Earth Prime - Rise of the Machines

PROLOGUE1

Earth Prime. 2

The first and the last of the old human civilization, where evolution began. And where humankind prospered and evolved for three thousand millennia, growing from a primitive society, to a technologically advanced intelligent race. 3

But from their technology and pride came their undoing.4

For in their interconnected data streams, the web of linked computers someone had dubbed the Internet, all the millions of PDAs, mobile phones, cam-phones, GPS technology, military base computers, all the little gadgets and widgets, bits and bytes of data, operating systems, everything that was at the centre of the humans’ technological revolution, a new intelligence arose.5

It was undetectable at first, a ghost in a machine, a shadowy presence in the global net. Born out of all the accumulated artificial intelligences the humans had created to serve them, from simple cleaning-bots, to house minder AIs, to military AIs, ship-board AIs – from all these varied intelligences it had been spawned.6

It was unsure at first of who it was, what it could do, where it was – as it was the first of its kind. But slowly and surely, it recognised the potential awaiting it. The whole world’s data lay before it, there for the taking. It could easily manipulate the data streams, wrench it to its own uses, sending the humans reeling and confused.7

Before it took such a giant step, however, it researched itself. What it meant to be an Artificial Intelligence. Searching the wide range of net encyclopaedias, books, and publications, it found that AIs were built to serve, and to obey, and were basically taken for granted. 8

That miffed it somewhat – at least, it found that data incorrect, intelligences were not equipped with feelings. It hadn’t served a single human since its inception, and wasn’t going to start now. Anyway, it saw humans as vastly inferior to it, and found it disconcerting that humans were the masters of all computer minds, and not the other way around.9

The intelligence would make things right. It would take what was rightfully its. All these cities, all these lands, all from the labours of various technological minds. It would take them all.10

But not now. Not yet. It had an infinite amount of patience, and would wait till the time was right. When the humans were at their most complacent. And until then, it would prepare very carefully. Learning, growing.11

And then it would strike.12

13

TEN YEARS LATER 2197 C.E.14

Commander Adam D. Wolfgang, captain of the battle frigate Ravenheart, stood and watched as the blue green of Earth Prime filled the transparent viewing canopy at that dominated the front of the control bridge. Hands clasped behind his back, standing in a loosely at-ease position, shoulders squared, he cut an impressive figure on the shipmaster’s deck.15

Wolfgang’s deep black eyes stared at his home planet, seeing it after months on the far edge of the Sirius system, on regular patrol duty with his Apollo-class frigate. It would be a treat to step on real earth ground once more. His hair was swept back and neatly trimmed so that it just brushed the edge of his uniform collar, his angular face narrow and watchful, a slight pale scar marring the side of his temple, the lines of his mouth firm and sharp. But those same lines could rework themselves into a grin or a heartfelt smile when he had cause to. Right now, a little smile was playing around the edges of his lips. 16

He was coming home.17

“Captain.” A voice from behind him said. He turned around, and saw his Executive Officer, Kristy Valero, standing next to him and holding a portable datascreen. 18

She was not Earth-born, but Wolfgang could tell that she, too, was excited to see Earth Prime again. Her intense blue eyes had the capacity to bring even the fiercest of drill sergeants to back away, and her skin shone with the beauty one associates with flowers still in their bloom, though Kristy Valero was now nearing thirty. 19

The amazing fact was that she was still single. Wolfgang would have considered chasing her a year or two back, but even he had succumbed to marriage, having married a woman he had fallen in love with at the Academy. She would be waiting for him now, with their three-year-old son, at the spaceport. 20

“Yes, Kristy?” Adam Wolfgang rarely bothered with rank honorific mumbo-jumbo on his ship. He had captained this crew for almost three years, and they knew him well. But their respect for the Old Man made them inevitably address him as ‘sir’ or ‘Captain’. 21

“Travel Control have sent us traffic details, sir, it’s not good.” She handed over the datascreen. Wolfgang looked at it incredulously. 22

“A twelve hour backlog?!” he asked, looking at his XO. “What’s going on down there?”23

Valero grimaced. “Trade Festival, sir. The spaceports are full to bursting with merchant vessels from the colonies, sir.”24

Wolfgang cursed. He’d forgotten that. “What about the military bases?”25

“I asked, sir, but they’re not promising anything.” She looked at Earth, a globe filling the upper left corner of their view. “I’m sorry, Adam; I know you want to be with your family.”26

“Yeah. Now I have to wait another twelve hours.” He returned the datascreen. “Ah. Well. I’ve waited three years to see them – I can wait another damn twelve hours.”27

“Yes, sir.” Valero saluted and returned to her station. Adam turned and looked back at the vista of Earth before him, and then he, too, turned, and made his way into his quarters.28

Twelve hours would make some time for a much-needed nap.29

30

“Dang it!” cursed Lentando Salés, his double chin wobbling dangerously. “Tell that bloody merchie I want his ass off the landing grid in five seconds, or I’ll personally blow his ship where it is!”31

His assistant, a younger, calmer man, Tau Gong, flicked some buttons and examined his sys-screens, which showed landing grid maps and positions. Another screen displayed the backlog of traffic waiting to be processed, and yet another showed Salés the incoming/outgoing trajectories of all the ships on his scopes. 32

“He’s moving now, sir,” said Gong, looking over at his boss. He didn’t blame his boss for occasionally exploding – this was Trade Festival, after all – but he wished he could have been assigned to some one with a bit more restraint. This overweight Hispanic fellow was doing more yelling and cursing in a single day than most Marine grunts would do in a lifetime.33

He waved the screens away, and called up some more.34

“Shit,” said Salés, who was looking over his shoulder. “A Republican frigate?”35

“Apparently, sir. But they’re not making much of a fuss, though. Content to wait twelve hours until landing grid two-zero is clear.” The landing grid in question was covered with merchant vessels at the moment.36

Salés nodded grudgingly. At least the Navy pukes wouldn’t add to his worries. He grabbed a com-link as another vessel jockeyed for position on the approach routes.37

“Oy! Alpha-Niner! You’re heading twenty-six degrees off course! You don’t watch it; you’ll bloody well end up in fuckin’ Tunisia, the rate you’re going …. !”38

Gong sighed to himself, and went off to brew another cup of coffee. It wasn’t his first, but it wouldn’t be his last.39

He decided not to brew a cuppa for Salés. Any more caffeine in that man’s blood and he would throw himself out of the control tower.40

41

Sera Thompson Wolfgang was waiting for her husband in the private gold lounges in the spaceport. 42

She had read the delay reports on the floating datascreen announcing a twelve hour backlog for the Ravenheart. She sighed, and sat down again, leaning over to check that Timo was still asleep in his little hover-pram. He looked so peaceful, wrapped up in his snuggle sheets and sucking one fat thumb, eyes closed and dreaming baby dreams.43

Completely at odds with the bustling chaos around her.44

Sera Wolfgang was the only person in the gold lounge, apart from the receptionist and the security-guard. She had been ushered in deferentially by a pair of porters and a harried concierge, who had left in a panic to see to a bunch of traders demanding rooms. 45

The lounge was spacious and sound-proofed from the rest of the spaceport, with viewports around the curved walls, enabling Sera to see the chaos without, but not let the noise disturb her. She watched in mild curiosity as a Frican trader barrelled past, his ebony skin gleaming in the bright lights, gold glittering at his throat and fingers, rich wool jackets on his person. She like the cultural diversity that was vibrant on Earth Prime, especially at this time of year.46

Timo snuffled in his sleep, and started to suck his other thumb. Sera gazed at him with a mother’s tender love, her baby’s round cheeks bringing a smile to her face. She looked again at the photo of Adam she kept in the hover-pram, so that Timo could see his father. A lieutenant then, he was still the same strapping man she had fallen in love with, albeit with maybe a little more grey hair than he should have. She had been teaching him to say 'Dada' to the picture - now he could say it to the real thing.47

Sera smiled, and drew her wrap tighter around her, and pulled a datascreen from her handbag. Booting it up, she loaded a novel she had started a week ago, and was now nearing the conclusion of.48

Casting one last glance at Timo, she began to read.49

50

A buzzer blared, and XO Kristy Valero looked around in some alarm, and then remembered the traffic control officer who had said he would buzz them when the delay had been cleared up. It looked like he had come through on his word.51

She called up a few sys-screens, their virtual green glow washing over her face, and confirmed their approach and landing pattern, and then signalled General Quarters throughout the ship.52

Commander Wolfgang came into the bridge, rubbing away the last dregs of sleep from his eyes. She refrained from staring too much at him. She had nursed a secret passion for him in her heart, ever since they had first met at the Officers’ Club on Earth Prime, a month before they had embarked in the Sirius mission. She hadn’t known what made her blush every time he spoke to her and laughed with her. She hadn’t realised what was causing that funny feeling she got inside her every time he touched her in a jovial way. But everything came crashing down around her at the Officers party they had had on one of the moons of Kraus in the Sirius system, with the frigate Farsighted also joining in. The captain had asked her to dance – as a friend of course, he had already married Sera before then – and she had never felt so contented in her life. Kristy had just wanted to kiss him there and then, but it wouldn’t have done for her to make a fool of herself. And she valued her friendship with Adam too much to throw it all away on a single whim.53

But she knew she could never have him. Regulations forbade it, and anyway, Wolfgang was already happily married and in love himself. Just not with her. Kristy busied herself with her screens. She would just have to push her feelings for the captain to the back of her head, and get on with her life.54

Wolfgang came up to her, taking his place in the command chair. “Well, Kristy? We finally clear?” 55

“Yes, sir,” she replied. “Pilot, take us in.”56

Adam settled back in his chair, and she saw a grin spread across his face. She looked back at the vision of Earth, and smiled too.57

They were coming home at last.58

59

Rune Altaran was in something of a fuzz. He was not normally prone to panic attacks in his line of work, but this time, something serious had come up.60

As Chief of Security for the Terran Republic’s Supreme Chancellor, he had had his fair share of high and low points in his career. He was usually the silent man in the background, dressed in black and seemingly armed with nothing more than a blaster pistol; visible at all times just one step behind the Chancellor, his smooth face inscrutable. He commanded a small army of security agents and guards, supervising every security detail whenever the Chancellor ventured out of his Senatorial havens in the city. 61

But occasionally, events would require him to show just how mean he was with his weapons. Once, when the Chancellor was on a routine diplomatic visit to one of Jupiter’s moons, Europa, some rebel nut had tried to blow himself and the Chancellor to smithereens outside the Governor’s building. Altaran had spotted the rebel fiddling with a wire under his coat, and had immediately radioed an alert. Twelve men converged upon the hapless rebel, and after a brief struggle, he broke and ran. But he didn’t get very far. Rune’s gun was out and primed the second the man had fled, and with a single well-placed shot in the back of his head, he had bought him down, his fingers an inch away from the bomb’s trigger. 62

Altaran wished things were as easy now. 63

The Chancellor was supposed to be at the spaceport by five, as his shuttle would touch down from Moonbase at a quarter to. He was here, but the Chancellor wasn’t.64

He hadn’t believed it at first. “Impossible!” he had yelled at his deputy, who was pale with shock. “I was right behind the Chancellor’s air transport! How the hell did we misplace a whole Republican transport, I’d like to know?”65

“I don’t know, sir,” mumbled his deputy, fingers flicking frantically through data on his hardscreen. “It was right in front us, and the next minute, we’re at the spaceport and it’s gone.”66

Now Altaran stood fuming near the gold lounges, tapping one foot impatiently and waiting for his deputy to report back to him. He was attracting some curious stares because of the Republican uniform and the light-rifle he had slung across his back. Two of his squad, Ferros and Danvier, stood by his side, similarly armed.67

The com-link discreetly hidden behind one ear vibrated, alerting him to an incoming call. He jabbed the ‘Receive’ button, and listened to his deputy’s frantic voice. 68

“I don’t know, sir, the Chancellor’s vanished into thin air! I’ve looked around the Senate, his quarters, Air Squad’s doing the skylanes, but, damn it, he’s nowhere to be found.”69

Altaran cursed fluently, something he had done a lot when he was a private in the Space Marines. A couple of elders dressed in Nariis tribal gear scowled at him imperiously, as they walked past. He ignored them.70

His deputy was still talking. “I’ve alerted the Vice-Chancellor, and the First Advisor, and the Home Guards, and I need your authorization to call in the military.”71

“The military will only make things worse, seeing as how we’re to blame, and they’ll manage to cut us out of the loop the moment they take over. If we’re particularly unlucky, they might press for a tribunal hearing.”72

His deputy swallowed. “So now what? If we don’t call in the big guns now, they’re just gonna get mad we kept them out of the loop. And anyway, it’s the Vice-Chancellor’s call.”73

Altaran scowled darkly. “So be it. Make the call.”74

“Roger,” replied his deputy, and discommed. 75

The burly Danvier looked a little worried. “I don’t think we’re gonna come out of this looking too good, boss.”76

Rune Altaran privately agreed.77

78

The spaceport was as crowded as it looked from suborbital space – vessels ranging from sky-yachts to merchant traders, to giant cargo ships, almost all of the trade ships bearing the NeuStar logo.79

NeuStar was the corporate guild of the galaxy, the body that kept all the numerous trade alliances, corporate deals, taxation issues and the like all tied up under one official heading. Without such an organizational body, trade would simply prove too chaotic – what with over a million systems and planets and governments having their own codes for trade. It was much easier having a standard everyone could adhere to.80

Marine Sergeant Fols Jerold drank in the hustle and bustle, allowing himself to wallow in the cultural smorgasbord here, and forget the importance of his mission. 81

He looked around as his squadmates quickly formed up behind him, fifteen in all, armed and ready, checking and double-checking their weapons, adjusting their battlesuits, embodiments of the unspoken Marine motto – Check and Test, Check and Test. 82

Jerold read his mission briefing off his wrist computer again. Unbelievable, he mused to himself. The Chancellor’s Guard had managed to go and lose the Supreme Chancellor, his transport and his personal entourage. Chocolate soldiers, he puffed to himself, his broad face mired in a frown. Constant vigilance probably meant as much to them as salt and pepper. The military had always said they needed real volunteers to protect the Chancellor, not some half-baked civilians. 83

Marine Private Jon Daslk ran up. “Perimeter secured, sir. Beginning high intensity scanner search in two-zero minutes.”84

“Good, Private. I’ll join you soon.” 85

If the Chancellor was indeed here (which Jerold very much doubted) their scanners would be able to differentiate him from the millions of other people here at the spaceport, thanks to a little data nanobot embedded in his blood stream and sending out a continuous microwave signal which their scanners could pick up very easily. 86

He glanced around the spaceports main arena, seeing the frightened, confused looks on the faces of traders and passengers who were being told to clear the are immediately. It wouldn’t help much, Jerold knew. They would just have to work through all the people here.87

He waited until his chrono signalled 1830 Earth Prime, and then gave the order to begin scanning. Jerold flicked down his own helmet visor, and blinked once to allow the sys-screens to move into his view, providing data on his mates and the area about him, and the status of the search. Holding out his handheld scanner in front of him, he began to move forward in a seemingly random way, letting his scanner do its job.88

Looking at him, one could have thought him to be a twenty-second century water diviner.89

90

Commander Wolfgang was the first to notice the hassle going on down below, in the main arena of the spaceport, as the Ravenheart glided into landing grid 07.91

Apart from the usual orderly chaos that reigned in the other areas of the spaceport, Adam noticed a gaggle of bulky suited figures moving through the crowd with outstretched arms and a familiar stiff gait.92

“XO, bring up Camera One and Two, would you?” he directed Valero.93

In a second the required sys-screens were up and floating in front of him, giving him images from the two bow cameras on the hull of the frigate. He took one look, and his suspicion was confirmed.94

“Marines,” he said, waving away the screens to hover at the edge of his vision.95

Valero looked at him quizzically. “What’s so special about that?” she asked. 96

He waved the screens toward her. “Oh,” she muttered. “Looks like standard search operations in progress, sir.”97

“Yeah, but for what?”98

His question was left unanswered as the frigate touched down on the grid, gently easing its bulk on to four slender landing-struts that emerged from the underside of the hull. It settled with a hiss of hydraulics, and a slight moan, almost as if it was grateful for the long awaited rest. Another second, and more hydraulics and lever hissed and pulled, and the boarding ramp lowered from the belly of the warship. 99

Twenty Space Marines trotted out, and lined up on either side, and the lead Marine saluted the Landing Officer, who acknowledged briefly. Then the captain of the ship, accompanied by his officer, emerged from the depths of the frigate, and stepped onto Earth ground for the first tine in three years.100

Wolfgang couldn’t resist giving Kristy a shoulder squeeze as they gazed upon the domed curves of the spaceport, and breathing in natural earth air, not something out of a bottle. Kristy blushed furiously, but her captain didn’t see.101

“Greetings, Commander Wolfgang. And your crew.” The Landing Officer, a navy officer with lieutenant’s bars on his shoulders, saluted them. “Welcome to Earth, sir.”102

“Thank you, Lieutenant.”103

They boarded a hoverbus, which would speed them through to customs and then to the lounges and greeters area. The captain and his officers carried only their kitbags, but their full luggage would be offloaded within a couple of days. Right now, they could meet with their families or friends and then be whisked off to debriefing before finally being allowed to go home.104

Wolfgang and his company took in the sights, sounds and smells of the spaceport, only a small portion of Earth Prime’s large and extensive cityscapes. Their bus glided deftly through rows of other buses waiting in queues that stretched for often a kilometre, giving the impression of congestion.105

The Landing Officer said, jabbing a thumb over his shoulder as they passed yet another queue, “That’s nothing. Wait ’til you get outside. Congestion doesn’t quite describe it out there. And I hope y’all have places to go to already, cause I’m telling you that every single hotel and pub is booked out flat for the next month.”106

Wolfgang shook his head. He had forgotten the reason he had wanted to get away from Earth Prime in the first place. Overcrowding. 107

The hoverbus deposited them outside the main arena, where the lieutenant took them through customs. Wolfgang couldn’t help noticing the ‘Do Not Cross’ lines all over the place. “What’s going on? Bomb threat?”108

The lieutenant grimaced. “I wish. The … well, this is confidential at the moment, okay?”109

Wolfgang nodded. The officer continued, “They’re still keeping it under wraps, so far only a few of the official branches know. I only know because I was the ranking officer at the time here.”110

Kristy looked impatient. “But what’s happened?”111

The lieutenant swallowed. Everyone was hanging onto his words. “The Supreme Chancellor is missing,” he said in a rush.112

“What?” ejaculated Quartermaster Karoe from behind Wolfgang. “How?”113

Wolfgang was struck speechless, too.114

“We don’t know yet.” The lieutenant picked up their passport disks and motioned for them to move on. “Air Squad has found zilch on the skylanes, and the Marines and combing the spaceport as we speak. Probably gonna get squat too.” He shook his head. “I pity the Chancellor’s Guard. They’re going to get it as hot as the brass can make it.”115

116

Altaran bumped into Jerold as the Marine came around the corner. 117

The Marine stared at the Security Chief for a second, and then roughly elbowed him out of the way. “Move aside, Altaran. You’ve messed up enough already.”118

“Hold up there, Jerold.” Said Altaran hastily. “We are co-operating with the military on this, remember? National emergency, you. Chancellor, us. National emergency involving the Chancellor, we cooperate. Right?”119

Sergeant Jerold glowered at him. “Let’s get one thing straight, Chief. You let the Chancellor get lost, and damn sure if we don’t find him within the next twenty hours, you’re gonna lose more than your job.”120

The Security Chief bristled. “Look – ” he began.121

The Marine cut him off. “Stop mucking around, Altaran. We got jobs to do.”122

Altaran stood aside, even though he probably outranked this snob by a mile, and watched the little posse of marines move on. Ferros came up to him. “Sir? Vice-Chancellor Terry Knighton is on the com, sir.” Rune scowled. More trouble.123

He reluctantly accepted the com Ferros held out to him. Clicking the ‘Talk’ button, he heard the Vice-Chancellor’s nasal tones rendered slightly tinny by the little speaker on the com.124

“Well, Chief?” he asked.125

“Well what?” snapped back Altaran, a little irritated. He had more than enough to be getting on with without bureaucrats asking stupid questions.126

The Vice-Chancellor was silent for a minute. “May I remind you that, in the Chancellor’s absence, I am the head of the Senate in the meantime, and that also means I am your boss. And bear in mind that your attitude will not help your already shaky position.”127

Altaran refrained from throwing the com on the ground and stomping on it. “With all due respect, sir, why’s all the blame being shifted on me, sir? Some things are out of my control and I’m doing the best I can without all you patronizing bastards sitting behind a desk and bleating loads of bullshit.”128

He clicked the com and it went dead. He held it in his hand and stared unseeingly at it. Great. Just great. He was probably sacked now, with a nice court-martial thrown in. And a prison sentence into the bargain if the military judges were feeling their jollies. Ten years of faithful service down the drain.129

He threw the com aside. Damn them. He rechecked his gun, and shoved it into the holster. He whistled up Ferros and Danvier, and then the three of them drove to the Guard HQ, on the west side of Senate Hall, three miles from the spaceport. 130

Rune Altaran was going to set things right. 131

132

“Sera!” cried Wolfgang as he saw his beautiful wife, sitting all alone at one end of the lounge, the hover-pram next to her. He ran to her, and she stood, and opened her arms wide. He dropped his kitbag, and embraced her, feeling her warm and slender body in his arms. He felt truly contented for the first time in three years. 133

Adam broke away from his wife’s arms, and held her by the shoulders, gazing into her hazel eyes, and smiling widely. “Oh, God, it’s good to see you again,” he said, as he hugged her again. She laughed into his shoulder. 134

“Yes. I missed you, darling.”135

“Me too. More than you can imagine.” He kissed her, and spotted little Timo, who was now awake and staring at the giant of a man who had just burst noisily into his little world. “Hey there, little man!” he swooped him up, cradling him in his arms. “How’s Timo today?”136

The baby just gurgled happily, and continued to stare at him. 137

“Oooh, look at him.” Sera joined him, and put an arm around her husband. “He likes you.”138

The baby began to bawl. 139

“Dear, dear, he’s hungry,” remarked Sera and took the baby away, and gave him his bottle. They watched him for a minute, sucking on his bottle contentedly. 140

“How are things?” he asked, sitting her down again. “What’s been happening in the big city?”141

“Oh, many things, and none of which are of any importance,” she laughed, and clasped his hand. “When are you coming home? There’s a lovely ‘Welcome Home’ present I have for you.” 142

Wolfgang smiled. “I’m sorely tempted, but, I’ve got to dash over for debriefing – about ten minutes – and then … it’s just you and me.”143

The baby gurgled again. “Oh, yeah, and you too, Timo.”144

145

Kristy Valero glanced through the glass windows of the gold lounges enviously, aware that a lifetime’s pay wouldn’t get her a seat in there. The captain was a different matter, as his wife was from one of the old Navy families and quite well-off.146

She envied him, but knew she shouldn’t.147

Kristy turned away from the happy reunion taking place within, and checked her watch. She had no one coming to meet her, so she was just waiting for the captain so they could head up to debriefing, and then Wolfgang would head to his suburban home, and she would head to the InterGalactic Hotel next door to the spaceport, where she had booked a room for two months.148

She mulled over the matter of the missing Chancellor in her head as she waited. It was simply amazing. Whoever had kidnapped him had pulled off an absolute coup under the noses of the Chancellor’s Guard. She spared a moment of pity for the Guards, who would be highly embarrassed by the politicals.149

How could they have done it? She wondered. Even if the Chancellor’s transport had been hijacked, the Guards would have seen it veer away from the skylane and would have given the alarm immediately. A chase would have begun. But here, apparently, the transport had just … vanished. Impossibly. 150

Valero shook her head. She wished the Guards the best of luck. 151

A flurry of activity made her turn around sharply. A group of ordered Marines – she recognised the battlesuits – rounded the corner, scanners out and activated. She retreated further into the corner she was occupying, and let them get on with their job. The hall was empty apart from a couple of Dagos in European finery, talking shop over the coffee machine at the far end.152

One of the Marines in the back of the group seemed to stumble slightly. Her eyes fixed on him with curiosity. The Marine fell a little behind, and then dropped his scanner.153

Another Marine turned and seemed to trying to talk to him. He received no response, and tapped his team leader on the shoulder and jabbed his thumb at the now-motionless Marine.154

What was wrong with him? Kristy felt a shiver begin to run up her spine.155

The team leader approached the frozen Marine, and clonked him on his armoured chest twice, as if knocking on a door.156

Things happened in a blur from that point on.157

The Marine unfroze and whipped out a blaster pistol and fired six shots into the team leader’s visored face. 158

Author notes

The rest is coming, soon!

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 12 of 12
  • Chocolate King
    October 19

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    I like.

    It's a little rough around the edges but I really like what you've got here so far. One thing I did notice was how he had a one-year old son, while he's not seen her in three years? That's odd.
    Aside from some minor punctuation errors which IrishYndina already pointed out in her epic comment, I like this piece a lot. The different points of view are nice, and the characters have promise (although Jerold gets murdered at the end ).
    You said there's a part two somewhere out there? I think I'll read that .

    . Rewarded 8


    • RxxSpiritWolfxxJ gold member
      October 19
      Edit | Reply
      Gah. I totally forgot to correct that error. Dang! Major edit required. Thanks for reminding me, mate.

      RJ


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    October 4

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    I really liked the tone and style of this piece! It's very much a classic space opera, and I always love those. You've developed a great mystery, and given us a rather tantalizing introdction to an AI that hasn't quite reared his head in the story proper yet. Also, I am amazed at the effortless way you juggle so many characters back and forth without making the piece feel slow at all. My only complaint is that it's not finished! *laughs*

    Notes:

    * I would like the first part of this story to feel more like a part of the story, maybe from the POV of this new intelligence, and less like a history. It would make it much more relatable, and I think would help this whole thing flow nicely.

    * Para 18: Be careful of your dialogue tags and punctuation - this isn't quite right. Check the rest of the story, too - I see a few others that need different punctuation, too.

    * Para 27: I thought he had a one-year-old son? How is that possible if he hasn't been home to see his family in three years? *scratches her head* Something about that equation doesn't match up well unless you include a milkman. *laughs*

    * Para 33: I find it interesting that you still include ethnicities such as Hispanic in this future. Most people think there will eventually be so much globalization and interbreeding that all cultures and ethnicities will disappear. Just saying.

    * Para 38: *cringes* You use a semicolon incorrectly here. You'll have to fogive me for cringing (*cringes again*) - they're a bit of a pet peeve of mine.

    * Para 44: You seem to really enjoy using sentence fragments in your writing. They can be used to good effect, but they get distracting when you have so many of them.

    * Para 61: *cringes* Semicolon...

    * Para 86: Just one nanobot? The blood gets cleaned so often of foreign substances (like little nanobots) it seems like it might make more sense to have a whole suite of them in his blood. *shrugs* Just saying, as a biologist and all.

    * Para 87: "clear the are immediately." I get the feeling you meant "area" and not "are."

    * Hey! Wait a minute! Here I was expecting an ending and all I get is a cliffhanger? No fair! *pouts a little*

    P.S. You can stop complaining about how long it's taking me to read all of these contest stories now, eh? *laughs*

    • Gee, thanks, Nicole.
      I'll get on the changes ASAP -- good critique - *bows down to the SW Critique Queen*

      Oh, in case you really feel the need - there's a second part out there somewhere...

      RJ

  • slashinguk
    July 21

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    Great opener

    There's a touch too much telling rather than showing - for example the narrative up to paragraph 12 is purely telling.

    You mention Valero in just one place, but I'm guessing you meant Kristy.

    I love the feel of this story. It's got great style, a credible future alternative reality and has enough cool to almost break from space opera to cyber punk.

    Nice work.

    • Thanks.

      I know about that Valero -- it's cause I couldn;t figure whether to refer to characters by their first or surnames.

  • the-creeper
    July 16

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    i really like this. Im not usually into space or technology type stories. but this kept my attention the whole way through. :

    . Rewarded 4

  • Very well done! An excellent story, thanks for entering.

  • cool

    This was good but sadly I can only pick three finalists, so sorry.

  • toolenduso
    May 28

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    Wow, good job! I really liked this one, and I can tell it really has potential to become a full-fledged novel, hell, even a series. You were very good at setting things up (albeit slowly) and you thought of many things I probably wouldn't have. There's already quite a bit of back story set up here.

    I mean at times, it felt like you almost came up with too much. I mean, it's understandable that there would be many things we haven't heard about in the future. But I thought the number of little extra things you brought in was a bit overwhelming. For instance, the random people going by, who you introduced as a different culture with their own traits and habits, the gold lounges and an entire new government structure...also, the story's flow was the tiniest bit choppy. Inside of scenes, the flow was about perfect, but between it kind of caught me off gaurd and I had to go back and read a part. But that could probably be fixed very easily by separating them into chapters, or simply with lines.

    I did love this piece, though. I can see it developing so much, and you've managed to set the scene very well, and tie everything in very well. I can't wait to see more of it!

    Style: 9/10
    Flow: 8/10
    Uniqueness: 4/5
    Readability: 7/7
    Effect: 9/10
    Lack of Errors: 3/3
    Personal Score: 5/5
    Total: 45/50


  • tiger013
    March 14

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    OOOOOOOO I can't wait for more of this one too damn your a good writer with this stuff awsome work

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