moment staring blankly out at the water. She had her knees up to her chest, her arms curled around them as if she was trying to hold herself together. She used to feel pain inside searing pain inside her that never went away. After awile she felt nothing it was as if she was numb. Then it certain times all she felt was anger.
Sitting there Charlie thought about her life. She had friends but she never got attached to them enough to tell them anything, everytime she did she ended up moving to a new foster home.She had no idea if she had any relatives and if she did they obviously didn't care otherwise they would have found her by now. Everytime she started to get used to someplace, she lost her temper at some random dumbass girl at school or did some stupid shit with some other kids, that got her shipped someplace different.
She was a 15 year old beautiful girl, with long dark hair, thick eyelashes, smokey, hazed gray eyes, and a tall, slender, athletic figure. She had no problems meeting friends but she never knocked down that wall always around her to let them into her life. She had learned to distance herself from everyone else. Things could have been different though.
As Charlie thought she got swept back in the memory of what her father had been like when her mother was still alive. He been so happy and kind. She used to love him, he was her greatest role model. But then her mother got sick. Her dad spent every waking hour he had with her in the hopital. He grew more distant and tempered. Then her mom died. They moved. It was like he couldn't stand living there after his wife was gone. Her dad shut everyone out of his life for the first few months. He was never home, and he barely ever noticed her. It was like she didn't even exist anymore. She didn't relize something was seriously wrong, untill months after, she never saw him enough to know. Then her dad started to snap out of his ghostly state. She thought everything was going to get better, that now they could work through it. Boy was she wrong. Things got worse. He started drinking. Everytime he noticed her was to scream at her for something she did wrong. Anytime she dared say something back she ended up with a black and blue bruise across her face. He wasn't the dad he used to be, the dad she ran to, to give him a hug after work, the dad that took her to the park to get ice cream on hot summer nights, the dad that loved her and her mother more than anything in the world. The thing was, he was still her dad, the dad that she still loved. She hated seeing him that way. She wanted to do something, go to counciling, talk to someone, but she was to scared to suggest anything to her father. Charlie saw what no one else saw under neath, the sadness. All of it was out of sadness. He tried to cover it up with hate and anger and that was all that anyone saw.
Then one morning Charlie woke up and came down to the kitchen and found him in one of the chairs more drunk than she had ever seen him, but he wasn't blowing up or acting like a tyrant. He was crying. She knew something was off, but she ignored it as he left the kitchen in a hurry in an effort to hide the tears from her. She should have went after him, talked to him, something, but she didn't. She left for school just like she would any other day.
Every night she layed in bed she remembered the principle coming to her class, being led to the office, and how every single cell in her body felt as if it was frozen.
In a jolt Charlie pulled herself back from the past, she didn't need to remember that. As she sat there, she felt so angry. She stood up and screamed at the sky. "Are you happy! HUH!? Why me! Why the hell did it have to be me!! You took both of them! WHY....WHY!!!" Charlie was shaking so hard she dropped to the ground and started to cry. 1
...........2
Jake Pearson layed on his bed thinking how everything was going to change tomarrow. His mother had had him but had always wanted more kids. A few years ago she developed a condition that made it so she was unable to have kids. His parents had decided to become foster parents for 1 or 2 kids. Tomarrow a girl was coming to live with them. A GIRL. It was bad enough strange kids were going to be living with them, but they had to make it a GIRL. Jake had always wanted a little brother. He wanted to be able to teach him how to play baseball, or football and have someone look up to him. But no, they had to get a girl. Probly some freak that was going to follow him around like a puppy. Great, this is just wonderful, he thought. Jake was the star runningback on the football team, he didn't need a kid from the system messing up his rep. "So much is gonna change tomarrow," he sighed "and not for the better."3
...........4
Charlie sat up straiter as the car rolled to a stop in front of her new house. She had just been in the car for 5 hours traveling to the other side of the state. She gazed at her new home. More like mansion she thought to herself. Damn! The house was huge, not to mention the massive lawns that surrounded it. She opened the door and stepped out. Joan, an agent from the system who took care of moving Charlie stood beside her. "Damn! Will you look at that. I knew these people had money but I didn't know they had this much!"5
"I've never lived with anyone who had a lot of money. Should be interesting to see how long they put up with me," Charlie mused as they walked towards the house.6
Joan scowled at her "Charlie! Do you have to be so pesimistic? maybe this will be the place you stay. Could it kill you to at least try to behave, and like it someplace for once?"7
"Hm i could but that would be no fun now would it? And right you said about the last place and the place before that and so on. So don't feed me that bullshit."8
"Come on Charlie, maybe people would learn to like you if you would ever let them into your life. You never know what could happen. "9
"Of course I do, nothing. NOTHING. Just like every place else. I give this place a month, 2 tops."10
Joan sighed in frustration. It would do no good to argue with her, once Charlie decided on something it was set in stone. She wasn't a bad kid, not at all. She's just going through a tough time. She lost both her parents before she was 16 years old. Anyone going through that had every reason to be screwed up. She was moved to a different place about every month or two. But maybe these people were different maybe they would be able to help Charlie.11
Author notes
not done as u can tell but i will continue to work on it and i know there are spelling mistakes and stuff i would appriciate any comment to help me make it better or anything. I know it needs a lot of work. Please comment! i could really use it
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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i think this is really good, it doesn't seem to need that much work to me, to be honest, but then i was that caught up in reading it i probably didn't notice lol.
a little bit of editing needed, but not excesssively i thought this was really well written and i hope yuo keep going! i'd read it
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That's really good. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. You should really keep going.
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like it ray. take teh peoples on heres advice tho. keep it fresh and original. and as the one girl suggested use real people.. (if u need reasearch talk to me about the abuse stuff ik a lot about it even if its not personal) i really like it tho. keep goin on it!
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It's a great start.
Let me start by saying that I like how you started, and I'm glad you know you can do better if you try.
At the beginning, much more gradualism is needed, and you might want to put it more imagery.
When Jake is first introduced, I saw a few grammar mistakes, but that was about it.
Mostly, throughout this there are small grammar mistakes such as commas and periods missing. Other than that, some detail here and there wouldn't hurt anything either...
It seems so far like a slightly typical storyline, so you might want to think about putting in some unexpected twist later on.
Other than that, it's a good start.
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Hmmmmm.......
Ok, so it's an old type of story, so query; have you ever experienced abuse? I don't need to know the answer, but the reason I ask is that if you haven't, you really need to do the research. Not from fiction, from fact. From real people.
It's almost like dispassionate reportage in some ways; almost as if the whole of the main character's first fifteen years are so much disregarded baggage; I don't buy it.
Be a little more precise about cause of death for the mother, how the father reacted (not merely becoming a drunk, but how and by what process; this is really important, even though you may think you have disposed of him).
If you really want your story to stand out, and it has the potential, DON'T BE SLOPPY. There's a line between following where others have already gone and blazing your own trail, so don't just take the easy way by changing characters' names and mixing and matching plots; anyone can do that.
THINK FOR YOURSELF, DO THE RESEARCH, AND MAKE IT YOUR OWN!!!!
This really does cry out for a rethink, because you have the characters counterpoised. But at the moment it lacks depth.
The positive is that you are open to ideas, so let me suggest something; don't go for the cliches. These characters could learn more from each other if you remove the underlying sexual tone.
Best of luck with it, and don't neglect spelling, grammar and HUMOUR.beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 1.
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hmmmm.........
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Hmmmm.....
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Overall I think that this is a very good story. it kept me hooked right until the end and left me wondering what would happen next. I like the way you showed the characters' thoughts. You should definitely continue to work on it, but because a comment like this won't help at all, here are some mistakes I picked up:
paragraph 3 "thier" should be "there"
paragraph 4 'teer" should be "tear"
paragraph 6 "tomarrow" should be "tomorrow"
paragraph 7 "in croud" should be "in-crowd"
Also, some paragraphs like 1 and 7 need more commas because the sentences don't flow. Also, be careful not to capitalise words or to use more than one exclamation mark, it makes the story look unproffesional.
I think this could be a brilliant story if you took some time to revise it and correct your errors. If you would like some more comments, let me know when you've revised it.
Well done and you should definitely keep writing!
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Need comma, spelling editing...
Nice descriptions, love. Imagination!
keep up.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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what was the book u read recently that u got the idea from??
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hurry up dang it.... NOW... ........
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p1 'After awhile she', p2 'she were their property', p3 'lived in tomorrow.', p4 'there, a single tear ran', p6 'change tomorrow.' p9 'up straighter as', p20 'would have been nice'
I like this story. In many ways it is a common story, but it is pretty well told. I think you could add more detail to this story to draw the reader in.
I caught a few of the spelling mistakes above. It will be interesting to see what you do with this.
Andy
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MOOOOOORRRRREEEEE!!!
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wow this is awesome. There are some mistakes but the writing itself is the best I've seen you do.. I'm interested to see where this goes... Not real original but interesting all the same (:
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eh i got the idea from something i read recently then had a dream bout so i know its not original but whatever
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