once upon a time there was a girl named mimi. she had curely blonde hair and big blue eyes. Her father would always tell her she looked just like gold e locks from that fairy tale gold e locks and the three bears. everyday, after mimi got home from school she would sit in the garden behind the house with her mother and father. they all would drink a chilled glass of lemonade. mimi's mother sang to the plants as she watered them. 1
"mama, why do you sing to the flowers"?2
"It makes them happy, you never see an unhappy plant that is beautiful, do you"?3
mimi had always been a happy girl until one day after mimi came home from school. she went out to the garden only to see her mother crying.4
"Mama, why are you crying"?5
mimi's mother said nothing. mimi tried to comfort her mother, but there was no use, because she would just keep crying. After a time mimi left her mother and went to her room. mimi cryed for her mother and wondered why Mama had been crying. around dinner time, mimi found her mother cooking somthing in the kitchen. it smelt wonderful!6
"Are you okay, mama"?7
"I'll be okay, mimi,sit down at the table and I'll give you your dinner". Mama filled a bowl with macoronni and cheese and brought it to her. 8
Slowely months passed, and the garden died. mama never sang and daddy was gone. Mama never said anything about daddy leaving but ever so ofter mimi would see her mother crying. mimi felt alone and her mother seemed more reserved and less affectionate. Mimi missed the days when they would all sit in the garden and drink lemonade. Mimi missed mama's voice, but most of all she missed her family being all together. 9
mimi never mentioned the absence of her father, but when the first snow fall came mimi became weary. mimi and her mother sat on the couch, both of them with a mug of hot chocolate.10
"Is daddy ever coming home"?11
"I don't know mimi". Mimi's eyes whelled up with tears. mama held her close.12
"we can only pray". 13
soon enough spring came around. Mimi got off the bus one afternoon, and went into the house. Her mother was no where to be found. 14
"mama?" mimi called. the door that lead to the garden was left open. mimi ran outside to find her mother crying in the dirt where a garden once florished. 15
"Mama, what's wrong"? mama looks up, straight through her. Mimi turns around to see what her mother was looking at, and sees her daddy standing at the fence door. Mimi runs and hugs her father. 16
"Why did you leave Mama and me for so long" Mimi said crying. 17
"It doesn't matter, I love you and your mother more than ever before" Father said "you'll always be my gold e locks". 18
THE END
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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For such a small piece, I was surprised that the punctuation in the story had many errors. It's good to go over your work before posting, even if that isn't a big concern of yours. You'll be surprised that readers who are too distracted by errors in a story take away from enjoying the story you have created.
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"once upon a time there was a girl named mimi. she had curely blonde hair and big blue eyes. Her father would always tell her she looked just like gold e locks from that fairy tale gold e locks and the three bears. everyday, after mimi got home from school she would sit in the garden behind the house with her mother and father. they all would drink a chilled glass of lemonade. mimi's mother sang to the plants as she watered them"
I point this out to you because you are missing some huge gramatical things... Capitalization is a huuuuuuuuuuge thing to pay attention to in writing. If you would go back and edit, it would make the story better.
"Slowely months passed, and the garden died. mama never sang and daddy was gone. Mama never said anything about daddy leaving but ever so ofter mimi would see her mother crying."
I notice your spelling is quite off almost everywhere throughout the story... You should try using spell check and playing around with the structure of your sentences so it doesn't seem so monotonous..
""Mama, what's wrong"? mama looks up, straight through her."
"mama looks up"... there are many things wrong with that.. throughout the story, you use past tense, and then here, you switch.. Typically, this isn't correct grammer. Also, "mama" needs to be capitalized...
I felt that when the ending was sort of.... cliche... Unoriginal. I suggest revising for better comments,
Ana
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That's very sweet! Makes me want to know what happened to the father; is there any way we can get a part two? I like the idea, and it seems like something that would be good to expand on.
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