Heartbroken

Rebecca glanced for a moment out of the cold, stained glass window of the cathedral. She felt a shiver run down her spine, as a draft came through the cracks of the ancient windowsill, making her hands shake. Her mother, with her hands folded neatly on her lap, sitting in the very front pew, was skimming the Holy Bible, tears running down her rosy cheeks.
Rebecca's father had somehow been passed on to God, so suddenly, so rapidly, Rebecca had wondered if it had been a terrifying nightmare. She shifted her weight to her other hip, on the wooden pew, with not a single tear escaping from her eye. She had no tears left, she barely had a heart. Rebecca stood up, her legs stiff, her back arched, her teeth chattered. She walked down the aisle of the church, and all eyes were focused on her. Rebecca had to leave the service, no matter how much her mother would scream at her for it later. Rebecca opened the front doors of the church and stepped outside. It was mid-January and even though she was wearing a heavy faux-fur coat, Rebecca shook with the bitter cold. She stamped her feet to try and warm herself up, but it did next to nothing. There was nobody outside along with her except a medium-built, grungy old man who looked to be about in his fifties, possibly sixties.
He was smoking a cigar, puffing every few moments a stale cloud of air. Rebecca choked on the cloud, mucus heaving out of her mouth. She winced from the pain in her chest, and cleared her throat, smelling the crisp, cold air. After a few moments, she noticed the man staring at her, his dark, grey eyes seeing right through her very skin. Rebecca shivered and tried to ignore the long glare, however, it was very difficult.
Rebecca turned her head the other way, but could still feel his long glare bore through her like a drill. She had to do something. " Excuse me?" Rebecca mumbled. The man raised his heavy eyebrow and grumbled, " You little....." He started stepping closer to her, grumbling and shaking his fists. " Damn kids!" he yelled to nobody in particular, as Rebecca ran far away from the church, shaking in fear. Her feet ached from the high-heeled shoes her mother made her wear. She kicked them off. Her feet nearly froze, but Rebecca didn't give a shit. All she could think about was getting home in front of the cozy fireplace, cuddling her kitten Rosie. Oh yeah, and telling her mother when she got home from church, about the fifty-year old man who nearly raped her! Well, at least, it surely looked that way.
Rebecca dug her hand in her pocket, and grabbed the metal housekey. She fumbled with it in the brass lock on her front door and pushed it open. Nobody was home, everyone was still at church, listening to the ramblings of that lunatic of a preacher, not even shedding a single tear for her dead father. " Shit!" Rebecca cussed aloud. She wanted her father back, he had been the only support Rebecca had ever had. Ever since her mother had started abusing her intentionally, she had never said anything about it. She was holding back tons of feelings nobody knew or cared about.1

Soon, Rebecca knew what she had to do. She raced upstairs into her very ordinary bedroom, decorated with tacky golden leaf wallpaper and opened her night table drawer. The only item inside it was a picture of herself and her now dead father, smiling, standing in front of Rocky Mount Beach, the place they always visited for spring break. In the picture, her father had his arm wrapped around Rebecca, hugging her tight to his chest. For the first time in ages, tears spilled from Rebecca's eyes, plopping to the hardwood floors beneath her. After a few moments, she heard the front door open. Damn, Rebecca thought. Her mother was back from church. Her mother screamed, " Rebecca, you damn brat! I'm gonna find you, you little pain in the ass!" Rebecca cried even more, crossing her fingers, as she crawled beneath her bed, her head cradled in her arms. She heard her mother's footsteps drawing nearer as she climbed the steps. Boom, boom, boom. They only got louder and more terrifying. Finally, her mother reached the bedroom. Unfortunately, she knew Rebecca's hiding place quite well. She reached her hand under Rebecca's bed and pulled her out by her hair roots. Rebecca winced in pain and yelled, " Stop, you hag! Stop! Damn it, god please stop!" " NEVER!" her mother hissed back. " You will have no supper tonight, and you'd better behave or your little pussy cat gets it and gets it good."2

Rebecca yelled, " Get away from me!" Her mother said, " You brat, I gave you many chances to behave, but now I must get your little kitty cat, now!" Rebecca cried, " No, you son of a bitch, don't hurt Rosie!" Her mother walked out of the room and locked Rebecca's door, trapping Rebecca inside. Rebecca screamed as she heard her mother hissing at Rosie and getting the steak knife from the kitchen. The last sound Rebecca heard was the loud, high pitched meow of Rosie, as she lived her last few moments. Rebecca yelled, " No, Rosie, god no!" Her mother came back upstairs and unlocked Rebecca's door. She stepped inside, carrying the body of Rosie, blood dripping down onto the floor. Rosie was as dead as a doornail. Rebecca couldn't even cry then, she was so stunned. Her mother hissed, " How do you like that, you little brat?" as she held Rosie's dead body up to Rebecca's face. Rebecca collapsed onto the floor, sucking her thumb, wishing she could be anywhere but there.3

Rebecca had to do something, anything. She got up, collected her courage and threw herself at her mother, scratching and clawing and hissing. Her mother held out the steak knife she had used to kill poor Rosie and thrust it into Rebecca's chest. The knife slashed her heart and Rebecca was gone. Her mother laughed an evil laugh and threw Rosie, Rebecca, and the bloody knife into a secret floorboard. 4

Sadly, Rebecca's mother never got caught and she lived the whole rest of her life torturing poor people, always using a steak knife.

Author notes

I know, I know, this is a bit unrealistic and I plan to edit this soon, so please keep giving me some truthful feedback, I need it! Thanks!!


"Death has to be better than life."

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • Ashleigh London
    June 20
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    Congrats on both honorable mention trophies. This was really crazy! The ending was pretty depressing but... that's how it goes sometimes! Realistic or not you wrote something pretty dramatic and it was all great Thanks so much for entering and good luck.


  • Prim-Rose
    June 16

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    Ok I very much liked the beginning, but towards the middle you lost me. AT first it had a very...emotional start and then seemed to turn into the kind of story told around a campfire. However, it's a very good plot and you should very much keep writing. With more editing the story should turn out well. Anyways, it was an ok write. Oh, what prompt did you use? Also, if you read my rules, then you're missing something in the author's notes. Keep writing!


  • Swords of Ireland
    June 3

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    Thanks for entering!

    Aye, this was really good, but not exactly the type I was looking for, maybe some more work, great start though!


    • Katty
      June 16
      Edit | Reply
      Yeah, see, I'm more of a poet than an author, so yeah..... sorry if it sucked.

      *KAT*


  • callthexylophone
    May 17

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    Oh come on, you started out so well! I really didn't mind the story until Rebecca's mom came home, then it was unrealistic. First, "your little pussy cat" and "but now I must get your little kitty cat, now!" sound horrible. I'm sorry chickadee, they just do! Try "You're not getting any supper tonight, and you'd better behave or taht damn cat gets it." Let's see.... her mom killing the cat seems a little over the top, but okay, I'll buy it....The cat muder scene is the worst, paragraph three. First- you MUST start a new paragraph everytime somebody else speaks. Secondly- I doubt Rebecca could have "heard" a steak knife. Maybe say she heard clanging metal or something. When you say that her mother brought in the cat and the cat was "dead as a doornail," it really sounds childish, like the cat's death is comical.
    The worst is that the story ends with everthign getting tossed away and the mom "tortures poor people with steak knives." I mean, that ending works fine for camp-fire ghost stories, but not for written material.
    Keep writing, keep up the good work, and good luck in my contest


  • Quixotic Greeters member
    May 16

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    Good...

    This was entertaining though a bit weird. You have many structure flaws and grammar issues, but on the whole, it was a great, tragic tale. I thought Rebecca would take revenge in the end. Nice twist! Bravo! ~D


  • moonwriter
    April 25

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    This was good, but not incredible. I've gotten some amazing entries, but I'm sorry, this wasn't one of them. Your a good writer who can obviously tell a good story. I didn't like the clumped spacing, but that's not what took away from the story.

    You dropped lots of information on us, but not in a really meaningful way. You didn't build up emotions behind the information so it almost seemed as if I were reading out of a textbook or biography. I wasn't saddened, really. There was a lack of buildup in emotions. If you hadn't just killed the character off and ended at the drop of a hat, then maybe it would've been better. I was honestly unimpressed, but I do think that the story could have some potential if it were revised.

    Still, this was a good story and keep writing.


    • Katty
      April 26
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      Wow, I've never gotten a comment like this before, that was harsh. Just kidding, I appreciate your honest opinion, and I'm loads better at poetry than stories, so that's why this wasn't my best work. I'm no good at details and all that junk. I'm sorry I entered this, I will try to work harder at my writing But, I do appreciate when people are honest and ypu certainly were. Thanks,

      *KAT*

  • Xabstruse
    April 17
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    O.O Wow, poor cat. I was shocked at the end when Rebecca died all of the sudden, it was unnexpected to me, lol.
    Good write! This was very sad, especially the fact that the helpless cat was killed (even though I dont like cats that much). gr , im getting mad at myself, but I still didn't cry. Great, and very interesting write!

    Thanks for entering.


  • not done baking
    April 16

    Edit | Reply
    This was good. You did a good job of creating a complete story. There were a few little things that bothered me, I felt like Rebecca was a very young child and while she was in a terrible situation her dialogue and narrative just seemed to over the top with the cussing. I didn't think her cussing was necessary. I think that this could have been fleshed out a bit.

    It was still good, however, it didn't follow the guidelines that I asked for. I asked that the killer be caught, and that didn't happen.


  • Jenni-Wren
    April 14

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    Okay... wow. That was so sad and very moving. I feel so sorry for Rebecca. The descriptions in the piece were spot on and there was just the right amount of detail. Well done!
    And thanks for entering the contest.


  • LostSoulOfRage
    April 1

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    tnx for entering the contest and srry for the late comment.
    okay wow! this was excellent! i totally loved it! it was sooo sad. your discription was amazing! great job and good luck. keep it up!

    -LostSoul

  • Max654sapien gold member
    April 1
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    I've got to say the story works!


  • dustbunni3
    March 15
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    I LOVE your introduction to this.. It lead me right in to keep reading. Your descriptions are perfect, not too much detail and certainly not too little. You should write more to this.. I want to know what happens with the old guy.. ewwwwie...

    Ana


  • tallblondie Greeters member
    March 15

    Edit | Reply
    So far, so good. Perhaps you could space it somewhat as it effects the readability of the piece.
    Keep writing!


  • ShadowQueen12
    March 14
    Edit | Reply
    Good so far

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