Odour Of A Clown.

In the beginning was a clown, his name was Frankinclown. He was a cereal killer; every morning he would pull out a box of Corn Flakes, and stab them with his spoon. 1

He was also sexy; too sexy for his shirt (or the circus), so he decided too join a stripper club so he could take it off. 2

Needless to say, that job didn't last long. He had pretended to be a woman, but that is hard to pull of when you're stripping. They threw him out when they found out that his rather large cleavage had just been a couple of balloons. 3

Dejected, he started trudging back to the circus.4

On his way, he saw a disco bar. He decided that dancing might be fun, he was good at that, and maybe he'd be able to take his shirt off; show that clowns could be sexy! 'Cause he was sexy, so sexy that it hurt! 5

On the dance floor he broke it down; showed them what -real- dancing was. It all went so well! They cheered him on! Then he tried to take his unsexy shirt off, and they threw him out. 6

'You don't know what you're missing out on!' he screamed as he crashed balloons first onto the pavement. 7

'Yeah we do, that's why we threw you out,' snickered one of the bouncers. 8

Frankinclown stood, glaring at them. He then did the only thing he knew how; he squirted water in their eyes with his water flower, then took off down the street in a sprint before they could introduce his face to the sidewalk. 9

After sprinting for a few minutes, he sighted what appeared to be a rock concert. A thought hit him: Rock concerts mean crowd surfing, crowd surfing mean hands all over his sexy body! And maybe he could get his shirt off well he was at it... 10

So he bought a ticket, and went in. Luckily for him, the show had only just started, so he'd have plenty of time to be sexy. 11

Charging to the front, he started some serious moshing. 12

All went well. 13

Suddenly, he saw his moment, with a mighty heave of his well trained clown body, he hoisted himself up on someone's shoulders, and away he went. 14

It was working! He was doing it, people were reaching up to touch him; they actually wanted to touch his sexy body! 15

For three minutes and twenty six glorious seconds he surfed. And then, for the barest of seconds, he felt no hands, then he felt the hard floor.16

Scrambling to his feet, he rushed to the front. This was the life! Fellow sexy people who appreciated him! Never again would he be unsexy, never agi–17

***18

Three days later, back at the circus, they started to wonder where Frankinclown had got to. Not that they were missing him, but someone had to clean the crap out of the elephants cage.19

So they called the police, and reported him missing. 20

Hours later, they got a phone call from the police, informing them that they'd found Frankinclown, he was dead. They had just sent him off to the morgue for a post-mortem; to find out the cause of death.21

There was much wailing and beating of balloons at the circus, because now they'd all have to draw straws to see who'd have to clean the crap out of the elephants cage. 22

The next morning, the police rang up again, this time to inform them of the cause of death. 'It seems he died of rapid over-sexifacation; caused by the sudden influx of sexiness. It had been too much sexiness too fast for his un-sexy body to cope with.' 23

'Thank you,' said Joe Bloe as he hung up. Now he'd have to find someone else to clean the elephant cages. 24

The entire circus gathered in the main rink for the event; straws were drawn, people sighed with relief as they saw they had a long straw. 25

In the end, the new girl who'd joined, young Irish lass by the name of Halley O'tosis, ended up with the short straw. 26

Oh well, it was probably just the job for her. 27

The end.

Author notes

Well, I wrote this one on the fly, well, on my laptop actually... anyway, it's corny, weird, and fuelled from lack of sleep, long work hours, and coffee. Ya know, this is why we can't have anything nice! It's all work and no play these days!!!!

*Ahem* Enjoy...

Option #7, in case you hadn't worked it out.

DoozerDan's the name.

For the Seven Deadly Sins contest. The sin this one follows is Pride/vanity. A vanity which lead to Frankinclown's downfall. I hope the continuous mention of 'sexy' isn't pushing the rules too much. Let me know if it is, and I'll remove it.

In a list

A contest entry

Anything you think needs fixing, please point it out!

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
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Comments

1 - 70 of 70

  • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
    November 18
    ?
    Edit | Reply

    Hi!

    This was humorous as I am sure you intended it to be. It reminds my of the wild and sexy Dan Ackroid and Steve Martin. The sexy part was a little over done, but the line about the sidewalk nearly caused me to laugh. I don't laugh easily.

    Thanks for the example of humor writing. I intend to take your class sooner or later, once I come up with some funny similes and metaphors


    "...then took off down the street in a sprint before they could introduce his face to the sidewalk." Hilarious!

    p10 shirt off (while) he was at it[?]

    Andy


  • disturbed-dreamer
    October 20

    Edit | Reply
    Well, at first I was disturbed. (I hate clowns and a stripping clown is a scary clown.)

    This was really random and entertaining! =]


  • crystalsycamore2
    October 19

    Edit | Reply
    This was quite amusing. Personally, I hate clowns but this kinda takes the edge off. I wonder - if you enjoy random stories, you should read a short story called "Dog Heaven" (forgot the author) or "Emergency" (which is a short story off a book). Both of those seem completely random until you get into the underlying themes, tension, irony, etc.

    But I digress - back to your piece.

    Outside of a couple grammatical errors in paragraphs 2 ("too" to a "to") and 3 ("pull of" to a "pull off"), which you could've done intentionally - I don't know - it's a pretty interesting story. The irony of how it was his own vanity that killed him in the end is great, although you could go into the whole thing where the people weren't really touching him because he was sexy and so what does that say about his death, etc. I will say that what could make this even more interesting is if you made his death more...realistic? Is that the right word? Maybe it could contribute to the overall theme, you know? But then again, that would suck the hilarity out of the whole thing, wouldn't it? Lol sorry.

    Overall, I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for entering and good luck!


    PS. You can say sexy as much as you want - I certainly do =P


  • emperess27
    October 17

    Edit | Reply
    I thought this was brilliant and it made me laugh all the way through, although a cringe a little!! Unsexy clowns, huh? Whatever next?!I LOVE the police's reason for his cause of death, gonna be laughing over that one all day.

    Awesome!

    Kais


  • Kirin
    October 6

    Edit | Reply
    Hehe.. really funny! Oversexifacation?? *rofl, hits the wall, changes direction, rofl* Way to Go Dan!! Good luck in the contest, as if you need it


    • DoozerDan silver member
      October 6
      Edit | Reply
      Glad you enjoyed, haha.

      Well, all the comps this is in are closed, and most I haven't placed in. Takes a certain mind to enjoy this one, haha. Glad you're one.

      Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding!


  • Out-Of-Eden
    September 1

    Edit | Reply
    HAHA! I liked it and this is EXACTLY what I'm looking for in this contest! That was funny, random, and off the wall. XD

    "he screamed as he crashed balloons first onto the pavement." LOL. Yeah, this was funny and a good short random read. This is what lack of sleep really does. Those kind of stories are great. Thanks for entering the contest and thanks for putting your name in your notes!


  • The Joker HaHa
    August 20

    Edit | Reply
    I read this earlier. I think like in July i read this. Idk. I may have commented on it then. This was the most random piece i have ever read. What is it with cereal killers lol?? this is the second one ive read. yours is definately more random. Thank you for entering.


  • Andrew Timothy
    July 18

    Edit | Reply
    Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't find it very funny. It certainly has a level of insanity to it--I mean really, what type of self-deluded clown turns into a female pole dancer?

    To me, the best part in this was the beginning. If that type of language and set-up had continued throughout the piece, you would have had a winner in my eyes.

    Thanks for entering and good luck.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 18
      Edit | Reply
      Ah well. Can't win 'em all, eh?

      That language did continue pretty much. Different themes, but same overall feel (I mean, it's about the only way I write, haha).

      Oh well.


  • Blue Eyed Beauty
    July 14

    Edit | Reply
    ummm, it was very...interesting. But Not scary, and I said if you did a clown thing then it had to be like an evil clown or something. Well done for what you were going for I suppose, but the idea of a sexy clown is a little biit disturbing...


    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 14
      Edit | Reply
      Ooops, sorry, I'd swear I hadn't said that earlier... I just thought you'd said clowns scare you, and they are evil, not one has to write about an evil clown. Oh well, seeing as this isn't really an evil clown? Didja want me to take it out of the comp?

      Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding.

  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    July 10

    Edit | Reply

    you have so many comments on this, there is not much more to say

    Hi Dan, you have so many comments on this, there is not much more to say.
    And times running out before Brooke zaps the list, so I just wanted to let you know I did read it .

    It was a fun trip . I can start off the day with a grin.

    Hmm…balloons do have some stranges uses .

    Geri


    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 10
      Edit | Reply
      My pleasure to start your day off with a grin.

      I actually got out of sync with the group a bit, and only saw today that the list had been cleared and I had nothing in it. I better comment on something soon to... :S

      Oh yes, you can do alsorts of fun things with ballons.

      Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding.


  • Blazing Writer
    June 15

    Edit | Reply
    I am seriousyl terrified of clowns. I mean, take me to a circus and put a clown next to me and I will bawl like a baby. And while reading this I kind of laughed but then again I was scared. Especially the part where he squirts water in their faces from the flower. I hate that and the image went straight to my head and then I got scared. But overall this is written very well. Lol. I like the way you wrote it, even if it was on the fly. lol.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      June 16
      Edit | Reply
      Heh, I know a few people who are terrified of clowns.

      I'm glad you found it funny, even if it did scare you.

      Pleased that someone liked the way it was written.

      Thanks for the read comment and applause!


  • Gary Alexander silver member
    June 7

    Edit | Reply

    FRANKLY..................

    Not too bad...I DO feel I know where you're going. But it takes some doing...and some practice. Mostly, it takes time...trial and error. As you grow, you will begin to recognize what SOUNDS funny...READS funny...and actually IS funny. This is NOT something we are born knowing. Mostly, it is contingent on recognizing the hackneyed and overused words and phrases that many, many people tend to use to sound and read, and BE funny. Most fail...and precisely because we have all heard their attempts at humor over and over...time and time again!
    For you...no matter what, try not to repeat words and phrases, not to mention gags, in your short tale. For example: You mention "cleaning out the elephant crap from the cage" and it was funny THE FIRST TIME. The reader doesn't want to read the SAME EXACT words again and again...; it seems to say: "If you didn't "get it" the first time...or remember it...here it is again!" (This is on the subconscious level of course...but that's why it isn't funny...the second and third time!
    Up top...your character's name..."Frankenclown the cereal killer" I found was funny. But it kind of misled me...and you didn't seem to follow through with what this appellation seemed to imply or promise. The "sexy" bit came out of nowhere...and the shirt seemed somewhat of a stretch. Be careful of too much "stretch"...absurd is one thing...but events have to follow logically once the initial premise is accepted. You can't "stretch" credibility. You will eventually develop a feel for this.
    Also watch the using of too many adverbs and modifiers which seem to beg for a laugh and, again, "stretch" a point. Like: "RATHER LARGE CLEAVAGE" "Cleavage" would have been sufficient. And be economical: "You don't know what you're missing!" (you had "missing OUT ON") It's small stuff...and you don't have much of it...but it's a good rule to remember. LESS IS MORE. And in the first case (cleavage) it's more believeable.
    Also watch names. As I said, Frankenclown wasn't bad...but Joe Bloe isn't especially funny (it's certainly overused) and Hally O' Tosis seemed forced...and not really side splitting. It wasn't particularly believeable either. (Did it send you into paroxisms of hysteria?...I doubt it!) When it makes YOU laugh aloud...it's probably funny!
    But carry on...this could be doctored up a bit. A worthy effort!
    Keep stabbing at the Corn Flakes...and don't let them get soggy.
    GA


    • DoozerDan silver member
      June 7
      Edit | Reply
      Thankee for the comment. Yeah, I need lots of practice in writing, I've only been doing it for... a year and a half? So really, not all that long.

      Less is more. Hmm, that is something that gets drilled into my head in music writing, sometimes, less is more. One doesn't need the three million different instruments going, one can sometimes sound like more. I'll have to keep that in mind while writing.

      I used Joe Bloe, because it is overused. I'm funny like that, I use old stereo typical names quite a bit. I dunno, I like doing it, not supposed to be funny, just something that amuses me.

      Well, nothing sends me into paroxysms of hysteria, but I did find that name amusing (quite amusing, I think I actually laughed out loud, which is rare). My brother came up with it, and I thought it was a great idea, so I used it. I guess, for something like that, it depends on your sense of humour. Which, if there is one thing I know about it, varies massively between people.

      Thank you for the comment, it's been very helpful. I got a lot to learn in writing, just need the patience and perseverance to keep at it, and work on improving. And not dig holes and bury myself in the same old mistakes.

      Oh, one more point, on the shirt, you ever heard the song "To sexy for my shirt" or something like that, I hate the song, but I couldn't resist poking fun at it. It's the only reason that line is in there, the same with "So sexy that it hurts."


  • RegalTheft
    June 3

    Edit | Reply
    Finally clicked on this in the House List. It's funny. Poor little unsexy Frankinclown, dead from an overdose of sexiness. Good times, good times. I remember when I was unsexy, and look at me now! *rips off shirt* BOOMSHAKALAKA!!

    --RT


    • DoozerDan silver member
      June 7
      Edit | Reply
      Hahahaha! *shakes head* Sexy RT.

      Thanks for the read/comment/applause!


  • GuitarShank Moderators member
    June 2

    Edit | Reply
    "then took off down the street in a sprint before they could introduce his face to the sidewalk"

    This moved really fast for me. I think it kind of fell short too. After the clown dies, it's just kind of like "Well, time to find a new crap scooper"

    But other than that it was very funny Thanks for entering


    • DoozerDan silver member
      June 2
      Edit | Reply
      I likes that line too.

      I know it moves fast, but I don't know what to do to slow it down, without detracting from the style. If you want an in depth analyses of what I didn't know was going through my head when I wrote this, read Plumeisters's comment on it. It'll give you all the deep and meaningful thoughts that I didn't know I was thinking when I wrote it

      Glad you found it funny!


      • GuitarShank Moderators member
        June 2
        Edit | Reply
        Whoa that's a long comment

        Y'know Dan, it's kinda hard to have an anonymous contest when your name is in your avatar


        • DoozerDan silver member
          June 2
          Edit | Reply
          Oh damn... been so long since I entered that contest, I forgot you said don't reply to your comments till after... sorry. Hopefully it doesn't kill my chances in the contest?


  • TheBlueRoad
    June 1

    Edit | Reply
    "So sexy, so sexy that it hurts!" HA HA HA AND SEXIFACATION HAHAHAHA!!!! That was just wicked!!! Love your mind. You got a good weird one on your shoulder. Now I got eyes for you.


  • JimZombie gold member
    May 22

    Edit | Reply
    Can I say anything that Al hasn't? No I can't, he stole all the good bits (all the bits). The throw away reference to the character being a cereal killer amused me, in that it had nothing what ever to do with the rest of the story. I think Al analysed the story most effectively, discovering many ideas you secretly hold, such as you wanting to be a sexy clown.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      May 22
      Edit | Reply
      I dun think he said I wanted to be a sexy clown. And so far as I know, I don't either... I just wasn't going to throw away a chance to get bonus points in the contest, and hey, it paid off, I won the contest. Not that that was hard...

      Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, you didn't actually make any comment about that, besides the cereal killer bit being amusing


      • TheBlueRoad
        June 1
        Edit | Reply
        The cereal killer. Yep, i agree! I like it when ideals get conflicting.


  • scriptor
    May 18
    Edit | Reply
    its pretty funny and yeah pretty corny as well but i like it


    • DoozerDan silver member
      May 18
      Edit | Reply
      My theory is: If it's meant to be corny, then it can be corny. It's only the things that where made to be serious, that go corny, that are bad.


  • Quixotic Greeters member
    May 12
    Edit | Reply

    Enjoyed it much!!

    This was a funny one. Whatever made you think of this? It was entertaining and i enjoyed it. AND..it was very well written. There are some spelling problems, but i don't really know if you wanted it that way. "Sexyness" is not a word. But like i said, i don't know if that was your intension. Should have been "sexiness'. But whatever...it was fun. Well done!


    • DoozerDan silver member
      May 12
      Edit | Reply

      :)

      Why thank you. I'm glad you found it amusing I wasn't aware that "sexiness" was actually a word, which is why I went with "sexyness" even though I know it's not a word, it fitted what I needed, but as I now know that sexiness is a ligit word, I will fix it The ones like "sexyification" is purposeful. Though, I will change that to "sexification" as it looks a bit better
      I wrote this story for the contest: "Attack of the clowns" it was mentioned in the rules that bonus points if it was a sexy clown. This is what happened, fuelled by a lack of sleep, and a definite UN-lack of coffee

  • Dun
    May 10

    Edit | Reply

    This was very strange

    and very funny. Your sarcasm is great and makes a great mock of this "over-sexified" world we live in. I actually picked up a lot of double-entendres that poke fun at the rabid consumption of anything "sex" in the world today.

    Here's what I thought:

    Paragraph 1. Cereal Killer? Didn't really see how it related to the story other than to introduce the tone of ridiculosity that follows and to give you an excuse to use an over-used pun. But you are forgiven. The clown thing was pertinent as it clues us in to how you view the main character, with disdain and laughter and then linking him to the circus gives him a sideshow freak quality that further engenders a feeling of mockery.

    2.Sexy equals exhibitionism. People today want so much to be noticed that they will wear next to nothing, "taking it all off" for that attention. Sad, but true. I recently went out on the town with my wife and had to avert my eyes when walking past the a night club. Which is too bad. Back in the day I really dug going to see live bands and would love to go again, but my wife is averse to attending places with half-naked women flapping about. Though a part of me loves the beauty of the female frame, I have to agree. Propriety of dress is sorely lacking in the world today.

    3. Fake boobs don't make you any more attractive. Not really. There is nothing more sexy than being happy with what God gave you. Plastic surgery is a scourge on the self-esteem of women today. There's also some inference of cross-dressing and transvetism there but I couldn't find implications of a sound enough nature to follow this thought through to completion. Hence, a simple mention will suffice.

    4.When not adequately recognized for our oversexified efforts, we revert to where we came from, who we truly are. Because big fake balloons are just a front behind which the real person hides. When the front doesn't work, we're left with who we are rather than some false extension of self via narcissistic external modification. This paragraph is a succinct plea to be one's self, as in reality we really haven't a choice. Fake balloons or no, we are who are.

    5,6,7,8. Again a reiteration of "over-sexification" resulting in exhibitionism. A fine point to make as I have to laugh at the newly boob-jobbed woman who walks about with her chest out like a new private in the military with her missiles at the ready to implode minds with new found sexual esteem. It's quite sad, really. Balloons of saline do not equal esteem. True esteem comes from inside. Again, an excellent point to remake.

    9. When vanity goes unrewarded, fake-o people become embittered and do nasty things to others. Vanity is a scourge that turns people into inconsiderate and rude assholes.

    10-17. People will sell their bodies for sexual recognition. They want sexy so badly that they will sell out their morals just to feel wanted. The media today says if you're not sexy, you're worthless. Nobody wants to be worthless. So there is sought the sexual attention, the hands-on of others to affirm our feelings of sexual self-worth as defined by popular media today.

    18-21. Looking to others and for their attention to define our self-worth only results in death of the soul.

    22. When people who care only for the external pass away, nobody cares because everything the deceased cared about, and all that they invested their time and effort into is now dead. If you want to be remembered, invest in things that live forever, such as appreciation in the hearts of those you've loved by kindness and acts of selfless consideration.

    23. Again, a reiteration of your theme that to be carnally minded is death as reflected in Romans 8:6? I say this because this seems a moral write and I know you've mentioned you're a Christian, so this write seemed an extension of your beliefs. Am I close? Sorry, I'm trying to get inside the writer's head here and grabbing at straws...

    24-25. People in general are reticent to be oversexified, it's too much work shoveling that sexified shit. And in the end, it stinks and just leads to a lonely death when you place sex above people and their feelings. It's the media that misleads people into this selfish sexual consumerism that ultimately makes everyone unhappy and lonely when they fully embrace it to their own demise. Nobody likes the sexual diva or the hunky prick.

    26-27. There's always some poor soul just looking to be duped into thinking that shoveling the self-indulgent shit of oversexification will be ultimately rewarding. But it never will, as evidenced by your cereal killing clown. Ohhhh...is the cereal killer jab some foreshadowing for how such mentality is a killer?

    Anyway...that's my two cents worth.

    Why the long review? I thought this was brilliantly succinct at explicatng the over-sexified ills of our society today. Sexification does not equal esteem. Sex it great and I love it, but I believe the media takes it way too far as the panacea for the esteem ills of society today.

    Good write.

    al




    • DoozerDan silver member
      May 11
      Edit | Reply
      Wow. What a comment. It seems almost a shame to tell you, after all that writing, the only thing going through my head when I wrote this, was : 'I'm bored, tired, and feel like writing something stupid.' But I guess some of what you said does rather fit in with what I think, in that I do think that all this "sexyness" in the media is pretty sickening. But this wasn't by any means supposed to be a moral write, the lady who did the contest just said, 'bonus points if it's a sexy clown.' It went downhill from there

      But thanks for the comment, it was very interesting to read. And thanks for the applause!


      • TheBlueRoad
        June 1
        Edit | Reply
        Again, I am laughing at your thought. "I'm bored, tired, and feel like writing something stupid."

      • Dun
        May 12
        Edit | Reply

        In the back of my head...

        I kinda figured that, Dan.

        But your write made a great outline for a subject I've always wanted to address. So I did.

        Thanks for that.

        al


        • DoozerDan silver member
          May 15
          Edit | Reply
          Well, you're welcome It's nice to know that amongst my bumbling inane ramblings that I call stories, it is possible to find some sort of moral theme in... sometimes So happy to give you opportunity to write something you've been wanting to do for awhile


  • ForestFaery
    May 6

    Edit | Reply

    I LOVE it!

    you ahd me laughing all the way through! from begining to end it was hilarious! i especially love the police report of his death! thanks so much for entering it!


    • DoozerDan silver member
      May 6
      Edit | Reply
      Yay! You liked it. I was a lil worried you'd be another one of those people who didn't get it... as if there was nothing to not get...

      Thanks for the comment and applause!


  • CactusJack silver member
    May 6

    Edit | Reply
    Dude. You're weird.
    lol
    This was very odd, random and funny. I can see why you won a gold for it.
    Poor clown. Poor, poor cereal.
    Halley O'tosis...LMAO
    I'm almost scared to see what will come out with more coffee and less sleep.
    For gods sakes man get some rest!
    Great read, perfect fit for our little group.

    Jack


    • DoozerDan silver member
      May 6
      Edit | Reply
      I'm weird! W00t!

      Yah! Someone else got Halley O'tosis, not many people pick up on that one. I also have to give my older bro credit for that one, it was his suggestion.

      Hehehe, don't worry, I try to get lots of sleep, this is why I try make sure I get 8 hours a night, 'cause otherwise I can get a lil funny in the head

      I thought it was a pretty good read for the group


  • Vampiric souls
    May 6

    Edit | Reply
    This is very good, and I think that this is a very different way to look at things, thanks for your entry, I enjoyed it a lot.

  • WillyLee
    May 5

    Edit | Reply
    Well, I can't comment on this the same way I would on Proust's Remembrance of Things Past, but it did make me laugh. The thing is, I don't know if I'm laughing because it is actually funny, or just because the whole thing seems so ridiculous. Maybe ridiculous is legitimately funny, or "legitimately funny" is an oxymoron. The title is pretty funny. The elephant cage joke is repetitive, and there are a number of grammatical errors. I kind of like the off-the-cuff stream of consciousness way it is written, but it seems to be too much the result of just writing fast without thinking very much. I like spontaneous, if it is well planned beforehand. I just don't know what to make of this story.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      May 5
      Edit | Reply
      Welcome to my world, spontaneous, and unwell thought of Kinda takes the points out of spontaneity if you think it through doesn't it?

      Yeah, as I've said elsewhere, this was written and edited in less the two hours, and well I was at work. So all mistakes I'm pinning on that But I do kinda like the random written fast without thinking way of writing, when I spend time thinking of jokes, I get blamed of trying to hard... :-/
      Oh well, one day I expect I'll go over this again, touch it up a bit..

      Thanks for reading, and commenting


  • JuliaAlexandrovna
    May 5

    Edit | Reply
    I didn't see anything wrong with it. I think it may have been taken just a little too far. Other than too much repetition, it was fine though.

    x Julez


    • DoozerDan silver member
      May 5
      Edit | Reply
      Hmm, it's interesting how different people like different things. One person who read this, reckoned the "sexy" bit was perfect, not to much, not to little, but just right. Guess it all boils down to taste Thanks for reading and commenting!


  • secretladyspider
    May 3
    Edit | Reply

    Oh man...

    You need some serious work on detail, background, metaphors, grammar... everything.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      May 4
      Edit | Reply

      Ahh....

      I'm afraid I fail to see just what you mean. The criticism is far from constructive, just telling me that I did everything wrong... I thought I'd managed to get this one pretty good, so does everyone else... So please, I'd love some examples of where I screwed up so massively...

      Sorry I sound a bit upset, but I am a bit, not that I can't take criticsm, but just a "you screwed up big time" (not in so many words, but pretty much) On a piece that most people reckon is well written... makes me wonder how, and why no one else pointed it out...


  • HitmanShah
    April 26
    Edit | Reply
    This is so cool..... Over sexyfication...........I love it..... It rocks


  • DarkOneShadow silver member
    April 22
    Edit | Reply

    oh boy

    Like the music video "I'm so sexy"... *shakes head in laughter and silliness*


    • DoozerDan silver member
      April 22
      Edit | Reply
      Heh. Well, you may notice a few lines from that song scattered through the story.


  • Faker
    April 20
    Edit | Reply
    Good work, it was funny, thanks for entering.


  • RxxSpiritWolfxxJ gold member
    April 15

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    Friggin hilarious!!! *doubles over and pants and laughs*
    This would indeed be even more funnier in video!!!

    Great work, bud.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      April 15
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      Dayam, entered the wrong story in your contest I was gunna enter this one, but due to the fact that I had "Adult" rating on it, and your contest said No erotica, it won't let me. Not that this has erotica, it's just all that sexyness

      I'll be sure to let you know if we get a video done of it

      Thanks!


      • RxxSpiritWolfxxJ gold member
        April 15
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        Ah...why??? This one is soo much better!!
        And I mean Erotica as in *whistle* You know...
        R.


        • DoozerDan silver member
          April 15
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          Oh hey, it let me enter... Funny that, it usually doesn't let me when people have listed no erotica.

          Yeah, I know what you mean by that. But because I stuck Adult as one of the keywords, it won't let me enter some contests which have rules saying no erotica. I've tried... Annoying. But anyway, replaced my entry in your contest with this

  • Always-Right
    April 9

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    I love it... I don't know what else to say. It's full of laughs. This would be hillarious as a short film piece.

    Hugs,

    Meaky


  • DuchessAura of Brie silver member
    March 18
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    Haha, I like this. It makes fun of clowns! Who doesnt like making fun of clowns? I love all the random humour you added to it, it really is a good story =) It doesnt even seem that random, while still being random, if that makes ANY sense. Oh well, it made sense in my mind. Good luck in the contest, if it was mine, you'd have gold xD

    Love ya bro.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      March 19
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      ^^ Thank you lil sis! Glad you like it It was fun to write. And yes, I think that does make sense. But then, so does a lot of random things right now

  • abba12
    March 17
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    what the heeeeelll
    your brother comes up with some of the weeeeeirdest stuff!
    poor irish lassie