Clothes Shopping.

I wonder why I’m here. It’s the middle of a very busy shopping town, I’m just about three years old and I hate these shops that are full of clothes. Man, this is so boring! I scream to my mum to get me out of this place, but she says “Shush dear!!” and goes back to her underwear sales rail.1

But then I see something. Its small and plastic, with a shiny, golden dot stuck on it. I know I'm probably not allowed to touch it, so…naturally…I grab it, rip it off its jacket and put it in my pocket. But nothing happens! Damn!2

Finally, what seems like hours later, Mum is leaving the shop. Me, disappointed by my failed crime, follow in sulky pursuit. As we reach the door, a horrible wailing sound screams around us and the shop people are bombarding their way through the crowd towards Mum and me! 3

“Stop!” They shout. Mum seems angry that they are shouting at her, but stomps back inside anyway. I know she’s angry, because she makes the scary face. The scary face is the face that she usually conjures before I’m sent to bed, or slapped on my pandie. Last time she made the scary face was when I threw my cornflakes on the television this morning. The resultant punishment was that we were going clothes shopping. 4

The shop people take us in to a door, that leads to some stairs, which lead to another door, that takes us in to a room that smells of toast, coffee and cigarettes. I know these smells, because that’s what Uncle Fred’s house smells like. I don’t mind though. I like Uncle Fred because he gives me letters to take to the shop so I can have Jelly Babies. He always tells me to ask the shop man (who is Scottish and hairy) for black Jelly Babies, because “There’s more to ‘em!” but the shop man just laughs at me and says “be awn year way!”5

There is a big man in a suit and a moustache, sitting behind a desk looking at Mum with a funny expression on his face. Its like the expression Grandma makes when I bottom-burp. Mum thinks its funny when I bottom-burp, but Grandma sends me to bed early and doesn’t let me have beans with my fish fingers and chips. The big man announces himself as “Jim Storemanager” which I think is a funny name and laugh, but Jim Storemanager looks at me with the “Grandma bottom-burp” look and I stop.6

Jim Storemanager asks Mum to empty her bags and remove her jacket, while he makes a phone call to the police. Mum shouts her malcontent at Jim Storemanager, who goes red in the face. Granddad George goes red when I play with his beard. He says I shouldn’t pull an old man’s beard, because his nose will fall off. So I ask Jim Storemanager if he had to stick his nose back on because someone pulled his beard off. He looks at me like I’ve bottom-burped in church.7

Jim Storemanager doesn’t find anything in Mum’s bags which isn’t on her pee-seat. Mum says the pee-seat is what the shop people use to write on everything we’ve bought. So Jim Storemanager insists that Mum go through the bags again, but she says no and puts on the scary face again. Jim Storemanager shouts back. I don’t like it when people shout at Mum so I shout “Its all on the pee-seat, nasty man!” At this, Mum lets out a little laugh and Jim Storemanager looks outraged. He looks like he’s ready to pull out his moustache (which I don’t think would be a good idea. Granddad George told me what falls off if you do that, but I can’t repeat it). The police walk in, anyway, and Jim Storemanager goes red again and starts pointing at mum and saying things to the police men.8

The police men talk to Mum and then one of them looks at me, smiling, and asks, “What’s that in your pocket, son?”9

I don’t want to go to prison so I say its Jelly Babies that Uncle Fred bought me. I tell the police man that I asked for all black ones, because there’s more to ‘em. Everybody laughs, except Jim Storemanager, who says to empty my pockets. I say no, because Mum says I can’t give things to strangers, but Mum says its OK. I take out the little plastic thing with the golden dot and several things happen at once. Mum lets out a loud gasp, Jim Storemanager goes as red as a plum and starts fiddling with his moustache (oh dear) and the police men laugh (something about a security tag) and tell me I shouldn’t touch things that aren’t mine. 10

All the grown-ups talk for a bit, then decide me and Mum can leave. When we walk out the wailing doesn’t happen. Mum tells me off, but she’s smiling. She doesn’t have the scary face. We go in a sweet shop to get me some chocolate. I see a small bag of money on the counter while the shop man is talking to mum. It say’s “donations for the blind.” 11

I…hang on…that’s another story!