"This can't go on," I said softly to him. We'd been standing in the kitchen fighting. I was tired of fighting. 1
I braced myself on the counter and stared out the window; my tulips were peeking their bright purple heads through the glaring snow. Spring had come and brought new life, but inside I was dying.2
He didn't say anything, but I could feel the anger rolling off him and assaulting my back. I could just imagine him, dark black hair cut short on his head, piercing ebony eyes glaring at me, lines deepening around his mouth the longer I stood there.3
"Can't do what?" He barked. 4
Even though I knew it was coming I still jumped.5
I watched a bluebird bounce from branch to branch as I tried to form an answer. Derrick had always made me feel like I didn't know what I was saying or feeling. That my thoughts and reasonings were foolish. He was my father, my jailer, my ruler, instead of my husband and my equal.6
I didn't turn around. I knew that if I turned around I would give in and he knew it. "I can't live like this anymore. I can't walk around this house wondering if my going to be accused of something again-"7
"When have I ever done that?" he interrupted.8
I hung my head and stared at the dirty dishes in the sink that I needed to be doing. My copper hair hung around my face so I didn't see him move to the counter.9
"When have I ever done that?" he repeated.10
"Almost everyday that you walk in that door. You ask me who I've cheated with today?" I flipped on the faucet. I watched as the beads of water splashed the clear plates that were stacked neatly in the middle. I reached in to take them out and put the stopper in so that the water could fill the metal sink.11
Silence hung on the air. It was thick and black. I was finding it hard to breath and my strength was waning. I needed to finish this today.12
"So I've packed. I'm taking the kids and myself to my parents." I waited for the outbursts I knew would be coming.13
Strong fingers clamped around my upper arm, dragging me around to face him. His eyes were dilated and his nostrils flared as his breath pumped out rapidly. "What do you mean you've packed and are leaving?" He asked through gritted teeth. His jaw was clenched so tightly I could see the bone.14
"Derrick, you are hurting me," I whined as I struggled to free myself.15
"You are not leaving me and taking my truck." He spit. "You are not taking my children."16
So we were back to everything was his, his truck, his children, him. I was his also, his wife, his lover, his maid, his nanny, his cook, his. I was just as tired of being his as I was of fighting.17
"I'm not taking your truck, don't worry about. But you are not stopping me from taking the kids." I stood firm. There was no way I was leaving two girls with him. There was no way I was leaving my children behind.18
His phone rang before he could say anything else. While he walked into the other room I returned to the dishes. I wanted to leave the house clean. Petty, but I always felt better with a clean house.19
The same bluebird was back. He was watching me through the window. He wanted the basket filling for his nest from my hanging basket. Each year he and I had gone through this debate. This year he would win.20
I finished the dishes before Derrick was done with his call, so I set to folding the laundry. Every day I did the same things to keep the peace in the house. Breakfast, kids off to school, Derrick off to work, dishes, laundry, and miscellaneous other chores. Today was no different. I had thought if he saw me doing the same things today he would calm down.21
"Brooke, you had better be here when I get. I've got to go now, the boss is waiting." He stomped to the front door, swung on his camo jacket and turned to leave.22
"I won't be here." I said softly, as I laid a terrycloth towel on the floral couch.23
He didn't hear me. "I'll see you later." He closed the door and a few minutes later I heard the company truck take off.24
I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. "That was easier then I thought it was going to be, Cooper." I sat down hard and the cat jumped up into my lap. I stroked it's striped fur while waiting for my hands to stop shaking. "Now we just wait for mom to get here. We'll be safe soon."25
I sat there stroking the cat as the tears slid down my cheeks soaking my white V-necked t-shirt. "We'll be safe soon." I repeated to no one.26
Author notes
Feeling melancholy today
Added more on 3/17/08
Edited 3/21/08
In a list
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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u missed out a word in paragraph 22..i think it was gonna b home!
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Nits:
'graph 6: bounced should be bounce...you already used the past tense verb with "watched"
'graph 12: remove "of" between "strength" and "waning"
'graph 21: probably should spell out miscellaneous.
Very emotional piece of writing. Very well done, as usual. I do really enjoy everything you write. I feel for Brooke in this story. I've known some women in the same situation, and it is quite courageous just to make that decision to leave.
Nice job!
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Thank you so much for finding those for me. I am the typo queen these days.
And thanks for the praise
Brooke
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For such a short piece, you were able to build tension, develop a plot and work in some lively dialogue.
I do hope you took poor Cooper with you? A family member left a kitty when he finally escaped his mate. She didn’t bother to feed her. When we rescued Goldengirl looked like a refugee and camped out next to the food dishes. Two years later and she still howls if they are empty.
This was your creativity showing and not your reality.
Either way it is well written, and should find a home out there in Magazine Land. For such a short piece, you were able to build tension, develop a plot and work in some lively dialogue.
Some things you might look at:
The reference to her copper hair seemed odd. In such an emotional situation, I don’t think the color of her hair would matter to her.
When he referred to her taking the truck first and then his kids, at first I grinned and I growled.
“I can't walk around this house wondering if my going to be accused of something again-" (this sentence is iffy. *I can't leave this house wondering if my going to be accused of something again-" or “I can't walk around this house wondering if I’m going to be accused of something again-
Geri
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Don't worry geri, she takes the cat. Couldn't leave poor Cooper behind, plus it's the eldest childs.
As for that line about walking around the house, see I don't have to leave the house for him to believe that of me, so that is why the line is that way. But for the story I may change that. This may be based on my life but I can change it.
Thanks for reading and I'll see what I can do.
Brooke
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Very powerful piece....
...and all too common it seems as half of all marriages fail nowadays and many can share and sympathize with the sentiments you express...
I am going to add a sour, but honest note here, as it seems most stories have the man, the husband, the father, as the 'bad guy', in any circumstance.
I don't for a moment suggest that a woman stay in a bad marriage or relationship, not at all...but this newly found independent woman and the failure of relationships bothers me on an objective level as it truly hurts the children who are left without a father....so it seems...
sorry for the lil rant....
very good write, sensitive and your readers surely do appreciate...
Amicus....
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John,
I can see what you are saying. I stay for that reason.
As I go on farther with this story, it will show that the man is not all at fault. The woman here had done some questionable things in the past and that is what prompts this husband to always think this way.
Thanks for reading
Brooke
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Wow, what a pull this has, almost causing me to send phone numbers for shelters.
Yes, a few places but minor things:
2 Suggest combining first two sentences with semi colon.
14 "Pack(ed)"
19 "His phone ran" Maybe "rang"
A super write with such emotion. Thanks for the read
Jim
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Thanks for reading.
Brooke
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Grah, I hate it when my comments don't work *angry eyes*
Ok, so here goes (again):
I like this. It is sad, but it's hopeful too. I hope everything works out for this character; the emotion really drew me in. For a minute there I thought he would make her stay O.o Good ole work
It was good that you had the character do the dishes during the conversation; instead of sounding like the usual emotional conflict, it really showed how much she's given up. She's really submissive and, well.... dare I say it...... melancholy. Sorry. ^^"
A great write.
Eph
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You know what is really sad? This character is me
And submissive I am in some things. But I'm a momma loiness, and he don't mess with my children
But thanks for stopping by and reading
Brooke
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Aaa, what? I shall be reading this when its not *(unfinished)* as its a good start. Hate to repeat the word, but melancholy is exactly the word. I like the two charater portrayals. I can certainly already hear Derrick's dulcet tones. I'd like to see deeper into your main character, and am sure I will eventually.
good start.
Ry
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Thanks for reading this. I plan to write a little on this everytime I stop by.
Again thanks for reading and I hope you stop by again
Brooke
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Wow... Melancholy.. That certainly describes the story..
I like your description in the beginning.. It really draws the reader in.. The detail of her surrounds was wonderful
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Thanks for reading.
Brooke
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Wow, you're not kidding that you feel melancholy. Again, it is descriptive work but that puts a lot of stress on your character if she believes that her husband feels that way about her everytime he comes in. I used to be in a marriage where I was constantly tested by my husband and later I found out he was cheating around as well as other things. Sucks but I know how that character felt. I hope you don't get too many of those days. Take care.
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This is what my day is like everyday. It's very tiring.
Glad to hear that there's light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks for reading.
Brooke
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